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May, 2012

  1. Zombie Apocalypse Coming Soon

    May 30, 2012 by C.

    Have you seen the news lately? Zombies are popping out of the woodwork.

    Let’s start with the face eating Zombie from Miami, Florida. A naked man, chewing on a homeless man’s face. When asked nicely to stop chewing on the man’s nose, Zombie turned around and growled at the cop, then went back to eating.The cop shot him, but our Zombie continued with his Sunday brunch. It took 6 shots to kill this guy. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a serious Zombie attack and it really freaks me out.

    Then this morning, I read another Zombie stabbed himself and as the police were trying to subdue him, he started throwing pieces of his intestines and skin at them. Here is the important piece of information…the police sprayed him with pepper spray before he started    the intestine toss and it did not phase him. Are you getting the picture, folks?

    Maybe this will help spell it out for you if you are a little slow…http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

    We’re screwed, bitches!

    However if you start preparing now, chances are you might survive at least 2-3 days. Look, the world is going to come to a bloody nasty end soon, so you might as well rack up those credit cards buying preparation supplies or just buy a bunch of shit you have wanted for a long time, because you truly won’t be around long enough to pay the bills.

    ***Note from the law office of French, Frye and Coke—She is joking. Our client will not be held accountable. Do not charge up your credit cards preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She is really dumb to believe all this crazy shit, but she pays us well.***

    I will keep this short and sweet as I am busy putting together my list of supplies to survive this mess. If you need a cheat sheet to get started with your purchases here is what I have on my list so far…

    Shotgun (duh)

    bullets for shotgun

    Monster truck (if you don’t shoot very well at least you can run over them)

    First aid kit

    Rations

    Many cases of Coke

    Some of these so you can wipe the Zombie goo from your eye protection. Of course, Elton John is already prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

     

     

     

     

    70 inch LED Flat screen (ok, that has nothing to do with Zombies…I just want one).

    Chainsaw

    Friends like these that you won’t feel bad about sacrificing to the Zombies…

    ***Do not sacrifice them until they have found you a nice hidey hole, killed a cow and butchered it all up into some nice T-bones and built you a fire. Then you can let the Zombies have them.***

    This is some serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The next story I read about someone chowing on another human or using their own blood as paint, I am grabbing my Bug Out Bag (bit.ly/MZcvXA) and heading for the hills.


  2. New Time Killer…Incredibox

    May 28, 2012 by C.

    So much fun!

     

     

    I really don’t need anymore time killers in my life right now but I am willing to give up some Facebook time to play with this one.

    Incredibox allows you to make your own beatbox songs. This is a skill set I have always wished I could have, but the only sound that I can ever produce sounds like a fart, so I am so glad someone has invented this for people like me.

    Go to the site and drag the different sounds up to the guys and they start performing. The site also allows you to name your song and share it on Facebook.

    This is so much fun and very addictive. Try it…I dare you!

    http://www.incredibox.com

    Hopefully, I will get so good at this I will have to take my show out on the road.


  3. Famous On My Terms

    May 25, 2012 by C.

    Put some comfortable shoes with this outfit and I would rock it!

     

    I have long been fascinated with becoming a celebrity. It wasn’t quite the same when I was a child as it is now, but I wanted to be a member of the rock band Kiss. I would put on concerts in my bedroom singing all their songs using my hairbrush as a microphone.

    Apparently my mother thought this was sort of cute so one Christmas she bought me a Kiss outfit. Basically, a black and white striped polo shirt with the Kiss logo on the chest, jeans with a Kiss patch sewn onto the back pockets and a matching belt. Yes, I was a bad ass.

    This obsession with rock bands continued as I grew older, but everything changed when my grandfather sent me a set of drums when I turned eight. My poor parents then had to pay $.25 to come to my drum show in the playroom. My favorite song to play along with was James Taylor’s “Handy Man”. Yea, I was killing it with the mellow crowd (this was truly a step up from the Barry Manilow that was playing constantly in our house).

    Music was my obsession. My goal was to play on a stage someday with a band. I still love music very much, but my celebrity goal changes more and more as I get older.

    Leaving my house is just something I don’t like to do anymore. My middle name is  “Hermit”. The thought of spending hours on a tour bus with a bunch of wild men just doesn’t do it for me anymore. The parties, drugs and drinking would probably kill me at my age. My drug of choice these days is “Aleve”.

