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September, 2011

  1. Customer Service Fail

    September 30, 2011 by C.

    I work in customer service. I understand this sign completely. You know the customer is always right but sometimes I would just like to say this to someone who is less than pleasant to deal with. 
    *Photo courtesy of Failblog.org*

  2. 5 Reasons You Should Be Watching "The X Factor"

    September 28, 2011 by C.

    1. Simon. He really was the best part of “American Idol” and I have missed him. Many think he is cruel but would you rather someone that sucks to continue pursuing something that will never happen or move on and discover some other talent they have and can actually excel at??? Simon speaks the truth…with a British accent which makes it even easier to listen to.

    2. $5 Million Dollars. That is what the winner of this contest will receive. That would buy a lot of pizza and beer folks. The person that wins this will be a mega-star. This money will not be given to some one-hit-wonder. This person will be special. I can’t wait to see who wins this thing.

    3. L.A. Reid. This dude is the real deal. Randy Jackson is a has been bass player who has used that ” Yo yo dawg” crap more than Paula Abdul has used pain killers. Reid however, has signed Pink, Mariah Carey, Rihanna, Usher, Kayne West and that Bieber guy. He IS the music business. He KNOWS talent.

    4. Paula Abdul. I am sorry but she and Simon just go together. They fight, he makes fun of her and then she takes some pain killers and becomes so much more entertaining to watch. She also is a horny old broad. Watch when a good looking guy comes up there. Her tongue practically falls out of her mouth onto the table.

    5. The stories. Simon has opened up the age limits and you get to see some amazing stories. Homeless people looking for a second chance, families that have nothing but their hope of seeing their kid make it big and the one that always gets me…people that just do not know how good they are. It is wonderful to see the shock on their faces when the live audience goes nuts for them. I just got goosebumps typing that. This is really why I watch…for the stories.

    So tune in Wednesday and Thursday nights on FOX. You won’t be disappointed.


  3. Craigslist Mondays

    September 27, 2011 by C.

    I thought I would try something different once a week. Every Monday I will share with you something funny I have found that has been posted on Craigslist. Enjoy!

    Reply to: pers-1007823@craigslist.org [?]
    Date: 2009-01-25, 8:53PM PST

    We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

    I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

    At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

    I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

    What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

    I await your call,
    Tad

    P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…


  4. Crashing Satellites is the Least of Your Worries

    September 20, 2011 by C.

    Those fun guys at NASA have reported that a giant satellite will come crashing into Earth one day this week. By their best guestimations it will hit Thursday, Friday or Saturday. I thought rocket scientists were supposed to be smart?? Can’t you guys narrow that down a bit more for us? I may just have to call up Miss Cleo and ask what she sees in her crystal ball.
    They estimate about 26 pieces will survive reentry and crash to the Earth, the largest chunk weighing right around 300 pounds. Yep, that will leave a mark. NASA says they will try to get a more accurate calculation the closer it gets to Earth to narrow down where the pieces will land. The chances of a person on Earth getting hit is 1 in 3200. Um, when you think about it that is a pretty good chance.  Or so I thought.
    While researching the odds of dying in the US I became very shocked that I had managed to live this long. I thought I would share a few with you.
    Dying in a car accident… 1 in 100
    Chances of dying by falling down… 1 in 246
    Chances of dying of assault from firearm…1 in 325 *ordered up a bulletproof vest from Amazon.com*
    Chances of dying of a fire or smoke…1 in 1,116. *I suppose I need to climb my big butt up on a ladder and change the batteries out on my smoke detectors. The odds of dying due to falling off a ladder only 1 in 10, 010*
    Fatally slipping in a bath or shower…1 in 2232 *I will no longer be bathing…just FYI you might wanna stay clear*
    When I first heard the news of the crashing satellite I was going to start to prepare for impact…find my football helmet, start building a fort in my crawl space and doubling up on my homeowners insurance but now I am not so worried. What a relief! Now I am in a great mood and want to share a few fun odds with you.
    Chances you will date a supermodel…1 in 88,000
    Odds of dating a millionaire… 1 in 215
    Odds of finding out your child is a genius…1 in 250
    Last but not least…my personal favorite…Odds of writing a New York Times Bestseller…1 in 220.

  5. The Perfect Football Dip

    September 18, 2011 by C.

    I rarely share recipes on my blog so you know this has to be pretty darn yummy. I made this today to snack on while watching my Tennessee Vols get whipped by the Florida Gators yet again. There’s always next year!

    There is just something about a dip served warm that I love. This one you pop right out of the oven and start dipping some chips in. Try this out the next time you have a few guys around watching football.

