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June, 2012

  1. Foamophobic Tendencies

    June 28, 2012 by C.

     

     

     

     

     

    Last night my Mom called and said she had a surprise for me and I needed to come over and get it. Also, she couldn’t connect to the Internet (she is finally using the laptop we got her for Christmas) and she needed me to fix it.

     

    The minute I walked in she tells me she has been using the Internet to read my blog (Uh-oh) and that I curse entirely too much.

     

    Me: “Seriously? I might have one or two words per post…sometimes none at all. How much is too much to you?”

     

    Mom: “There should not be any cursing in your blog. Have you ever heard of Erma Bombeck? She never cursed at all and she had books, a newspaper column, was on TV and made a pretty good living…very funny lady. You should be more like her.”

     

    Me: “Yes, I have heard of her, but I’ve never read any of her books.”

     

    Mom: “Well, maybe it is damn time you did. I raised you better than this.”

     

    Me:” Um, you just cursed and I was raised in a bar. I knew more about the world at age 13 than most people know at 40.”

     

    Mom: “You were raised in a restaurant that just happened to have a bar.”

     

    Me: “What is my surprise?” *this was going nowhere*

     

    Mom: “Oh, here open it.”

     

    I unwrapped a Wal-mart bag containing  two cans of wasp spray.**

     

    Me: “Wasp spray, awesome. Thanks!”

    She proceeds to tell me that a friend of hers is constantly sleeping in the same bed with another woman, but the woman claims they are just best friends.

    Mom: “They do this even when other beds are available!  They must be lesbians.”

     

    Me: “Hmmm Mom, I really don’t know. I also really don’t care, so I am curious as to why you care so much?”

     

    Mom: “I don’t know…I just thought it was weird. Especially from someone who is so foamophobic. She just goes on and on about how they scare her.”

    Long pause. Staring at her and trying to decide which old folks home to have haul her off after I leave her house.

     

    Me: “Foamophobic?????”

     

    Mom: “Yea, isn’t that the word for when someone is really afraid of homosexuals? Like they think they might catch it if they touch them or something?”

     

    Another long pause. This conversation was actually taking place and not some sort of weird dream.

     

    Me: “Mom, I have never heard of foamophobic before, unless it is a fear of memory foam mattress pads, but who would fear those? They are just heavenly. I think the word you were looking for is homophobic.”

     

    Mom: *starts laughing uncontrollably* “Why did I say foamophobic?? I know it is homophobic! I am losing my mind.”

     

    Me: “What is more important in an old folks home to you? Group games and crafts or getting your poopy diaper changed within 12 hours of soiling them? We can’t afford both, so one or the other.”

     

    Mom: “You are so hateful.”

     

    Me: “Yea, you raised me to be this way. Oh, by the way this conversation will be in a blog tomorrow.”

     

    Mom: “When I figure out how to leave a comment you are in big trouble!”

     

     

    ** There has been an abundance of wasps swarming around my front door and hers. I have been deemed the official exterminator of both units. My last experience drained an entire can on her front porch and a wasp came after me. I had to run, people. I only do that when a person wielding a weapon is chasing me. But I figured with my dumb luck I might be deathly allergic to wasp stings and therefore I was being chased by an armed flying insect. Death was near.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  2. Million Dollar TV

    June 23, 2012 by C.

    Carter Oosterhouse= hot handyman

     

     

     

     

    Like most women, I watch my fair share of HGTV. A show that I look forward to each week is “Million Dollar Rooms” hosted by hottie Carter Oosterhouse. It airs on Tuesday  nights 7:30pm central. Aside from the eye-candy host, it completely amuses me to see what people are stupid enough to waste their money on.

    I try to put myself in their position. My bank account has millions of dollars in it just sitting around on shelves in the vault, so why not blow it on a rock-climbing wall in my house? Or heck, let’s just put a zoo in our backyard. The grand-kids will love it until the monkey mistakes their little fingers for miniature bananas.

    Indoor basketball and tennis courts, 50’s diners, massage rooms, disco rooms, massive aquariums, shooting range, movie theaters, bowling alleys and last but not least a $10 million dollar indoor pool room. With $10 million to spend on one room of my house, I am afraid I would put in a Papa John’s and Walgreens so I would never have to leave the house again.

