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  1. Quitting Your Job To Breastfeed Your Boyfriend Is Totally Not Weird

    June 19, 2016 by C.

    Put the boobie down, man!

    Put the boobie down, man!

     

     

     

    Last week, I read about Jennifer Mulford, a woman from Georgia, who quit her job so she could stay home and breastfeed her boyfriend. Since Jennifer has not given birth recently, they are basically doing dry feedings every two hours in hopes that her milk will come in eventually.

    People reacted as expected. “What the f*%& is wrong with these people” was the general consensus. Rumors swirled that her body-builder boyfriend also liked to act like a baby while he participated in this activity. He quickly came forward to deny those allegations and to say that breast milk is excellent to use for building muscle.

    Jennifer shared during a radio interview that these feedings led to sex, “6 out of every 7 times”. Obviously, this is why I never get any action. I think I’ll head to Target tomorrow, pick up a nursing bra along with a random man from the parking lot.

    No, really I think this is pretty crazy. I needed a second opinion before heading out to Target. It just so happened I had an appointment with my shrink this week.

    Me: “Have you heard about the couple who are into breastfeeding? She’s quit her job just to let him do his thing every two hours. That’s crazy, right???

    Shrink: “Are you asking me in terms of is it crazy she has quit her job to do this or do I think this is some highly unusual sexual fetish?”

    Me: “Well, both.”

    Shrink: “There are far worse sexual fetishes out there. Actually, I would say this one is pretty mild in comparison. Her quitting her job, while not rational, does not make her crazy.”

    Me: “How can you not say this woman is a total whack job????”

    Shrink: “Chanin, we have talked about the use of that term in this office. We prefer to call them patients.”

    Me: “Ok, whatever. How about you tell me a fetish that you have seen and treated that is worse than this one?”

    Shrink: “I really shouldn’t divulge that kind of information.”

    Me: “Oh, stop being so professional. Spill it. You don’t have to mention any names…just the crazy crap they’re into.”

    Shrink: “No names. Ok, so I have treated someone with objectophilia.”

    Me: “Ha! That sounds pretty tame to me.”

    Shrink: “Do you know what it is?”

    Me: “Um, someone who objects to EVERYTHING all the time.”

    Shrink: “Not even close. This particular individual became aroused by and engaged in sexual activities with paper. Now, that is a more unusual fetish.”

    Me: “I’m feeling a little ill. Is it ok if I lie down on your couch?”

    Shrink: *laughing* “Of course. Another time I treated someone who had auto-haemofetishism.”

    Me: “What in the hell is that?”

    Shrink: “Being sexually aroused by blood. Your own.”

    Me: “Ok, look. I think we should cut this session short. Can you give me some money back or something for freaking me the hell out today?”

    Shrink: “Sorry, per our patient agreement, there are no refunds. Plus, I need the money to pay my therapist to help me deal with patients like you.”

    Me: “You’re so funny. If this career doesn’t work out for you, I suggest stand-up comedian. Thanks for making me ill. See you next week!”

     

    After thinking about heading to Target, I realized that just the thought of a man latching onto my bossom every two hours made me cringe. Obviously, this was not the way for me. But I might head to Office Depot and pick up a case of printer paper.

     

     

     

     


  2. Coming Soon…

    May 30, 2016 by C.

    Coming to Amazon.com this fall!

    Coming to Amazon.com this fall!

     

    I never thought this would be the first book I would publish. It all started with the purchase of a vintage Underwood at a garage sale and will soon turn into a book available for purchase. The pages are scans of vintage papers I have collected and then typed quotes on. Volume 1 will be available this fall. I am so excited!!!


  3. An Interview With My Mom

    May 8, 2016 by C.

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

     

    Wow, long time no blog. I know, I know. But I have been BUSY! I am currently working on a book of my Typewriter Wisdoms and hope to have it released this fall. The Facebook fan page has taken off and takes up an enormous amount of time…but so worth it!

    I usually try to have my Mom write a blog post for Mother’s Day but the peeps from Facebook are so interested in her I thought it would be fun to have them send in some questions for her to answer and they did! Hope you all enjoy!

    1. From Pam Geeting Smith-What did you crave while pregnant with Chanin? How long were you in labor, was it a difficult birth? Was Chanin a difficult child or an angel?

