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February, 2012

  1. Book Review and More: "The Hunger Games"

    February 29, 2012 by C.

    A friend recommended the “The Hunger Games” book to me. When I did a little research and found it was a book for teens I lost interest immediately.  The “Twilight” series nearly did me in. It took me forever to get through those books, but I did because everyone else was reading them. For whatever reason, I did not find them too appealing (Team Edward and Team Jacob members, please do not send me hate mail). But seriously, isn’t it just a bit gross that Jacob is into Edward and Bella’s kid?
    Here is a brief summary of “The Hunger Games” from
    “Katniss is a 16-year-old girl living with her mother and younger sister in the poorest district of Panem, the remains of what used to be the United States. Long ago the districts waged war on the Capitol and were defeated. As part of the surrender terms, each district agreed to send one boy and one girl to appear in an annual televised event called, “The Hunger Games.” The terrain, rules, and level of audience participation may change but one thing is constant: kill or be killed. When Kat’s sister is chosen by lottery, Kat steps up to go in her place.”
    I could not put this book down. At the end of just about every chapter, something would happen and I would have to continue reading. If I hadn’t had to go to work, I would have finished in one day, but I have to work in order to support my Oreo habit. 
    The book might have appealed to me because of the whole survival/Doomsday thing. Her district is poor and many people starve to death, so she has to go out and hunt for food. This skill is what really prepared her to be a competitor in the games. The minute I put the book down, I went to and ordered up an archery bow and some arrows to practice up for when Doomsday hits. Being able to kill my own squirrels and rabbits when the day comes will be totally worth the $879.13 I charged for my new archery equipment. Carbon bows aren’t cheap people.
    The book also made me realize I needed to practice surviving in extreme temperatures. So a couple of nights ago I took a tarp and a couple of blankets out in the back yard to see just how difficult this would be. Using my smart phone as a flashlight did not last long at all. Stupid smart phone died. So that left just the moon and the bright floodlights on the house. After two hours I went banging on the neighbors back door asking for some hot chocolate. Mr. Grumpy Butt said he didn’t have any. So I asked could I please come in and use his restroom because the thought of going outside did not appeal to me at all. He slammed the door in my face. The next morning I called the cops and reported I suspected he has a meth lab in his storage shed. That should teach him.
    I lasted about another hour before going inside to my warm house. Roughing it is highly overrated. Next test trial I will need some Depends and a very long extension cord to power up my phone and have a hot plate to heat up some cocoa. I think that would make things a little more tolerable.
    Whether you are into surviving Doomsday or not, I think you would greatly enjoy reading “The Hunger Games”. Read it quickly…the movie comes out on March 23rd

  2. Dude, I Miss You

    February 22, 2012 by C.

    Me and Dude

    February 21st, 2005 is the day my grandfather died. I don’t like February 21st very much. Staying in bed all day seems like a great option at times.

    It was a Monday night and I was watching my favorite show, “24”. I was living in Colorado at the time. I knew getting a phone call after 8pm from my Mom was not a good sign but I truthfully never dreamed I would hear the words, “He’s gone, Chanin. There was nothing they could do. It was a massive heart attack.”

    I hung up the phone and vomited in the kitchen sink. My best friend was gone and I didn’t even get to say good-bye.

    We all called him “Papa.” For some reason, I started calling him Dude. I walked into work one day after my college classes and he said, “Hey Dude, what are you up to?” It made me smile. We called each other Dude ever since.

    My parents had divorced when I was 9, my dad was in Tennessee and we lived in Oklahoma. Papa was essentially my dad. He taught me how to drive, how to work and be responsible, how to gamble (one of our favorite things to do together was to bet on football games), how to cook a mean steak and how to play golf. The impact this man had on my life is really hard to put into words.

    I think about and miss him every single day. This day is just a little more difficult than the others. But I know one of these days I will see him again and he will say, “Dude, what have you been up to?” And I will smile.

  3. Modern Day Sybil

    February 20, 2012 by C.

    23-year-old Timothy Beer of Leechburg, Pennsylvania turned himself into police on Tuesday for the robbery of China King Restaurant. Mr. Beer claims to have multiple personalities and one of them robbed this restaurant.

    The robbery occurred last Sunday. Beer read about it in the paper a few days later and suddenly remembered what had happened. He told police he went to the restaurant and ordered food. He got angry because he thought the person waiting on him was continuing to speak Chinese. The next thing he remembered was playing video games at his cousin’s house.

    Let’s give credit where credit is due. Mr. Beer is an extremely honest man to turn himself in like that. Not very smart, but what do you expect with Beer for a last name.

