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January, 2012

  1. Ya’ll Stop Being Mean to Paula Deen

    January 31, 2012 by C.

    I had a dream last night that I was supposed to write a blog in defense of Paula Deen. I am clueless as to where this came from. I didn’t eat anything spicy or an abnormal amount of butter.
    As most of you know Paula came on the Today show last week and revealed that she has had diabetes for the past three years. Many feel that the reason she kept this a secret for the past few years was so she could make more money selling her products and cookbooks. Many of her fans are angry and feel betrayed. Seriously people, get a grip.
    Let’s start with the obvious. Is it really anyone’s business but hers that she has diabetes? No, it isn’t. Just because she is on TV doesn’t make her personal life an open book for all to read. She didn’t have to share this three years ago and she didn’t have to share it now.
    Now, if you are a Paula fan and have ever made any of her dishes you should know the shit is bad for you. I would hope that you have the common sense to not make three meals a day from a Paula cookbook. Paula’s food is like a special treat, only to be eaten in moderation. Paula doesn’t show up at your house, whip this stuff up and force-feed you. You make the choice of what you do and don’t eat. So everyone can stop with blaming her for the nation’s obesity epidemic.
    I will say it was a bit tacky of her to come out with this just as she signed a deal to endorse a diabetes drug. Through all of this I think this was her biggest mistake. It makes us feel like she is greedy. But aren’t we all a little greedy? I doubt many people would walk away from a large chunk of cash if in her shoes.
    Paula Deen is a product. She is a business and she is in the business to make money. If you owned a business I think you would do everything possible to make money at it. Take a look at Garth Brooks. Before he retired I read an article where he said his children’s grandchildren would never have to work if they didn’t want to because of all the money he has made. Yet, he went back out on a tour, released several albums at Wal-mart and now has a gig in Vegas. Does Garth need more money? No. But if there is demand for what you are selling, why not continue making money?
    I have occasionally watched “Weeds”. The main character is a drug-dealing mom. Does this mean I should start peddling drugs on street corners? No. “Dexter” is a serial killer that kills bad people. Does this give me the right to chop up my neighbor because he steals my newspapers? Nope.
    Bottom line, Paula Deen is an entertainer. Having the brains to know what you should and shouldn’t do is completely up to ya’ll. 

  2. QVC is Killing Me

    January 25, 2012 by C.

    I am worried about my mother. After a knee replacement surgery in October she has done nothing but shop on QVC and HSN. It is now January. She can walk perfectly fine now so there is no reason to stay propped up in a recliner shopping all day now, but that’s what’s going on.
    Every time I go to visit her she has QVC on. If there is a sale or something coming up that she wants to watch but is about to fall asleep, she will even record it! Who records QVC? My crazy mother, that’s who.
    The last few times I have been over there UPS has left a package on her porch and she needs me to haul it in for her. Then you have to sit and watch her open it (she insists you see her latest prize). I have seen clothing, winter coats, purses, bras and an 8 quart pot that is a find because they normally only come in 5.5 quarts. Why someone cooking for one would need an 8 quart pot is beyond me.
    For Christmas, she bought a friend of mine a gift on QVC. I knew it was something horrible when she tells my friend, “Now please do not take offense that I bought this for you. If it makes you feel any better, I bought one for myself too.” My eyeballs were popping out of my head when my friend un-wraps “Lindo Twist-N-Roll Facial Hair Removal Tweezers”. It is basically a giant spring that you roll over your face and it rips the hair off.
    “Oh my God, mom! Why the hell would you buy that for someone?” I yelled.
    “If you had ever had me some grandchildren you would need some of these too. Once you have kids you start growing hairs in the strangest places and in bunches,” she replied.
    When we left that night I must have apologized to my friend thirty times. “I am so sorry. Really, what an awful gift. I am pretty sure she is off her meds so please just forgive her. In another year or so I will probably have to move her into a home so I am just going to humor her until then.”
    “Chanin, this is my favorite Christmas present. I love it!” she said.
    I know someone else who must be off their meds. Lunatics I am dealing with.
    My mother’s latest obsession is Paula Deen’s (do not mention her name around my mother after the whole diabetes announcement or you will hear this, “Greedy, greedy whore!”) Ham Sausage. Yes, you read correctly…ham sausage. She has purchased a case of this crap and just randomly passes it out when she goes places.
    “I went to get my hair cut and colored today and gave my hair dresser two packages of ham sausage,” she told me.
    “I hope you didn’t consider that her tip. Most people prefer cash over sausage these days,” I replied.
    “Oh, you’re so funny. Why don’t you go blog about it?” she asked.
    Thank you. I just did. 

  3. Airline Travel: Not for the Faint of Heart

    January 21, 2012 by C.

    Last Friday, British Airways flight 206 traveling from Miami, FL to London accidentally announced over the speaker system that the plane was about to crash into the ocean. Apparently, they have this message pre-recorded (WHY?) and it just happened to play.

    A British Airways spokesperson told the newspaper: “The cabin crew canceled the announcement immediately and sought to reassure customers that the flight was operating normally. We apologize to customers for causing them undue concern.”

