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November, 2011

  1. Craigslist Monday

    November 28, 2011 by C.

    I only took two lessons. I swear!

  2. 10 Tips For Total Domination on Black Friday

    November 23, 2011 by C.

    Tips for Black Friday Total Domination

    I have been out fighting the crowds on Black Friday every
    year since 2005. I get what I want, period. Follow these tips and you will
    totally dominate your fellow Wal-mart shoppers. 

    1.     Buy a newspaper Thanksgiving morning and check
    out what you want to buy instead of just showing up at Wal-mart to go see
    what’s going on. You can’t see crap. It is an angry mob times a million. You
    will be lucky if you don’t have a black eye and massive amounts of hair missing
    by the time you get out of there. 

    2.       Make a list of what stores you need to hit, what times
    they open and what you want from that particular store. 

    3.       Do not get a shopping cart. There is no room to push it
    down the aisles. It will just slow you down and piss me off when you keep
    hitting my butt with it over and over and over. 

    4.       Bring a partner, but do not bring your kids. I see this
    every year. The kid will start crying and want to go home. Your child will be in therapy for years because you just had to have the kid go to Black Friday with you. Do us all a favor
    and leave the kid at home with Dad. Can’t locate the baby daddy or Justin Bieber is your baby daddy? Then leave the kid with some other relative.

    5.       Have a map of the store. Most of the major stores will
    have these available online to make navigating on the big day much easier.  

    6.       Communicate with your partner via walkie-talkie. You
    need to hit the registers at about the same time and also check off things on
    your lists as you accumulate them. Yes, I know you have a cell phone and text
    messaging and apps and all that jazz but you cannot hear your phone in the
    store and you cannot just stop and text a message to someone. You will be
    shoved out of the way. Get walkie-talkies. Get on the same channel and crank
    the volume. 

    7.       Dress appropriately. Do not wear your winter coat no
    matter how cold it is outside. You will burn up in the store and you need both arms to
    carry all your bargains.

    8.       Bring snacks. You need a bottle of water in the car to soothe your sore throat after screaming at so many people. It is also good to have something like peanut butter and crackers to chow on. This kind of shopping works up an appetite and you won’t get to have breakfast
    until around 9am.  

    9.       If you want to have some fun, grab 2 of something that
    is really hot…like this year there will be $49 Blu-ray players at Wal-mart.
    Keep one for yourself and just set one up by where you are checking out and
    walk away. Watch people fight over it from a distance. Good times. 

    10.   Go to the bathroom before you leave the house. You will
    not be able to go again until you drag into Cracker Barrel for your victory
    breakfast. I suppose you could always go on the parking lot if you are into that sort of thing. Who am I to judge, right?

  3. Craigslist Monday

    November 21, 2011 by C.

    I think the car ads are becoming my favorite…enjoy! 

    STOP Waiting for Grandma to Die! 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra

    Date: 2010-10-02, 12:12AM EDT

    STOP Waiting for your Grandma to die so you can have her car! Buy this one and have a real old-lady car of your own. Let’s go over some of the details about this fine auto, which STARTS, RUNS, and DRIVES.

    *1987 Cutlass Sierra

    * 30,248 Original MILES. I know you’ve heard it a million times, but this car has really only been driven to church and the grocery store, and the cemetery– Old people LOVE to go to the cemetery. It is believed that this car traveled as far as West Seneca for a funeral once.

    *As an old lady car, this Olds had the privilege of getting ROUTINE MAINTENANCE. Most recently the car got new tires (whitewalls out of course!) and a new battery. The new tires could possibly have 1000 miles on them, which means that they are pretty new. It’s also up to date on its inspections, shots and vaccines.

    *The body is in DECENT SHAPE for a car that has lived through 23 Buffalo winters. The color is Navy Blue. There is rust at all of the wheel wells; some worse than others. There are some BATTLE SCARS on the body from lost fights with a white vinyl sided home, mostly on the passenger side.

    *Grandma is NOT A SMOKER, and had no friends that smoked. Lets be honest here, most of her friends are dead anyways, which brings me to my next point:

    *The passenger seat and back bench seat are virtually untouched. I sat in the back seat once or twice, probably for a trip to the cemetery.

