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August, 2011

  1. Some Assembly Required

    August 27, 2011 by C.

    I recently moved my bed around so that it would free up a vent and keep my bedroom a little cooler. The wall I moved the bed to is hardly wide enough for the bed. I had to move my nightstands out to the garage to store.

    I was flipping through a catalog one evening and saw these small tables that I thought would fit perfectly in the crowded space and work as a decent nightstand. I ordered two of them and they finally arrived on Friday.

    When I popped open the box I discovered that I had to put these together. I don’t remember reading that in the fine print or I never would have bought them. I don’t like to put things together at all. I have even gone so far to pay Wal-mart employees to sneak out to my car and put things together for me before I take them home. I have only had a couple of problems with this…I did get one employee fired. One of the micro-managers spotted James assembling a book shelf for me and came out screaming for some reason. I am sure James really didn’t like working at Wal-mart anyways…I mean who would.

    Another time I had Jose put together a desk for me. He got all finished up and looked at me and said, ” Ay lady, deese desk es not gonna feet in chur car.” Well hell. I managed to talk Jose into waiting with my desk in my parking spot while I went to borrow a truck. When I came back Jose was asleep on top of my desk. It is just so hard to find good help these days.

    After drinking an entire bottle of vodka, I managed to gather the courage to attempt putting these two tables together. I un-box the first one and get to work. The instructions had a little picture of all the parts with a letter next to them. A-H is what I had to deal with today. I prefer A-C max but the box was open and I needed some tables.

    I began putting the pieces together and was just about to get it finished when I realized I had put the legs on upside down. I am not an engineer people! Why do they make these damn things so hard to figure out??? So I had to take it all apart, flip the legs around and start screwing it back together. I got to the very last screw and realized it was just not turning for some reason. I pulled the table to my face and saw the genius that made this thing welded a piece of the medal lopsided. Lovely.

    After digging in the garage for half an hour looking for a hammer, I began to beat the hell out of this piece of  metal in hopes of bending it just enough to get the screw in. I began sweating like a cat in a Korean restaurant. Where is Jose when you need him???

    The top is a piece of fake wood and I get out the screws (also know as F) and look at the diagram. Ok, I need to screw these tiny things into this piece of wood. There are no starter holes. I flipped the fake wood over. No starter holes on that side. The profanities I began to scream even scared me a little. I dug around in the garage for another half hour for a drill.

    Top was screwed on and my last step was to screw in these little rubber screws for the bottom of the table. One of them was missing. I tore the box open digging frantically screaming, “Oh no you didn’t!!!!” So now my table rocks. Next thing I know I had picked up the screwdriver and hurled it towards the TV. Yep, it went in. So now I have a TV with a screwdriver hanging out of it.

    That was it. I picked up the finished table and the second box full of more torture and disposed of them in my trash bin.

    I was just not made to put things together. I now want to hurt people…maybe even cute puppies. There has to be an easier way besides marrying some damn man to do this crap.

    Eureka!

    Flipping through the phone book I quickly spot “Male Escorts” and dial the number. Hey, they get $200 an hour and have to do whatever I say. What could be better than watching a hottie put together my tables?


  2. Play Games and Feed Starving People

    August 26, 2011 by C.

    Are you good at trivia?? You can turn your skills into grains of rice to help feed starving people all over the world. For every question you answer correctly, they donate 10 grains of rice. How cool is that?

    So stop your Facebook farming, Words With Friends and Angry Bird playing for 30 minutes and go help someone in need.

    http://www.freerice.com/


  3. Woman Placed on No Fly List By Her Husband

    August 20, 2011 by C.

    An immigration officer in Britain placed his wife on a “no fly” list after she left the country to go visit her family. He used his security clearance to put her on a list that would not allow her to fly into Britain because her presence in the country is “not conducive to the public good.” For three long years this woman was stuck in Pakistan with her family. Three years! I have heard of people in marriages needing some alone time but this takes the cake.

    The discovery was not made until the man was up for a promotion and while doing some background checks they discovered his wife on the no fly list and questioned him about it. He confessed and was fired immediately.

    I can only imagine the phone calls for these three years…

    “Honey, I tried to fly home AGAIN and they sent me away. Can you please talk to someone at your job and find out what is going on? I just want to come home. Mom is driving me freaking nuts and my sister’s kids are the spawn of Satan!”

    “Well love, I spoke to Fred yesterday and he was going to make a few calls but you know how unreliable Fred is…I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. Say hello to your mum for me!” Click.

    I am sure this woman came home to a house with pizza boxes stacked to the ceiling, an Egyptian pyramid constructed from beer cans and chewing tobacco and a porn collection that would even make David Duchovny jealous. Or even worse…he has started a whole new family. Moved in a trashy woman from the other side of town…and now the whole house is decorated in neon and leather.

    My guess is this couple has divorced by now. Maybe that is how he should have handled it from the beginning. I think she might be far less upset about a divorce than she would be finding out he had locked her out of her country for three years. I am no Dr. Phil…but I think I might be right about that.

