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August, 2012

  1. Fan Letters

    August 29, 2012 by C.

    Keep your rude comments coming!

     

     

     

     

    I am not going to brag but I do occasionally get fan e-mails. Maybe the word “fan” is a bit much. So let’s switch that to angry stalker e-mails. I thought I would share a few of the better ones with you all so you can see just how wonderful/glamorous/rewarding it is to be a blogger.

    Hey Happy,

    I enjoyed your Dr. Oz story except all the talk about poop. I mean really, are you 12? Everyone takes poops but I just think it is something that should be discussed in the privacy of ones home or not at all.

    Sincerely,

    The Poop Patrol

    I don’t remember speaking about “poop” that much in the story, but I am betting Poop Patrol used the word far more than I did. Let’s count the “poops”…3 if you count their name. I think this letter might be from an angry constipated woman. Just saying. 

    Hi,

    Just wanted to tell you that you are not funny.

    Jackie

    Really??? I had to take 4 extra happy pills just to make it through the rest of the day after reading this. Why are people so mean?

    Pill Person,

    I cannot believe you joke about the abuse of pharmaceuticals. This is a very serious issue. People take pills way too much these days. You should really consider removing this blog from the internet.

    Ray

    I am just guessing here but I think “Ray” = Tom Cruise. 

    One Happy Pill at A Time,

    I really don’t think your blog is all that funny. Have you ever been to Thebloggess.com? Now, that is a funny blog. She even got a book deal from her blog. Have you? Didn’t think so.

    Pat

    Yes, I am well aware of The Bloggess and her book deal. I have even read her book. I don’t find her very funny but that is just my opinion. So, take your Bloggess loving ass back on over to her blog and leave me alone! 

    Hmmmm, I love your pill hair. I bet you are super sexy. Wanna video chat?

    Neil

    The sad thing is, this is the closest thing I have to a fan letter. But I won’t let that get me down. Better days/fan e-mails are ahead, I can just feel it. 

     

     

     

     

     

     

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  2. Random Acts

    August 27, 2012 by C.

    Might just burn their hands off.

     

     

     

    Back at it again. This past week I started with visiting a park early on a Sunday morning before anyone would be there. I gathered up a bucket of change and scattered it all over the playground for the kids to find. I remember always being thrilled as a kid to find some money on the ground so I think it was probably well received.

    The next act was to buy someone’s lunch at a drive-thru. I tried it once at Subway but the woman had an angry face and was giving me dirty looks like it was my fault it was taking 20 minutes. Too bad so sad, Ms Mad Face. So I waited a few days and tried it again. This time it was a normal looking woman and I don’t know what she thought because I had to hustle to get to work but I am sure it at least made her smile.

     

    Last but not least, I bought donuts this past Friday for my co-workers. Now, I had a rough week and had been very stressed so there was a higher level of profanity spewing from my mouth. So, I guess technically it was an apology for all of my bad language. I am counting it anyways. Only 30 more to go!

    Yummy

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  3. Dermatology Drama

    August 24, 2012 by C.

     

     

    Just knew my whole back had this mess going on.

    Several weeks ago I noticed a weird mole growing in the middle of my back. It was hard to see it up close but I knew that it hurt when water would hit it in the shower, so something wasn’t right.

    The local dermatologists are booked for six months out. There are only two of them in town and they share the same office. Recently, the doctor I go to has set up a nurse practitioner in the basement of the building so they can see more patients.

    I called on Monday and got in today. That is totally awesome.

    Doctor visits have always made me very nervous. I have had a few moles removed before so I knew what to expect but was still nervous.

    After speaking to the nurse, I sat and watched “Little House on the Prairie” until the lady came in. Was Nellie always so ugly??

    Immediately the nurse practitioner looked very familiar. I started having a panic attack. Who the hell is this woman and where had I seen her before? My imagination runs wild and I am certain I have a back full of giant moles with hairs long enough to braid coming out of them and this woman who I seem to know is going to be completely disgusted. When she asked me to pull my shirt up so she could look I nearly passed out. I just held my breath.

    She didn’t seem to recognize me or my hairy moles so I was just going to play dumb. She quickly got a tray set up to remove the mole and was very friendly. She chatted about how long she had worked there, that she did not want to become a doctor and how nice the weather was today.