    I craved fresh fruit and fruit juices when I was pregnant with Chanin. I was in labor (1st pain to here she is) for 11 hours. My little 8 lb. 11 oz. bundle of joy came breech (this I will never let her forget).
    She was the very best baby, a really good child growing up. Now her sister was totally the opposite.

    Hahahahahahahaha too bad for the little sister! (Editor’s note).

    2. From Shelley James— What is your proudest moment with Chanin?

    I don’t know that there is only one really proud moment, but her graduation from college would be right up there. Chanin worked full-time in my Dad’s restaurant starting from the age of 12, until we sold it. She was working 60 hours a week through college. Not many people could do that and get their degree, but she did it.

    3. From Maiya the Maniac—When you say your first curse word? When did Chanin?

    I didn’t swear until my 1st year in college. Chanin, on the other hand, was around 2-years-old. That’s all I really want to say about that.

    4. From Patricia Colville—What was the most embarrassing moment your daughter got you into?

    The day before my mother was coming for a visit, Chanin’s dad and I got into a very heated argument during dinner. Things went very fast. I believe I threw the pan of biscuits at him and he grabbed me and was restraining my hands. Unfortunately, Chanin saw this. Things got under control and quieted down. Divorce was not even mentioned during the argument. Her Dad and I both were ashamed of ourselves and we both tried to reassure her that this would never happen again. She seemed fine the next morning and her Dad and I were fine. I drove to Nashville to pick up my Mom around 10 am. Around 1 pm that afternoon, I received a call from the school principal, a personal friend of Charlie and I. He said Chanin had started crying at rest time after lunch telling her teacher that her Mom and Dad had a fight and that her Grandma was coming to take her, her sister and her Mom to Oklahoma because we were getting divorced. The teacher was upset, the principal was upset, Chanin was upset, I was upset and had to tell my Mom the whole thing. I had to go to the principal’s office!!! I was truly embarrassed as I should have been.

    5. From Deborah “The Artist” Lyons—-What is the first thing you would do during the zombie apocalypse?

    *laughs*

    Well, I have never really thought about it much. I guess I would just have to bend over and kiss my ass goodbye.

    Thanks everyone for sending in the questions!

    My Mom is a super awesome lady and has worked her butt off to take care of my sister and I. She spoils the hell out of her grandkids. She has never once asked for anything in return. And for that, I thank her because I am poor.

    Happy Mother’s Day, to the best Mom on the planet! I love you!

     


  4. Acupuncture Anecdote

    August 20, 2015 by C.

    Razor scars

    Razor scars

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    If I think I can improve upon my life even just a bit, I am open and willing to try anything. That is what led me to acupuncture.

    Hearing it could help with things as simple as headaches and as complicated as depression and weight loss, I knew I had to give it a shot. After doing my research, I found a lady in town who has practiced for over twenty years and called to set up the appointment.

     

    “Look, I am fat, I have a really bad knee and plantar fasciitis. Can you fix me up?”

    “Ahhhh oh no. Only treat two tings at one time”.

    “Ok, well how much will it cost?”

    “Seventy dollar a treatment.”

    “Holy shit that’s expensive!”

    “You health important.”

    “Yeah, yeah I will be there.”

    Her office is a house on a busy street. I kept my head down as I walked the long sidewalk up to the front door. I could just feel the eyes from the passengers in the passing cars staring judgingly at me and thinking to themselves, “What an idiot! Everyone knows acupuncture doesn’t work and holy shit is it expensive!” I nervously pushed open the front door and went inside.

    It was a normal house on the inside with cheap laminate flooring and the same beige colored walls most houses seem to have these days. The only difference being the living room is now a waiting room with the typical ugly navy blue chairs and tables with stacks of outdated magazines to peruse while you wait. I barely got in the chair when an older Asian woman came around the corner pushing a clipboard full of paperwork for me to fill out and just nodded at me like, “Do it now!” She backed out of the room as fast as she came in. One of the pages was the ultimate list of what could be wrong with you. I checked off every single box I could think I have had no matter how long ago. Male pattern baldness? Check. Pretty sure my Mom told me I had that when I was two.

    She came back in to get me and discuss some of the items I checked on my list. I kept waiting for her to ask me about my baldness but it never came up. Instead she asked to see my tongue. I stuck out my tongue and she just shook her head. Of all things for me to be insecure about, I am now afraid for anyone to see my tongue because obviously it looks like something a sick and dying animal would have hanging out of their mouth. I got home that night and stared at my tongue for hours. It looked pretty normal to me, but what do I know? I am certainly not an Asian tongue expert.