    I did get a great idea from this story. The next time Paris Hilton or the cast from “The Jersey Shore” leave the country, let’s lock them out for three years. I don’t know about you but I am sure there is another country in the world that needs a Snooki.


  4. "I’ll Have What She’s Having"

    August 15, 2011 by C.

    Qantas Airlines is now offering a variation on the typical in-flight entertainment. Instead of watching Russell Brand flounder as “Arthur” you can watch something much more exciting. “The Female Orgasm Explained” is a documentary intended for mature travelers on the airline. I am not sure exactly how they define “mature” because I know if I were watching it I would be giggling worse than any 13-year-old.

    This might be a little awkward with passengers that do not know each other. Usually when I have to travel for work I get stuck next to the weird guys. The ones that make you wonder where they got the money for a plane ticket in the first place. I cannot imagine anything worse than being trapped on a flight next to one of these guys while they are watching this movie. With my luck Mr. Goober would finish the movie, look over at me and say, “Hey babe, I learned some new stuff on that movie…can I practice on you?”
    Yuck.

    Book now if you would like to experience in-flight sex education…Qantas stops showing the documentary in November.


  5. Move Over David Sedaris…I Have a New Idol

    August 10, 2011 by C.

    I have taken many writing classes over the past few years. One professor constantly preached to us…”Read what you want to write.” To so many that seemed pretty simple but to me it was a nightmare. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write comedy skits along the lines of what you see on “Saturday Night Live” or sitcoms or a book. I decided when taking the classes I would like to write like David Sedaris. I want to make people laugh.

    In writing for my blog I mainly write about crazy news stories I have found on the internet and then share my opinion on their stupidity. It is certainly entertaining every day just to go through a few headlines. People these days are just plain nuts. This is not the kind of writing David Sedaris does but it does on occasion make people laugh.

    One day a friend of mine (thank you Cindy!) sent me a newspaper clipping by a woman named Celia Rivenbark. I could not stop laughing. There was an e-mail address for the author at the end of the article so I wrote her to tell her how much I enjoyed it. She wrote me back and I wrote her back and so on and so forth. She even went and looked at my blog. Here is what she wrote back, “Some mighty good stuff in there. Keep at it!” She told me about her website and I was surprised to see that she has written five books. I immediately bought all of them. After about the first three stories a light bulb went off. This is how I want to write! This is what I want to be when I grow up! I am motivated, I have a direction now and I know that I would be happy writing stories like this and making people laugh. My encounter with Celia has lit a fire under my britches.

    Celia has a new book coming out August 16th. “You Don’t Sweat Much For a Fat Girl”. If you don’t buy this book, buy one of her older ones. I promise you will not regret it.


  6. My Last Day Being In My 30’s

    August 3, 2011 by C.

    Well, this is it. My last day of being in my 30’s. I am expecting a loud gong to go off at midnight tonight to ring in 40 and when I wake up in the morning both of my knees will need to be replaced. I thought this morning if this is going to be the last day I feel young, I need to get a few things done before midnight. Here is how my day was spent:

    6:25am-alarm goes off. This will be the latest I will be able to sleep for the rest of my life. 4am here I come!

    7:20am-getting dressed for work. Had to put my thong on one last time. Starting tomorrow I will be buying Granny panties at Sears.

    7:45am- driving to work…I actually drove the speed limit! All those kids in their souped up Kia Rio’s passed me and flipped me off. I was going to memorize their plate numbers and turn them in for reckless driving but I couldn’t remember the numbers by the time I got to work.

    8:30am-Made appointment with plastic surgeon for boob job, lipo and face lift.

    10:20am-someone at work made me laugh so hard I was crying. Won’t be long now I will be laughing and peeing my pants. Might as well stock up on the Depends now.

    12:00pm- met with my financial advisor. He advised if I do not start saving $1200 per month from now until retirement I will wind up like one of the homeless folks that hang out at public libraries all day long. He also advised I might want to go ahead and pick up a shopping cart because chances are I will need it.

    1:30pm-Made appointment for mammogram. Nothing says you are getting older more than having your boobies crushed and mangled by an overly perky 20-something-year old woman.

    3:15pm-ordered a case of Ginko Biloba from Drugstore.com. It might come in handy one day so I can remember where I hid the half-eaten Snickers I found in the trash at the library. Them’s good eatin’s!

    5:00pm-Since my Ginko isn’t here yet, I am planning to have selective memory tomorrow and simply forget to go to work. Show back up in a couple of days. “What?? I swear when I left work it was Friday. I had a GREAT weekend, how about you guys?” Getting old might have a few benefits.

    6:00pm-watched the news. I haven’t watched the news since I was 10 and praying for snow days. Fell asleep before the weather. It is already happening people!

    6:30pm-went out for a Mexican dinner. I won’t be eating much Mexican anymore. The acid reflux will keep me up all night long and the beans will cause me to have gas. I think I am farting but something else slips out instead. Can you say Holy Guacamole??

    8:15pm-reading a book for the last time without glasses. Don’t worry…I already made my appointment with the optometrist a week ago.

    9:30pm-I am pooped, headed to bed. Good-bye my 30’s, I will miss you.