    Every episode has me wondering what in the hell these people do for a living to afford all this useless stuff? Many of the homes were shown by real estate brokers and you don’t get to see the actual owner (I assume this is because they are horribly embarrassed by what they have wasted their money on and don’t want beaten up the next time they are shopping at Sam’s Club). They must have invented something awesome like the Boyfriend Pillow.

     

     

     

    I mean seriously…this is freaking awesome. Splash a little cologne on the shirt (not sure why he didn’t come wearing a pajama top, but I went ahead and made one for him myself) and  you really never need a man around except for killing rodents.

    Clearly I did not pass Home Economics class.

    Now, where was I? Oh yes, people spending their money on stupid shit. One episode had Barbi Benton sharing her tacky house off to the cameras. You remember Barbi…she was in Playboy back in the 70’s and is known for her “Hee Haw” appearances. This episode proves that all the money in the world cannot buy you an ounce of decorating taste. If you don’t believe me, let me show you what her front yard looks like.

    WTF??????????????????????

     

    While I don’t know these people and what they do with the rest of their money, it just seems they could find something better to do with it. Donate it, start a charity, see the world or just give it to me.


  3. Me and My Ketchup

    June 19, 2012 by C.

     

    I need this shirt!

     

     

    “Ain’t nothing ketchup cain’t fix.” Jared from My Big Redneck Vacation 

     

    I think most people at some point outgrow their love of ketchup. Being a kid and drowning your McDonald’s nuggets in ketchup is one thing, being an adult and eating ketchup on a $40 steak is a whole other situation.

    Ketchup and I have a long history. Maybe I should be more specific. Heinz ketchup and I have a long history. Hunt’s is disgusting. The cheap off-brands insult my taste buds. It is Heinz or I don’t eat it.

    When I was a teenager I would tell people my dream job would be to work for Heinz in Pittsburgh and have season tickets to Steelers games. I could not imagine a better life. An employee discount on ketchup and attending every home game of my favorite football team…no one would have it better than me.

    When I was in college, I took a class called “Marketing Strategy”. 70% of our grade was a project we would work on to complete a marketing strategy for a major corporation. Of course I picked Heinz. I had to write the company to send me some information (this was before the internet so I couldn’t just send an email or do the research). When my giant package arrived from Heinz I was thrilled. They even sent me a nice note on their letterhead, which I thought was really cool. But the very best part of the package was the coupons they sent me for free Heinz ketchup. Hell yeah!

    I worked on this project for over a month and received a ‘B” for it and for the class. The real reward was learning so much about the company I loved.

    Now as an adult, I still love Heinz ketchup and the unfortunate part of that is sometimes having issues at restaurants. The issues involve people staring at me or making comments while I eat. They are disgusted by what I put my ketchup on. The main item I get the most flack for is biscuits. I don’t eat biscuits and jelly or biscuits and gravy like a normal person. I just want a plain biscuit that I will dip into ketchup. For some reason, this seriously bothers folks.

    “Henry, did you see her dip her biscuit in ketchup?”

    “Martha, you need to mind your own business.”

    “But Henry, that’s just disgusting!”

    This happens all the time.

    It isn’t just biscuits though. I pretty much eat ketchup on everything. Eggs, carrots (cooked), baked potatoes, steaks, meatloaf, fried shrimp, pot roast, fried fish, fried chicken, chicken fried steak and pinto beans with cornbread to name just a few.

    To make my ketchup addiction even more puzzling…I hate tomatoes. I have a “BL” instead of a “BLT”. If someone puts tomatoes on my salad, I pick them all out before even attempting to eat it. Maybe all this proves is I am horribly addicted to sugar since that is what makes those mashed up tomatoes taste so good.

    Nothing makes me more proud than to watch my niece and nephew suck down packets of ketchup. It makes me feel like they have a small part of me in them. But then I realize they are just normal and will grow out of it long before I will.

     

     

     

     


  4. Happy Pills=Winning!

    June 16, 2012 by C.

    Awwww, Charlie loves me!


  5. Avoid Thy Neighbor

    June 13, 2012 by C.