    She escorted me to one of the rooms and told me to remove my shoes and socks and she would be back. I have hated needles since I was a kid. I was really dreading this and very nervous about having a ton of needles sticking out all over my body. She re-entered the room and announced she would be treating me for weight loss and my bad knee. She took a cotton swab with alcohol and rubbed down various parts of my body. Before I could scream “Kelly Clarkson”, I had a needle sticking out of my forehead.

    I had assumed the thrusts of the needles going in would be the worst part of all of this but I was mistaken. The worst part was when she grabbed each needle and wiggled it around inside of me and said, “You feel dis?”
    “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! YES, I FEEL DIS!”

    After every single needle had been maneuvered to fish for various organs, she said, “Relax, I be back”.

    Relax?????????????????????????????????????

    I took a deep breath and tried. I actually dozed off for a few minutes. When I woke up my first thought was, I have to document this. So I shoved my hand down into the pocket of my shorts to grab my cell phone and, it was then I remembered, I had needles stuck in my hand. I released the phone and slowly brought my hand back out. A few of the needles had blood running out of them. I frantically searched the room for a tissue and found none. I carefully started wiping the blood with the underside of the t-shirt I was wearing. I just had a feeling if the woman walked in and I had to explain what had happened, she might shove a million more needles in my head after diagnosing me with mental illness.

    Just as I got cleaned up, she walked in with tiny stickers and started attaching them to my left ear. I asked what it was for and she explained it would help keep my appetite in control. When I got hungry, all I had to do was squeeze one of these little Band-Aids and, like magic, I wouldn’t want to eat. Well, that actually sounded pretty cool and I couldn’t wait to try it out.

    She quickly removed all the needles and told me it was over. Once I had gathered all my things, I headed to her office to settle up. I could not believe the first step I took on my bad knee. I was walking like a normal person again. It was a miracle. Because of how I felt, I made another appointment for the following week.

    Once in my car, I took a peek at the baby Band-Aids placed on the inside and outside of my ear. What in the world would people think? I know if I saw someone with this mess going on I would assume the person was having hormone issues and had to shave their hairy ears and the razor slipped a few times. I glanced at it again in the mirror. Oh hell. That is EXACTLY what it looks like.

    Sigh. Between my hairy ear scars and my diseased tongue, my self-confidence was at an all-time low. Next week, I would have to ask her if she has a needle to fix that.

     

     


  5. Chipmunk Thieves Wanted By Colorado Authorities

    June 8, 2015 by C.

    You poor little bastard!

    You poor little bastard!

     

     

    The past couple of years I have tried to make a point of going on vacation with friends. So far, just road trip type of vacations where we drive for hours to get to our destination and then just chill. Last November, I rented a beach house in Alabama with my Wisconsin friend (shout-out to my exceptional travel companion, Kim Fuller!). We had such a great time, we got along splendidly and it was pretty cost-effective too.

    I am going to try it again this June with a couple of different friends, Cindy and Tackett. We have rented a cabin beside the Big Thompson River in Colorado and will spend four days there just relaxing. Well, that is my plan anyway. The other two have mentioned hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park, taking a haunted tour of the Stanley hotel and last, but not least…chasing furry animals. Yes, you heard that correctly. They are going to spend their days around the cabin trying to cuddle with the wildlife.

    After several days of trying to explain to them just how dangerous this would be, I decided to give up. Their responses were, “Stop talking!” And “you just don’t like animals”. So if they can cuddle a bunny and happen to get eaten by the bear that sneaks up on them, I am not to be held responsible because I tried to warn them. I just hope this doesn’t go down around the cabin so I have to sit and watch or perhaps be considered dessert.

    But the most humorous conversation between these two has been about chipmunks.

    Cindy: “Isn’t it funny how pot is legal in Colorado but we are just going to chase furry animals?”

    Tackett: “Furry animals are more fun. People who smoke pot just eat a ton and we will actually be burning calories by chasing them around!”

    Me: Massively rolling my eyeballs around in my head.

    Cindy: “I really want to cuddle with a chipmunk. They are so cute!”

    Tackett: “Oh, I know…adorable!”

