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December, 2012

  1. Random Acts of Kindness Project Completed

    December 31, 2012 by C.

    I eat lots of cupcakes

    I eat lots of cupcakes



    I have wrapped up the last random acts of kindness for my 41st birthday. This was such an amazing project for me…it is so true that it is better to give than to receive. I think this has taught me to keep my eyes open to what is going on around me and to step up when there is a need. A few people have told me that they want to start doing something like this because of my posts and that makes this worth so much more.

    1. Sent an email to a couple of co-workers boss to let him know what a great job they do.

    2. Hung candy canes on the walls around the office. I thought people would grab them and eat them but instead they are still hanging there. I guess they thought I was decorating for Christmas. Please eat the candy canes people.

    3. Sent a sympathy card to Sandy Hook Elementary. I wanted to do something and didn’t know what else to do.

    4. Picked 2 names at random from the phone book and sent them Christmas cards.

    5. Went shopping at Dollar General and took a laundry basket full of items to Children’s Haven in Joplin.

    6. Went through Chick-Fil-A and there was a young man standing outside handing out condiments. The weather was very cold and rainy. Pretty miserable. Stopped and gave him a tip.

    7. I eat lunch once a week at one of my favorite restaurants in town. I have given the waitress a list of their lunch specials that I love on my business card. She calls me and lets me know when they will have those things. I brought her a Christmas card with a Visa gift card inside for taking such good care of me and my belly.

    8. Made a donation to United Through Reading. I think this is such a great organization to support. Kind of a different way to support the troops but I love it.  I am going to copy what they do exactly in their words.

    “United Through Reading is the nation’s first nonprofit to promote the read-aloud experience for separated military families.  United Through Reading offers deployed parents the opportunity to be video-recorded reading story books to their children which eases the stress of separation, maintains positive emotional connections and cultivates a love of reading.  At nearly 200 recording locations worldwide, Marines, Soldiers and Sailors, National Guard, Reservists and Airmen, can read to their children from units on ships, in tents in Afghanistan, on bases and installations around the world and at 70 USO centers worldwide.  Over one and a half million military parents, spouses and children have benefited from the program since its inception.”

    If you are interested in supporting this project here is their web address:

    9. I eat a bunch of cupcakes. I went to buy a few more and had a reward card that was full and would get me a free cupcake. I asked the girl at the counter to please give it to the next person that came in. I explained it was a random acts of kindness project I was working on in hopes she wouldn’t throw it in the trash as I walked out.

    10. I was at my dentist office for a routine checkup back in October. My dentist is so nice. She does everything herself from cleaning your teeth to x-rays to making appointments. I really like that. It never made much sense to me that the dentist spent about 2 minutes in your mouth and left. This lady thoroughly knows my mouth and would easily recognize anything going on very quickly. Anyways, she was in the middle of cleaning my teeth and was talking about her youngest son who had just made a commitment to join the Marines. She started crying. He is her baby…just out of high school and has a condition that should have kept him out of the military, but they signed a waiver and put him through anyways. She was terribly distraught and I really didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry and would keep them in my prayers. She told me he was to leave for boot camp on December 11th. So on December 11th, I sent her a bouquet of flowers just to let her know I was thinking of her and still keeping them in my prayers. She called me the next day completely in shock I think. She thanked me over and over. Shared with me how difficult it was to see him go but it is what he wanted to do and she has to support him. A very difficult thing to do as a mother I am sure.

    That’s it. All 41 random acts of kindness completed before January 1st 2013 as promised.

    This will be my last post for 2012. It has been such a great year…with having one of my posts featured on and setting a new page view record for one day of 1387. A big thank you to each and every single one of you that come here to read what I am up to and have been so supportive. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. You guys are awesome!

    Happy New Year to you and yours. Let’s make 2013 the greatest year ever.

    Hell yea!

    Hell yea!

  2. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 23, 2012 by C.

    This will probably be the last Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf for the year. I will be spending the rest of my holidays near small children and I would hate to be the cause of years of therapy for them. Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas!

    I am never going back to the North Pole!

    I am never going back to the North Pole!

  3. The End Is Near

    December 20, 2012 by C.

    December 21st, 2012 will be the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar. These end of the world scenarios seem to pop up from time to time and so far we have survived just fine. I would like to believe that the Mayans got really drunk one night and decided to screw with us all by ending the calendar on that date. But just in case, I have been preparing.

    The past few months I have been studying survival manuals and learning as much as I can. I am not an outdoors type person so if this goes down and I wind up living in the woods I will be the whiniest bitch ever, but I will survive. Let me show you what I have been working on.

    Who could survive without bacon??

    Who could survive without bacon??

    This is Tactical Bacon. I have 142 cases of this stuff. In a world without the finer things in life, I feel very comforted to know that I won’t run out of bacon.

    But in case I do…

    Yum yum

    Yum yum

    I have started raising worms in my backyard. They are an excellent source of protein and will do in case I run out of bacon. Tastes like dirt!