    I have a few personalities myself and they have gotten me in some trouble over the years. Luckily, we have never done something so severe to be put behind bars…at least not yet.

    Without further ado, here are my peeps:

    Bertha Lou Bissinger- Bertha likes to eat. She has been banned from every pizza and Chinese buffet in town. Often, when I return to being myself my face is covered in Cheeto dust and hot fudge.

    Ramona J. Stanley- She is essentially trailer trash. Caked on make-up, puffy hair with bangs and tube tops. She drinks frequently and has been know to pick fights. The shrink asked her what the “J” stood for in her name to which she replied, “Jawbreaker, what the f&$% else would it stand for?? Jane??”

    Blue Ivy Carter- She lives her life as Jay-z and Beyonce’s baby girl. She waves around a microphone rattle and demands a little Cristal in her bottle every night.

    Dale Jr.-Gets my name listed in the newspapers with all the speeding tickets he gets. Wears lots of flannel and chews tobacco.

    Haden Ranger Randolph- 14-year-old boy. Plays video games non-stop, eats pizza and drinks Red Bull. Came to once with a broken arm from a skateboard trick he attempted involving my car and a piece of plywood. He is not smart.

    I hope to develop a personality that is some sort of genius and can figure out a way for me to pick winning lottery tickets. Until then, I will just pray that I don’t go bankrupt from Bertha’s pizza deliveries and the hospital bills from hanging with Haden.

  4. Tips To Make Being Single on Valentines Day Fun

    February 14, 2012 by C.

    1. Send yourself flowers. Face it, you have the money because you obviously don’t spend money on makeup or hot clothes to get a boyfriend of your own. When the flowers arrive, loudly read the card, “Missing you so much…Love Tim Tebow”. Watch all the chicks in your office spaz out.

    2. Call the most popular restaurant in town and make about 20 different reservations for the same time. Look in the phone book for random call back names and numbers to give them. It will really screw up the Valentines dinner of a bunch of hungry people.

    3. Park and watch for happy couples going to the movies on Valentines. Then get out and shoot arrows in their tires with Cupid’s crossbow. That will teach them.

    4. Just get drunk. This solves about 90% of all problems.

    5. Go into work early on 2/15. Take all the flower arrangements off the bitch’s desks that are lucky enough to have actual boyfriends/husbands to send them flowers and toss them in the dumpster. Claim that they set off your allergies and had to go.

    6. Steal all the cute Valentines candy they put on their desks and blame the janitor.

    7. Put a basket of pregnancy tests in the ladies room at work. Just a gentle reminder that diddlin’ on Valentine’s Day can cause you to have children and none of them will be near as cute as Blue Ivy Carter.

    Thank God I look like my Mom!

    See, being single isn’t all that bad on Valentine’s Day. At least you won’t have to deal with a boyfriend giving you a gym membership,a hair removal system or lingerie. Men really are clueless sometimes.

  5. Let Your Freak Fly

    February 11, 2012 by C.

    Can you say fruitcake???

    Most days I mentally abuse myself about my position in life at age 40.

    “Don’t make enough money.”

    “Going nowhere fast.”

    “Don’t own a house like normal people my age.”

    “I drive a Kia.”

    “No kids for me. At this age, my eggs must be like dried up raisins.”

    Blah blah blah. You get the picture. For the next few months, I will get a break from all that. Why?? Well, because the best show ever is starting a new season and watching these people makes me feel like I have my shit more together than Gwyneth Paltrow.

    *Gwynnie, if you are reading this…I simply ADORE you. I started putting my eye cream in the fridge just like you said to do in your blog. I still have nasty bags under my eyes, but it gives me the chance to eat a couple of chocolate eclairs while I am in there digging for that jar of eye cream. Call me!*

    “My Strange Addiction” starts this Sunday, on TLC at 9pm central. This season is going to be a doozie. The very first episode will feature Nathaniel. My boy Nate loves taking his car out for dates and um…well he…oh boy…he gets busy with his car and I don’t mean a running errands kind of busy. 27-years-old and has been dating “Chase” for 5 years now.

    Nathan, you are a freaky man. I am 10 steps closer to Gwynnie level.

    On the same episode, we will meet a woman addicted to snorting baby powder and has been doing so for 10 years (I bet she smells really good though). I am feeling so damn good about myself right now.

    Also this season you will get to see a woman addicted to eating cat food. She will have several cans of the wet stuff and about 900 cat treats a day. Most people (especially me) really fear having to eat cat food one day when our retirement runs out, so I am hoping to learn how to embrace a “Friskies” fix. Probably not as good as “Fancy Feast” but I won’t be able to afford that shit.