    Cindy: “I have a brilliant idea! Let’s stop and get some pot snacks, crumble them up and get the chipmunks high! That should make it easier to capture them!”

    Tackett: “YES!!!!!!!!”

    Me: “OMG and while you two are doing that I will crumble up Nacho Cheese Doritos and Twinkies and leave a trail so when they get the munchies they will come right into our cabin and will be trapped! You can cuddle them all night long and take them home as pets!”

    Cindy and Tackett simultaneously: “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!”

    Me: “You two are idiots. Those are tiny little animals and the least amount of pot will probably kill them.”

    Cindy: “You don’t know that. What are you some sort of pot expert???”

    Me: “Well no, but you can’t just assume it will work the same in a chipmunk as it does a human.”

    Tackett: “Well, we are going to try it. You will be so jealous when we have chipmunks to take home as pets. We aren’t going to give you one unless you make the Dorito/Twinkie trail for them. That actually sounds really cool, like something I would want to try.”

    Me: “I don’t want a damn wild animal to take home, thank you very much! And is it even legal to remove wildlife like that??? You two are so going to prison and can be someone’s bitch all because you wanted to cuddle a stupid chipmunk. Hahahahahahaha!”

    Cindy and Tackett simultaneously: “Chipmunks aren’t stupid!!!!!”

    Sigh. We are a little more than a week away from leaving on this trip. Please pray for me and the chipmunks.


  6. Tide Is High

    May 11, 2015 by C.

    Laundry sucks.

    Laundry sucks.

     

    Shopping at Wal-mart is the biggest nightmare in the world for me. I will sometimes go to a smaller grocery store and pay higher prices just to avoid the hell on earth that is Wal-Mart. I have tried going there during off hours in order to avoid the lunatics, but then I just spend all my time trying to maneuver around the giant stacks of boxes they have parked right in front of something I really need. The later you go, the more of those re-stocking carts they have out, so that doesn’t even really pay.

    Needless to say, when I enter a Wal-Mart, it is a race. How fast can I get everything on my list and get out? Sometimes mistakes are made because I go too fast trying to escape. One such mistake was made two months ago, but was just discovered yesterday.

    When picking out laundry detergent, I usually go by price and then smell. I like my laundry to smell like it has been vacationing on the beaches of Aruba, but on a Branson Baldknobbers budget. In other words, I don’t spring for Tide.

    So one night, while racing through Wal-Mart I found a really great deal on some Downey detergent and bought a very large jug. I live alone so I really don’t have too much laundry to do so this jug has lasted me for right around two months. I was in love with this detergent. My clothes have never smelled better and they were so soft. I had decided this would be the detergent I would use for life.

    In the past few weeks, my mother has decided that due to my pneumonia, I have no business doing my own laundry. It doesn’t matter how much I protest, she throws a fit and says she is doing it and really, when she is like that it is just easier to let her do what she wants (plus I HATE doing laundry). Some nights I come home from work and not only is my laundry done but my dinner is waiting for me. Now, I totally understand why men are so into having a wife. I just flop in my recliner, feed my face, belch and watch HGTV (I am totally addicted to that Fixer Upper show).

    The way the laundry service works is she comes over and washes my clothes in my washer with my detergent and then hauls them next door to her house to dry them because she says, “Your dryer sucks!”. Whatever.

    So it was just this week that my Mom realized another one of my speed shopping mistakes.

    “Chanin, you told me which bottle to use on your washer to wash your clothes and that is what I have been using.”

    “Good deal, it smells sooooooooooooo good and my clothes are soooooooooooooo soft! Thanks!”

    “Well, today I discovered why your clothes smell so good and are so soft.”

    “What are you talking about?”

    “You and I have been “washing” your clothes in Downey fabric softener. I think it might be time for you to slow down and actually start reading the labels on things when shopping.”

    “Wait, are you sure????????????????”

    I got up and quickly ran for the laundry room.

    Shit.

    I have been walking around for two months in dirty clothes except for the very few clothes I take to my dry cleaners. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am a disgusting idiot!

    Moral of this story…It is worth paying the extra money at expensive grocery stores in order to avoid shopping at Wal-Mart so that you don’t walk around for months in dirty underwear. 


  7. Meet Leandra Tuggle

    March 16, 2015 by C.

