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May, 2011

  1. Slight Delay

    May 25, 2011 by C.

    I live in Joplin MO. Most internet and phone service is down. My work has bought a Sprint wifi spot that works for about 5 minutes at a time. So I am on here briefly to let everyone know I will be back to blogging hopefully sometime next week. Please keep Joplin, MO in your prayers.

  2. 365 Days To a Better You…and Me

    May 22, 2011 by C.

    I have loved to read since I was a little girl. Back then the Nancy Drew and Judy Blume books rocked my world.

    Looking back over the years, I realized I have done more reading for fun instead of reading to learn something or better myself. In the past few years, I have started reading a few books that could possibly improve me as a person and smarten me up a bit. I think this is a good thing and something I would like to do more of.

    So I have decided to try something out. For the next 365 days, I am going to read at least 10 pages from a book per day that will inspire me, teach me, motivate me or just improve me in some way. There will be no excuses, no “I got home too late tonight” or “I had such a hard day at work and I just cannot keep my eyes open any longer.” Nope, this is going to happen every single day. If I happen to read more than 10 pages…great. But I will read at least the 10 pages.

    I would love for you all to join me in my adventure. What’s the worst that could happen? I suppose reading might interfere with an episode of “Jersey Shore” but come on people…that stuff is just rotting your brains. I am a big fan of G.T.L. though. Pure genius.

    I am curious to see what kind of person I will be 365 days from now. Will I have a new job? Will I raise my I.Q.  10 points? Will I make more money? Will I inspire others? I can’t wait to find out.

    Today I will start this adventure with “Do You” by Russell Simmons. Yes, the record label mogul Russell Simmons. I have heard good things about this book so thought I would check it out.

    Let me know what you think…will you join me or do I need to show up at your house and twist your arm? Don’t put it past me people!

  3. Caught Up in The Rapture

    May 20, 2011 by C.

    Well, it looks like tomorrow will be the beginning of the end of the world as we know it, at least according to Harold Camping. Camping is the head of the Family Radio broadcasting network. He has conjured up some mathematical equation that is telling him Judgment Day is May 21st, 2011. Oh, beginning at 6pm. Approximately 3% of the world’s population will be beamed up to Heaven and everyone else will be left here dealing with 5 months of extreme natural disasters until October 21st 2011, when the world gets destroyed. Chances of me being sucked up…slim to none. So I have decided just in case this lunatic is correct, I am going to live it up on Saturday. Here is my schedule of activities:
    5:00am- No way I am sleeping late on the last day of normalcy. Out to my favorite breakfast place for chicken fried steak and eggs.
    6:00am-Stopping by the ATM machine to clear out all $235.22 in my checking account. Head to the casino.
    7:00am- Play 3 card poker like I have nothing to lose because well, I don’t. Head over to the sports book and lay down some $$$ on The Preakness. Write this down people. Trifecta : #1 Dialed In, #2 Animal Kingdom, #3 Mucho Macho Man. Throw down on a couple of long shots I feel good about…Sway Away at 15-1 and King Congie at 20-1. Hey, how cool would it be to go out a winner?
    Steal a super cool car on the parking lot to cruise around in in my final hours.
    Noon- Since it doesn’t look like things will be normal around dinner time I am going to have a lunch of my favorite things.
    Grilled out steak, mashed potatoes, a side of pizza and Cokes. Dessert…chocolate cream pie.
    1pm- Call all my friends and family and tell them I love them…you know…just in case.
    2pm- Go shopping and max out all my credit cards. I wonder how fast Best Buy can install a 75 inch TV and surround sound? That Xoom tablet is so mine.
    3pm- Go set all the animals free at the Humane Society.
    3:30pm-Try to convince a homeless man to kiss me in the rain. I have always wanted to be kissed in the rain and it is always raining here so chances are it is going to happen. I think a Big Mac for the homeless man just might seal the deal.
    4:00pm-Write my letter of resignation and e-mail into work. 
    4:15pm-Buy a bottle of Cristal and start drinking.
    4:30pm-sharpen my teeth to look like a vampire’s. Thinking that alone might get the looters and rapists away from me when all hell breaks loose.
    5:00pm-Roll in extra TV. It is on CNN, while I play Angry Birds on the big screen.  Open up all the blinds and doors to see if any of my neighbors are lucky enough to get sucked up.

