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June, 2011

  1. Life is a Bitch Then You Die, Live and Die Again

    June 25, 2011 by C.

    Fagliyu Mukametzyanova, 49, had died of an apparent heart attack. She collapsed in her home with chest pains and was pronounced dead by doctors in Russia.


    Later in the day, they held the funeral for Fagliyu. Apparently, the Russians aren’t into embalming. The mourners were passing by her coffin when she suddenly woke up, realized what was going on and started screaming. 


    She lived approximately 12 more minutes and then died again from the shock of being in a coffin with people praying over her soul. 


    Her husband is a bit crabby and wants the doctors that pronounced her dead to do some explaining.  “She wasn’t dead when they said she was and they could have saved her.” Poor guy. 


    At times I have thought it would be cool to get to watch your own funeral. Being able to see just who really misses you and the ones that cannot wait to pilfer through your belongings to sell them on Ebay. After reading about poor Fagliyu I think I may have changed my mind. Can you imagine waking up and realizing what was going on?? I would be really scared but then start to realize…hey I am alive! And then die again. What a downer from my miraculous resurrection. 


    I would imagine the doctors in that town were busy that evening with other heart failures. Those mourners probably thought she was some sort of zombie coming to drag them all into the grave. I know for sure I would have hit the doors and not stopped running until I made it safely to Finland. 


  2. I Know A Good Thing When I See It

    June 22, 2011 by C.

    Charlie Boghosian has invented Fried Kool-Aid balls. He debuted these little wonders at the San Diego County Fair. Doing a search for these I mainly found people saying how disgusting they think these will taste. I beg to differ. This looks completely heavenly to me. But I am a fatty and if you deep fry it I will eat it. I have had shark, alligator, snake, frog legs and pickles. Not all in one sitting of course. 


    So I offer up a recipe for these balls of delight and if you make them you must bring me one…or 10. Whatever. 


    Fried Kool-Aid Recipe

    Ingredients:
    – Vegetable oil (for frying)
    – 1/4 cup to 1/2 cup Kool-Aid (We like grape)
    –  3 eggs
    – 1/4 of sugar (Want it sweeter? Add more)
    – 1/2 tsp. of salt
    – 2 tsp. baking powder
    – 2 cups milk
    – 3 2/3 cups of flour


    Make the batter by beating the eggs and sugar together. Gradually add the milk and dry ingredients. Cook in hot vegetable oil until golden brown (a few minutes, depending on heat). Cool in tray for a few minutes, then dig in.  


  3. Will You Marry Us?

    June 17, 2011 by C.

    Handsome Paul is looking for a bride. He has tried every which way to lure in a wife and has had no success. Paul is getting older (38) and really needs to find a wife and live happily ever after.

    He has started a blog http://www.handsomepaul.blogspot.com/ which is really funny and horribly honest. After reading through his blog I think I have come up with a few reasons why he has not had much luck thus far.

    1. Paul is pretty much bald. Chicks like hair or they like completely bald, not this half-ass bald head crap. Either shave it all off and shine it up or check into Hair Club for Men.

    2. He admits at 38 years of age he has NEVER had a girlfriend. It is far too difficult to deal with a man that has not been trained by a woman. We need to know at least a couple of women have whipped you into shape just a bit. Examples are: you know that you cannot leave the seat up on the toilet, taking out the trash is your job and you tell us we look nice in whatever we have on when we ask for your opinion.
    Starting from scratch is just too much work. At my age, crashing into a toilet with no seat is extremely dangerous and could lead to a broken hip or cracked pelvis.

    3. He doesn’t make enough money. Paul’s blog states that if you get him a date with someone that becomes his wife, he will donate half of a years salary to your favorite charity. The estimate for half of his salary is $10,000-20,000. Just trying to be realistic here…I do not wish to marry someone that makes $20,000 a year. I would like to eat something a little better than cat food when I retire. Not to mention a refrigerator box in Florida is not my idea of living the good life during my golden years. I think most women would agree with me here even though I might sound like a greedy bitch.