    Children playing

    Children playing

     

    Last week at my Writers Guild meeting, one young lady shared some of her poetry with us and I was just blown away by her talent. She had been coming to the meetings for several months and had never shared anything before. Her poem about her future children gave me goosebumps. I have never been a big fan of poetry but I like this work a bunch.

     

    Leandra agreed to let me share some of her work here on my page and what an honor that is for me. So please enjoy some real writing for once on this blog…Ladies and Gentlemen, a few works by Leandra Tuggle.

     

    “My Children”

    I wait for them.  My children
    for whom I dream and have dreamt.
    I soothe their sorrows with batches of
    imagined kisses and uneaten cookies.
    I talk to them – about their day, their teachers and friends;
    unanswered questions whispered into a metal whisk.
    I imagine chaotic mornings searching for lost
    socks and mittens and scurrying out the door in a flash.
    When I close my eyes as I close my door,
    I can almost hear them calling for me.

    And their names – oh their names – I have spent years
    searching for the perfect name.  I fall in love with
    characters and crayons and strangers and streets whose
    names resonate life and color. I draw them out on pieces of paper
    in hopes to find the perfect shade for
    the shades of myself.

    Eleanor ask me where I found her name and I tell
    her I never found it, it found me. Like the hidden book in
    a neglected library whose dusty jacket stands out amongst the rest;
    a name possessed by tradition and honor.

    Little Liam tells me that his name is too girly, but I tell
    him that his name reminded me of green meadows and deep
    forests – where only an adventurer could live.

    And my precious Evangeline, or Evie as I whisper to her as I carry
    her to bed; her dark hair and light eyes needed a name as
    beautiful – my heavenly angel, my shooting star.

    I remember all the other contenders: Avery and Holden and
    Lydia and Lincoln.  They’re still in the back of my mind playing with
    blocks or crudely coloring in the shapes of bears and dinosaurs.

    As I fall asleep, I hold my breath so I can hear their reassuring
    snores and imagine what they are dreaming: juice boxes and
    squeaky swings and faraway castles and talking dragons.
    And in the morning, I imagine waking to their peering eyes rather
    than those of the  inconsiderate sun, who fails to give me even just a
    few more minutes to play and talk and laugh and hold them
    in my dreams.

     

    “Bouquets”

     

    I lay here;

    the cottage cheese bed folding in around me

    like the shameful palms pursed around a pleading prayer.

    I stare at the bedside table.

    It rests like a forgotten child used only for the neglected flowers that

    I claim that you gave me.

     

    The woman with the flower cart had a lazy eye

    and she sang the saddest song.

    Of the hills of Czechoslovakia (or

    another country I only pretend to know exists)

    and as she sang this song

    Your face was everywhere.

    In the driver of the parked taxicab.

    In the reflection of a window.

    In the murky puddle beneath my feet.

    And I felt sorry for myself

    But sorrier for the

    lazy-eyed lady

    and all her

    lazy-eyed children, so I bought the

    flowers.

     

    Now when I stare at them, your

    eyes look up from every petal,

    and I feel sick.

    So I rest my cheek upon the cool nakedness of the pillow

    while a bouquet of tears collect beneath my chin.

     

    “Moonlight”

    There was me and you and the moonlight.  We existed

    in threes.  Our wholes divided and melded into one.

    Your hands were my hands.  My heart yours too.  Even

    the moon took the same shape as your eyes, they staring

    at me staring at you.

     

    I wish we could’ve stayed there forever.  The world stopping

    for one goddamn moment so that I could breathe you into me

    I want to create a hole in the world the shape of us and

    never escape.  The world can keep turning, keep bleeding, but

    you and me will rise above it               below it            between it.

     

    That night will always bring me joy.  In my old age, my

    abandoned mind will return to that moment.  The nurses will feed me

    pills and pears and pillows and I’ll go on babbling about how soft the

    blades of your shoulders felt poured into my palms and the tickle of

    your stubble on my knee.

     

    And that fucking moonlight – that blinds me from everything that

    I once thought was important, real.

     

    For more information on Leandra Tuggle please seek her out here:

    https://leandratuggle.wordpress.com/

    https://www.facebook.com/leandratuggle


  8. Words with Enemies

    March 10, 2015 by C.

    Don't play with my mom!

      Don’t play with my mom!

     

     

    My sister and I bought our mom a smart phone for her birthday in September. Since she is older, we got the Samsung Galaxy Note, thinking with the really large screen she would be able to see it much easier than a normal smart phone.