    So everyone, make sure you have your best clothes, including undies on tomorrow just in case you get to meet JC himself.

  4. My Glamorous Life

    May 20, 2011 by C.

    I am often approached at restaurants and on the street by people just so curious about my life as a blogger.

    “Where do you come up with these funny ideas for stories?”

    “Did you take a class to learn how to be funny?”

    “Is your mom really that mean to you?”

    So I thought tonight would be a great night to just lay it all out there. This my friends, is a picture of my working area. Spectacular don’t you think? So glamorous. Let me walk you through it.

    Orange notebook- “Clippings” I learned this in one of my 30 writing courses. You make a notebook and when you see a story about something you might like to write about one day, you keep it in there.

    Router, modem, tv remote control, my glasses case, calculator (to add up the HUGE amount of money I make off this blog), little notepad under calculator. Carmex for my sensitive lips, Nivea Creame for my chapped hands, 25% off coupon for Ruby Tuesday, winning horse racing ticket (thank you Animal Kingdom).

    Moving across the folding table we have my mouse pad with several pills on it. This blog isn’t about happy pills for no reason. One of which I call my “Super crazy pill”. You can never know when a reader will leave a hateful comment that makes me cry and the only thing to get me to snap out of an evening of self-loathing is that little pill. Nasal spray, another notebook, cd cleaner (for when I play my Adam Lambert cds so much it wears them out), can of that computer spray crap, pens and highlighter. Dixie Cup with tea, resting on my Steelers coaster.

    Keyboard, monitor with Adam Lambert as wallpaper and the pieces of paper…the one at the top is out of a fortune cookie I got recently and it reads,” From now on your kindness will lead you to success.” I am really not a kind person, so it makes me giggle when I read it.

    The white paper on the bottom is a list of goals I made for myself. Most of which would get me in trouble at work so those I won’t share…but I will share this one…”#3 Have Happy Pill blog up to 50 followers by December 31st, 2011.” I have 6 right now so that one is probably a bit of a reach…but isn’t that why it is called a goal??? DUH!

    Last but not least…lets talk about the folding table. It is broken. Hard to see in the photo but the monitor is leaning. If I get into a major typing frenzy, I have to hold the table up with my left knee. Yes, it might be time to break down and purchase a real desk.

    That is it. My super glamorous life as a blogger. I hope you enjoyed a peek into the lifestyle of this rich and famous woman. I am sure you will go to bed tonight thinking, “Man, I wish I was a rich and successful Blogger like Chanin.”

    Keep dreaming bitches.

  5. I Am a Big Chicken

    May 19, 2011 by C.

    This man’s face haunted me for weeks after seeing, “Silence of the Lambs”. I dreamed every single night that he was chasing me around this really old house with wood floors. He got me cornered and took a sharp pencil and stabbed it so hard into my foot that it was stuck to the floor and I could not move. Then he made himself a nice bathrobe out of my milky white skin. Needless to say, I didn’t watch anymore of the Hannibal movies.

    Looking back I have always been a big chicken. When I was around 12 years old my mom and grandfather took my sister and I to one of those little carnivals that comes to town. There was a tent set up with a woman that would transform into a gorilla before your very eyes. What they did not tell you is the gorilla would escape the cage. I literally knocked down 4 people and hurtled them to get my fat butt out of that tent. My mom said I was the first one out and my eyes were wild. I did not stop at them, oh no, I kept running until I got to the car. I wanted the hell out of there.

    Many years later I had an actual scary experience while working a part-time job at the mall. I was working in the store alone that night. A young man entered the store and well, he started to crank his one eyed-yogurt thrower. I pretty calmly told him to knock it off (I do have to admit it is a bit flattering that he was so struck by my beauty he had to start doing that in a store in the mall). Well, that did not work. So I yelled for help, forgetting that the 90 year old mall walkers have not heard themselves fart in decades so how could they hear me screaming? So I looked at the young man as he started coming closer and I informed him I was calling 911. Didn’t phase him. So I picked up the phone and dialed 911.

    “911 what is your emergency?”

    “Well I work at ________ in the mall and there is a young man in here doing some inappropriate things.”

    “What is he wearing?”

    “He has on a white wife beater shirt, jeans and white tennis shoes. Approximately 6’0 tall and I am guessing around 170 lbs.”

    “Has he threatened you?”

    “Um, no he is um…well…oh boy…he is um pleasuring himself in front of me.”