    4. This is where Paul lives…

    Where do I start with this? There are very few women that would approve of living like this. Seriously dude, plug in that TV, turn on HGTV and get this place woman ready. No woman in her right mind wants to pick up after your sloppy ass. 
    5. Women that are not hookers do not dig Weiner like photos. 
    6. #37 on his list is he does not need Viagra. “Even as I approach the age of 40, I’m still afraid to wear sweatpants because of how easily I get aroused.” Oh Paul, you should never have mentioned this. This means if your future wife happens to run the vacuum bra-less you will mount her like the hairy poodle you are. Us giving the girls a few hours out of their trap to clean house is not an invitation. Keep it tucked in your sweatpants. Please remember, marriage=no sex. Ever. Oh and whining just makes us want it even less so pick your lip up and soldier on. 

    I think that pretty much covers it. I won’t go into how Paul could share makeup with you or loves hamsters. I really do want this man to find a wife. 

    Here is where you come in. I need one of you to step up…take one for the team and marry Handsome Paul. That $10,000 could really help out some tornado victims in Joplin. So get with it! Paul has an e-mail address listed so you can e-mail him with all your endearing qualities. Actually, I think just being female means you are qualified so no need to try to impress him. I expect a wedding invitation. 

  4. You Are So Dumb!

    June 16, 2011 by C.

    Sean Murphy, 38, had been troubled by a wart that was on his middle finger. He had tried every sort of cream, home remedy and seen many doctors. Nothing could get rid of this thing. Well nothing but his 12-bore Beretta shotgun.

    Mr. Murphy got his drink on one evening and decided he could shoot the wart off his finger. Instead, he shot off most of his middle finger and wound up in trouble with the law. You see, the gun was not registered. For all this pain and suffering, he was handed a 16 week prison sentence and 100 hours of community service.

    I really don’t understand why a doctor could not remove this thing. I have had a wart on my finger before. One quick trip to the dermatologist and I was wart free and still had my finger to boot.

    It also puzzles me why he thought a gun was the best route. Ever heard of a scalpel? Kitchen knife? Box cutter? Razor blade? I guess not.

    Mr. Murphy, you are so dumb!


  5. Everyone is Going to Have One of These

    June 9, 2011 by C.

    A woman in the Netherlands had all 152 of her friends profile pictures tattooed to her arm. The process took two weeks to complete. It doesn’t mention the cost but I  imagine it cost her a small fortune.

    This bothers me for many reasons. I am just not a fan of tattoos. Yes, I know they are “in” right now and everyone is doing it and everyone has one. Everyone but me.

    Then there is the issue of what would I have a tattoo of??? I could go with ” I love my Mom” inside a big heart on my chest but I am fairly confident that my Mom would try to remove it with a cheese grater as she hates tattoos even more than I do. Sure, I could go with some sort of Steelers tattoo but that just doesn’t seem very original. I am not one of those women that just LOVE ladybugs so much I feel I must have one on each of my 10 toes. So that really just leaves something like an Adam Lambert tattoo. I know if I went down that road someone would lock me in the loony bin and toss the key.

    There is also the issue of pain. I do not like pain. I avoid at all costs. When I had an ingrown toenail removed recently you would have thought someone had sawed off my arm with a box opener. It hurt people. Seriously.

    Now, I really think this woman is nuts because your Facebook friends change so much. What happens when she starts losing friends? There is not a magic eraser that I know of that will make their little faces go away. Gaining more friends is easy enough, just go back and have them added. But when some of those 152 people see what she has done, I would have to think she might at least drop down to 130 friends pretty quickly. I wouldn’t want my fat face displayed on someones arm. I suppose a solution would be to put a giant X over their face when they part ways. That will teach you to un-friend me!

    All I have to say is you should all thank this woman because my topic this evening was to be about a woman that can have orgasms while she poops. Enough said.


  6. This Won’t Beat Us

    June 6, 2011 by C.

    On May 22nd, 2011 an EF5 tornado destroyed one third of the town in which I live. Although my home was not touched in this tornado, it is still devastating. As I drive though the parts of the town that were affected, it is difficult to determine exactly where I am. There are some parts of town where you can see for miles, when at one time you saw a park or churches or homes or trees.

    Now when I look around my town I see heaps of metal and wood…the remains of someone’s life. Today I took a drive and saw someone’s wardrobe still hanging perfectly in their closet but that closet is the only section of their home still remaining. I saw cars that were wadded up by the high winds of the tornado and tossed away like a discarded piece of paper.

    On almost every street corner of the major intersections there are either temporary insurance agencies or church groups preparing grilled hot dogs and hamburgers for the displaced and the volunteers.