    Then she turned and flipped her hair a certain way and I knew. We went to high school together. She was a cheerleader. I was a freak. Lovely.

    I couldn’t get out of that office fast enough. I don’t think she had any clue, but I didn’t want to hang around any longer so she could figure it out.

    This could have been much more embarrassing I suppose. I could have had a bad case of butt acne or a rash on my boobs. Now I know if that ever happens, I will have to see an out of network doctor in another city for sure.

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  4. Guy Branum Talks Zombies

    August 23, 2012 by C.

    I love Guy Branum. He is one of my favorites on Chelsea Handler’s round table. However, I think I might love Guy more when he is explaining how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Thanks for sending it over Stephanie!

     

     

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  5. Be Patient…This is My First Attempt

    August 22, 2012 by C.


  6. My Obsession With Dr. Oz

    August 17, 2012 by C.

    I very rarely watched Oprah. Most that know me know that I am not a huge fan of the almighty Oprah. That being said, I am a little late to catch on to the wonderfulness of Dr. Oz.

    Every episode is recorded and saved until I have a chance to watch. While watching it, I have a special Dr. Oz notebook kept on my side table to write down all of his amazing tips. I thought I would share a few of my notes with you.

    Raspberry Ketone. Do nothing, burn fat. Thank you God and Dr Oz!!!

    Turn around and examine your poop. Tells you about your internal health. Should be smooth and S-shaped. Uh oh. 

    People that are more social and have a close network of friends live longer. I am so screwed. 

    Take power naps. No longer than 30 minutes! Going to try this at work soon.  

    Eat a good breakfast. Snickers Ice Cream bars don’t count as a good breakfast.

    Take lots of supplements. Multivitamins,  calcium, magnesium, DHA, B12, Ginkgo Biloba and aspirin, just to name a few.  Basically, go to your local health food store and hand over your MasterCard once a month. Being Oz-like isn’t cheap, folks. 

    Have one glass of alcohol with dinner. Finally a tip I really really like.

    Yoga is a good exercise as you get older. *I would have been good at yoga when I was like 6. Now, not so much. I attempted the pose below and spent three days in the hospital. 

    Do not try this anywhere ever!

     

    My most favorite Dr. Oz tip involves a golf ball. *See photo illustration below* If you are having issues producing regular bowel movements, grab a golf ball and roll it around in your hands. Needs to be toward the bottom of your hands and you don’t have to roll it around for six hours or anything. Just roll it around a few times while watching TV or if you just need something to keep your hands busy so you don’t choke your kids.

    I don’t know how this works, but it does. Golf ball magic. You will go poopy in no time. I expect to get many thank you cards and e-mails for sharing this one with you.

    Many of you will think it is horrible of me to discuss such disgusting things, but we all have these issues every once in a while and I consider you all my friends. Let’s just be adults about this and admit, sometimes shit doesn’t happen.

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  7. More Random Acts

    August 14, 2012 by C.

    Very nice

     

     

     

    I have been slacking…I need to get with it or I will be 50 before I get this finished.

    Look what I received this week from the nice mail carrier. She enjoyed the card and the tip and left me a note.

    Ok, so this week the main random act of kindness I did was to make a donation to rebuild a mosque that was burnt here in Joplin. The ignorance and hatred of some people really saddens me and I just wanted to do something to take a stand against their act and to help out with the need to rebuild. If you are interested in learning more about this you can check out their donation site here: http://www.indiegogo.com/joplinmosqueofficial

    On Saturday I went to buy Powerball tickets (I don’t do it too often…just when the jackpot is mega huge). The lady behind the counter handed me my tickets and I gave her the one I had printed on a separate ticket. She got the biggest smile on her face and thanked me several times before I got out of the store.

    This has been fun so far. I highly recommend it. It is wonderful to see people react to even the smallest of acts. Back to work tomorrow…33 more to go.

     

     

     

     

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  8. Birthday Week From Hell

    August 11, 2012 by C.

    Seriously???

     

     

     

    I turned 41 a week ago. It has been a crazy week but last night was the real kicker.

    My mom comes over with a package in her hand.

    “Ok, here is a belated birthday present I ordered for you. Sorry it is late, it just came today. Now, don’t get all offended,” she said.

