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July, 2011

  1. DIY Surgery Coming Soon to TLC

    July 29, 2011 by C.

    A 63-year-old California man decided to play the game “Operation” on himself at home. He was suffering from a protruding hernia and was sick and tired of waiting for surgery on his rupture so he operated on himself with a 6 inch butter knife. We can’t really say he is the sharpest tool in the shed, or used the sharpest tool for that matter.

    The man’s wife called the police to report what her husband had attempted to do. The poor policemen show up and this lunatic is laying naked in a lawn chair in their apartment with the knife sticking out of his abdomen. They asked him to remove the knife, which he did and just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, he stuck his lit cigarette into the wound. Could this man have possibly been smart enough to try to cauterize his wound? I think not.

    I am very confused as to what the wife must have been thinking. This could not seem like a good idea to anyone. Maybe she wanted him dead. Had he left the seat up on the toilet one too many times? Criticized her cooking? Whacked her in the face with his protruding hernia?

    Maybe she had really hoped he would do such a great job on himself he could give her a boob job once he recovered. Slice her open, pop in a couple of oranges and sew her back up to her new C cup boobies. Firm and perky and full of vitamin C. All the peeps in the hood would want to have their surgery done by her husband, “Dr. Feelgood” and just think of the additional income he would be bringing in. They might even be able to afford a scalpel for the next surgery he would like to perform on himself.

    “Dr. Feelgood” was locked away in a psychiatric ward (I think the cigarette in the wound might have been a bit too much) and will get his hernia surgery paid for by taxpayers. Man, I love this country.

  2. There Are Benefits To Being A Fatty

    July 24, 2011 by C.

    Work it! 

    These lovely ladies in their pretty skirts stole around $400 of champagne from a liquor store by placing the bottles underneath their skirts. I can only assume they had the bottles in a death grip between their thunder thighs. 

    Do I have to even say this happened in Florida? There are some seriously whacked out people down in that state. I get most of my stories from the lunatics in Florida. Thank you Floridians! 

    This was not the first time this store was hit by the skirt bandits. It happened once before in October.

    Paul Mouts,owner of DPF Liquors said, “It’s very frustrating. It’s the second time, and I want them caught.”

    The women have been identified but the police cannot seem to track them down. 

    I knew there had to be benefits to being a fatty other than keeping me super warm in the winter and getting me out of climbing the rope to the roof in gym class. 

    I had to test this out for myself. Off to Wal-mart I went. I decided on a bottle of Seagram’s Calypso Colada in the refrigerated section of the liquor department. Do not judge. It is hotter than a stolen tamale outside. 

    I hiked up my skirt and shoved the bottle in mouth end first. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh man that felt good. I headed off to the front door. I was distracted by my thoughts of “how much time will I do if I am caught trying to steal one wine cooler? I hope the food has gotten better since the water and cracker days…I would hate to lose lots of weight and become someones bitch on the prison yard.”

    A child ran out in front of me, I had to stop suddenly and that is when I felt the shift. The bottle was making its way down my thighs. I froze. I had caught it just above my knees. I was almost to the front door. Surely I could make it out with the bottle in this position. I am waddling down the aisle like a palsied penguin. 

    I was so focused on the front door I did not see the elderly man headed my way in a motorized cart. The senile bastard ran over my toe causing me to scream and my thighs to release the bottle. 

    “Oh my God, my water just broke!” *Never thought looking like a pregnant person full time would ever pay off*

    As I ran out the front door I heard someone say, “Why is her water blue and why does it smell tropical?” A woman responds with, “Never mind that. Why does it have glass in it?” 

    Crime just does not pay. Even if you have an abundance of fat rolls to hide the loot. 

  3. 10 Things You Can Get Me For My Birthday

    July 22, 2011 by C.

    I shared a few days ago that I am almost 20. Oooops…I meant 40.

    I am constantly being told I am difficult to buy for so I thought I would help out my friends and family this year. I made a list of the top 10 things I would like for my birthday. No one has any excuses for buying
    me socks or McDonald’s gift cards any more!

    The biggest Samsung you can buy

     A trip to Italy

     A beach house. Y’all can afford this little place.

    Barnes and Noble gift card…can never have enough Nook books
    A body like Evangeline Lilly
    My favorite video game
    A job that pays well writing silly stuff. 
     FJ Cruiser in yellow. 
     This beautiful man.

