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July, 2012

  1. Mitt Romney Steals Girlfriends

    July 31, 2012 by C.

    Mitt Romney, I am gonna whip your ass!



    This is Lowell Turpin of Claxton, Tennessee. Lowell is not a smart man.


    When he saw a picture of Mitt Romney, he had no idea who he was. It gets worse than Lowell just being ignorant. He saw Mitt’s picture on his girlfriend’s (can you imagine what she looks like??) Facebook page and accused her of planning an affair with Mitt.


    He demanded to know who the man was, jerked her laptop away from her, smashed it into a wall and punched her in the face. Lowell is in jail and has been charged with domestic assault.

    It astonishes me that a person would not know Mitt Romney from a photo. I mean his face is everywhere…the news, magazines, newspapers, he was even at the Olympics.

    Stories like this really frighten me. An American that cannot recognize Romney, but I would bet a million bucks he would know Troy from “Swamp People” in a smoky bar with beer goggles on. What is the world coming to???

  2. Watch Out…Learning Photoshop

    July 29, 2012 by C.

  3. Candy For Sale…Bad Candy That Is

    July 26, 2012 by C.

    Hide her in your ex-husband’s house.

    I would like to introduce you to “Candy”. She is for sale on eBay for a bargain $24.95 plus $10.95 shipping and handling.

    Candy was discovered last week as I was searching for something unique to prank my buddy, Jimmy. This totally would have worked, but I started feeling bad and decided to send him tampon samples instead.

    I wanted to share the entire post with you all, but it is just too long. I think the small part I am going to share will give you the gist of just how nutty the person is that is selling this doll.



    Wow. I am the biggest scaredy-cat in the world and if this thing crawled in bed with me at night all on its own, I am certain I would have a heart attack. Give her a knife and she is the female version of “Chucky” except with a few more personal issues.

    When I was younger we had a ghost in our house. I never saw her, but my mom did. I did however see plenty of the little pranks she liked to play. Turning the TV on and off, changing the channel on the TV, opening every single cabinet and drawer in our kitchen and tapping on the walls. Needless to say, I moved out and left my mom and little sister to fend for themselves. I am no dummy.

    So, if you are interested in purchasing Candy, head on over to eBay. She would make the perfect gift for an ex-husband or  a mean boss. Even though I would be scared to death to have her, I am a little curious. If you buy her let me know how it goes and if you ever need to get rid of her, we can always call in Chucky to take her off your hands.

    Ohhhhhhhhh I love Candy!


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  4. Trading TVs For Guns

    July 25, 2012 by C.

    What a thing of beauty!



    This is my TV. As you can see it is the size of a Toyota Prius. It took four men to get it into my house when I moved back to Missouri. I bought her (yes, my TV is a she and her name is Tara P. Telly) in 2004 from Best Buy and paid a fortune for it.

    My living room is quite small and I felt it might be time to act like an adult and buy something called a couch. It is hard to seat six people on my two theater chairs. It was time to sell Tara.

    So I put an ad on Facebook. No one responded (because most of my friends have seen this monster up close and have no desire to move it). I then listed it on Craigslist. I had a couple of guys respond and make appointments to see her, but they never showed up. But the other night was my best offer yet.


    ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
    ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
    ** More Info:

    Would you be interested in trading a gun for the TV


    Would I be interested in trading a gun for my TV???? How did he know I am obsessed with weaponry right now? It is like he was reading my mind. I seriously had to consider this offer for a moment. If this man had said to trade her for a crossbow it would have been a done deal, people. Guns still make me a little nervous. So I replied.

    “No thanks! Guns kill people. Got a crossbow???????????”

    For some reason I never heard from him again.

    My co-worker, Kori, has sold my TV for me (the reward for her hard work… she is now a huge internet star thanks to me mentioning her name…you’re welcome). The new owner will come pick her up next week. I must admit I am very sad about this. Tara and I have been through a bunch of things together…three Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl trips, Adam Lambert performing on American Idol, True Blood marathons and epic video game parties…just to name a few. She will be missed.