    *The trunk is large enough for at least two bodies. Dark Body color is good for late night trips to Niagara River.

    *This vehicle comes with a 100% working AM RADIO, and a motorized (working) antenna. Don’t forget to lower your antenna for Delta Sonic!

    *FREE SNOWBRUSH WITH PURCHASE. AND if it seals the deal, a vintage Buffalo Bisons sunshade for the windshield.

    **Nitty Gritty Stuff**
    We will accept CASH ONLY. We are accepting other offers for this car.

    • Location: Buffalo (Elmwood)
    • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

  4. The Home Shopping Network and Blueberry Cheese

    November 18, 2011 by C.

    My mom has been stuck in a hospital or at home since October 12th. No driving, no walks…just stuck. She had knee replacement surgery and a complication has set her back a little longer than she had expected. A big day for her is being driven to a doctor’s appointment and then a trip through McDonald’s drive-thru for a strawberry milkshake. This happens once every 2-3 weeks.
    Now, if you or I were stuck at home we would probably play on Facebook or watch Netflix movies all day long but she doesn’t even own a computer (“I don’t want to get a virus or have one of those hacker people steal my identity”). So she watches TV and especially loves The Home Shopping Network.
    I came home Tuesday and picked up her mail. I had not checked it since Saturday. When I opened the box it was full of catalogs and two keys for the larger package boxes on the end. I took the keys and opened them up to see they were completely full! It took me three trips to get her mail into my car. I took it in to her later that night and dumped it beside her recliner. She said she had been shopping for Christmas gifts since she cannot get out. That is understandable and keeps me out of the stores doing it for her, so more power to her.
    A little later she called me and asked me how long it had been since I had checked her mail. I said Saturday was the last time I went out to get it. Here is how the conversation went from there…
    “Well, obviously you are trying to poison me,” she said.
    “Excuse me? What are you talking about?” I asked.
    “There was a package of blueberry cheddar cheese (I am sorry but that sounds nasty) and liverwurst in one of those packages. I am going to die of food poisoning when I eat them. You should have brought them in right away. It was 70 degrees yesterday!” she said.
    I said slowly, “Mom, if there was a chance the food would go bad during transport it would have been packed in dry ice or something and over-nighted…not shipped to you via the post office.”
    “Whatever. You are trying to poison me. I was really excited about my liverwurst too. Do you know how hard it is to get good liverwurst now? The tornado destroyed the only grocery store in town that carried it,” she said.
    Yep, that is what I miss most since the tornado wiped out a third of our town…the liverwurst grocery store.
    Again, I tried to assure her that if it was something that would spoil that quickly it would have been shipped FedEx or UPS overnight on dry ice.
    She just kept arguing. I was laughing so hard I was crying. When I could finally speak again I recommended she call the company to see if in fact she would die after eating what they shipped her and also to tell them they should have packed it in dry ice or something. But of course, she would hear none of this. It was MY fault for leaving it in the mailbox for two days. Whatever.
    So last night, I go to check on her and a large package was dropped on her front porch. She asked me to drag it in and set it in front of her chair. It was a giant purse from of course, the Home Shopping Network. I just shook my head and started to leave.
    “Wait! I want to show you the outfit I got to go with the purse,” she said.
    I grabbed her remote control and quickly child blocked all the shopping networks I could find. She can barely get the satellite turned on so I knew she would never figure out how to unlock them. I gave her the remote back and went home. I keep waiting for a phone call from her in a panic because she cannot find the HSN channel anymore.
    “I am sure one of those hackers broke into my satellite and stole it from me!” she would say. “Probably out charging up all my credit cards as we speak.”
    Please Lord, when I am her age, allow me to understand technology a little better and know that blueberries don’t belong in cheese. 

  5. What Is This Commercial About?

    November 15, 2011 by C.

    I just don’t get it. I change the channel whenever it comes on now.

  6. Craigslist Monday

    November 14, 2011 by C.

    Man, wish I had seen this ad. I LOVE making kids cry!

  7. 11/11/11 Mania

    November 11, 2011 by C.

