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December, 2011

  1. Tornado Blues

    December 28, 2011 by C.

    I have been a little down this holiday season. This happens to many people over the holidays due to family dysfunction, lack of a special someone, loss of a loved one or just sick of all the shopping/wrapping/shipping that goes on during this time of the year. But my melancholy mood is a little different.
    Living in Joplin, MO I know I have so much to be thankful for. My house wasn’t touched by the tornado, my work only had power loss for a few days and I personally did not know anyone that was killed by the storm. But my mind cannot stop thinking about those who were not so fortunate.
    I know that things can be replaced but I keep thinking about special Christmas ornaments their children might have made, a recipe from Grandma that cannot be recreated from memory and personal photos. Those are things that can never be replaced. Or maybe a loved one was killed by the storm. Maybe the house that many generations of family grew up in was destroyed. Many are spending their holidays in FEMA trailers, knowing in the back of their mind that this housing is only temporary and worrying about where they will go once the trailers are taken away. My biggest worry this holiday season was receiving the gifts on time that I had ordered online. It doesn’t hold a candle to what the tornado survivors are going through.
    Someone recently asked me how do I cope with living here now…it is so depressing and filled with large empty spaces that once were neighborhoods. I guess I don’t see it that way. I see that in seven months most of the businesses that were destroyed have re-built or moved into a new property. Houses are popping up in all those empty spaces…brand new houses that offer a family a new beginning. Progress is being made in leaps and bounds. Seven months ago when there was debris piled high on the sides of the streets, everything seemed so overwhelming. With most of that cleared off now it is like seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better…things will be back to normal sooner rather than later.
    A writing professor of mine said, “Always write what is on your heart.” When I sat down to write this evening it was not about the Joplin tornado but all the thoughts I had been having over the holidays kept jumping around in my mind so I knew that it should be put down on paper. I am not really sure what the point of all of it is other than to serve as a reminder of how many blessings I have…to try not to take simple things for granted and to have faith that things will only get better each and every day around here.
    “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” –Charlie Chaplin

  2. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want For Christmas…#1

    December 24, 2011 by C.

    I am all for homemade gifts. Really…a nice knitted scarf or hat would be a great gift for me. But these things are just hideous. I am seriously concerned about the person that created these slippers. However, it is a great idea for our Christmas gift exchange next year at work. 

    Merry Christmas everyone! 

  3. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want For Christmas…#2

    December 23, 2011 by C.

    The thought of looking at this twerp for the next 12 months makes me nauseous. Don’t you do it…

  4. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want For Christmas…#3

    December 22, 2011 by C.

    This is just damn creepy. If I ever get so lonely I order one of these, you have my permission to lock me up in the nearest crazy house. 

  5. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want For Christmas…#4

    December 21, 2011 by C.

    At first thought this might be a great gift for me because my feet are always cold. Where these cute socks go wrong is having toes. Having anything between my toes freaks me out. I cannot wear the flip-flops that go between the toes. 

    So if you are into giving socks as a gift, please make sure mine do not have toes please. 

  6. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want For Christmas…#5

    December 20, 2011 by C.

    If you know me, you know that I absolutely hate to work out. But this dvd would make it worse. I would rather chew on glass while having all my toenails removed than work out to this.

  7. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want for Christmas…#7

    December 18, 2011 by C.

    I see people driving around town with these on their cars or trucks or mini-vans. They are stupid looking. Get a clue people and whatever you do don’t give these to me for Christmas. 

  8. 10 Days of Things I Don’t Want for Christmas…#8

    December 17, 2011 by C.

    The Obama Chia Pet. I am not a big fan of Obama’s and I don’t think this would make me like him more. 

    Actually, I don’t want a Chia Pet. It wouldn’t matter if it was a dog or a turtle or Obama. Pretty much any gift that has to depend on me in order to live won’t survive. Save your money. 

  9. Things I Don’t Want For Christmas…#9

    December 17, 2011 by C.

    Poor Ralphie. If they had done the “A Christmas Story Reunion” movie I think we would have found out that Ralphie was in therapy for years because of this bunny suit. 

    I don’t want a bunny suit. Actually, if you can find one that fits me, I will wear it, but that my friends is mission impossible. 

  10. 10 Days of Things I Do Not Want For Christmas

    December 16, 2011 by C.

    Every year I seem to get something that just sucks for Christmas. So the next 10 days I will show a product a day that I do not want for Christmas in hopes of improving my chances of getting something decent. 

    #10: Nothing
    Really? How clever. People are actually making money selling this. Incredible. 

    The smart ass bastard that shows up with this gift for me will wind up with a fruitcake up his ass and a gallon of eggnog over his head. You have been warned. 

  11. Attention Wal-mart Shoppers…Meth on Aisle 7

    December 14, 2011 by C.