    This will hopefully be her replacement:

    What’s my name, bitches???


    That is an 80 inch TV that will hang on the wall so I can still have a giant TV and a couch. Yep, I am damn smart.


    So he/she needs a name. Let’s have a contest. You submit your name suggestions and I pick a winner. A prize you ask???

    You are picking the name of my 2nd child. Isn’t that enough??



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  5. My Backyard = The Wild Kingdom

    July 23, 2012 by C.

    How can this precious thing chew my ass off?



    Mom called me last night.

    “Have you taken a look in the backyard lately?? she asked.

    Mom and I live in a duplex. She has one side and I have the other. Our backyard is one big open area surrounded by a privacy fence.

    “Nope. What’s up?” I asked.

    “There is something very large living in our backyard. It has destroyed your pool, opened up the storage shed doors and flipped over patio furniture. I saw it. Damn thing is HUGE. I think it must weigh at least 40 pounds, ” she says.

    Both of the fence gates are padlocked. The only way for an animal to enter our yard would be to belly crawl under the fence or they build an animal cheer pyramid and the top animal back-flips over.

    “What did it look like?” I ask.

    “Very large and brown and scary looking. I know you…you are just wanting to go out there and confront it. Well don’t. That damn thing will eat your ass off!” she said.

    I don’t know how I stop myself from bursting out laughing when she says things like this because she is so serious.

    “Mom, do you think it could have been a ground-hog?” I calmly asked.

    “Ground hog? Are you nuts? Those don’t get as big as this thing is,” she replied.

    “They are pretty big, Mom. But it is probably a baby grizzly bear or something, because that is more likely,” I said.

    ” Don’t get smart with me! I don’t know what it is, but the next time I see it I am calling those animal control people to come get it. DON’T YOU DARE GO OUT IN THAT YARD FOR ANYTHING!” she said.

    I got off the phone with her and snuck out in the backyard (you might be able to hear her screaming when she reads this…just be thankful she still hasn’t figured out how to leave comments).  I did take a baseball bat with me just in case.

    That is heavy lifting for an animal.



    Whatever this thing is, it had somehow moved all these concrete blocks that were wedged to hold the storage shed door closed. Impressive no matter what kind of animal we are talking about.



    Then I went over to inspect my giant swimming pool. Ok, it is a sad little pool, but it is hotter than hell here and sometimes it is just nice to float around in 90 degree water.


    You little bastard!




    This pool was 10 feet wide and 3 feet deep, but no more. Mom’s theory is it jumped on my pool trying to get to some water. Its large bear claws shredded my pool and deflated it. I guess all my summer fun is over because I am not filling it up again. Bastard bear ruined my summer.


    It also looks like the bear tried to sunbathe in my chair after his swim in my pool. The giant groundhog must have scared him away in such a hurry, he flipped the chair over backwards.


    Ground hogs are very scary



    I inspected the whole yard and found nothing. I was prepared to battle a baby grizzly, chupacabra or an anaconda. Whatever it was, it is long gone now, but I hope it visits again just to get my mom wound up. She says some funny stuff when stressed. You would think she would have learned by now that I write what she says on my blog. Or maybe she is enjoying being an internet star and is coming up with this stuff on purpose. Maybe she will leave a comment and let us know which it is. BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!













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  6. Officially Obsessed With “The Walking Dead”

    July 21, 2012 by C.

    I made the mistake of buying Season One of “The Walking Dead” on Blu-ray. I watched all six episodes back to back without taking a bathroom break or snacking on Oreos. That is really saying something.

    A few weeks ago, they played Season Two in a marathon on AMC. I have it all taped and have been watching it as much as possible. I have three episodes left. Season Three starts in October and I cannot wait.

    My favorite character is Daryl. He is a redneck with a crossbow. So between Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games) and Daryl, I want to shoot things with an arrow. Preferably Zombies. So I am saving up for yet another Ebay purchase.

