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September, 2012

  1. More Random Acts

    September 30, 2012 by C.

    Very excited about this

     

     

     

    1. Joined In2Books. This wonderful organization allows you to be a pen pal with a child. You and the child will discuss all sorts of things but mainly you will be reading the same books and then discussing them together via email. I have written my intro letter and I am just waiting to be placed with a child. Can’t wait to get started.

    2. I won a St Louis Rams sweatshirt at work in a drawing. I gave it to a kid I know that loves Sam Bradford and the Rams.

    3. I wrote a letter to Verizon about the wonderful customer service I received from Fredy.

    4. Made a treat for my co-workers. Pumpkin Fluff Dip was a big hit and very easy to make.

    5. Let a man go in front of me in a check out lane at the store.

    6. Wrote a thank you card and mailed it to my hairdresser. I am a huge pain in the ass over my hair and I just wanted to let her know I appreciate her putting up with me.

    7. Loaded a box of things around the house and donated to DAV.

    8. Held the door open at a store for everyone coming and going for a good 5 minutes.

    9. Got a group of ladies at work to go serve a dinner at a local children’s home. We go October 16th and will be feeding 15 children.

    10. Prayed for a stranger. I was coming home this morning from running errands. I noticed there was a fire truck and ambulance in front of a church. As I was passing by I saw them wheeling out an older gentleman on a stretcher. Hopefully nothing too serious. Regardless I said a prayer for him.

    I have 20 left to go now. Moving a little slow with this but I will accomplish the last 20 by January 1st. It’s a promise.


  2. Ketchup and Honey Boo Boo

    September 28, 2012 by C.

    Watch out Honey Boo Boo!

     

     

     

    This week I checked the email account for this blog and found I was sent a request a week earlier to speak to a casting agent from TLC. She had read my blog post about my ketchup addiction and would like to speak to me about the possibility of appearing on a show about weird food addictions.

    My first thought was it was some sort of joke. So I did a little research on the company she said she was with and sure enough…it is a casting agency that does most of the shows on TLC.

    I emailed her back and told her I felt certain that I was not addicted enough to qualify to be on “My Strange Addiction” but to feel free to call me and discuss.

    At first I just laughed about this. Pretty comical. I write every single day of the week after working a full-time job and instead of my writing being noticed, I get an email about being on a show for freaks. So now, I am a bit depressed about it. I have decided there is no way I will do the show if they offer it to me, unless of course they are willing to pay me a substantial amount of money. That is highly doubtful though, as Honey Boo Boo only gets $4000 per episode. I need at least $10,000 to make an ass of myself on television.

    The positive that has come from this is it made me realize that anyone could be reading what I write…an editor at a magazine or publishing company, comedy websites or even someone from Saturday Night Live looking for a new writer. It was a nice reminder that more people read this than just my Mom. So I have hope again.

    I will update everyone again if I get a call back any time soon. I could be the next Honey Boo Boo y’all!


  3. I Hate Critters

    September 26, 2012 by C.

    It looked like this only scarier

     

     

    I am an inside kinda gal. I do not like to go outdoors for anything. I have never been camping because going to the bathroom without a toilet, being eaten alive by mosquitoes and sleeping on the ground is not my idea of a fun weekend. I am weird like that I guess.

    A few weeks ago, I went out for ice cream. The drive-thru was a bug magnet with all their lights. I kept my windows up until the very last minute. As I was placing my order a giant grasshopper flew into my car and landed on my leg. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and flailing around like a lunatic. The Bieber-wanna-be working the window could not stop laughing. If I had thought my fat, ice cream eating ass would fit through my sunroof I would have crawled out of the top of the car to get away from it. This tragedy has weened my desire for ice cream though. Just not worth bug trauma.

    Last night the outside came in the house and scared me to death. I was sitting at my computer typing away and I heard something. Now, I only had a tiny lamp on in my bedroom and could not see very well but from first glance I thought it was a mouse jumping against the wall (yes, I know this makes no sense but at the time it really did). I don’t do mice. As I stood on top of my desk throwing paperclips at it, I noticed that it wasn’t really big enough nor moving quickly enough to be a mouse so I hopped down and decided to put on my big girl panties and go see what it was.

    I got a little closer and thought it was a grasshopper or a cricket. Of course it has me trapped on the side of the room without an exit (although the thought did cross my mind to throw the tv through the bedroom window and jump) so I had to figure out a way to deal with it other than leaving the room and calling a friend to come get it out of the house.

    With shoe in hand and goosebumps from head to toe, I approached the critter. I got pretty close and the bastard flew at me! This thing had giant wings. It looked like a mutant fly. I was swinging that shoe around like a child trying to crack open a piñata. When I opened my eyes, it was crawling under my bed. Oh lovely.

    I could not sleep last night. I kept imagining the critter crawling into my ear and laying eggs and my brain would be overrun by baby critters and I would have cravings to eat grass and to jump against walls. I tossed and turned all night long. I finally got up and stuffed toilet paper in my ears. I knew my eyes, mouth and nose were protected because I was wearing my sleep apnea mask (this was the very first time I was happy about wearing it to bed) and my Diva sleep mask. I felt a little better after that and got around three hours of sleep.