    The only way adventuring out on a tour bus would be acceptable would be if I had a bus of my own and I could go to the Grand Canyon or something. Screw performing on a stage under all those hot lights. I freaking hate to sweat now. Gross.

    So I am moving in the direction of being a famous writer. No bus, I can work from home in my pajamas and the most leaving my house I will ever have to do would be for a book tour, which is right up my alley. Hundreds of people lined up for me to autograph their books and pose for a photo sounds pretty cool, as long as they put me up in a swanky hotel.

    The Holiday Inn Express is not going to cut it, people. I am talking a baby grand piano in my room (no, I don’t play piano but maybe I will hire someone to play for me all night long), ocean view (for the places I have to go that will not have an ocean (God forbid) there better be a river, stream, lake or a damn drainage ditch under my window) and someone to fetch me milk and cookies, then tuck me in. A kiss on the forehead would be okay as long as the person is majorly attractive.

    The one worry I really have about this whole writer thing is when one of my books is actually made into a movie and I must attend a red carpet event. I do not wear dresses. Ever. So if they really wanted me to attend, then I would have to go ultra casual and comfy. I would leave my pajamas at home, but I might be able to get away with wearing those pajama jeans. Put a nice shirt with those things and no one would ever know the difference.

    I hope to see you all real soon out in the book signing lines. I suppose that means there will be a book published, but that isn’t a problem. I am positive I can whip out a bestseller in 2-3 days tops. I mean if Tila Tequila, Paris Hilton and Snooki can write a book, then this will be a breeze.

     

     


  4. Joplin, MO–One Year After the Storm

    May 22, 2012 by C.

    A Joplin Neighborhood- photo from CBS News

    A year ago today, the town I live in was turned upside down by an EF-5 tornado. For someone that has not experienced a tornado it is difficult to understand exactly what extent of damage we are talking about. Just imagine you came home one day and your home was now a pile of wood, bricks, sheet rock and insulation. All of your belongings are underneath all of the mess (if you are lucky) or blown away never to be recovered again. You can’t find your dog or your cat. You are hoping your wife had not made it home from work yet, but you cannot reach her because you have no cell phone service. That was the situation for thousands of Joplin residents that day.

    Overall, there were 7500 houses damaged or destroyed by the tornado. There were also 553 businesses impacted.  The numbers vary, but around 25% of the town was destroyed. 161 lives were lost.

    Roughly an hour after the storm had passed my mother and I went to Wal-mart and bought shovels, rakes, flashlights, gloves and bottles of water. Our immediate thought was to help them find as many people as possible as quickly as possible. The goal was to drive as close as possible to the damaged area and deliver the items to the people that needed it the most.

    The things we saw that night will be remembered as long as we live. We would stop at various check points trying to off-load the items, but that person would send us in even further. By the time our journey ended, we were a block from St. John’s hospital. The entire area looked like a bomb had exploded. Cars crumpled into balls, houses in piles as far as you could see, people running around screaming the names of their loved ones or neighbors that they had not yet located.

    When I got home that night, I sat and cried for hours.

    A year has passed and we are healing as a community. Led by our strong city government with assistance from the state government, we are quickly clearing the debris out and re-building. As of May 1st, 446 of the 553 businesses destroyed have either re-opened already or are in the process of re-opening. That is an amazing amount of progress in just a year.

    The real heroes here are all of the volunteers that have come to spend their time in Joplin. They tore down buildings, cleared lots, packed up things or helped at the emergency shelters. As of the end of April, Joplin had the help of 130,009 volunteers. What an incredible demonstration of the human spirit! We are so grateful for each and every person that gave money or time to help get us back up on our feet again.

    There are many that ask why we live here in the middle of tornado alley…why not move to another state that doesn’t have tornadoes? The only answer I have is this is our home. Joplin is a great place to raise kids, has a low cost of living and the people here are exceptional. Before FEMA could move in to assist, we took care of our own as best we could. There was no complaining, “Why us?” The attitude was, “What can I help you with, neighbor?” I don’t think you would find that in very many towns across this nation.

    We will never forget May 22nd, 2011 and the lives that were lost, but we are ready to move forward and make Joplin even stronger and better than before.