    Zombies…ready or not here I come!



    How freaking cool is this thing? You need to use these to kill zombies because guns make too much noise (noise is like ringing a Zombie dinner bell) and if time permits you can rip your arrow out of the zombie’s head and re-use it. With a gun, once you are out of ammo you= Zombie snack.

    I cannot believe this is only $100 on Ebay (shipping is free!). Once I get it in the mail, I will purchase a bale of hay and strap on a Zombie head to use as a target. I haven’t quite figured out what to do if one of my arrows strays and maims a neighbor. I will try to have that all sorted out before I start shooting.

    I imagine I will look like the female version of Daryl. With this on my shoulder, no one would ever screw with me. Not even those bath salt crazies.

    This man is the Zombie Terminator.



    Is crossbow shooting an Olympic sport? I am going to start training and be ready for the 2016 Olympics or the Zombie Apocalypse, whichever comes first.



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  7. Master Chef Epic Fail

    July 20, 2012 by C.

    The real deal




    Back in March, I got a coupon from my favorite website, for two people to take a cooking class from Le Cordon Bleu for the price of one. They offered a wide range of classes on all sorts of cooking. I finally settled on the “Cookies and Confections” class because the date worked well and I have a sugar addiction.

    The closest Cordon Bleu to me is in St. Louis. So I took a friend and my mom up to St. Louis for a weekend just to take a cooking class. I thought it was something different to do and they give you food, so it’s a win-win really.

    My family owned a restaurant for many years. Going into this cooking class I thought I had a competitive advantage over the other students (because everything I do is a competition or it isn’t fun). Boy, was I wrong.

    They give you one of those really tall chef hats and a black Le Cordon Bleu apron (that you get to take home with you and wear while making toast). Things started rough for me. For the life of me I could not get my apron neck strap to stay hooked. So I continuously bugged my friend to help me out.

    “Kim, can you fix this for me?” I asked. This was the 10th time I asked her.

    “Again???????????????????????????????” she snarled.

    Yes, I am a dipshit.

    Our chef was Karen and she said if we put a picture of her on Facebook she would stab us with a meat thermometer. Okey dokey. Karen brought in three of her students to help us out. We made marshmallows, graham crackers (we had smores…they didn’t trust us to make the chocolate for some reason), these meringue things with filling, peanut brittle and spiced oatmeal raisin cookies.

    Karen would demonstrate as we gathered around her and then we would go back to our stations to give it a whirl on our own. It became clear immediately I needed a full-time supervisor. I was not paying attention to the labels on my tray that said MARSHMALLOWS and took the baking soda for the COOKIES and used it as gelatin for the marshmallows. Oops.

    Then while making the peanut brittle, I did some fancy Gordon Ramsey move and flicked the whisk with hot sticky sugar and a glob of it landed on my hand. So off I go to First Aid. Take a look.

    This hurts soooooooooooo bad people! Possibly worse than having babies.




    Hmmmm the photo kind of looks like an arm pit now, making this a far more serious injury from the looks of the arm pit blister. Saggy arm pit blister. Sorry, I promise that is my hand. Let’s move on, shall we?

    This injury pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the trip. I couldn’t drive or write or really do much of anything. I had to have someone else feed me because holding a fork was far too painful. Gordon Ramsey is a jerk. Just look at what he has done to me.

    It was a fun class. It is something I would gladly do again. The issue I had is we made things that any Grandma can make. Oatmeal Raisin cookies…peanut brittle? I wanted to make some fancy cookies. If I was going to lose the use of my hand forever, I needed something impressive, damn it. Something like this…

    Fancy snooty cookies












    Instead of boring peanut brittle…I wanted to make some fancy candy. Like this crystal meth candy. That is crystal meth inside there, isn’t it? I don’t know much about drugs, but meth makes a very pretty piece of candy.


    This stuff will make you smell like cat pee and lose all your teeth.