    Can you imagine waking from a deep sleep to hear this? It would be a miracle if I did not shit my pants immediately followed up by my heart exploding with a massive heart attack. If neither of those things occurred I think my first thought would be getting to a drink cart a.s.a.p. I have heard of people surviving car crashes that they shouldn’t have just because they were so drunk. I would have 5 mini-bottles shoved in my mouth with 5 more lined up for the next round.

    After I was good and buzzed, I would wander around the plane asking if anyone would like to join the “Mile High Club” with me. I do not have one ounce of wild in my body, but at that point why not go out with a bang…literally.

    You know there are always people on the plane that are so out of it they didn’t hear the announcement. I wonder if the crew went around gently shaking them, “Sir, excuse me sir…I just thought you would like to know we are all about to die. Pretzels?”

    I imagine the airline is going to have a few lawsuits brought against them for this one, if nothing else to reimburse for new pants and underwear for all the passengers. With this and the cruise ship disaster, I am just not sure I want to put my life in the hands of lunatics. All my future vacations will be road trips for sure.

  4. This Lunatic Reminds Me of Me

    January 20, 2012 by C.

    I have been know to take football a little too seriously at times. I am also horribly superstitious when it comes to my Steeler games. She is totally right, she should never have changed her nail polish and you have to wear the jersey that got you there. Honey, I feel your pain!

  5. I Freaking Love the Honey Badger

    January 18, 2012 by C.

  6. Woman Fired For Her Fake Penis

    January 15, 2012 by C.

    A Pennsylvania woman says she was fired from her job for wearing a prosthetic penis to work. Pauline Davis, 45, had been contemplating gender reassignment and had hoped wearing the penis would help her make a decision.
    Dumb Pauline told several of her co-workers that she was wearing a fake penis to work and they reported her to management. Davis was fired and is now suing J&J Snack Foods Corp. for back pay, damages for suffering and humiliation and punitive damages. If this woman wins any money from this case, I swear I am going to get a fake penis and tell every single person at work I am packing. I would like to get a new car soon and that money could come in handy. If the courts are willing to hand out money on this one, I think I stand a great chance of having a new car by August.
    We don’t know the full story here. Maybe she thought the people she told were her friends and she told them in confidence. Or maybe she ran up and down the assembly line screaming, “I got me a wiener! Wanna see?” Hard to judge when we don’t have all the facts.
    I think the lesson we should take away from this is to just keep quiet about such things. We are a country of over-sharers these days. It doesn’t seem to matter what the issue is, everyone is going to know about it either on Facebook or Twitter. I really don’t care to hear you successfully took a crap or about the sexy time you had with your girlfriend. Just nasty. 
    So for those of you out there that need a little guidance I have come up with a list of things that you probably shouldn’t share at work.
    1. That you plan on spending your Friday night in your underpants watching “Toddlers and Tiaras”.
    2. That the Mexican food you had for lunch has produced 3 gallons of diarrhea.
    3. Banging the bosses’ wife.
    4. You were so drunk last weekend that your friends said you pissed in your birdbath and passed out for the night under a tree in your front yard.
    5. It is so hot in the office you have decided not to wear panties.
    6. That your blow-up doll should arrive in the mail today and you are so excited about it.
    7. The doctor said the oozy rash you have on your butt is highly contagious and he prays you have not been using public restrooms.
    8. You don’t smell like cat pee from doing meth, you actually live with 30 cats. “But if you need some meth, I can get you some.”
    So remember everyone, loose lips and zippers sink ships and may have you working at McDonald’s next week.

  7. Dude Looks Like a Lady

    January 8, 2012 by C.

    I’m too sexy for my shirt

    Well, well, well…what do we have here? Mr. Steven Tyler out for a swim I see. There are so many disturbing things in this photo I am just not sure where to start.

    I suppose I should start with the elephant or elephants in the room…Stevie has some boobies. You usually see manboobs this size on chubby guys so I am really puzzled. But here is my beef with this…you have all the money in the world, go get it fixed if you are going to parade around beaches with your 38-year-old girlfriend.
    I imagine this is her shoving his shirt at him screaming, “It’s the paparazzi! Hide your bitch tits!”

    I have to stop now, I just can’t look at the photo any longer without wanting to go to Wal-mart and buy a couple of “A” cup bras to send to him.

    These boobies will be in action starting January 18th when “American Idol” resumes. Just try not to think about how much the dude looks like a lady.

  8. Snoring Can Lead to Hickeys

    January 5, 2012 by C.