    She didn’t mess with it too much at first. She’s terrified of all things electronic. Slowly, over the past few months she has gotten more and more brave with it.

    I will admit when she asked me to start downloading games for her to play I was a little skeptical. I gave her “Trivia Crack” first. In the beginning,  she loved it. A week later she informed me she was over it.

    “This game just takes too long. I am constantly waiting for people to take their turn. I deleted it today.”

    She deleted it? Hell, I had no idea she would even begin to know how to delete an app.

    Next up, “Slotmania”.

    “Chanin, they want money from me! It’s asking me to buy coins! I am not putting my credit card information into a phone for shit sake!” And that got deleted as well.

    Then I downloaded, “Candy Crush”. I thought this was it. Every person I know was addicted to it for a small amount of time…even myself. This she will like. She plays alone, no waiting involved and I will be off the hook for finding her a game.

    “This game is just dumb. I don’t care about matching colors. This just won’t be a challenge at all.”

    Oh, how wrong she is about that. There were times when I would have given up a kidney to get past a level on that Candy Crush.

    As a last resort, I downloaded “Words with Friends” for her. She has always been a fan of Scrabble, so I told her it is just like it. I helped her play her first word on the board and left her to it.

    Two days went by and I got a phone call.

    “This woman I’m playing with is cheating! You know how much I hate cheaters!”

    My mind flashed back to a friendly game of Scrabble involving my family and a friend who was in town visiting. She and my mom got into a massive argument over the word, “poi”. My friend told her she couldn’t use it because it was a foreign word and my mom argued back that in fact, it was not. They got out a dictionary and at one point I thought they might come to blows or at least scratch each other’s eyes out. It was UGLY. So ugly, that there is still resentment and anger between them over this one evening of Scrabble.

    Now, you or I would just stop playing with the random online Words with Friends person. But noooooooooooooooooooooo, my mom sends the woman a message telling her she needs to read the rules, because she is not playing correctly. That of course, got the woman all upset and she wrote back saying, ” I have played this game for years and I do not cheat. I know the rules.”

    Later in the afternoon, Mom calls again to tell me they continue to argue about the cheating and pretty soon she might need me to come up with some bail money because she isn’t going to tolerate it much longer.

    Sigh. When is she ever going to grow up?

     

     


  9. If Women Had Penises

    February 23, 2015 by C.

    Yes, please!

    Yes, please!

     

     

    My niece and nephew came to stay with me for a few days after Christmas. We had a blast like we always do. I delivered them back home safely and went back to my normal, boring life.

    A few days after they had left, I had a friend over. She had been drinking a ton of tea (told you I have a boring life… I don’t have any party animal friends) and she needed to use the restroom. A few minutes later she comes out of the guest bathroom and says, “I think your nephew might have missed the toilet because there is urine on the back of it, by the tank.”

    I rarely go into my guest bathroom. It is just that…a room for guests to do their business and the owner to just clean occasionally.

    “WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????,”  was my response to her. 

    “Boys seem to have a hard time hitting the target, it’s pretty normal. I mean he is only five, Chanin.”

    “Well, that is just unacceptable. The least he could have done was told me and I would have cleaned it up, but now I am humiliated because I have urine all over my guest bathroom toilet and you saw it first.”

    “Men do this too. I’m surprised you haven’t had more issues with it.”

    Men do this on a regular basis????????????? How? Why??? I don’t understand how this happens on a regular basis and if grown men do this, why in the hell don’t they clean up after themselves??? Apparently, I have only had very neat and clean men in my home. 

    Here is what I know. If a woman had a penis, she would NEVER miss the toilet. Not only that, she would put her penis to work and not just in the porn industry.

    1. There would be no more need for Smokey the Bear because women would just wander around forests waiting to put out fires with their new and handy fire extinguisher.

    2. A woman would be able to create art with her new penis.

    3. A woman would become a world-renowned ice sculptor using her penis much more precisely than a cumbersome chainsaw (although this method would take much longer than a chainsaw).

    4.  A woman would tie a line to that thing and fish while swimming in a lake (because we are multi-tasking creatures).

    5. Invent a snap on case that with the push of a button turns into a light saber and use it to fight evildoers.

    6. We would be smart enough to know that our manhood isn’t measured by the width and length of it. This would make us supremely secure in ourselves and less likely to be assholes.

