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January, 2013

  1. Mother Masked Me

    January 25, 2013 by C.

    WTH???

    WTH???

     

     

     

    This evening I got to the hotel and mother was being snarky so I had to put her in her place.

    “I believe I am footing the bill for this hotel room so when I come in after a hard day at work I expect my bed turned down and my slippers waiting by the door.”

    “Chanin, you are not footing the bill for this hotel. The company you work for is.”

    “Same diff. I didn’t see you whipping out any plastic at check-in so I expect you to get with it and make my stay much more pleasurable for the last week we are here or you will immediately be placed in an old folks home once we arrive back home.”

    She just glared at me.

    I have injured my back and pretty much get doped up on muscle relaxers once I get in for the evening. I got out my head pad and leaned back against it to watch a few episodes of Downton Abbey.

    I had my headphones in and was all involved in the show (Lord Anthony was ditching poor Edith at the alter…what an old bastard!). I see my mom moving pretty quickly for her age out of the corner of my eye. Next thing I know she is on top of me with a tube of something smearing it all over my face. Being half-doped, depressed for poor Edith and in pain, I really had no chance to get out of her death grip.

    Through my Downton soundtrack, I hear her say that I am getting older and need to take much better care of my skin (she has been saying this since I was 12). Could these drugs be so good that I am imagining all of this? Who attacks their daughter with a facial mask???

    Someone not in their right mind and on their way to the old folks home, that’s who.

    To make matters worse she is laughing so hard she starts farting. At this point I am praying the pain in my back gets so bad I will lose consciousness.

    When she finally releases me, she says in her snarky voice, “Now snap a picture of that and share it on Facebook with all your friends.”

    So I did…well not on Facebook, but on my blog. She really doesn’t know the difference between the two so does it really matter?


  2. Janice, I Love You

    January 24, 2013 by C.

    I came across this one night on Pinterest and could not stop laughing. Yes, I am mean. I am Janice Jr. I am not sure if she is his aunt or what but she really is heartless and barely cares the kid is hanging on with just his double chin.

    Janice, if you are out there you are an inspiration.

    Janice, the bitch


  3. Me and Mom Be Trippin’

    January 20, 2013 by C.

    Ohhhhh early bird dinner specials! Yea!

    Ohhhhh early bird dinner specials! Yea!

     

     

     

     

    As of today, I am starting on my 3rd week in Springfield, Ohio. When I was first told that I was going (for a week), my mom mentioned it might be fun for her to go along and she would pay her own way etc, etc. That was fine with me but then a few days before leaving it was turned into being gone for 2 weeks. I honestly thought she would want to stay home. I mean hell, I didn’t even want to go for a week, let alone for 2.

    Surprisingly, she said she still wanted to go. After being in Springfield for 3 days, this 2 week stay then turned into staying for a month. I volunteered to drive her home on a Saturday and drive back alone on a Sunday but she didn’t want to leave. She said she didn’t like the idea of my being alone all this time in a strange city. I am 41-years-old for shits sake!

    So here I sit, sharing a hotel room with my mom for 2 more weeks. The most disturbing part of this is that I am starting to act more and more like an old lady. Here are the new habits I have picked up from spending so much time with her…

     

    I like to have had my dinner no later than 6 pm. We have a routine where I get off work and pull up in front of the hotel, then we immediately go to wherever she has picked for dinner. Most nights it is a place that offers an early bird dinner special. She gets very excited about this because she boxes up part of it for her lunch the next day and saves money.

    I am in my pajamas by 7:30. Lights out usually by 9:30. At home, I was up past 11 every night.

    Laying out all of my medication the night before I need it. Thinking of getting a pill-box soon to match Mom’s.

    Bitching about all my hotel neighbors.”Seriously, another damn kids birthday party at the pool??? There is water all over the floor and someone is going to fall and break a hip!”

    There are things she does that I have not picked up on because frankly it freaks me out. Her evening treat is to get on my laptop (because she cannot figure out how to connect to the hotel Wi-Fi when I am not here) and getting online to look at the obituaries in our hometown online newspaper. Why do people look at this stuff? If a  friend or family member died, I would hope someone would notify you and you would not have to find out about it online. Why care about the deaths of complete strangers? This is what I hear every night, “Chanin, a 2-year-old baby died. Is that not horrible?”

    “Yes, it is horrible.”

    “Awwww and a 32-year-old woman. That is just too young to die. Oh, and she had kids! Those poor babies.”

    I got tired of listening to the stories of the dead strangers so I got out my tablet one night and filled my ears with headphones, watching a video. She just continued talking to me. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but I heard her voice just talking away about something…probably a homeless man died or something.