     
    Unless you are giving me a check from Publishers Clearing House

     

     

     

     

    It seems most people enjoy having neighbors. I know of  people who stay in touch with neighbors even after they have moved out-of-state. This just puzzles me. I go out of my way to avoid my neighbors. The less they know about me the better.

     

    I have lived in this neighborhood for five years now and the only neighbor that I know at least by first name is the paramedic across the street. The only reason I know her name is because her dog Zoe loves to come and hump me when she sees me in the front yard. You don’t have much choice but to act neighborly when someone is trying to remove their animal from your leg. Besides, I might need her assistance one of these days after a wild moment with my Thigh Master. Suzanne Somers really should have put warning labels on those things.

     

    Some neighbors give you no choice but to get to know them. Even if it isn’t face to face.

    I opened my garage door and was heading to move the trash bin down to the curb. I hear a man talking and he was speaking so loudly, I had no choice but to hear what was going on.

    Bald Drew Carey neighbor: “You did too send me photos of your tits! Don’t deny it!”

    *Ok, I might have paused at this point and just stood to listen to the man sitting in a lawn chair on his driveway having this conversation with the mystery tramp*

    Then I realized bald Drew had this woman on speaker phone.

    Sextress: “Oh my God! I never sent you pictures of my tits. Prove it!”

    Baldy: *now smoking a cig*  “Well, of course I deleted the pictures off my phone. What if I died or something and my wife found those pictures?”

    Now when I drive by his house and see him standing in the driveway chatting on his cell phone, I contemplate for a moment losing control of my car and running him over. But I soon come to my senses and remember that prisons don’t allow Papa John’s deliveries or the use of memory foam mattresses. That is not the life for me.

    I just pray I am never involved in any sort of incident that involves the police interviewing my neighbors.

    Neighbor #1: “You mean someone actually lived there? I thought the house had been abandoned.”

    Neighbor #2: “No, I didn’t know her name. But have you talked to Keegan?”

    “Who is Keegan?” the policeman will ask.

    “Oh the dude that delivers Papa Johns to her house…I bet he will know her name.”

    Neighbor #3: “No, I never met her but she ordered the hell out of Schwan’s ice cream and the UPS dude dropped packages on her porch almost daily. I think she might have had a porn addiction.”

    Hmmmm…maybe it might be time to get to know my neighbors just a little bit. If for no other reason than to not have my poor family shocked by my alleged porn addiction.

     

     

     

     

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  6. Why I Am Still Scared of My Mother

    June 8, 2012 by C.

     

     

     I was raised in our family restaurant. One of these days, when I can sit down and focus on those years, I would bet I have enough stories to fill at least three books.  There was always something going on.

     This is one of my favorite stories. It is involves my mom and grandfather during one of their more insane moments.

     You would be surprised to know how often customers walk out without paying their bill. Occasionally, it would be someone who sincerely just forgot and those are easy to remedy fairly quickly.

    Unfortunately the majority of people are trying to get a free meal. We pretty much considered these people scum of the earth. I am not talking about a homeless person that is starving…we would always take care of those folks and not expect a dime. It is the people who come in and bring a group with them, order the biggest steaks on the menu and drink more than Lindsay Lohan could in a week.

    They were sly. One would go to the bathroom, then the second person. Finally the last person would get up and sneak out at our busiest moments. It was these people that we would chase after. Chasing after “walkers” was one of my favorite things about working in our restaurant.

    A waitress would run back to the kitchen and scream, “Walkers! We have walkers going out the back!”

    Everyone and I mean everyone would ensue pursuit out the back door. But the day this particular incident happened, my mom and grandfather were the first two to discover this guy had walked and he was running. My mom takes off after him with my grandfather in hot pursuit. The man hits the back door and is in a full on sprint. They know they will never ever catch him and that just won’t do. So my grandfather screams, “Shoot him! Just shoot his ass!”

    To which my mother replies, “I’ve got the gun!”

    We didn’t even keep a gun on the property. The man dropped to his knees, putting his hands behind his head and started whimpering, “Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! Please don’t shoot me, lady!”