    11/11/11 is tomorrow and there is so much speculation as to what it means or what will happen. There has even been a horror movie made about the date. I have done some research and I am pretty certain nothing will happen tomorrow except you will feel really cool when you write that date down on your paperwork.
    Some say that a portal will open up. A portal to where I am not sure. I am hoping it is a portal to Narnia or Smurf Village. How cool would that be?
    So many couples will be getting married tomorrow because they feel it will be a lucky date for them. Well, that isn’t true either. If you want some luck at your marriage you need a “2” or “4” in the date according to experts. Or marry a Kardashian, get divorced in 72 days and collect millions. That would be pretty lucky.
    This date won’t come up for another one hundred years so we really should do something to celebrate shouldn’t we? I am voting for drinking on the job as a suitable celebration tomorrow. I will be popping open the champagne bottle at exactly 11:11 am on 11/11/11. Maybe Milty (da boss) will join me or maybe he will suggest I get my drink on elsewhere like the unemployment line.
    “11” is a special number. Doreen Virtue’s book, “Angel Numbers” states that “11” is a master number. This translates into your thoughts being lined up with the universe and they create your reality. One more time…your thoughts create your reality. Can you imagine what kind of day it will be on Friday? Imagine your child thinking, “Hmmm, I think I will quit school today and live in my parent’s basement forever.”  This, my friends could be dangerous.
    So tonight I will light some candles, burn some incense, pop in a Yanni cd and focus on what I want.  All the websites are suggesting that you chant these things, write them down several times or meditate about them. I will write them down now and chant them tomorrow.
    Here we go…Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna…OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (I think this is how you chant while meditating and since I think it is it is).
    Universe, I am open to becoming skinny but being able to eat lots of ice cream and not gain a pound.
    Universe, I need to date Adam Lambert. So make a few uh…changes so that he is interested in me.
    Universe, I will have nose twitch powers like Samantha on “Bewitched” because cleaning house sucks and I would like to put a spell on Paula Deen to make her think she is my personal chef forever.
    Universe, I want to write a book that is so successful I never have to go to an 8-5 job again. Money will never be an issue and the most stress I will have in my life is deciding which pool boy will come fan me while I lay out.
    Hopefully the universe will take care of all of that for me tomorrow. But just in case I think I will buy 11 Powerball tickets. It’s always good to have a backup plan. 

  8. Craigslist Monday

    November 8, 2011 by C.

    I love Craigslist. You can get a great price on some stuff and it is just so darn entertaining. Check out this ad. 

    NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra – $12900 (Ronan / Lake County )


    Reply to: [?]

    Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST

    OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

    It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

    This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

    No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

    It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

    My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

    There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

    Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

    To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

    Rock on.

  9. For Your Viewing Pleasure

    November 6, 2011 by C.

  10. I Am "Forever Lazy"

    November 5, 2011 by C.

