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March, 2012

  1. "Mega" Dreams

    March 31, 2012 by C.

    The Mega Millions drawing is just a few hours away. I can’t help but wish and hope and dream about what it would be like to win all that money. There are people that say it would be horrible to win because of  the people coming out of the woodwork with their hands held out, telling you stories of  how they can’t pay their rent because they just spent $10,000 on Mega Million tickets. Phooey! I think the best part of it all would be helping other people (not the idiots in my example above, but people that really need it).

    I am pretty sure I would just go into hiding or move to another country for a while. Take care of my family and closest friends and boogie on outta here (riding in first class of course).

    My co-workers and I all pitched in and bought $70 worth of tickets for the drawing tonight. I was in charge of making the purchase and really thought we had bought a lot but the clerk told me a woman bought a $100 worth yesterday. What a ticket whore!

    I don’t know why she even bothered. I am winning this thing. I feel so confident about it I have picked out several pieces of real estate to purchase with my winnings. The real estate agents got kind of snotty with me when I told them I needed all the info on these properties asap because we would be closing next Friday. I will make sure to stick one of my winning Mega balls up their butts after we sign the paperwork.

    Let’s take a look at what I have picked out…

    This is my apartment in the Tribeca part of New York. All the hours I have spent watching “Selling New York” are finally going to pay off. This is just a model of course, because there is no way in hell I am going to win the lottery and own a TV that small. 
    Traveling East to West, this is my future home in the Colorado mountains. I had to get a larger home so the family can all gather during holidays. That is if I am not at a spa in Italy being pampered by Geovani, my personal spa boy. Chill family. Christmas is all year long now…I won the lotto! 
    Last but not least, is my beach house in San Diego. I am not much of a warm weather person but it was cheap and I heard Adam Lambert just bought his parents a house a few doors down. It will make stalking him so much easier. 
    The odds to win are not in my favor, but someone has to win it, right? Why not me? All I know is I bought a little hope today and it feels really good. 


  2. A Few Questions With…Magic 8 Ball

    March 28, 2012 by C.

    There are times when I question myself and the path I am on. I second guess myself constantly, so sometimes it is nice to get a second opinion and my shrink isn’t always around.

    So this week I bought a Magic 8 Ball to help me get some answers to my crazy life. I asked the question, closed my eyes (for dramatic effect) and gave it a good shake. I swear to you that these are the answers that came up for each question.

    Will I be a famous writer?

    Yes-definitely

    Off to a great start my magic friend.

    Will I be rich and successful?

    Yes.

    I love you Magic 8 ball!

    Will Adam Lambert marry me?

    Don’t count on it.

    What??? Are you freaking kidding me??? How does this toy know Adam is way gay and would never marry me?? It MUST be magic.

    Would I survive being a tribute in “The Hunger Games”?

    Without a doubt.

    The 8 ball is picking up on my newly acquired Doomsday Prepping skills and knows I could survive for years in the wilderness with just a toothpick and a roll of duct tape.

    Are Oprah and Gayle lovers?

    As I see it, yes.

    I KNEW IT!

    Should I max out my credit cards?

    Yes.

    God bless you Magic Ball, God bless you!

    Will the world end December 21st, 2012?

    Very doubtful.

    Will Obama be President again?

    Signs point to yes.

    Will Snooki be a good mother?

    Don’t count on it.

    Oh, the Magic 8 ball is so wise. Everyone I know is getting one for Christmas.

    Will Tim Tebow marry me?

    Very doubtful.

    %&;@(^*^*&)*@ stupid *&^;%&%^ Magic Ball!

    Will Brad ever marry Angie?

    Outlook good.

    Glad someone is getting married. Geez.

    Am I super sexy?

    My reply is no.

    God, now I am depressed. Where is my bag of Oreos??????

    Will anyone ever marry me? Like if I am the last female on the planet?? In the galaxy?

    Not a chance in hell loser girl.

    Touche’ 8 ball. You win this round.


  3. "Hunger Games" Inspired Dinner

    March 23, 2012 by C.

    Like pretty much everyone else in this country I am super obsessed with “The Hunger Games” books. The movie opens tonight at midnight but since I am old and have to work tomorrow I will have to wait for the weekend to see it. So I decided to celebrate with a dinner tonight that is inspired by the books.