    The big day is August 3rd…I will be waiting people.

  4. Just Gross…Please Don’t Read

    July 19, 2011 by C.

    An article was published recently by “Dermatology Online” giving details of the first nipple to be found on the bottom of a foot. This freaky thing was discovered when the 22 year old woman came in to have them look at a lesion on the bottom of her foot. After some testing it was discovered it was not a lesion but a full blown nipple.

    The first thought that came to me was this must be a dream come true for someone with a foot fetish. This young woman could probably make a fortune with a live web cam that features her freaky foot.

    Then came the questions. What kind of shoe does one wear with a nipple foot? Would you be aroused while walking around in shoes with Dr. Scholl’s massaging gel inserts? “Are you Gellin’?”  When swimming at a pool, would babies chase you around once they caught sight of it?

    If you look closely at the photo, this woman did not put her breast foot forward. Her shaving job on her leg is horrible, not to mention the giant hairs growing out of her 3rd nipple. Gross.

    The human body never ceases to amaze. What next? Nipples on your butt?

  5. Lordy Lordy I Am Almost 40

    July 19, 2011 by C.

    I am just a few weeks away from my 40th birthday. I have mixed emotions about this. People have been telling me that age is just a number and you are just as old as you feel. Bullshit. 40 is 40 is 40. It is a number and it is not a good one. I would prefer a 31 or 32. Do I prefer it to 50 or 60? Of course.

    I do have to say I feel very fortunate to have lived this long. When I was around 12 or so, I read an astrology magazine my aunt had lying around and came across something that for whatever reason made me believe I would die at age 28. Seriously. When I turned 28, I spent the day locked in my bathroom hyperventilating. My thinking was if I just stay in the bathroom all day the chances of the Grim Reaper running me over with a bus or pushing a stray bullet into my chest were slim to none. It worked!

    I am not where I had always envisioned myself being at age 40. I don’t have a beach house. Or season tickets to Pittsburgh Steelers games. I have not written a best seller, gone on tour with the Dave Matthews band or won an Oscar. I don’t even have a third of my bucket list crossed off.

    What I do have is wonderful family and friends. A roof over my head and food on my table (does McDonald’s really count as food?). My life has been blessed for 40 years. I have accomplished some major things, overcome some obstacles and had a lot of fun.

    I bid my 30’s farewell and look ahead to what the 40’s have in store for me. Hopefully more than cheaper car insurance and a pair of reading glasses.

  6. Shaving And Driving: The New Texting And Driving

    July 14, 2011 by C.

    This story is a year old but I had never seen it and it made me laugh for most of the day so I thought I would share.

    So let’s say you had just gotten a DUI, you are on probation, your car had been seized and you have no insurance or registration…oh and your driver’s license has been suspended. Would it seem like a good idea to get back in a car? I guess maybe if you really needed to get somewhere (emergency room, drug dealer or Adam Lambert concert). And would it seem like an even better idea to get in the car with a razor and trim up your nether regions while driving? Megan Barnes thought this was a great idea.

    She and her ex-husband got into a car to drive to her boyfriend’s house for a date. Yep, I said ex-husband. Wait, it gets better. The ex-husband was holding the steering wheel for Megan so she could use two hands to trim her hedge. Their car rear-ended another car going 45 mph. How this woman is not missing half of her vagina is beyond me. I can be standing perfectly still in a shower shaving my legs and have to tie on a tourniquet to stop the bleeding from one little nick. I can only imagine the damage done down below while shaving and crashing at 45 mph. Can you say steak tar-tar?

    The police show up and Megan tells them she was on her way to a date and “wanted to be ready for the visit.” After seeing a photo of Megan and her issue with black roots, I am thinking she might have been better off bleaching her hair while driving. Less dangerous and maybe two tone hair would be more of a turn off than the Garden of Eden growing down below. I mean really, are men that picky? I think not. I read a story the other day about a grandpa having his way with the family bulldog. They will stick it into pretty much any hole available.