    I can’t give all my secrets away as far as security but I will share one with you so you can have some shipped in overnight to your home.

    I can't wait to use this stuff

    I can’t wait to use this stuff

    This is bear repellent. It shoots up to 30 feet away and is much stronger than normal pepper spray. This stuff will make a full-grown grizzly your bitch so it has to be pretty potent. I wish I could find a volunteer to let me try it out just to make sure it will take down a human being but so far no takers.

    One of my most prized prepping possessions is this Biolite camp stove.

    Living large in the woods

    Living large in the woods

    Yes, I can make smores and fry up some opossum for dinner but the best part of this little stove is that the heat it generates is turned into electricity. It runs on no fuel, just needs a few twigs to get it going and you will be watching “Duck Dynasty” reruns in no time. Yea, that is what I thought. Who wants to be on team Chanin now, bitches???

    I recently started some special training with Krav Maga expert, Matan Gavish. He is so pretty.

    Matan has trained me to be able to kill someone with just a lollipop stick. I am pretty sure his shirt translates to say, “Total Badass”.

    Now it is always best to have other members on your team, mainly because I will need at least 10 hours of sleep every night in order to be able to function the next day without any caffeine so someone has to watch out for me while I am sleeping. I have recruited my neighbor, Martha. She is a retired school librarian and it looks like all those years of reading have paid off. She made that bat all on her own.

    Such a great team player

    Such a great team player

    You just don’t mess with Martha. Seriously, she may look mild-mannered but you should see her swinging that bat at her ex-husband.

    I have taken this entire week off to finish getting prepared for the end of the world on Friday. Why would anyone want to hang out at work on their last few days on earth? Certainly, not me. I have weapons to clean and MREs to organize.

    Well, I hope to see you all on Saturday morning, but who knows what will happen. One thing I do know is if the shit hits the fan I am ready to survive and thrive.





  4. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 20, 2012 by C.

    Jax, you are a pervert!

    Jax, you are a pervert!

  5. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 17, 2012 by C.

    What a bad elf!

    What a bad elf!

  6. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 13, 2012 by C.

    What a freak

    Special thanks to my cleavage model! She wishes to remain anonymous for some reason.

  7. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 10, 2012 by C.

    What a pretty boy!

  8. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 6, 2012 by C.

    Jax getting his drink on.




    The little bastard drained the bottle!


    Tune in for more Inappropriate  Elf on the Shelf every Monday and Thursday evening between now and Christmas.

  9. Dermatology Drama Part II: Curse of the Hairy Mole

    December 5, 2012 by C.

    No boobie searching going on in this photo.



    Some of you may remember Dermatology Drama. Those who have no clue what the hell I am talking about please click these words to get caught up. 

    The mole removed from my back was sent off for testing. I received a phone call a week later basically saying it was a very good thing I came in when I did. So today was my 3 month follow-up, I assumed to check the giant scar on my back and give me some free wrinkle cream samples.

    No such luck.

    The nurse practitioner is someone I went to high school with so it is already pretty awkward. Imagine how I am feeling when she tells me she needs to look at me from head to toe…you know…without most of my clothing. This appointment had just taken a bad, bad turn.

    I don’t get naked…ever. Most days I shower in my underwear. I get so traumatized about going to my gynecologist appointments I have to take the entire day off from work. I have been told if I had had children it would be no big deal to get naked. I wouldn’t even have problems plopping my junk out someplace like the mall food court.

    So she is running her hands over all my moles, trying to discuss Black Friday shopping and I am sweating and wanting to cry. She takes one of my breasts and flops it back over my shoulder. That one is all good so she pulls it back down and flops back the other one. When her hand ran down my lower back towards my underwear (thank goodness I wore some that don’t have holes…oh don’t act like you don’t put on some nasty panties every once in a while) and pulled them out to take a peek at my buttocks, I made a deal with God that I would never ever go without sunscreen…even inside the house, as long as I live if he could just make her stop and not decide to do a cavity search for moles.

    Although she said she should probably see me (molest me) every 3 months, I don’t have to go back until June.

    Thank you, God for this favor. And don’t worry, I have my sunscreen on.



  10. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 3, 2012 by C.

    Awwwwwwwwwww so cute it makes me want to barf!








    Since I live on Pinterest I have been bombarded with images of amazing Elf on the Shelf ideas. That little guy is just so cute and it made me want to get one. So I had one shipped to my home overnight so I could have some fun too.



    My idea of fun might be slightly different from most of the photos I have seen online. I don’t want cute photos of the elf. I want to put him in some bizarre situations/poses. So believe me, these will get worse before they get better.

    My niece and nephew were visiting and named the elf, “Josh”. Well that is too vanilla for my bad elf so I have re-named him,  Jax Luca. Yea, I am digging that name.

    So please take a seat and let me introduce you to Jax Luca, the bad ass Elf on the Shelf.

    Jax knows the importance of regular bowel movements.



    Isn’t he adorable??? Check in Thursday for another Jax photo.