    I wanted to start my dinner with some grilled squirrel legs but when I went out in the backyard to shoot a squirrel this is what greeted me…

    So I slowly closed the door and decided on some goat cheese. 
    My main course had to be lamb stew with dried plums. 
    And what “Hunger Games” meal would be complete without some Peeta bread…
    If you all haven’t checked out the books please do and then get out to see the movie. 


  4. "I’ll Have What She’s Having"

    March 22, 2012 by C.

    Exercise torture device or sex toy?

    I spent most of the day Tuesday in a line to get signed up for a YMCA membership. The line was made up entirely of women and wrapped around the building and down the street.

    Why the sudden attraction to working out? A study was released that reveals a woman can have orgasms while exercising. No other stimulation needed…no sexual fantasies or watching a hot body work out. Just a little exercise does the trick for some women according to the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University.

    “Coregasms” are linked to exercises for core abdominal muscles. There were a few other exercises that also had this effect on women. Biking/spinning, climbing poles or ropes, weight lifting, running and some had an experience while doing yoga or swimming.

    But the main way these women achieved orgasm was using a device called the “captain’s chair”. Basically your forearms support all your weight while you lift your legs up in the air as high as you can get them. I have a feeling there will be long lines at the gym to use this contraption.

    I have to admit I was pretty skeptical about this. I think the only thing that could cause a woman to orgasm without direct stimulation would be watching her man do all the housework and cook dinner. I have also heard of women achieving orgasm while eating cheesecake, but there isn’t any scientific evidence backing this claim.

    Only one way to find out…a trip to the gym.

    First stop, a spinning bike. After fifteen minutes on the bike, my nether region hurt so badly that I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to urinate again, let alone have any magic going on down there. Any woman that says she orgasms while riding those bikes is completely full of shit. I climbed off and immediately lay down on the nearest mat holding my private area in hopes it would somehow soothe the burning going on.

    After several perverts walked past staring at me holding my hot pocket, I decided I had better get up. It was time to stand in line for the captain’s chair. Once it was my turn, I used a part of the frame to climb up and position myself to let go and have all the weight resting on my arms.

    In my head I was preparing myself for the big O that was about to take place.

    “No matter how great it is, you will not scream or moan or carry on. You will act dignified…smile politely and get home as quickly as possible to order one shipped to the house from Amazon.com.”

    1…2…3… I let my feet go and immediately fell straight to the floor. I climbed back up and tried it again. Same result.

    I didn’t go through all this crap to walk away with a sore twat. This IS going to happen. I told the perfect perky woman that was next in line to slow her roll and if she even thinks of touching my captain’s chair, I would strap her onto a spinning bike for a week. Yea, she looked really freaked out.

    I trotted over to where all the weight lifters were working out and asked if one of the guys could give me a hand. One of the dumb ones followed me over. So much for not needing a man to get this done…

    “Listen up, I am going to climb the frame and when I say go, you are going to grab my feet and start lifting my legs up to my chest as fast as you can,” I said.

    “Lady, I am not doing that…you are nuts!” he replied.

    I whipped out the big bill I had in my pocket and flashed it in front of his eyes.

    “Look, you just lift me for five minutes or so and I will reward you financially. You were just going to be lifting weights anyways so really what is the difference other than I am paying you to lift?” I asked.

    “You have a point,” he said.

    SUCKER!

    The line to get on the captain’s chair was the length of the gym. Ms. Perfect was quite pissy so we needed to make this happen.

    “Ok, ready…set…GO!” I yelled.

    He started lifting my legs up and down as fast as he could. The entire gym went still and everyone watched the show we were putting on. I just kept waiting, but I experienced nothing but a tremendous gas pain that had built up in my belly. Lovely.

    “Ok, ok ok…you can stop,” I told him. I handed him the cash and walked very quickly out of the gym. I won’t ever be working out there again I can tell you that.

    On my way home I was thinking how strippers always seem like such happy people and maybe it is because of the work they do on the poles. Hmmmm…I wonder if they sell stripper poles on Amazon.com.


  5. My Blog Has a Theme Song

    March 17, 2012 by C.

    How cool is this??? Thank you Ms. Norah Jones!


  6. She Went To Jared

    March 11, 2012 by C.

    Do I seem like a stalker to you??

    Madaline Desmet, 64, of Des Moines, Washington fell in love with a man she met at a church group in 2010. This sounds like the beginning of a beautiful love story but it isn’t.