    I slowly pull this granny workout dvd out of the brown paper shipping package. You must be shitting me.

    She must have seen the horrific expression on my face.

    “Listen, I know you cannot really exercise right now with your heel spur (long story short…it is sticking out, pressing on my Achilles and the only way to relieve the pain is to cut my Achilles and they saw off the spur…months of rehab…no thanks). Exercise is too painful for you right now but I don’t think this will cause you any pain,” she said.

    “Yea, the most pain I will have with this dvd is watching this 70-year-old grandma kick around her wrinkled varicose riddled legs only partially covered by her hideous hot pink leg warmers. Get me a knife. I will cut this damn bone spur out tonight,” I spewed.

    “You are so rude and ungrateful. I come over and bring you this gift trying to help you and you just complain about it. Now, you are going to do this whole work out every single day. No excuses!” she informs me.

    Wouldn’t it be funny if I couldn’t make it through the whole dvd and I passed out from exhaustion on the living room floor? Actually, that would be more sad than funny I suppose.

    Here is an actual quote from the back of the dvd:

    “Sit and Be Fit videos have brought the importance of exercise to the geriatric and less mobile population with significant benefit. I can strongly endorse these videos.” John A Fagan M.D. Geriatric Specialist 

    Between this lovely belated birthday gift and my injury at work this week, I am feeling like it might be time to put myself in an assisted living home or at the very least sign up for my AARP benefits.

     

     

     

     

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  9. Toilet Injuries Are Serious

    August 8, 2012 by C.

    Dismounts can be tricky.

     

     

    As if I needed anything to make me feel older and more rotten about myself…I injured myself yesterday getting off the toilet at work.

    I know, you are probably thinking I slipped in some leakage or something.

    I wish.

    Someone had taken my handicap stall and I was forced to use the petite ass/anorexic stall. So I am hunched over in the fetal position trying to relieve myself quickly and get the heck out of there. I was also keeping an eye out to identify the thief that had confiscated my stall (oh yes, I know who you are and you will be punished). The mean person left the bathroom and I went to stand up. A horrific pain shot up from the inside of my ankle up the back of my calf and resided behind my knee for the rest of the day and evening. I was limping. I was uncomfortable. I really should have gone home right away(so I could get a few things caught up on my DVR), but I am such a trooper I suffered silently at my desk. Well, mainly my silence was caused by pure embarrassment.

    “Why are you walking around like that, Chanin?” someone would ask (probably the toilet stealer).

    “Uh, I umm…oh, I am wearing new shoes and they have caused a giant bone spur to grow today on the bottom of this foot,” I would reply all red in the face.

    Best just to keep quiet about this incident until time to blog about it.

    The pain was worse sitting down at my desk. It was a horrible numbness right behind my knee. So numb it was almost unbearably uncomfortable and painful, if that makes any sense at all.

    At home that evening, I popped a handful of Advil, got into my hyperbaric chamber and elevated my leg above my heart. I woke up this morning feeling dandy. No pain at all. So glad I bought that chamber at Terrell Owen’s garage sale last month.

    I still don’t know what I did to myself, but I am just relieved it has stopped hurting. I will chalk it up to getting a year older and those damn new shoes.

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  10. More Random Acts of Kindness

    August 7, 2012 by C.

    Nothing like a free cold refreshing soda on a Monday.

    My first act of the week was to leave enough money taped to the vending machine so that someone would enjoy a free pop.

    “Thanks for the pop money, Chanin! You must have known I was broke this week,” Stephanie said.

    “Um, you are not supposed to know it is me doing it,” I replied.

    “Oh well, it was your handwriting, ” she replied.

    Mental note to self…no more handwritten notes with these acts unless it is for a complete stranger.

    My next task was to leave a nice note/thank you card with $10 in it for the lady that delivers my mail. It is freaking hot outside and it must really be a crappy job to work in this heat. Should make her smile I hope.

    Today I did something that I don’t really want to discuss because I don’t want anyone to figure out it was me that did it. So just trust me…I did something that counts and hopefully it was well received.

    Three down…35 more to go. I hope I get this finished before I turn 42.


  11. Random Acts of Kindness #1, 2 and 3

    August 4, 2012 by C.

