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10 Tips For Total Domination on Black Friday

11/23/2011 by C.

Tips for Black Friday Total Domination

I have been out fighting the crowds on Black Friday every
year since 2005. I get what I want, period. Follow these tips and you will
totally dominate your fellow Wal-mart shoppers. 

1.     Buy a newspaper Thanksgiving morning and check
out what you want to buy instead of just showing up at Wal-mart to go see
what’s going on. You can’t see crap. It is an angry mob times a million. You
will be lucky if you don’t have a black eye and massive amounts of hair missing
by the time you get out of there. 

2.       Make a list of what stores you need to hit, what times
they open and what you want from that particular store. 

3.       Do not get a shopping cart. There is no room to push it
down the aisles. It will just slow you down and piss me off when you keep
hitting my butt with it over and over and over. 

4.       Bring a partner, but do not bring your kids. I see this
every year. The kid will start crying and want to go home. Your child will be in therapy for years because you just had to have the kid go to Black Friday with you. Do us all a favor
and leave the kid at home with Dad. Can’t locate the baby daddy or Justin Bieber is your baby daddy? Then leave the kid with some other relative.

5.       Have a map of the store. Most of the major stores will
have these available online to make navigating on the big day much easier.  

6.       Communicate with your partner via walkie-talkie. You
need to hit the registers at about the same time and also check off things on
your lists as you accumulate them. Yes, I know you have a cell phone and text
messaging and apps and all that jazz but you cannot hear your phone in the
store and you cannot just stop and text a message to someone. You will be
shoved out of the way. Get walkie-talkies. Get on the same channel and crank
the volume. 

7.       Dress appropriately. Do not wear your winter coat no
matter how cold it is outside. You will burn up in the store and you need both arms to
carry all your bargains.

8.       Bring snacks. You need a bottle of water in the car to soothe your sore throat after screaming at so many people. It is also good to have something like peanut butter and crackers to chow on. This kind of shopping works up an appetite and you won’t get to have breakfast
until around 9am.  

9.       If you want to have some fun, grab 2 of something that
is really hot…like this year there will be $49 Blu-ray players at Wal-mart.
Keep one for yourself and just set one up by where you are checking out and
walk away. Watch people fight over it from a distance. Good times. 

10.   Go to the bathroom before you leave the house. You will
not be able to go again until you drag into Cracker Barrel for your victory
breakfast. I suppose you could always go on the parking lot if you are into that sort of thing. Who am I to judge, right?

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