    Ms. Desmet started sending the man letters…57 of them in one year… to profess her love. She also called him and sent him e-mails. He told her he was not interested but that wouldn’t stop our senior stalker. She went ahead and started planning a wedding. Ms. Desmet even had a date picked out and reserved for them at a municipal court to exchange their vows. The man found this out after the court called him to discuss a few things about their wedding date.

    There was also a wedding ring involved. The man received a phone call from Jared jewelry store. They wanted him to come in and pay for the ring she had picked out.

    We need to give her some credit…she really goes after who she wants (this was her second time being charged with stalking someone). But most importantly…at least she went to Jared.

    I can really relate to this woman. I have been stalking Adam Lambert for years. I have our wedding all planned out too. I thought I would take a moment to share a few of the photos I have collected with you all.

    I was this close to him once. He said, “Get away from me you freak!!”

    I think what he really meant to say was that he really appreciated the fact that I drove across six states just to be near him. He had to be really tired after performing in all those cities. I know I was really tired after seeing him perform 24 concerts. It really takes a lot out of a person.

    This is the wedding dress I have picked out.

    I have it on layaway and it is almost paid off!

    This is what he will be wearing to our wedding. Isn’t he so handsome???

    My mom says I shouldn’t marry a man that wears more makeup than I do. I find it kind of comforting. We can go shopping together for our makeup and if I run out of something I can just use his. 

    “Adam honey, may I borrow your eyeliner?” I ask.
    “Well of course poopsie, my makeup is your makeup,” he replies. 
    If that isn’t domestic bliss I don’t know what is. 
    This is our wedding cake!

    Isn’t it beautiful? I had to sell one of my kidneys to Rico to pay for it, but it will be worth it once I fully recover from the surgery.

    My ring!

    Screw Jared. I got my ring from Tiffany’s. I am pretty sure Adam will pay me back for it once we are married.

    So I understand and feel for Ms. Desmet. I hope she will get out of jail in time to attend our wedding. I think she would approve.


  7. It’s About Time

    March 9, 2012 by C.

    I started reading, “Take The Stairs” by Rory Vaden a few weeks ago. It has been a slow read just because there is so much information packed into it. 
    Basically the book is saying to be successful you need to do things others are not willing to do (like take the stairs instead of the elevator/escalator). He takes you through the seven steps to achieving true success and I had to stop off at step five. It is about time management. I waste a ton of time. It is sad really. But that is all about to change. 
    He suggests a tracking system for your time. So many hours of “fun” time like watching movies, playing on the Internet and watching TV and tracking your exercise, work, family, sleep and more. I am going to give this a shot starting on Monday, March 12th. I have set up a spreadsheet that I can fill out at the end of every day to track my time. I want to be as honest as possible and turn all my “fun” time into productive time in hopes of accomplishing all my dreams. 
    This is where you come in. I am going to post my time goals. Putting it out there for everyone to see and I will try to post my results weekly as well. You all will keep me accountable. By putting it out there I am making it real. I am going to give myself a month to get adjusted because I am probably clueless as to how much time I really waste. But this is where I am going to start…
    Sleep: 7-8 hours per day. 
    Work: 50 hours each week (40 at my job and 10 around the house cleaning, shopping, laundry whatever). 
    Faith: 3 hours per week. This can consist of going to church or reading from the Bible or meditation. 
    Family: 4 hours of family time per week. I know the normal person would have much more than this but I am not married and have no kids. So this will be time with my mom, close friends and my sister’s family when they are in town. 
    Exercise: Will take 2 walks per day at work (approximately 15 minutes each). Workout with the Kinect exercise games 4 times a week at around 20 minutes each time. 
    Finance: I have decided I also waste a bunch of money. So, I will track what I spend each day. This doesn’t count bills because those are easily tracked. I am talking about tracking the lunches I might eat out, money spent on my “Doomsday Prepper” items and the money I spend on Bradsdeals.com (I hate Brad and his deals. I have an entire case of toilet paper stored in my garage because I couldn’t pass up how cheap it was). 
    Fun: 7 hours a week on the Internet and 4 hours of TV/movies/video games per week. I hope to be able to cut this back to 7 hours per week total as a future goal. 
    Blogging/writing/research: 6 hours a week. If I can cut the fun time down by 4 hours I would like to add those hours here. 
    I think that pretty much covers everything. Feel free to send e-mails, post comments or heckle me if you see me out on the street. This probably sounds pretty crazy I know but I have a strong desire to do something with my life and 6 hours a night on Facebook is getting me nowhere fast. 