    The critter has not yet been found so I imagine it will be another rough night for me. I won’t be able to rest until it has been disposed of. It is probably a little dangerous to be sleeping with a meat cleaver and ninja stars but I want to be fully prepared for the next visit from the critter. One of us has got to go and it won’t be me.


  4. Fredy Update

    September 25, 2012 by C.

    She is all mine

     

     

    Fredy came through big time for me. He had my phone stuffed in his locker and sold me accessories at 25% off. Fredy is the man.

    So I sent an email to Verizon to tell them what a great representative he is for their company. Here is the response…hopefully Fredy will be getting a raise soon.

    Good morning Chanin!

    It’s Monday and I hope your week is starting off well this morning!  I’m Dale and it’s always great to hear that one of our representatives was awesome and provided you with a great customer experience.  I’ll be glad to pass this glowing feedback onto Freddy and his supervisor at the Joplin, MO store.

    I’m always glad to hear that we provided excellent customer service to someone who had a bad experience previously regardless of where it happened!  It appears the Fredy was all that we can ask for in an associate who was fast, efficient, and friendly.  It sounds like he was respectful of your time while providing you with excellent customer service.  I’ve forwarded your feedback to his manager and this feedback goes into his permanent file for use when it comes to merit raises and promotion consideration.

    Thanks very much for taking the time to let us know about your experience with Freddy and it was a pleasure to pass along the compliment.  If you have any further requests or concerns, please respond to this email or call Customer Service at 1-800-922-0204 (*611 from your Verizon Wireless handset).  Thanks very much for being a great Verizon Wireless customer and I hope you have an excellent day.

    Sincerely,

    Dale

    Verizon Wireless

    Customer Service

     

     

     


  5. Freddie the Phone Seller

    September 20, 2012 by C.

    Isn’t she beautiful?

     

     

    I have been counting down the days to get a new cell phone. My smart phone has been very dumb lately. It says the memory is full and I have to delete apps to get the phone just to do basic functions. I am sick of it and ready to get the glorious Samsung Galaxy SIII.

    Monday I called into a cell phone store to make sure they would have a white one for on Friday when my plan can be extended.

    A man with a thick Indian accent answered the phone.

    “Hallo dees es Freddie. How may I help ju?”

    “Freddie, I need a Samsung Galaxy III in white on Friday. Do you have any in stock?”

    “Jess ve do but not verry meny. I vill hold for ju.”

    “Great. Thanks Freddie. I will see you around 1:30 on Friday.”

    Freddie calls me back 10 minutes later…whispering in the phone.

    “Dees es Freddie. I em hiding da phone in my locker. Ju MUS leesten…ju MUS come before 12:30 Friday.”

    “Ok, Freddie…no problem I can come in before 12:30. Thank you, I really appreciate that. See you Friday.”

    Ok, I realize tomorrow just happens to be the same day the iPhone 5 is released and things will be a little nuts in there but the phone I want has been out since May. Why in the world is he stuffing it in his locker until Friday??

    Freddie offers the best customer service ever. He will receive a tip and a letter to his employer (of course not telling him he stashes phones in his locker…just that he is very awesome at his job).

    I am not sure what I am more excited about…meeting Freddie or getting a new phone.


  6. Rambo Mama

    September 17, 2012 by C.

    “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

     

     

    Our backyard has become the most exciting place on earth.  After a few weeks, I was finally able to see the “baby grizzly bear” that was living in our backyard. I wanted to get close enough to get a picture but he would race under our storage shed when I walked out onto the deck.

    I am still not sure what it is but it is pretty big and scary looking. After getting a call every evening for several weeks from my mom to go out and shoot at it with my toy BB gun, I decided a BB gun of her own would be the perfect birthday gift for her.

    Of course, I had to buy a Red Ryder BB gun. We all loved the movie, “A Christmas Story” so it seemed like it would make it an even better gift to get the real deal. I went up to the Wal-mart checkout to pay for her present.

    Teen-age Checker: Can I ask why you are buying a BB gun?

    Me: It’s my mom’s birthday present.

    Teen-age Checker: You can’t be serious.

    Me: Yep, trust me she will love it. Our backyard is a wild kingdom and it will entertain her for hours to shoot at stuff in the yard. Plus it keeps her off QVC. Win-win situation.

    Strange old woman behind me in line: Every home should have a BB gun.

    Me: Damn right.

    I carry off my package with everyone giggling. I don’t care, I know she is going to love it.

    I was right. She was practically giddy when she was loading it up.

    Mom: No more worries. I will protect the home front.

    Me: Cool, mom. Just please don’t shoot the windows in the storage shed or shoot your eye out. (When exactly did I become the parent in this relationship?)

    Then I left her for several days without checking in. She called and invited me over for Sunday dinner.

    Mom: Well, I don’t think we will have to worry about the bear out back anymore.

    Me: Did you kill it????

    Mom: Oh no, but I am pretty sure I caused it to have a nervous breakdown. Could you get me more BBs the next time you go to Wal-mart?