    “Remember, rebuild, rejoice”

  5. Strep Emergency

    May 18, 2012 by C.

    I spent most of the night in the emergency room last night. I was escorting my friend Kim, who was experiencing crippling leg cramps. Since she could hardly walk is seemed like she should be checked out in case of a blood clot.

    We arrived around midnight. With only one lady ahead of us, I had high hopes for quick treatment and release.  Sometimes I am so dumb.

    Once called back a very young almost Dr. comes in to check Kim over and decides to run some tests. So we waited, but our wait was not without entertainment.

    We shared our room with a big baby teenager and her mother. Only a thin curtain separated us. They were giving her pain meds in her IV when we walked in. I would guess she was around 18-years-old.

    Wussy: “Is this going to help? I think I am dying I am in so much pain.”
    Nurse: “It shouldn’t take too long at all and you will get some relief.”

    An hour passes. She was punching the call button.

    Wussy: “Ok, like I really need more pain meds because this one isn’t working at all. All it is doing is making me sleepy. I am in pain…I don’t need a nap…get it????”
    Intercom Nurse: “Someone will be in.”

    Nurse enters.

    Nurse: “Sorry, we cannot give you any other medication right now. I promise it will start working soon.”
    Wussy: “Well all I want to do is sleep, but I am in some serious pain.”
    Nurse: “It will get better.” *as she runs from the room*

    So the young lady decides to call everyone she knows…

    “Hi, it’s me. Yea, like I am in the hospital hooked to IVs and stuff. I will take a picture and send it to you. What are you doing? (Please note the time is now 2:00am).

    “God, why are you trying to get me off the phone? I am in the hospital dying!”

    “Whatever. Was Cooper really mad that I left so abruptly and ruined our friend time?”

    “Well, I couldn’t help it. My chest was hurting. I could hardly breathe….I really feel horrible. No telling what is wrong with me.”

    “Ah, you are trying to get me off the phone again. Fine. Bye!”

    She makes another call:

    “Hey what are you doing? (the time is now 2:30am). Guess where I am? The emergency room. I will send you a picture. I feel like I am dying. Seriously. I have had seven different medications already! Saline (sorry this made me snicker just a bit), something for nausea, a pain med and other stuff.”

    “Ok, ok. Bye, geez.”

    The Dr. enters.

    Dr: “Ok, well you have tested positive for strep throat. We can give you a shot to get you started or give you some pills.”

    Wussy: “A shot??????????????????????? Oh, no.”
    Mom: “One shot and you will be feeling better soon. I would do it.”
    Wussy: “Ok.”

    Nurse enters with The Shot.

    Nurse: “Ok, I will need to give this to you in your hip again.”
    Wussy: “Oh my God, not in the same place ok??? I am going to freak out! Did you get the air bubbles out of it??? Go slow!!!!”

    Kim had just been crying from being in so much pain (although they never gave her pain medication). But we could no longer contain ourselves.We both burst out laughing. Everything got extremely quiet in the room and then we hear…

    Wussy: “I am so embarrassed. These meds are making me act crazy.”

    We were released shortly after that (the time is now 3:45 am).

    I have had strep on several occasions. It is pretty miserable, but not so miserable I decided to go to the emergency room. And my Mother tells me all the time I am a wussy because I have never birthed any babies.

    “That my dear, is real pain. It doesn’t even compare to this pain you have from having your toenail removed. Now suck it up!”

    My shrink says she does love me…really.

    My trip to the ER was so entertaining that I may have to go hang out there at least one night a week for further blog inspirations.


  6. The 5-Hour Energy Experiment

    May 17, 2012 by C.

     

     

     

    I had seen the commercials on TV…the football star, the busy housewife and the guy at the gym. 5-Hour Energy (4 calories, no crash and the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee) might be my solution to becoming the perfect housekeeper.  My curiosity got the best of me so I bought a few bottles. Since I am larger than the average person, I bought a six pack thinking, one bottle would not even get me off the couch.

     

    As I downed the first bottle there were all sorts of thoughts running through my head…would this change me forever? Would I be come an addict? Would I be stationed in front of Wal-Mart with a sign begging for money so I could get my $2.99 fix?  It’s too late now…I sat still for about 30 minutes waiting for it to kick in…nothing. I headed to the kitchen and downed bottle number two. The stuff tasted like cough medicine, but if I can get my house spotless then I could suffer through the nasty taste. I certainly had had worst tasting stuff in my mouth before this.