    Come to think of it, I would like to blame this tragedy on men. We women go out of our way to make ourselves look attractive to you in every way imaginable (and some unimaginable). This little lady was so jazzed about having a date she was willing to risk driving when she was not supposed to and was cleaning up her hot pocket in a moving vehicle. How hard did her boyfriend work on getting ready for their date? At most he MIGHT have taken a bath and put on the pair of underwear that had the least amount of poop stains.

    The ex-husband. He is very much to blame. Could he not have suggested that maybe this was not the best idea in the world and perhaps they would be better off staying home? What kind of man holds the steering wheel while a woman shaves down there? Was he advising her on her work? “Honey, you missed a spot. Nope a little more to the left. You got it!”

    I cannot tell you how shocked I was when I saw these people were from Florida. Nothing weird ever happens down there.

  7. Am I Crazy?

    July 11, 2011 by C.

    I have been told I have some issues. Who doesn’t these days? I guess mine seem a bit unnecessary so I get picked on quite frequently for my craziness. I thought I would share a few of those things and let you be the judge.

    You will never find a dirty dish in my sink. Ever. Not even when I am sick. My dishes are rinsed and put into the dishwasher where they wait to be washed. That is what the dishwasher is for besides washing the dishes…they store the dirty ones and keep them out of sight. Pretty neat deal. People give me crap about this constantly. If I am at someones house and see a sink full of dirty dishes I begin to feel as if I am suffocating and have been tempted to fix it myself but most times I just judge the person as an uncivilized human and never enter their home again.

    I hate going to Wal-mart. The only times I will go to Wal-mart are either Saturday or Sunday mornings. Before 9am. If I am not in that store before 9am, I will wait an entire week to buy food or whatever else I need.

    I like routines. They keep my head from exploding. If I had a stalker, they would be bored. Every single Saturday this is my routine. Go to Wal-mart and buy crap. Leave Wal-mart stop at Sonic to get my drink on. Stop at The Donut Hole for a couple of donuts to go. Pick up my dry cleaning. Go to the butcher (I am really picky about meat so I don’t buy it from Wal-mart). Fill the car up with gas. Go back home and unload. I like to have Chinese food on Saturdays for lunch. I don’t have it every single Saturday but most of them. The rest of my day is filled with little things I need to get done around the house…dusting, running the vacuum or cleaning my car.

    I don’t like clutter. Everything has a place and I like it there. If I use it, I put it back when I am done.

    I do laundry on Sunday and Wednesdays. Occasionally I have pushed Wednesday back to Thursday but very rarely.

    I make my bed every single morning. No exceptions.

    I am never late. Ever. Not for work or appointments or meeting friends.

    When taking vacation, I like every day completely planned out. I guess that is true even when I am not on vacation. I like to know on Wednesday what I will be doing on the weekend. I am a planner. Not planning freaks me out.

    When I get home from work in the evening, I lay all my pills out for the next morning, go through my mail, cook dinner and get things ready for the next day before I sit down.

    So what do you think? Should I call my Dr. and have him increase my meds???

  8. Pay Day Might Kill You

    July 6, 2011 by C.

    A study in the “Journal of Public Economics” states that the mortality rate increases for people the week after pay day. 

    Four major groups were studied-military personnel, senior citizens on Social Security, families receiving tax rebates and recipients of Alaska’s Permanent Fund dividends. The largest causes of death the week after pay day were heart attacks, substance abuse and accidents.

    “After getting paid, people are just more active — they go out to dinner, head to the store, drive more, go to bars, etc.,” said Evans. “Some of this behavior is inherently risky, like drinking too much or driving drunk. Some of the activity will naturally increase risk — if you drive more, the risk of being in a car accident has increased.”

    This actually makes sense when you think about it. The more money you have to spend the more you are out and about buying Jack Daniels and racing your Segway around the old folks home. 

    I have decided to take action to prevent this sort of thing. I am never leaving the house again. I can buy pretty much anything I would ever need online and have it delivered right to my door. I could get a job working from home. I have heard those envelope licking home jobs aren’t too bad…sign me up! My pay check can be direct deposited so I never have to go to the bank. My bills can be paid online. Papa John’s delivers. Movies can be ordered on demand and you can even get video games delivered to your home. Books can be ordered through my Nook. For enough money I could even have Poison in concert in my backyard (surely you have figured out by now Bret Michaels will do anything for money). I sure do love this country. 

    So be careful out there people. When Granny gets paid, everyone is in danger.