    Then there are her motherly warnings that are getting old now…

    We have been very fortunate and not had any snow while we have been here. But every morning, she gets up to warn me about black ice. I am not sure where this mystery black ice has come from but it is something that shows up during the night, every single night, just waiting out there on the highways to spin my car out of control.

    And…

    “Can you please get us back to the hotel? It is dark and I don’t like being out after dark. Someone will see these out-of-state plates and knock us in the head.”

    Being knocked in the head doesn’t sound so bad right now.

     


  4. 9 Things I Miss About Home

    January 13, 2013 by C.

    Word

    Word

     

     

     

    It has been a few years since I was sent off on a trip for work. My last trip was to sunny Jacksonville, Florida. This trip…to bitterly cold Springfield, Ohio.

    Normally, I enjoy traveling for work because you get to stay in a decent hotel, eat out and see new things. The longest I have ever been sent away was for 5 business days. This time, I was told up front I would be gone 2 weeks. That is a long damn time to be away from home. I sat and thought about it and realized the longest I have ever been away from home was for 7 days, when I took a trip to Hawaii. This was going to require me to actually go to a laundromat and wash my clothes instead of just stuffing my smelly socks into a big trash bag to take back home with me.

    I was here for a few days when it was suggested I might be staying here for a month. I must have done something really bad for God to be punishing me in this way.

    It is day 7 now and I have made a list of the many things I miss from home already. After a month, I will be a basket case for sure.

    1. My big screen TV. When you have to squint to watch TV something is wrong. I think the TV in my room might be 19 inches. At home I have a 60 inch. I miss my TV.

    2. My DVR. I did not realize how dependent I was on this electronic device. For instance, I have no clue what time/channel anything is on anymore because my DVR just finds it and records it for me to watch later. I have already missed Downton Abbey because I could not find PBS on this stupid TV. I don’t like to miss Downton Abbey.

    3. My washer and dryer. Today I had to go wash my clothes in a laundromat for the first time ever. I did not care for this too much. An elderly Hispanic man plopped his chair in front of my dryer and was watching my granny panties spin around in the dryer. I was going to act all mad about it and make him move but really I was a little flattered.

    4. My time zone. Eastern time sucks. I tried to keep my butt up late enough to finish all these football games but I have only managed to make it into the 3rd quarter before passing out.

    5. Home cooking. Even Bagel Bites sound like a treat right now.

    6. My garage. I am not used to scraping  ice off my windshield every morning. I tried to get the desk clerk to do it for me one morning. He refused. Talk about shitty customer service.

    7. My car. The rental car I have been set up to drive was made for midgets. I have already emailed the travel company that set up this car to see if I can exchange it for an Escalade. For some reason she hasn’t responded.

    8. Redbox. I rent a bunch of movies. These things are on every corner back home. I have yet to find one here. It would be nice to grab a movie to watch on my laptop one night but that just isn’t an option.

    9. My friends. Oh, I have friends here too. Brittani, the desk clerk and weirdo George across the hall (he sits outside his room in a pool chair eating Cheetos and waving to everyone that passes by). But they aren’t near as wonderful as my friends back home.

    I can’t wait to get home but I will make the best out of the situation like I always do. Tonight, George and I are roasting marshmallows over his lighter to make some smores. Good times.


  5. Resolutions Remedy

    January 5, 2013 by C.

    Yea, right.

    Yea, right.

     

     

     

    I don’t think I have ever kept one single New Years resolution I set for myself. Although, I never do what I set out to, I still write down resolutions every single year knowing I will never stick with it. Well those days are over brothers and sisters! Can I hear an Amen?

    I have a few resolutions for 2013 but they are  ones I can actually fulfill and not hate myself so much. Why do we torture ourselves year in and year out with this stuff?

    I thought I would share a few of my doable resolutions with you and encourage you to create and share your own with me.

    1. I will eat at least 4 bags of Oreos this year.

    2. I will gain no less than 3 lbs and no more than 25 lbs this year.

    3. I will workout by twirling around more in my office chair. I can only imagine the amount of calories that will burn.

    4. I will bathe every single day even if I would prefer to lay on my Coke splattered sofa in my big butt pajamas eating Doritos and cursing out Thomas from Downton Abbey (he is just evil).

    5. I will not recycle.

    6. I will write at least 2 blog posts a week, but no more than 5 because you all would get sick of me if you aren’t already.

    7.  I will eat a fruit OR a vegetable a day.

    8. I will spend less than 12 hours on the internet per day (Damn you, Pinterest!)

    That should do it. I feel confident I can handle making all of these happen and I will not hate myself four months from now.

    I am just about to the 12 hour mark of being on the internet today so I must shut down now. These resolutions might be more difficult than I thought.