    Kim and I returned to the hotel with stacks of food in our arms. My mom was thrilled and especially loved the Grandma cookies. She insisted I take some down to the front desk clerk. My mom thinks this is still the 50’s or something. The clerk thought I was trying to poison her and I heard them make a loud thump in the trash can as I walked away.

    On our way out-of-town, Mom wanted to stop at this restaurant she had heard about called The Blue Owl. The food was wonderful and their bake shop was just amazing. Our waitress Hannah was a sweetheart and even went to get the owner to come speak to us. Mary has a story very similar to Paula Deen’s in that her husband moved her to Missouri from Galveston, Texas and then left her. Mary started making desserts to pay the bills and eventually that turned into owning The Blue Owl.  Paula Deen and her two sons recently visited and  The Blue Owl will be featured in Oprah magazine. So, if you are ever near St. Louis go by and check this place out. Mary is mainly famous for her Caramel Pecan Levee High Apple Pie. Have you ever seen such a thing???

    Can you say sugar coma??



    Back at home I decided to look online to see which class I wanted to take next. I am thinking “French Classics” on October 20th. Who’s with me???? Just make sure you work in another station in case I get wild and crazy again. At the very least, I will entertain you with my lack of kitchen skills in those three hours. It might just be worth the price of admission.

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  8. I Love Ebay

    July 18, 2012 by C.

    My latest Ebay purchase. I know you are jealous.

  9. Lipitor Love

    July 17, 2012 by C.

    Apparently very bad stuff.



    I am always looking to save a buck, especially on medications. Last week I got a nifty card in the mail that would allow me to fill my Lipitor prescription for just $4 a month. At the time I was paying $30. At my Doctor visit I asked him to write me a new script and I would go make an attempt to get this discount.

    So this evening I pull up at the drive-thru of a pharmacy only to be told I cannot get it for $4 because of my insurance, but they have recently knocked it down to $10 a month for my co-pay. Yipppeee!

    All of a sudden a booming voice comes on the intercom and says to me…

    “Miss, are you aware that you cannot even consider getting pregnant while taking this drug?”

    “Right, well sir, that isn’t a problem. Thanks for checking though,” I replied.

    “This is very serious ma’am (oh you did not just call me ma’am!). Your child could have birth defects if you’re impregnated while taking this drug,” he responded.

    I glance over at the car next to me praying they have not heard all of this. They must have been 100 and they did not approve of any of the conversation that was going down. You would have thought they heard me asking for a case of The Morning After Pill.

    Why couldn’t the guy just drop it? I mean my Doctor put me on it and we had this discussion already. Just fill the bottle up with some pills already…geez.

    “Let me put it to you this way…I have a better chance of being attacked by Zombies during the Apocalypse, than I have of getting impregnated any time soon. So please just fill the bottle up and shoot it out to me,” I replied.

    “Zombies are nothing to joke about. Have you not seen the news lately? The Apocalypse is coming and soon,” he said.

    Ladies and gentlemen, this just might be the man of my dreams. He has access to lots of pills and believes the Zombies are coming. What more can a girl ask for?

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  10. Christian Grey Revealed

    July 11, 2012 by C.

    Val Kilmer serial killer…not Christian Grey



    Dr. Faye Skelton wanted to get a composite of what Christian Grey looks like to women who have read 50 Shades of Grey. She consulted twelve women to help her with the drawing. They used the faces of various famous dudes like Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, David Beckham and Patrick Dempsey.

    This was not the man I had in mind when I read the book. I don’t know if these women had a ladies night out before their meeting and were half snockered or what. This is a young Val Kilmer. A scary young Val Kilmer.

    I thought long and hard about who should play Christian after I read the first book. Initially I was thinking Matt Bomer. But I have changed my mind. I am voting for Henry Cavill. This is my Christian Grey.

    Hubba Hubba


    Henry has the hair, looks great in a suit and is great with a whip (do not ask me how I know such things).

    I feel sorry for the casting director of this film. No matter who you pick for Christian and Anastasia, many will criticize the choice. Every woman in the world has a picture of Christian in her head and one of Anastasia for that matter. You just can’t please everyone.