    Those churches and volunteers come from all over our country. I have seen Illinois, Indiana, Wyoming, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia and California tags. If I could hunt down every single person that is here to help this town and hug and thank them it would never be enough to express the gratitude I feel. People that just give up their lives and hop in a car to come to a town and assist strangers. It has restored my faith in mankind tenfold. Thank you and God bless you.

    The route I drive every day to get to work has pretty much all been destroyed. I look at what remains of my favorite Wal-greens store or the Sonic I would run to for lunch occasionally or worst of all the pizza place that has been in this town since I was a child. Then I think for just a second about exactly what has happened here and I cannot help but to cry. It has become a joke here that crying and driving is just as dangerous as texting and driving. They are right.

    Everyone here knows someone that has been affected by the tornado. They have either lost their home, or the place they work or someone they loved and in some cases all three of those things. It is hard being one of the few whose home and work are still standing and I am still surrounded by those I love. It is almost a feeling of guilt. Why them and not me? I spent hours in bed at night trying to process it all. I have finally realized there really are no answers. The tornado picked its victims. It was extremely random. You can go down a block where every single house but one has been completely leveled. You cannot logically explain a tornado and its path of destruction.

    I went out one evening with a few Rubbermaid tubs, bug spray and sunscreen. Every item was distributed within a two-block area. One couple even offered me a cold bottle of water. No one would take more than two tubs…as if they are thinking in the back of their mind someone might need these more than I do. This town is filled with amazing people and it becomes more evident to me each and every day since this tragedy occurred.

    I know why Joplin was hit by this tornado. We were hit because we can handle it. We can beat this. We can begin again, move on and live our lives just like everyone else. Live our lives for the ones that did not make it out of the tornado. Show them each and every day that we as a town can re-build and grow stronger in their honor. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen quickly but this town can do it.

    Our situation often makes me think of this Bible verse… “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). We are strong, we will endure and we will find the way out of this.


  7. Delivery To Up Your Butt, New Jersey

    June 3, 2011 by C.

    This is a photo from the truck stop just east of town, moments after the tornado went through Joplin, MO.

    Trucks are my business. My job five days a week is to find business for the trucking company I work for. We are a bit abnormal for a trucking company in that we do not actually move trucks and trailers filled with goodies. We just move trucks. Let’s say you have a truck in Nashville, TN that you need delivered to another dealer in Salt Lake City, UT. You call me, I quote it and we work on finding a driver to get to Nashville and drive your truck to Salt Lake City. Besides doing that I also handle customer service for a Mack Trucks national account. My days are spent e-mailing, calling and bugging strangers to let me move their trucks. So as you can imagine, our town being hit by a F5 tornado has really screwed with communications. From Sunday until Tuesday afternoon we had absolutely no power. Come into work on Wednesday and the computers won’t work, our phones are dead and our cell phones cannot get a signal now inside the building.

    I was supplied with a Sprint wireless card and sent home to work. I was finally able to check my e-mails Wednesday evening but the connection was worse than dial-up so it was a very slow process to get through all 250 e-mails. Five of those e-mails were from the same customer that needed a quote. He sent two on Monday and 3 on Tuesday. The last one read, “Why are you not responding to my e-mails????????????????????”

    Now, I know this person had no idea where we were located and was just frustrated but I too was a little angry that a stupid tornado wiped a third of my town off the map. Here is my response…

    Mr. Dickhead (ok, I put his real name here)
    I am terribly sorry for the delay in getting you a quote. Our offices are in Joplin, MO. As you may have seen on the news we were hit with a F5 tornado and a good portion of our town has been destroyed. Needless to say communication has been a challenge for us. To be honest, we are all just fortunate to be alive and have an office to work in.
    The rate to move your truck from Poopstain, NM to Up Your Butt, NJ is $10,500 ( a 75% markup).
    Again, I am sorry that it took so long to get a response from us. Have a great evening!
    Not so sincerely,
    Me

    Of course he responded with, “Oh my God, I had no idea. I am so sorry. I will keep Joplin in my prayers.” So then I felt a little guilty and wrote back…”Just for praying for Joplin, I am going to give you a 5% discount! We really need some prayers!”

    Some days I like my job and some days it makes me want to kill people. Is that normal???