    Which way to the meth??
    A Wal-mart in Tulsa, Oklahoma had some excitement last Thursday. 
    Alisha Halfmoon was arrested for trying to make meth inside her local Wal-mart. Yea, you heard me.
    Security noticed that she had been in the store for six hours and alerted authorities due to her suspicious behavior in the back of the store. The police confronted Halfmoon just as she had finished mixing a bottle of sulfuric acid and some starter fluid.  
    It is just hard to believe that this woman was in there for six hours collecting all sorts of chemicals and not one of the customers reported her.
    Now, I can believe after spending six hours in a Wal-mart she was ready to cook up some meth. I hate going to Wal-mart. It is like being tortured each and every week when I go grocery shopping. Maybe doing meth would help make my shopping experience more pleasurable.
    The battle usually starts out on the parking lot for a space that isn’t ten miles from the door. Then I usually have someone grab the same cart I am going for and we have a tug of war for a minute, until the other person sees that “I will bite you” look in my eyes and lets go. Then I am run over by at least two people per visit either running into the back of my legs or hitting me head on because they turned the corner without looking first.
    The very worst part of Wal-mart shopping is trying to get a pound of shaved deli meat from those freaks that work in that department. They will ignore you for hours. You are invisible to them. I have found a couple of ways to remedy this. Pick up some produce and just start throwing it over the counter. I prefer to toss oranges but really any fruit will do. After a couple of incoming orange bombs they will usually acknowledge my existence and slice up some meat. If the fruit bombing doesn’t work, just hop up on top of their deli display case and start jumping up and down screaming, “Don’t make me come over there bitches!” Does the trick every time. Sometimes being escorted out of the store in handcuffs is so worth it.
    Oh, so back to Ms. Halfwit. Ahhhh, I mean Halfmoon.
    Here is what puzzles me about her situation. Is it a crime to try to make meth? She didn’t get it finished so she technically did not make it in the store. If it wasn’t made then she couldn’t use it or sell it, so what is the crime here? I could “try” to make meth using Lucky Charms, crayons and aspirin. Does that make me a criminal or just stupid? I rest my case.
    So watch out on your next trip to Wallyworld. You might just hear over the loudspeaker, “Meth cleanup on aisle 7 and police escort needed in deli STAT!” 

  12. Craigslist Monday

    December 12, 2011 by C.

    Does this actually work?? If so, I am willing to pay $3 for delivery of some Oreos and a bag of M&Ms.

  13. Forget Bieber Fever…I Have Tebow Fever

    December 7, 2011 by C.


    I have become obsessed with Tim Tebow. My love for Tebow is not just because he is a great football player though. It is more because he is a great person. And it doesn’t hurt he is freaking hot.
    Lately I have purchased Tebow t-shirts, jerseys and posters. I cannot get enough Tebow. Just this weekend I was “Tebowing” at the movie theater because the kid put just the right amount of butter on my popcorn. Hey, you have to thank God for that…nothing worse than not having enough butter on your popcorn. It just isn’t good unless you have to immediately leave the theater after your movie to have your arteries scrapped.
    You get the picture. I have a Tebow problem. The more I learn about him the more obsessed I become. So, I thought I would share a few Tebow facts with you all.
    1. Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines. His parents were working as missionaries. His mother had a life-threatening infection and doctors advised her to abort the baby in order to save her life. She refused.
    2. Tebow and his brothers and sisters were home-schooled by their Mom. Tim did not think the offense at the high school closest to their farm was right for him so Tim and his mom moved away from their farm and into an apartment to make Tim eligible to play for another high school more suitable to his talents. 
    3. Tebow was the first underclassman to win the Heisman Trophy.
    4. In the 2009 BCS Championship game, Tebow put John 3:16 on his eye paint for the game. 92 million people searched for that Bible verse during and shortly after the game.
    5. Tim co-wrote a book about his life growing up in the Philippines and then Jacksonville, Florida along with college football stories mixed in. The day after release it was already at #22 on bestsellers list.
    6. “Tebowing” has become a national phenomenon. Tebow received a tweet from a kid with cancer that was “Tebowing while chemoing” and Tim shared it on his Twitter page with a response of “How cool is that?”
    7. Tebow has been criticized about his style of play and his continuous expression of his Christian faith by just about everyone in the football world but when he responds he has nothing but kind words to say. After Jake Plummer ripped him for his public displays Tebow said, “I respect Jake’s opinion, and I really appreciate his compliment of calling me a winner,” he added. “But I feel like anytime I get the opportunity to give the Lord some praise, he is due for it.”
    8. He cannot put Bible verses on his eye paint anymore due to a rule the NFL has, so he tweets a verse right before the game.
    9. Tebow has started his “W15H” foundation that grants kids struggling with life-threatening illnesses an opportunity to meet him and hang out.
    10. Oh and he is building a hospital in the Philippines. Here is some info about it from his website.
    The Tebow CURE Hospital in Davao City will be a 30-bed surgical facility focusing primarily on orthopedics. The groundbreaking will be held in January 2012 and the hospital is expected to open in mid-2013.
     The construction project is expected to cost $3 million, with donors from CURE and the Tebow Foundation sharing the costs. About one-third of the children treated at the hospital are expected to be charity cases.
    The hospital will house a Timmy’s Playroom, which will provide faith, hope and love to children before and after their surgeries. It will be the Tim Tebow Foundation’s first international playroom.
    I personally find it refreshing to see an athlete like this. He doesn’t have tats from head to toe; he doesn’t seem to be playing for the money…he just loves football. Tebow gives back, he seems humble and grateful for the life he has. He hasn’t been in trouble for drug abuse, drunk driving or a crazy night in Vegas. This kid has his head screwed on straight. He wins football games. He gives 110% every moment he is out on the field.
    If you have a chance to watch Tebow play, I highly recommend you do. You too will contract Tebow fever. You just cannot help but like this guy.