  8. Parents Think Fairy Tales Are Too Scary for Children

    March 6, 2012 by C.

    A British television station, Watch, conducted a study recently and found that many parents think that good old fashion fairy tales are just too scary/disturbing for their children. 
    If this doesn’t prove the world has gone nuts, I don’t know what would.
    Let me share just a few of the stories along with the reasons they don’t think they should be exposed to children.

    1. Hansel and Gretel – Details two kids abandoned in the forest and likely to scare young children

    2. Jack and the Beanstalk – Deemed too ‘unrealistic’.

    3. Gingerbread Man – Would be uncomfortable explaining gingerbread man gets eaten by a fox

    4. Little Red Riding Hood – Deemed unsuitable by parents who have to explain a young girl’s grandmother has been eaten by a wolf.

    5. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – the term dwarves was found to be inappropriate

    6. Cinderella – Story about a young girl doing all the housework was outdated.

    7.Rapunzel – Parents were worried about the focus on a young girl being kidnapped.

    8.Rumplestiltskin – Wouldn’t be happy reading about executions and kidnapping

    9.Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Sends the wrong messages about stealing

    10.Queen Bee – Inappropriate as the story has a character called Simpleton ENDS

    I am not sure which one irritates me the most. Somewhere these folks have forgotten that these are made up stories that are read for entertainment, not the police report for a brutal crime. Could these stories be any worse than what they are watching on TV or something they see in a video game?
    The future generations are going to be a bunch of wussies. They will live with their parents forever, never get a job and be terrified of doing anything because they have been over-protected by their parents. It is like everything has to be happy-happy all the time and that is not how life works. Protecting children to the point of never letting them be un-happy or seeing how sometimes things in life are sad, will do nothing but handicap them in the future.
    After reading this article, I took a moment to reflect on my childhood. I was read all these stories and I am somewhat normal now. Of all the things that my parents did that might have been too scary was taking me to see “King Kong” at age 5. I think my father wanted to go see the movie and knew my mom wouldn’t go so that left me as his movie date.
    Now, this movie came out in 1976 so the special effects weren’t like they are now, but it was pretty gruesome in parts. Kong battled with a giant snake and finally broke the snake in half.
    Well, I soiled myself. Seriously. About 10 minutes go by and my father leaned down and asked, “Did you toot?”
    I shook my head no. I wished I had tooted.
    So he is glaring at the people around us, giving them dirty looks for letting one rip in a movie theater. I could not stop thinking, “He is going to kill me. He is going to be so mad and I will be grounded and sent to my room without dinner for the rest of my life.”
    I slowly started stuffing the popcorn into my coat pockets. I wasn’t too fond of missing meals even at a young age.
    The movie ended and I was scared to move. My dad looks at me and says, “Let’s go.” I motion for him to lean down so I could whisper to him, “I had an accident, Dad.”
    His face turned a purple/red/pink color all at once. We waited for everyone to leave the theater and then he covered me up in his coat. We did not speak the whole way home.
    He had to explain this to my mother who was not very happy about his film choice or the fact that I needed to be cleaned up. When we were in the bathroom alone she asked what had happened. I blurted out, “ There was this big snake and it was trying to kill King Kong and he picked it up and just broke it and it was so scary I had an accident.” Her eyeballs were popping out of her head.
    As if things could not get any worse, I had nightmares for 2 weeks. My dad paid for that trip to the movies for a long time.
    Things were different back then. It’s not that our parents didn’t care about us or were negligent…they just gave us space to grow and experience life. I know I appreciate being raised that way and really hope that these parents re-consider banning fairy tales from their children.

  9. Oui Oui Monsieur

    March 2, 2012 by C.

    Google is being sued by a Frenchman for having his picture taken by one of their Street View cameras. The man just happened to urinating in his driveway. Although they blurred out the man’s face in the photo, he says he has been recognized and has become the laughing stock of his village.
    The man is demanding the photo be removed and he would also like around $13,300 in damages.
    Damages for what? You are the ding-dong that decided to piss in your front yard.
    It could have been so much worse than this. He could have been fondling himself or someone else, he could have been totally naked or wearing his wife’s dress and heels while waxing his car.
    There is no explanation given for why he just decided to relieve himself in the front yard but we all know why he did it. Because he can.