    This would have made me smile.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    My Acts of Kindness birthday project is off to a slow start. My first act was on Friday morning when I made this cute little sign and hung it on the mirror in the ladies restroom at work. I honestly expected to hear the ladies asking around, trying to figure out who would have hung such a sign in our bathroom, but I heard nothing. I am thinking they either thought the super creepy cleaning man left it for us the night before and had caused the ladies to feel a little grossed out or we have a bunch of ladies that don’t wash their hands after they potty. Another possibility could be they actually read my blog (highly unlikely) and figured out it was me that did it and they thought I could have come up with something better like buying everyone lunch. I have made a whopping $4.65 off this blog thus far, so we would have to split a few dollar menu items between the 30 of us.

    My next act happened this morning. My mom is pretty sick and I went to check on her. I told her I was going to the grocery store and asked if she needed anything.

    “Chicken broth”, she hoarsely whispered to me.

    She feels that if you are under the weather drinking a gallon of chicken broth will cure you completely. When I am sick she stands over me and watches me drink every drop of the chicken broth she has brought over to heal me. I hate that shit.

    While wandering around the store, I found a bucket of “Cherry Mash” candy bars. These are her all time favorite treats. So I picked up the gallon of chicken broth and two Cherry Mash bars.

    Gross.

     

     

    I took all of this to her and when she saw the Cherry Mash bars she got the biggest smile on her face. Mission accomplished!

     

    I went to breakfast at a new restaurant in town. It was very good and our server was superb. Every time she approached the table she had a big smile on her face and was just a sweet young lady.

    Our breakfast was $15 and I handed her a $10 bill as her tip. She looked completely shocked. She kept thanking me over and over. You would have thought I had handed her $100 bucks. She even ran back into the kitchen and was showing it to the other waitresses. I honestly didn’t think she would overly thrilled with the money but she was and it was so nice to watch. This was the best reaction so far and made me excited  to do more nice things. I don’t have a photo of her and the $10 because I thought that would probably freak her out.

    My birthday started out rough yesterday. I went out to get in the car to head to work and my car would not start. It really just put me in a really bad mood to start the day. Luckily, it was just a dead battery. After getting it jumped I headed to the battery chain where I had bought the last one.

    They quickly jumped on my car and the manager came in to ring me up. I start digging for my debit card.

    “Oh, we won’t be charging you anything to replace the battery”, he said.

    “Why?” I asked.

    “You have had the battery two years and four days. Our warranty covers the battery for two years and since it is just barely over, I am going to go ahead and give it to you for free”, he replied.

    Wow!

     

    If you add that ticket up for what it would have cost me you would get $97.95. I really feel it is a sign/reward that I am doing the right thing with these random acts of kindness.

    Three down and 38 more to go…

     

     

     

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  12. Join Me For My Birthday Celebration

    August 2, 2012 by C.

     

     

    Tomorrow I turn 41. Yippee, right? Bet you thought you were being invited to a kick ass party with a title like that. Sorry, Charlie! I am anti-social.

    After 40, there isn’t anything exciting about birthdays until you turn 50 and the only reason I would be happy about turning 50 is I am so much closer to menopause. God, I look forward to that day.

    So, since this is a rather boring birthday, I have decided to make something of it. I saw this idea somewhere…perform a random act of kindness for every year of your existence.

    I started making a list of things to do and I got to #12 and was so depressed about how old I am and how many more nice things I have to do, I had to go find myself a deep margarita. So if this whole post makes no sense at all you will know why.

    How do I say this without hurting my own feelings? I am typically not an overly friendly/nice kind of gal. I am not a morning person so I growl at most of my co-workers until around noon. Then I growl some more because I have forced myself to avoid that Rice Krispy treat in the vending machine all morning. I am usually semi-friendly between 4-5pm. So this nice thing will be a real stretch for me.

    As a present to me and to the world, I would like to invite you to help me out. Do something random and kind and post a comment below letting me know what you did. I will post every single thing I do in blog posts until we have hit 41 acts of kindness. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. You know, if you make it through the day without selling your child on Ebay that will count. I am not picky.

    Come on people, let’s go make the world a little brighter. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate a boring old birthday.

     

     

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