    7. Dress it in outfits and throw puppet shows at strip clubs.

    Really, the possibilities are endless.

    It would also be so satisfying to make the money men make just because they have one of those things and also standing while urinating seems like such a wonderful time saver.

    Sadly, God did not make us with one of those handy tools so we will have to continue sitting on toilets to urinate and making less money, but at least our sex is better organized, much more attractive and always right.


  10. 40 Things About Me

    January 23, 2015 by C.

    For inquiring minds...

    For inquiring minds…

     

     

    I put this together for all of my stalkers and those who just feel the need to know more about me. I apologize in advance. Well, except to my stalkers who are thrilled beyond belief. You’re welcome.

    1.       I hate being outside.

    2.      Mainly because of bugs.

    3.      One time a bee crawled in my pop can while I was golfing. It stung the inside of my upper lip. My lip was huge. Bees don’t taste good in case you were wondering. 

    4.      I love any kind of storm (yes, even snow).

    5.      Rainy days are my favorite…especially if the weather is cooler, like in the 50’s.

    6.      I was in a rock band in high school. I played guitar, but really wanted to play drums.

    7.      I have a set of drums in storage.

    8.     I don’t play them because I am scared of all the bugs in the storage unit.

    9.      Bugs freak me the hell out.

    10.  I love kids in small doses, except for my niece and nephew. I would like a dose of them daily, but they live two hours away.

    11.   I never had kids of my own because I knew my cursing, eating cereal for dinner (Lucky Charms and Fruitty Pebbles)  and my love of staying up all hours would not be healthy for a child.

    12.  Also, I would lock them outside to play all the time, like even in the winter or overnight.

    13.  And I am super selfish and love to spend all my money on zombie toys, books, and Oreos.

    14.  Plus I HATE eating at McDonald’s. It is so gross. I was told once they use cow eyeballs as meat filler. No thanks. But kids love that shit, so no kids for me!

    15.   I however LOVE eating Papa John’s pizza and drinking Cokes.

    16.  I don’t drink alcohol. Ever. I know you probably find that hard to believe since many of my posts are about wine or drinking, but that is not the case. I have allergies to alcohol and I am never sure what will set them off, so I just avoid it altogether. I put those posts up for all of you. Yes, I am super sweet and considerate.

    17.   I have been known to sniff quite a bit of glue, though.

    18.  Not really. My mom just had a heart attack. Sorry Mom!

    19.  My mom lives in the duplex next to mine. I write about her all the time because I think she is very funny (especially when she doesn’t mean to be). She has threatened to sue me many times. I try to make her understand that it will all pay off for her one day (that means she might get a nursing home with activities like basket weaving AND also has attentive aides to wipe her butt).

    20. I have always been determined to be semi-famous. My autograph has been perfected and I am ready for my 1st book signing. Guess I just need to actually write a book.

    21.  I have started approximately 204 books but have not gotten past the 1st chapter of any of them.

    22. I suck.

    23. One of my most favorite things in the world is breakfast buffet. Especially in Vegas.

    24. I hate going to Vegas though.

    25.  I have two dream vacations…one to Italy so I can eat my weight in pasta and hang with George Clooney at Lake Como. 2nd one is a trip to Los Angeles to do nothing but stalk TV and movies stars for a week.

    26. I collect autographs of celebrities and athletes through the mail.

    27.  Out of all of them that have been returned to me signed, the one that truly made me get tears in my eyes was Carol Burnett. I have loved her and her show since I was a child.

    28. I love movies and I am a snob about them.

    29.  Such a snob, I have never watched Dumb and Dumber or Happy Gilmore. I HATE Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

    30. I am also a book snob. Hated Twilight and 50 Shades.

    31.My friends get irritated with me because I make fun of their enjoyment of such movies and books.

    32.  I  had to have one such friend go with me to get my ears pierced when I was 26-years-old, because I hate needles and I was scared to death.

    33. I still hate needles.

    34. I would never make a very good druggie.

    35. I would however be an excellent drug dealer.

    36.  I really want to learn how to shoot guns.

    37. I also want to learn how to throw knives like a ninja.

    38.  I might be a little weird.

    39. Ok, I am a lot weird.

    40. I love each and every person for taking the time out of their day to come to this page and read the things I write. Thank you so very, very much.