     

    I didn’t wait much longer before swigging down bottle number three. After doing a few quick calculations, I came to realize with my size and the amount of work that needed to be done this third bottle should do the trick.

     

    The first thing I noticed were my hands shaking. It became less noticeable as I cleaned the shower. On my way to cleaning out the refrigerator I noticed my heart racing extremely fast…so fast I thought it might just explode. I had that fridge done top to bottom in 15 minutes! This stuff is for real.

     

    After the fridge, I had this huge desire to take up basket weaving or maybe origami. I needed to d0 something and do it right now. As I was loading up in the car to pick up some reed at Hobby Lobby to start weaving my baskets, it hit me. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. While doing my business I began to notice things, my hands felt like they were on fire, my heart was going even faster than before, I was compulsively counting the number of popcorns that were sticking out from the ceiling. Who came up with the idea for popcorn ceilings?? That is what I will do next, I thought, scrape all the ceilings in the house to get rid of the popcorn.

     

    After washing my hands I realized things were getting black in the room and I felt horribly hot and dizzy. I thought I should rest for a bit and then get on with scraping those ceilings. When I came to I was wearing a swimsuit and goggles. The bed was completely wet and my face was lying in a pool of drool. I didn’t want to spend time figuring out exactly why the bed was wet so I got up and out of bed. My head had such pressure in it I thought it was going to blow up. Maybe this energy drink thing had not been such a wise idea after all.

     

    Not again. Yes, another trip back to the bathroom. “Oh my God, I have drunk from the vial of death!” I thought. Now I know what the little man on the bottle is running from…the grim reaper.

     

    No one will be looking for me until Monday and the last thing I wanted was to be found dead in this swimsuit. I began digging around in my closet for something to put on when I had to dash to the bathroom again. I began to pray, “Dear God, please do not let me die on the toilet like Elvis. I swear to you I will never take anything like this again and the minute I can stop going to the bathroom I will go donate 20% of my income to the church (nothing like trying to bribe God) Amen.”

     

    The hours went by and I started feeling better. This stuff is only supposed to last for 5 hours but it is now 10pm and I am not the least bit tired. I would love to go finish the ceilings, but I am scared that any sudden movement will start up the explosive diarrhea again. So here I sit at the computer blogging about my experience.

     

    People listen to me. I do not approve of 5-Hour Energy drinks. Maybe if you need to lose 20 pounds before a wedding to fit in a dress, but other than that I do not approve of this product. If you need energy take some vitamins, get more sleep and exercise. Your toilet will thank you.

     

     

     


  7. Memories Of "Only The Best Darn Mom In The Whole Wide World"

    May 13, 2012 by C.

    I look real thrilled to have a sister huh??

    As part of her Mother’s Day gift, I asked my mom to write a blog post and I would put it on here no matter what embarrassing stories she might tell. As much as it pains me to release stories about my imaginary friends, I will keep my promise. Happy Mother’s Day to all you ladies out there!

    Mom Memories—

    I may have overstated my afore mentioned title, but when you’ve raised the greatest two women in the world, it’s hard to be humble.
    I was asked if I have any special memories of my girls. Are you joking? Of course I do and I need to tell you before I suffer another memory lapse.
    My first born, my wonder child, my little sunshine, the apple of my critical eye, the joy of my life, my little genius (Are you getting the picture?) was my Chanin Bohannin. Nicknamed by her maternal Grandpa.
    By the time Chan turned 3 years old, I finally realized she was possibly a little on the lonely side since she was still an only child. This came to my attention when I heard her playing alone in her room and she was having a conversation with her cousin, “Ike-Ike”. You see Chan lived in Tennessee and Ike-Ike lived in Oklahoma. I thought we live in an older neighborhood-all our friends were older with much older children and she was still an only child. This is just a phase I thought.
    After a few months passed, she concocted an invisible puppy. Puppy went with us everywhere riding in Chan’s pocket. Puppy (which was the puppy’s name) became a very important part of our family. He was fed, brushed, walked and played with everyday for months.
    A few more months passed and Puppy was still there, but a new “friend” came on the scene. Chan was playing in her room on a cold rainy morning and again I heard her side of a full-blown conversation. When I asked if she was talking to Puppy or Ike-Ike, she said, “No. I have a new friend…Fat Albert.”
    So I asked her, “Where is Fat Albert because I don’t see him?”
    She informed me that Fat Albert was hiding because he only wanted her, Puppy and Ike-Ike to be his friend.
    “Mom you are too old to be friends with Fat Albert,” she said.
    Fat Albert was with us for another year when Chan was presented with her beautiful baby sister, Brennen. Since Chanin had demanded a baby brother, Baby Brennen was not accepted in that lovely southern lady-like manner I had expected Chan to display. Chanin suddenly started behaving like “The Bad Seed.”
    You may wonder, “Are your daughters close now?” Well, of course. Chanin finally grew out of all that nonsense. Of course that was after years of therapy for both of the girls. You know what they say-“It’s always the mother’s fault”.
    Love you Chanin and Brennen more than you will ever realize.
    Happy Mother’s Day to Me!!!!!