    By this time the entire staff has surrounded him on the parking lot and he sees they don’t have a gun. To say the man was a little angry is a huge understatement.

    During his barrage of profanities, my mother lost her temper and slapped the man in the face. Hard.

    “Oh lady, you are gonna pay for that. I am going to have the police arrest you when they get here.”

    “Really? How many witnesses do you think we have here that will back up your story? Hmmm…I don’t see any. I seriously doubt they will believe such a thing from a man who just stole from a restaurant.”

    The police arrived and the man tried to have them haul my mom off too, but of course they didn’t listen to him. As my mom and grandpa were walking back into the restaurant, my grandpa looked at my mom and said, “You know, this is supposed to be fun. I think you might be taking this a little too seriously. Try to relax and have more fun with the next one.”


  7. A Letter to a Much Younger Me

    June 3, 2012 by C.

    Stop letting your mother dress you like that!

     

     

     

    Listen up young Chanin,

    You are now 40 and looking back there are so many things you could have done better, not done at all or saved yourself from worrying so much. You are such a serious kid. Far too scared of your parents for your own good (learn to deal with this…Mom is still pretty scary…this won’t get better).

    It is ok to not behave so perfectly all the time. This is the best time of your life. Let me repeat that, this is really truly the best time of your life. You have no bills to pay, no responsibilities, no back problems, acid reflux from hell and running is fun for you, not like now when you only run if Hannibal Lecter is chasing you.

    So my dear, here are a few tips to help you out in the future.

     

    • Save your money. When you turn 40, there will be a report that comes out that says all the money you have paid into Social Security will be gone by the time you turn 60. You will need every extra penny you can find. In this case, it is ok for you to steal change from Dad’s dresser. He won’t miss it and you will need it someday.
    • Invest in Apple stock. I know you have no clue what this is, but all that money you saved should be used to buy as much stock as possible in this company. Trust me.
    • You picked a great football team to worship. The Pittsburgh Steelers won’t ever let you down (well except for the 80’s and half of the 90’s, but at least you didn’t pick the Detroit Lions to root for).
    • When your parents divorce (Oops, sorry kid. Don’t worry though, it means you get double Christmas and birthday presents and you won’t have to listen to anymore fighting) strap your Star Wars figures to your chest like a bomb and fill a backpack up with the vehicles and Death Star. Don’t rely on one of the parents to pack these for you because they will disappear forever. These will be worth so much money when you are older and worth the effort.
    • Don’t complain about working all those hours at the family restaurant. The work you do will instill an amazing work ethic in you that most people do not have these days. It will make every single job you have after that seem like a walk in the park. It is very difficult to work with family, but you will find when you are older those days at the restaurant are some of your very best memories.
    • Love yourself. Don’t care so much what other people think of you. You are actually pretty cool.
    • You cannot change people. Stop wasting your time trying to fix other people. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want fixed.
    • Stop trying to kill your little sister (feeding her poisonous flower stems and tossing her out of a go-cart at high rates of speed). You will need each other to get through some tough times in the future. She will stop acting like a big dork…don’t worry.
    • You will make a decision to not have children. This is the best choice you possibly have ever made. You would be in prison right now. Prison is very similar to being sent to your room as punishment except they never let you out and there are no Star Wars figures to play with to make the time go by faster. Avoid prison.
    • Don’t complain about your braces. You did not have to pay for them and having nice teeth will be very important one day.
    • Stick with the guitar lessons. Yes, I know he wanted to train you to play classical music and your fingers were bleeding from all the practice you did, but people who play guitar get lots of action and travel the world doing something fun.
    • Set goals for yourself. Otherwise, you are going to muddle through your first 35 years with no clue what you want and no idea where you are going.
    • Friends are very important. Don’t blow them off when some hot mess comes calling. Hot messes are just that. Friends are forever yours if you treat them right.

    Last but not least, Chanin. Be grateful for everything in your life each and every day. You are a blessed young lady and you will have lots of cool experiences (don’t poop your britches but you will go to the Grammy Awards). If you are a grateful, positive person, people will always want to be around you.

    You can be whatever you want to be. There are no limits in this life with the right attitude. All you have to do is believe in yourself.

    With much love,

    The older and wiser Chanin