    I was lying on my couch last week during my vacation. Most of my vacation time was used to catch up on my very full DVR. I would wake up around 10 am, move from the bed to the couch and flop for the day binging on taco flavored Doritos and Moon pies. Ah, this was the life. The morning marathon of “Three’s Company” was interrupted by a commercial for a product called, “Forever Lazy”. I slowly sat up and wiped the taco flavoring off my face. Could this be for real? It was too good to be true.
    “Forever Lazy” is basically an adult-size onesie. The “Snuggie” only wishes it were half this cool. The commercial showed the benefits of the onesie such as no need to turn the heat up in your house on those cold nights…just slip on your “Forever Lazy”. Your hands and feet are free so you can do things like read and get a pedicure. But the best part…they are made with front and back zippered hatches for “great escapes when duty calls”. OMG where is my damn cell phone????
    Sheila was very professional when I called. She told me they were offering “Forever Lazy” as a buy one get one free deal.
    “No! SHUT UP!” I squealed.
    “Yes, not only that but we are going to throw in two pair of matching Footies so your feet stay warm too,” Sheila gushed (she could tell I was the type of person that was going to order one of these for every single person I have ever known…big bonus for Sheila!).
    I debated between what two colors to get and after taking up ten minutes of Sheila’s time I decided on “Asleep on the Job Gray” and “Hanky Pinky Fuchsia”.
    “Sheila, I only have two days of vacation left. I need them STAT! Please overnight them to me,” I begged.
    “Ms. Bissinger, we are going to send you the two pair of lazies and footies for $29.95. I can rush ship them for another $75.” Will that be on your Mastercard or Visa?” she asked.
    “VISA Sheila, VISA! Now listen, are you going to get in trouble for giving me all of this product for only $29.95?? I don’t want to cause problems for you.”
    Sheila giggled and said, “No, Ms. Bissinger. Everyone that calls gets this deal.”
    Well, she just blew getting a tip. Witch.
    The next day was spent pacing in front of the door like a dog waiting to be let out to go chase the squirrel he had heard outside. A large truck braked in front of my house and hurled myself from the front step and ran to the UPS truck.
    “Gimme gimme gimme!” I screamed. I signed his magic box, threw it back at him and dashed in the house.
    There were no instructions with them. Do you keep your underwear on??? Nah, why else would there be the escape hatches.
    Ohhhhh I was so warm and comfy. I got very emotional. “God Bless you “Forever Lazy” company, snooty Sheila and UPS dude. God Bless you all!”
    I lived in these things for the rest of my vacation. Several trips to Wal-mart were made in my onesie (you will probably see me soon on that website “The People of Wal-mart…sorry Mom).
    Monday rolled around and it was time for me to go back to work. I was going to have to put on real clothes. I just couldn’t do it.
    *Cough cough cough* “Milty, this is Chanin and I have um, shingles *cough hack cough* and uh…tuberculosis and I won’t be able to make it into work today. Sorry!” Don’t you just love getting voicemail?
    Lord, this writing stuff has to pay off soon so I can work from home and spend my weeks, months and years in these things.
    Guess what you are all getting for Christmas this year?

  11. Fall Back or Move

    November 3, 2011 by C.

    Well it is that time again…Daylight savings time. The good news is this time we get to “fall back” an hour. Springing forward is a bitch.
    I realized I didn’t know that much about this not so lovely occurrence that comes upon us twice a year so I thought I would do some research. Hopefully, I am not the only person in the world that thought God set this up to punish us for buying Starbucks in mass quantities and for paying attention to the Kardashians.
    The History:
    Ben Franklin came up with the idea for Daylight savings time back in 1784. Obviously, the whole key and lightening thing fried his brain up a bit too much.
    Ben never really got it going but George Vernon Hudson started the discussion up again in 1895. Ok, seriously didn’t these people have better things to do like inventing a car or TV?
    William Willett is mainly credited for starting Daylight savings time in 1905. He was an English builder that liked the extra hour of sunlight so he could get his drink on and fondle sheep (don’t quote me on that…just something I saw on TMZ). We officially started observing DST in 1918. Yipppeee!
    There are many pros and cons out there regarding DST. Some say we save energy due to less artificial light being used. It is said that it reduces road accidents and injuries and gives children more social time in the evenings. Social time? I guess if you count playing “Halo” on Xbox 360 with online buddy “StraightUpLazy” as social time that would be correct.
    I did find a few interesting statistics on the subject. Men are most likely to commit suicide during the first few weeks of DST than any other time. Also, serious heart attacks jump up 6-10% in the 1st three workdays of DST. Now, I am not a scientist but I know one so I feel qualified to share the reason the heart attack thing happens. Every single time we go through this there is one clock in your house that you miss setting with the correct time. You are getting ready for work and glance at that clock and think you are an hour late and WHAM…massive heart attack. DST is obviously very dangerous. 
    If you are not a fan of DST you can always move. It is not observed in Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam and parts of Arizona. Is it really worth moving though? All the packing, taping boxes and losing precious belongings can be overwhelming. The last time I moved I could not find my FryDaddy for 6 months. I had to bake my fish sticks! Who does that???
    So, don’t forget to push those clocks back an hour this Sunday. You get a whole extra hour that day. What in the world will you do with all that extra time? I know I will spend mine watching reruns of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”. 

  12. Craigslist Monday

    November 1, 2011 by C.

    Do it yourself taxidermy. I think I would pass. Hamsters down the toilet works fine for me.