    Oh and did I mention he is freaking hot???

  14. Craigslist Monday

    December 5, 2011 by C.

    Boy, this guy sounds like a great husband.

    Funny Craigslist Ad #91: Treadmill – $225 (Hawthorne)


    Treadmill for sale modle pro-form crosswalk 380 bought for my fat wife but she didnt walk on it even five times also got a ab lounge same thing she didnt either I wil sacrifice both for 225.00 price is really cheap if you
    want delivery available upon requst 10 miles radious for $ 25.00 around south bay gallaria both are lying in my garage only dust on them but they are in good working order call me 310 321 **** oir hit me a e mail

  15. Black Friday Romance…Slightly Better Than a $2 Waffle Maker

    December 1, 2011 by C.

    Aren’t they cute??
    So many negative stories about Black Friday…kind of sad really. I came across a Black Friday love story and just had to share. 
    Trevor MacDonald and Jesse Pierfelice met while standing in line on a Black Friday three years ago. They were lined up outside a Super Target on a rainy Black Friday night. Pierfelice was not so sure about MacDonald when her mom dropped her off to get in the line. 

    “He had this hoodie tied tight, and my mom dropped me off, and I was like, ‘You’re not leaving me here with this guy. He looks like a bum,'” Pierfelice said.

    They stood in line together for several hours chatting and Pierfelice learned that MacDonald was a college student and not the bum she thought he might be. The doors opened at 6 a.m. and they decided to exchange numbers. 
    After text messages and phone calls, they finally went out on a date. Two years later, MacDonald proposed.
    *give me a minute…gotta find the Kleenex box*

    Isn’t that sweet?? Forget the $2 waffle makers…he nabbed a wife.
    “Yes — the ultimate Black Friday present; I got a good deal,” MacDonald said. 
    I had a similar experience while waiting in line outside a Best Buy one night. “Rock Band” was being released at midnight and it was supposed to be the hottest gift that Christmas and I had to have one. Yes, I am a grown adult but sometimes I just gotta let my inner rock star out and this looked like just the way to do it instead of all the concerts I have given with my car windows rolled down while in traffic. I am so good that the homeless guy that would stand out in front of Wal-mart begging for money would actually throw the money he collected at my car. That folks, is when you know you have talent. 
    Anywho, I stood in line for almost two hours next to Bill. I read his name off his McDonald’s name tag that also had “fry guy” printed underneath his name. He asked me what time it was fifty times in those two hours. He told me once he really needed to piss. To which I responded, “Yea, I hate when that happens.” What can you say when someone tells you that??
    He said that he planned on pulling an all-nighter to stay up to play the game and asked if I would be doing the same. 
    “Um, no I have to work in the morning,” I said. 
    “Dude, that blows! That is why I love working at McDonald’s. They are so flexible with the scheduling so I am off for the next three days just to play this game,” he said. 
    I had to ask, “Bill, how do you work at McDonald’s and afford things like this?” 
    “I live in my parent’s basement, dude. It even has an outside entrance so I can sneak in the ladies without my parents finding out,” he said while winking at me. 
    Yes, I was being hit on by “the fry guy”.
    “How old are you, Bill?” I asked. 
    “38…I look pretty good for my age…I know…I hear it all the time. You should come over tonight and play “Rock Band” with me…maybe we can do some rockin’ in my bedroom,” he replied.


    And with that I walked away. The next 20 years of my life with fry guy flashed before my eyes and the only positive I could see was the possibility of a few free McDonald’s french fries. No video game in the world was worth a life with Bill the “fry guy”.