    Yield: Serves 6-8
    Prep Time: 5 minutes
    Cook Time: 35 minutes
    Total Time: 40 minutes

    ingredients:

    1 (8 oz) block of Cream Cheese, softened
    1 (15.5 oz) Can of Bushes Chili Starter Beans-I used half a can of refried beans and half of a can of these mixed.
    1 Jar of Salsa (8-12 oz)
    1- 1 1/2 Cups Grated Cheese of Choice (Cheddar, Colby Jack, etc…)

    directions:

    Preheat oven to 350º. Spray a 9 inch pie plate (or any equal sized oven safe dish) with Non-Stick Cooking Spray. Spread the cream cheese evenly in the bottom of the dish. Next, using the lid of the can, gently drain of the liquid from the beans (do not rinse), and then evenly spread on top of the cream cheese. Pour salsa on top of the beans, using just enough to cover them (about 8-10 oz).
    Place into preheated oven and bake for 30 minutes until the edges begin to bubble. Remove from oven, add the shredded cheese (enough to cover the salsa). Place back into oven just long enough to melt the cheese (about 5-8 more minutes). Remove from oven and serve with Tortilla Chips.

  6. Where’s a Zombie When You Need One?

    September 14, 2011 by C.

    Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, of St. Petersburg, FL attacked a homeless man while he slept on the porch of a deserted Hooters Restaurant.
    This would be a fairly common news story except for the fact that Josephine is a self-proclaimed vampire. (How does this self-proclaiming stuff work? I hereby self-proclaim myself to be a successful writer). 
    Poor Milton Ellis, 69, had fallen asleep only to later wake to find Josephine (can you tell I am digging her name?) on top of him. Not like that…get your minds out of the gutter people!
    “Ellis claims that she attacked him, started yelling that she was a vampire, that she was going to eat him and started biting him on his face and body,” stated police spokesman Mike Puetz. 
    Mr. Ellis hopped into his motorized wheelchair and scooted off to a nearby Shell station to call the cops. He was sporting some wicked bite marks on his neck and face. When did vampires starting biting people on the face??
    Josephine was found half-naked on the Hooters porch. She said she remembered nothing about the attack. 
    Ellis was taken to the hospital and received a bazillion stitches. Josephine was arrested and charged with battery on an elderly person. 
    I know vampires are considered to be cool right now but why not werewolves or zombies? Why aren’t there people out there posing as a werewolf from Jacob’s pack? He was in that “Twilight” movie too. It’s always all about Edward. Geez. 
    I pray that this is the last vampire attack story I read for a while. Bring on the zombie attacks!

  7. Fat, Sick and Nearly Arrested

    September 5, 2011 by C.

    A few months ago I watched the documentary, “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.” What an eye-opener it was. Basically a man has nothing but vegetable and fruit juice for 60 days. He even carries a juicer in the back of his car so he can juice wherever he is. In 60 days he lost 82 pounds.

    After watching the documentary, I obtained a juicer and some recipes. But then of course the excuses started.

    “You should not start a diet two days before your birthday. Birthday cake is entirely too important to me.”

    “This is going to cost me a fortune.”

    “No way in hell a little cup of juice is going to replace my meals of pizza, Cokes and candy bars. Sounds like starvation!”

    Yesterday I decided no more excuses. No one should feel so crappy at age forty. After a quick trip to the farmer’s market it was time to do some juicing.

    The best part of this whole deal is shoving the vegetables and fruits into the grinder. The noise sounds like an arm being sawed off …pretty sure the neighbors were beginning to think they were living next door to a serial killer.

    “Yes ser officer, she rarely comes outta da house. Not even on da 4th of July ta watch us shoot Bottle Rockets at passin’ cars. She’s really weird. Betcha money shes a choppin’ up a homeless person ova der.”

    Won’t they be shocked the next time I come out of the house looking like a supermodel???

    OK, back to juicing. The recipe is called, “Stomach Filler.” After processing the veggies for this recipe I am thinking it might possibly fill the stomach of a squirrel, but not mine. It is a green color only found in some jars of baby food and Kleenex during a nasty sinus infection. The cup measured approximately 6oz of juice. There is not 6oz of any food that could leave me feeling full. Oh well, bottoms up.

    Well, I have tried to find a delicate way to put this…but there is just not a way. This stuff tasted like ass. Wincing with every swallow, it was finally all gone. This was not the worst part…oh no, the worst part was about 10 minutes later, my breath tastes like ass and makes me want to vomit. The rest of the day was spent burping up cucumbers. Yummy!

    I am not sure how this is possible but…I felt FULL. Really full. Now if I can just find a way to make it stop tasting so nasty this just might work. Adding half a gallon of vanilla ice cream might do the trick.

    Another negative came as I started disassembling the juicer to clean it. Putting furniture together is a walk in the park compared to this. So many pieces and parts and veggie junk stuck all over it. Cleaning this thing is a workout and much more exercise than I have had in a month. There is no way I cannot lose weight doing this!

    You should watch this documentary sometime. It is really amazing how quickly you can see a difference in the people that try juicing for even just 10 days. Besides, I don’t want to be the only person walking around with ass breath.