    This is similar to the rig I was in…

    Over the past few years, I have shared hotel rooms or stayed at the homes of friends and family for vacations or holidays. One thing was always discussed at breakfast the next morning…my snoring.
    “Chanin, I am pretty sure you stopped breathing several times last night too,” said my mom.
    “Really? And you just left me there to die? Not even a courtesy remote control tossed in my face?” I asked.
    “Well no honey. I wouldn’t want to hurt you,” she said.
    But I guess dying in my sleep wouldn’t be near as painful. Thanks.
    Sick of hearing all of this, I finally made an appointment with a doctor who after asking me 1500 questions about how I sleep scheduled an appointment for the sleep apnea test.
    The test took place this past Monday. I arrived at 8pm and met Dale, my technician for the night. Poor Dale had no idea what he was in for.
    I had to sign a bunch of paperwork and then watch a 15-minute video. Dale came back in and told me it was time to get hooked up. I don’t know what I was expecting but it was not being draped in more wire than what was used to hook up the security systems at the Pentagon.
    The lights were turned out around 10:30pm.The first problem I encountered was their pillows. One was not enough and two had my head jacked up. I went with my head being jacked up. The next problem was one I totally did not expect. My room was right next to the community bathroom and someone had bladder control issues all night long and they were not very quiet about it.
    Most of the night I stared at the ceiling. I rolled over to try to sleep on my stomach and the wires that were hooked to my legs popped off. In rolls Dale and he hooks me all up again. Thirty minutes later I try again to try to get somewhat comfortable. Leg thingies pop off again. In comes Dale. Hooks me back up. I tried to convince Dale that my legs sleep just fine most nights and to please just leave them off but he would have none of it.
    I knocked off those leg thingies 5 more times during the night. After the 4th time Dale’s assistant came in and taped the wire and everything to my leg. I still managed to get it off rolling over in bed. Later that night I also popped off one from the back of my head, one from my back and even managed to remove the nasal oxygen thing that was going up my nose. I was fairly certain if I did have a few “episodes” that night they would just leave me to die.
    I put on my headphones to try to listen to some music hoping that would relax me.
    When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
    Everybody stops and they staring at me
    I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it

    I’m sexy and I know it”

    This booming voice came out of nowhere.
    “Chanin, stop singing.”
    Guess I got a little carried away. Totally forgot Big Brother was listening.
    There was just something about knowing that people were sitting in another room watching me sleep that kind of creeped me out. It was just a weird feeling.
    I had no idea what time it was but at some point someone got in the shower and woke me up. About 5 minutes later Dale comes in to wake me…the test is over.
    “Hon, I don’t think you slept soundly for more than an hour and that was just right before I woke you up,” said Dale.
    Yea, no shit Dale.
    Then for the great news…
    “We didn’t get much sleep data recorded on you so I imagine your doctor will have you come take the test again,” Dale said grinning at me.
    Dale almost got stabbed in his eyeball with the pen they gave me to fill out my exit survey.
    I drove home to get ready for work. Yes, I had to work that day. It took me a few times to shampoo most of the glue out of my hair and I discovered I had an allergic reaction to the tape they used to secure the microphone to my neck. Lovely. I got to go to work looking like I spent the night with someone that loved giving hickeys in bunches. That will sure get the office tramp rumors going. Sweet.
    I have not heard from the doctor yet but if he tells me I have to do this all over again I am going to request to be sedated and that they use much more of that hickey tape but all over my body this time. 

  9. "Aerial America" Rocks

    January 2, 2012 by C.

    I have become addicted to a show called, “Aerial America.” You can find it on the Smithsonian Channel. The show takes a state and shows it to you via aerial shots, while a narrator tells you historical information about that state. Each show lasts an hour (even less than that if you record it and speed past all the commercials). It is very informative and just beautiful to watch because it is shot in HD.

    If you have the time, check it out. What else are you going to watch? The Kardashians?? Smarten up already!

  10. A Few Resolutions for 2012

    January 1, 2012 by C.

    Another year has come and gone. Tonight we ring in 2012 with dancing, drinking and parties or if you are like me laying in your mismatched pjs, watching “The Notebook” and eating Oreos non-stop. To each their own right?
    I usually try to make a few resolutions each year. I can’t remember the last one I actually kept but a person has to set some goals or they will just stay flopped on their couch in their pjs, watching “The Notebook” and eating Oreos non-stop. Wait a minute…
    So here they are…my 2012 resolutions.
    I will get through another year without dumbing down to watch “The Jersey Shore,”  “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” and “Teen Mom.”
    I resolve to never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    I resolve to not having my Christmas shopping done early this year because there is just no point of gift giving if the world is going to end on December 21st.
    I will be paid for something I write at least once this year even if only $1.00.
    I resolve to take up a new habit: Nose picking perhaps.
    I will make an attempt to go green this year. I will conserve water by wearing all my clothes twice before washing, taking a shower once a week and only flushing the #2 deposits.
    This year my name will not be published in the paper after getting a speeding ticket. If my name appears in the paper this year it will be for something cool like shoplifting “Twilight” shit from Wal-mart.
    I resolve to win the Powerball and run away to an island similar to Gilligan’s but with electricity, a personal chef and internet access.
    I resolve to watch “Gone With the Wind” for the 1sttime so everyone will stop freaking out that I have never seen it.
    This year I will have 100 followers of my blog even if I have to start making up fake e-mail accounts to do it.
    I resolve to write/read more and watch less TV. 
    I will score a 200-point word playing “Words with Friends.”
    I wish all of you a Happy New Year! Stay safe out there!