    “We will send a car right out.”

    About this time, he steps behind the counter and comes towards me. I have nothing in near reach that will hurt him so I just start picking things up off the counter and throwing them at him. I got him pretty good with the stapler.
    He must have tired of my lack of affection because he turned to leave. As he raced out the door I yelled after him, “Call me!”
    Seriously, that would have been a great story to tell to friends at our 25th wedding anniversary.

    I had hoped with age would come more courage. Nope. To this day, I sleep with lights on, wasp spray within reach (much better than mace because it shoots further out) and a baseball bat under the bed. If someone ever does get in here, I am not going down without a fight. Well, unless he kind of looks like Keith Urban. Then, I might just have to let him live.

  6. Man Keeps Pet Alligator To Impress the Ladies

    May 17, 2011 by C.

    An Illinois man was charged for possession of a dangerous animal. Dewayne Yarborough, 43, said he kept an alligator in his house to serve as a “chick magnet.”

    This poor gator was kept in a fish tank and fed only 10 live mice a month in order to keep him from growing.

    Now, I am envisioning Dewayne to look a little like Dwight Shrute from “The Office”. He has probably been married and divorced and at this point pretty desperate.

    I am not sure what chick this would attract exactly. Maybe a chick that thought there was a chance the gator might eventually be made into shoes or a purse. It would certainly take a special woman to have a sleepover with Dewayne. I envision the lady having dreams of Brad Pitt sucking on her toes, only to wake up and find it was a gator sucking on her toes and he sucked a couple right off.

    Guys, this does not impress chicks. Here are a few other things that you should keep to yourself if you are wanting to impress a lady friend…

    Your collection of softball bats.

    Your Dungeons and Dragons chess set.

    The locks of your mother’s hair you keep in the medicine cabinet.

    Your beer sign collection.

    Voodoo doll used on ex-wife.

    That weird rash around your belly button.

    You get the idea. It truly is not hard to impress us. Hold open a door or two, have a job and tell us we are pretty. Or if all those things haven’t worked for you then invest in a pet rattlesnake. Chicks love snakes way more that gators.

  7. A Crime I Approve Of

    May 14, 2011 by C.

    A surveillance camera caught a man walking out of a Kroger’s with $700 of Crest Whitestrips.

    The man has yet to be identified. Here is his photo in case one of you recognize him. If you do recognize him, please don’t call the police…call me.

    I am a freak about my teeth. I am almost 40 years old and have never had a cavity. I had braces as a teen and I think this could be why I took such good care of my teeth at an early age. I was reminded every 30 minutes by my parents just how much those braces cost.

    “We were nice enough to pay for braces to fix your nasty ass crooked teeth, the least you could do is take care of them.” Got it.

    I have to say it is nice to go to a dentist and all they have to do is clean them and try to convince me to be a tooth model for their Yellow Page ad.

    About every six months, I use about 2 weeks of Whitestrips to give my teeth a nice white shine. These things really do work if you have never used them. The downside is they are a bit expensive. So I am looking for a big time bargain from this young man. I have been searching Ebay to see if he has put them up for sale at half price or cheaper. I have checked Craigslist Indiana with no results. Maybe he is obsessed with his teeth too and just going to hog them all.

    Whatever the case may be this is a crime I can support. Does it really cost that much to make these things? I doubt it. I guess I will just take my butt down to Walgreens and lay down a chunk of change for my fix. But if any of you see him selling these out of the back of a car in a dark alley… call me!

  8. My Guilty Pleasure

    May 11, 2011 by C.

    I like to smell good. Fatties often get accused of  smelling of body odor and bacon, but not this fatty. Oh no. For as long as I can remember perfume has been an important part of who I am. I am not a pick one fragrance and wear it until I am old or dead or both. I like to change it up.

    This my friends is my new fragrance. Gucci Guilty. It just sounds naughty. When I wear it I want to take myself out on a date, spring for dinner and have my own babies. Yes, it is that good.

    Now this stuff is not cheap. So just to make sure I would like it and we would get along, I ordered a sample on Ebay. I have been wearing it for about a week now and we are really getting along. When I walk by women, men, dogs and various farm animals, they all chase after me and try to do some unmentionables to yours truly.

    So if you are in the market for a new fragrance and you are not afraid of being mounted by farm animals, give this a sniff next time you are near a Cosmo magazine or a high dollar department store.