  8. Cellphones Better Than Sex To Some

    May 13, 2012 by C.

    A recent survey by Meredith Parents Network revealed that 12% of women ages 18-35 are using their cellphones during sex. It is unfortunate that the survey did not allow these women to reveal exactly what they were doing with the phones during sex. Playing “Draw Something” or just using the vibrate function? Watching missed “Housewives of New Jersey” episodes or porn?

    Maybe they might be updating their Facebook status…

    “OMG, I wish he would hurry up and get off me already. Kardashians starts in 10. Looks like I will have to fake it AGAIN.”

    Or Tweeting…
    “#bored…sex is so overrated. Would rather be watching TV right now. Hurry UP!!”

    The first thought that came to mind reading this is that 12% of men are doing something horribly wrong. It really shouldn’t be that difficult to keep a woman’s attention during sexy time. If nothing else, promise her a tub of Hagen Dazs if she can leave the phone on the night stand for ten minutes straight without touching it. Women will do anything for ice cream.

    If all else fails, bang her head into the headboard and knock some damn sense into her, because it really is rude no matter how bad it is.


  9. Harvard Baseball Rules

    May 10, 2012 by C.

    Let me come clean. This little song is growing on me. Carly Rae Jepsen is her name and “Call Me Maybe” is being played just about as much as Bieber these days. I saw this video and just had to share. It makes me laugh. These boys must spend way too much time on buses.

     


  10. Best Product Promotion Ever

    May 6, 2012 by C.

    A prize in every box!

    Cindy Davidson of Salt Lake City, UT bought some discount tampons and pulled out a prize from one of the boxes.

    Tightly wound and taped up in the box of Boots brand tampons was some cocaine.

    After spending time trying to get the package open she called her sister to get her opinion.

    “I started getting nervous because I thought it might have been a terrorist attack,” she told KSL-TV. “I called my sister first and said I was going to call the manufacturer the next day and she told me to call the police.”

    Boy, those terrorists are getting smart. Waging a war on the women of America’s vaginas. If TSA starts making women pull out their tampons for inspection, I will either stop traveling or have a sex change.

    Don’t you just know some drug dealer in Vegas is completely pissed off? He is digging through mountains of tampons and can’t find his shit. I bet someone will get beheaded over this one.

    Personally, I think this was a genius way for the Boots company to sell some tampons. I bet after this story ran there was not a box of Boots left in the country. If this woman would have been smart she would have ran right back to that salvage and recovery store (what kind of dipshit buys tampons at a salvage store??) and bought every box they had left. Selling it would have paid for many a Mormon mission trip. At the very least she would have been able to afford to buy her tampons at Wal-mart like the rest of us.

    Tampax corporation needs to pay attention to this. Screw the Pearl! I want some coke with my tampons. Can you imagine how clean my damn house would be? I wouldn’t be near as angry nor would I gain my average five pounds per period, because I wouldn’t be sitting around stuffing boxes of Russell Stover candies, cupcakes and Taco flavored Doritos in my piehole all while watching re-runs of “House Hunters”, screaming at the TV, “You are gonna buy that one because your husband is a cheap-ass bastard!”

    If I could only come across some cannabis in my Midol bottle, this menstruation thing wouldn’t be near as difficult to deal with.