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April, 2012

  1. Hello world!

    April 23, 2012 by C.

    Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!


  2. What Would You Give Up For Internet

    April 18, 2012 by C.

    Imagine a world with very limited Internet access. So limited that you would have to give up something to get the access you have now. What would you be willing to part with?

    A recent study by the Boston Consulting Group asked that question to people around the globe. It is pretty incredible what people said they would give up for their Internet. Here are some of the results from the U.S. people polled.

    21% would stop having sex. I thought about this long and hard…I think it would depend on a few things. Would I be giving up sex with someone like Bradley Cooper or would it be the normal sex I have which consists of bribing men out of the homeless shelter and into my car, all for the promise of a Papa John’s pizza and a pack Marlboros. That would make a huge difference.

    83% said they would stop eating fast food. Surely this cannot be accurate. I don’t think they explained the rules to the participants. You are giving up something FOREVER. We all know you will get a craving for some McNuggets and your Internet privileges will be revoked. Besides, what will you feed your children??

    77% would give up chocolate. Some people are just damn nuts. There are certain days of the month I would chop off a finger in exchange for a Snickers bar that I can dip into a hot fudge sundae while hooked to a feeding tube pumping in chocolate fondue while taking a bath in chocolate pudding. Don’t knock it until you try it.

    73% say they would stop drinking alcoholic beverages. I could give up the bottle for Internet access easy because mixing booze with all the crazy pills I am on results in a highly dangerous situation. Now ask me if I would give up my crazy pills…HELL NO!

    43% would give up exercising. Yea, no shit. If you are so addicted to sitting in front of your computer and pinning pictures of shit you will never ever have, you won’t have any problems whatsoever giving up a session with your personal trainer. Personally, if walking from my couch to the fridge and back doesn’t count as exercise I am not getting any anyways. Exercise be gone! Pinterest here I come!

    Last but not least…7% would stop taking showers/baths. I think these are the people that live in their parent’s basement and play World of Warcraft all day and all nightlong. Walking upstairs for a shower would take far too much energy and time away from the other Orcs (I shall never tell how I know what an Orc is).

    So here are the things I would give up for some Internet…

    Exercise

    Booze

    My life-size stand-up of Adam Lambert (it would be sooooo hard to part with but how would I chat with all my Glambert sisters without internet access???).

    Sleep apnea machine

    My bad ass BB gun.

    I think that is about it. What would you give up for unlimited surfing??


  3. Followers Needed

    April 13, 2012 by C.

    I have been reading quite a bit on getting more followers of blogs and one suggestion is to just ask. Really??? This works? 
    Well here we go…I need followers. The arrow above points to the area you go to sign up to be a follower. It is pretty simple and will be less painful than a root canal…I promise. 
    Each new follower will receive one haircut from me (no I do not have a license but it is a free haircut so stop your bitching). Your hair might not look so pretty, but the good news is it should grow back.  


  4. Criminals Never Cease To Amaze Me

    April 10, 2012 by C.

    Travis=not smart

    Travis Nicolaysen was on the run from the cops but took the time out to update his Facebook page.

    One of his friends posted on Travis’ wall, “Cops all over you.” Mr. Nicolaysen responds, “got away thanks bro.”

    He is wanted for not checking in with his parole officer since January and for whooping up on his girlfriend in March. If any of you ladies are interested, his Facebook status was recently changed from “in a relationship” to “single”. What a catch this one would be.

    The Associated Press interviewed his aunt and of course she runs right away and posts on his wall. “They wanted to know if I thought you talking on facebook while on the run was funny. Hell yes I said, because the keystone cop of clown county couldn’t catch you haha.” No need to wonder why this kid is so screwed up…his whole family is stupid.


    I imagine the cops are just waiting for this genius to “check-in” from the local Burger King and then go nab his ass. 


    If you have a few minutes, go to this kid’s Facebook page and read some of the comments. His wall is wide open so if the mood strikes you leave him a comment. Just be warned he does have one of those tear drop tats by his eye which supposedly means he has killed someone or maybe he just got it to scare his future roommate in the local jail. It’s only a matter of time Travis…

  5. My Alarm Clock Is No Longer Possessed

    April 7, 2012 by C.

    Take that you devil bastard alarm clock!
    My alarm clock was possessed. Something had to be done.
    It has been going on for months. On the weekends, usually on the days I felt I needed to sleep a little later than normal, the alarm would go off. The clock was not set to go off. I always grab it and stare at the switch asking myself, “Have you been drinking or are you heavily medicated?” The answer is no most mornings. 
    So this morning sleep was really needed because I was up until 3a.m. watching that damn “Downton Abbey” show. Yes friends, I live a wild and crazy ass life. 
    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!! On my day off for Jesus’ suffering even! This alarm clock is possessed for sure. Only the devil could do such a thing to me. I slammed my hand down on the snooze button, grabbed it and looked into its taunting face. 
    6:15 a.m. 
    The time I normally get up to get ready for work. Looking closer at the top of the alarm I see it is in the “off” position, just like it was when I checked it last night/this morning before passing out. I get untangled from my sleep apnea mask (I have almost been choked to death three times now by the tubing…and I thought this was supposed to help me breathe??) and directly carry the alarm clock out to the garage. The hammer and I had a good time this morning as you can see in the photo above. It felt SOOOO good. 
    Going back to sleep after being awakened like that is just not an option. Usually I pad into the kitchen, pour myself a bowl of Lucky Charms and drop a couple of blood pressure meds in the milk. Would hate to drop dead because of a possessed alarm clock. 
    Setting my cell phone as an alarm is just not an option. If a stupid alarm clock can become possessed, can you imagine what the devil could do with a smart phone???