    Me: I bought you 300 when I gave you the gun a week ago!

    Mom: I told you I caused it to have a nervous breakdown and leave. Grizzly bears don’t like it when it rains BBs.

    My mom has turned into Rambo. God help me.

     

     

     

     


  7. Death of a Desktop

    September 13, 2012 by C.

    Oh how I miss my computer

     

     

     

    I am old school I guess, I just prefer writing on a desktop computer. Well, my computer crashed this week and has left me feeling lost and depressed. Yes, of course I have a laptop but it just isn’t the same. The keyboard is all screwy and when I have it on my lap it sets my thighs on fire from the massive heat being released from the bottom.

    There is just something  about sitting at a desk and typing away that I love. I realize I could put the laptop on a table and type but it just doesn’t feel right at all to me.

    There was some false hope today. The computer repair shop called and said they had her all fixed up. I was so excited. As I walked in the door the kid came up front and said he had some bad news…she crashed again a few minutes before I arrived.

    “I think it is time we pull as much as possible from your hard drive to save it,” he tells me.

    Uh oh. This desktop has been with me for six years. My whole life is on that thing and of course I never backed it up. All my writing that I have saved over the years is on there and if it doesn’t successfully come off I will have a meltdown.

    I hope she will be returned to me tomorrow and I can get back to writing funny posts for you but right now I am too worried about my computer to be funny. Sad but true.

    Time to get off this laptop, I think I have 3rd degree burns on my legs now.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  8. Worst Proposal Ever

    September 8, 2012 by C.

    Let’s drink to my shitty proposal!

     

    Alexey Bykov of Russia wanted to know if his girl really loved him. Bykov hired professionals to stage a car crash in which he dies. He went all out…make-up artists, stuntmen and a film director. He wanted this to look like the real deal when his girlfriend showed up on the scene.

    He told her to meet him at this location at a certain time and when she arrived she saw him lying on the ground covered in blood.

    “When I arrived there were mangled cars everywhere, ambulances, smoke and carnage…a paramedic told me he was dead and I just broke down in tears,” Irena said.

    Bykov sees she is crying over him, stands up and proposes to the woman.

    Alexey wanted her to realize how “life would have no meaning” without him, according to The Sun.

    What a douchebag.

    This woman actually said yes. Personally if it were me, I would have kicked him in the groin and walked away.

    This marriage is doomed. I would hate to see what he wants to do to celebrate their anniversary. Set up a guy to see if she cheats on him is my guess. Good times.

    There must be a shortage of decent guys in Russia. This explains why so many Russian women sign up to be mail-order brides. It really can’t be much worse than this no matter where they are shipped off to.

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  9. Technologically Impaired Parents

    September 1, 2012 by C.

    “How does this work with no phone line plugged in??”

     

     

     

    As many of you know my sister and I got our mother a laptop for Christmas. She has resisted using it until recently. She now uses it to look up recipes and shop the clearance items offered up by QVC. I have asked several times if she wanted an e-mail address and she has refused to let me set it up for her, until recently.

    “Mom, I am going to set you up with Gmail today,” I said.

    “Gmail? I thought it’s called e-mail,” she replied.

    Oh boy.

    She is only 62. I pray I am able to stay semi-current with technology when I am that age. What exactly happens as you age that you don’t care about computers, HDTVs and smart phones? All these things improve your quality of life so why would you resist them? Even though I set up an e-mail address for my mother, I know she will never even open it. She just wants to continue to resist anything new to her.

    I thought this was something that only happened to my mother but she isn’t the only one. A friend of mine received a call from her mother.

    “Can you tell me how to print something I have found on YouTube?” she asked her daughter.

    “Um, Mom you can’t print things you find on YouTube because you are watching a video…it’s not in writing,” she replied.

    Feeling a little better about things I went over to visit mom last week and let her know that the wireless connection we share had been acting up all day. I was afraid she would think she had done something to break the computer and just toss it in the trash.

    “Mom, the internet has been messing up today, so if you get a blank page, just be patient,” I told her.

    “What causes the internet to mess up? Do you think it might be because I hired that guy to powerwash the house the other day and it got all the cables wet?” she asked.

    I just stared at her.

    We had thought of getting her a Kindle this Christmas, but when I showed her my Nook she did not seem to receptive.

    “You read books on that? How does a book get into that thing?” she asked.

    “Well, I click on the link to Barnes and Noble, it takes me to an online store and I buy the book I want. Once it is paid for they send it electronically to this device,” I explained.

    I then showed her a few of the features, including how to make the font larger for easier reading (I thought that she would really like that since she complains about not being able to see).

    “Pretty cool, huh Mom?” I asked.

    “No, not really,” she said.

    Next Christmas she is getting a Snuggie.

     

     

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  10. I am on HelloGiggles.com

    September 1, 2012 by C.

    Good morning,

    A couple of months ago I sent in a story to Hellogiggles.com (Zooey Deschanel’s website) and today it has made it to their front page. I am so excited I just had to share. Here is the link if you want to take a look…

     

    http://hellogiggles.com/my-parents-worst-nightmare