    Give me some feedback. Who is your Christian and Anastasia?

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  11. Someone Actually Wants to Marry Paris Hilton

    July 9, 2012 by C.

    Paris Hilton rocks my world. Seriously.



    Fredrick Denney, 61, barricaded himself in a Hampton Inn this past Saturday threatening to shoot at the police. Belmont, NC had never seen such excitement. The SWAT team came out, the entire 2nd floor shut down and negotiations began.

    Money? A getaway car? No, Mr. Denney wanted a pizza and to marry Paris Hilton. He was finally pepper-sprayed and taken to a hospital for mental evaluation.

    I don’t think there is any question he is nuts. Why in the world would he want to marry Paris Hilton? I can see wanting a pizza. Stand-offs are hard work, people.

    Obviously, Paris did not consent to the marriage. Mainly because Fredrick was staying at a Hampton Inn, a white trash hotel compared to a Hilton.

    So it didn’t work out for him with Paris. I would bet the Octomom would marry him in a heartbeat.



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  12. Get “Gone Girl”

    July 4, 2012 by C.


    I rarely recommend books to anyone. I always have this fear that they will spend a few days of their life reading a book I told them about and absolutely hate it. Then blame me for wasting three days of their life.

    “I missed out on a “Golden Girls” marathon thanks to you and your stupid book. You have such taste for shit.”

    So I am really stepping out on a limb here. You must put down your cocktail and jump in the family mobile and race to your nearest bookstore and pick up, “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn.

    The story is based on a married couple that has to move from New York City to Missouri, due to hard times and a family illness. The husband runs a bar there purchased with his wife’s money (her family has money because of a book series her parents wrote). Nick and Amy were five years into their marriage when one day, Amy goes missing and it doesn’t look good.

    There are so many twists and turns in this book it will make your head spin. You will not want to put the book down. Then when you finish it you will think to yourself, “Can there really be people out there that nuts?”

    It truly blows my mind how the author put all this together. It makes my head hurt thinking about it.

    So if you are looking for the next book to read this summer…it has to be this one. I don’t think  you will be disappointed. But if you are, just forever blame me for your wasted hours that could have been spent on Pinterest.

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  13. Nancy Drew Would Be Proud

    July 2, 2012 by C.


    A woman in Monticello, KY was Super-Glued to a toilet inside the local Wal-mart. She sat down and was unable to get up. She started screaming and banging on the stall until someone came to help her. She sat there for an hour.


    The paramedics were able to get the seat removed from the stool, but unable to get it removed from her bum. She was taken to the emergency room for further treatment.

    The police believe this was done on purpose and when the perpetrator is caught, he or she could face 2nd degree assault charges.

    Now, I have a theory on this. I am basically a detective having graduated from the Nancy Drew School of Detecting Shit and something is fishy about her story. I, too have had an unfortunate incident involving Super Glue and a body part. That stuff dries fast. You can’t tell me that someone put that on the seat and left it there until this fruitcake plopped down. It would have been dry, people. Plus, it smells horrible. She would have caught a whiff of those fumes in the produce section. If she did sit down in wet Super Glue, then why did she just sit in it? If my precious bottom had sat in something slimy, I would have vaulted over the stall from sheer terror of what disease I have just contracted.

    She is looking to collect some money from Wal-mart and live the easy life.  Granted, she won’t be sitting on her rear for the next few months, but a little suffering will be worth all the money she is going to receive.

    If by chance my theory might be wrong (yea, right) and this actually went down like they suspect…the woman is still to blame, because you just do not use the toilets at Wal-mart. EVER. I truly would rather pull up in the shoe section and crawl into my cart to squat over a dog food bowl. I would not be embarrassed in the least, because I know for a fact crazier things than that happen all the time at Wally World.

    Bottom line folks…people are nuts. Before you back that thing up, make sure you peek at the seat.

    *Buy your Peek at the Seat t-shirts at very soon*


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