    A moth ball sniffer, a woman addicted to her size 38KKK boobies, even while they are causing her health issues, a woman that eats tape, another woman that drinks 5 bottles of nail polish a day (I bet her insides are so pretty and she pees rainbow colors).

    So, please join me in watching the freak fest on Sunday night. Everyone needs to be reminded of just how normal they are occasionally.

  6. My New Bestest Show

    February 8, 2012 by C.

    As some of you know, I am a little paranoid and slightly crazy. I feel like the end of the world is near and I would like to be totally prepared for that. When the US is all screwed up because of earthquakes, flooding and animals falling from the sky and you can’t seem to make it across town to your local Starbucks for some coffee, I will have enough coffee stockpiled to last me for three years. Who’s crazy now bitches???
    If you would like to learn more about getting prepared for the end of the world, there is a great new show coming on tonight. A documentary type show featuring people just like me, except slightly more nuts. Tune in tonight to the National Geographic Channel at 8pm central and watch “Doomsday Preppers”. I am excited about this show because it will feature a man that has taught himself how to survive on garden weeds alone.
    I am hoping he needs a wife…sounds like my soul mate.

  7. Busted…Literally

    February 5, 2012 by C.

    Dolly Parton wishes she had boobies as large as mine

    Maureen Raymond, 49, was arrested last week for driving under the influence. Now, if I stopped right there it would seem like a normal every day thing but it gets so much better folks.

    Upon being pulled over for going 50 in a 35 mph zone, she tells police she cannot participate in the sobriety field tests because, “big breast you don’t balance well.”

    Hmmmmm…I bet they had never heard that excuse before.

    Raymond was slurring her speech and reeked of alcohol. The officers asked her if she had any injuries and she said she had, “big breasts and whiplash.” I am not sure how she got the whiplash considering she had not wrecked her car. Maybe it was an injury from earlier in the day when she attempted to get her bazookas wrangled into a bra.

    Police asked Raymond to walk in a straight line and instead of doing that she decided to “bust” a move and was dancing all over the place. The officers told her she needed to keep her hands down by her sides and she responded, “hell no, not with these”. She again stated she could not do the test with her “big boobies.”

    The police report also said that Raymond started to take off her clothes to show the officers her breasts but they stopped her. If she were 23 and had on her stripper outfit from Bare Assets, the gentlemen’s club down the street, it might have been a different story.

    I wonder if this will start other people claiming they have issues that prevent them from walking the line…say a huge beer belly or heavy balls. What’s not so good for the goose, just might work for the gander.

    The thing is, I have the same issues as Ms. Raymond. Instead of fighting them though, I have learned to embrace them. Here are a few things that I have found they are good for…

    If my plane goes down in a large body of water, no need to reach under my seat for the flotation device, these babies could float me to China and back.

    They come in very handy as a shelf. I often perch ink pens, remote controls and my car keys on them when my hands are full.

    It never fails when I am eating, something falls and stops there. The food usually stays there until I pick it off and throw it away or eat it. Turns out, breasts work great as food savers.

    Cleavage is great for holding things such as lollipops, so I can eat a lollipop while using my hands to drive my car. I love multi-tasking!

    I will be mailing Ms. Raymond a copy of these suggestions to the Martin County Sheriff’s office. Maybe next time she won’t do something so silly that gives all us big boobie women a bad name.

  8. Kristen Bell Loves Sloths

    February 4, 2012 by C.

    She is so cute! Just had to share because it makes me laugh. Enjoy!

  9. May the Force Be With His Attorney

    February 2, 2012 by C.

    Back in December, David Allen Canterbury was arrested in a Toys R Us for attacking customers with toy lightsabers. Yea, like the ones from “Star Wars”.

    One of the customers called the police and reported a man inside the store swinging lightsabers at customers. The police found Canterbury in the parking lot and attempted to approach him. Crazy Canterbury just kept swinging those lightsabers around. The police were afraid of being hit by a piece of plastic so they tried to taser the man. Excessive force maybe?

    Here is the best part though…Canterbury blocked one of the taser wires with his toy lightsaber. Me thinks the Force is strong with this one. You know the guy was thinking, “Holy crap! I must be a real Jedi! Where the hell is Yoda?”

    Needless to say he was hauled off to jail being charged with assault, disorderly conduct, theft (I guess he didn’t come walking into the store with those lightsabers), resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer.

    This just goes to show you cannot do meth/drink/smoke pot (or whatever else he could have been on) and go to Toys R Us.