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February, 2013

  1. And the Oscar Goes To…

    February 24, 2013 by C.

    Can't wait!

    Can’t wait!

    I have been busy all day today getting ready for one of my favorite nights of the year…The Academy Awards. For as long as I can remember, my mom and I have had a little party that night and of course, a contest to see who is best at picking the winners.

    This year we are going all out. We have even bought gowns to wear. Check out mine. I got it at the Thrift store for a quarter. I have no clue why it was so cheap, but their loss is my gain.

    Love sock monkeys!

    It looks better on me because I have arms

    I am gonna look so hot in that.

    Next, I have borrowed a sweet ride from Hollerbach Funeral Home to drop us off at the curb of the house so we can walk up the red carpet. Several of my friends will line up snapping pictures so I can strike a pose that I am sure will wind up in the Joplin Globe tomorrow morning.

    When you die, just Holla at Hollerbach Funeral Home to bury your ass.

    When you die, just holla at Hollerbach Funeral Home to bury your ass.

     

     

    Let’s go over my picks. Take these to the bank. I am so gonna kick my mom’s butt this year.

    Best Picture: “Argo”

    Best Director: Spielberg will win but I would LOVE for Ang Lee to win for “Life of Pi”…a book that everyone thought could never be made into a movie but this man did it and did it well.

    Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis

    Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence– Her 2nd time nominated. I thought her performance in “Winter’s Bone” was better than “Silver Lining” but she was up against Natalie Portman’s performance in “Black Swan” that year so I think her time has come to take one home.

    Best Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones

    Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway

    Original Screenplay: “Django Unchained”

    Adapted Screenplay: “Argo”

    Best Original Song: “Skyfall” Adele

    And we always have a couple of hard ones so we don’t end in a tie.

    Best Foreign Film: “Amour”

    Best Animated Feature Film: “Wreck-it Ralph”

    Last but not least, we fix lots of snacks to eat during the show because we have starved ourselves to get into our gowns.

    My contribution this year is called The Charleston Cheese Dip. If you like dipping stuff in ooey gooey cheese this is the recipe for you.

    Charleston Cheese Dip
    Servings: 10

    Prep time: 10 min
    Cook time: 15 min
    Total time: 25 min

    Ingredients:

    1/2 cup mayonnaise

    1 ( 8 oz) package cream cheese, softened

    1 cup grated sharp cheddar cheese

    1/2 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese

    2 green onions, finely chopped

    Dash of cayenne pepper

    8 Ritz or butter crackers, crushed

    8 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled

    Directions:

    Preheat oven to 350 F. In a medium bowl, mix the mayonnaise, cream cheese, cheddar cheese, Monterey jack cheese, green onions and cayenne pepper. Transfer mixture to a shallow baking dish, such as a 9 inch pie pan. Top the mixture with the cracker crumbs and bake for 15 minutes or until thoroughly heated. Remove the pan from the oven and top with bacon. Serve immediately with corn chips, crackers or bagel chips. *I personally prefer scoupable Tostitos*

    Time for me to start getting ready. This afternoon I will get a special haircut for tonight. Bangs are hot right now since Mrs. Obama decided to rock them.

    My lips will match the sock monkeys on my dress!

    My lips will match the sock monkeys on my dress!

    Enjoy the Oscars everyone!


  2. Albany Mom Brings Her Milkshake to an Assembly

    February 21, 2013 by C.

    Hubba hubba

    Hubba hubba

     

     

    An elementary school in Albany, NY had some excitement last Friday. This hot mess, Aydrea Meaders, was attending the school assembly that morning and jumped up to join the kids in a dance routine. Cute, huh? I am sure it was until she threw down her coat and started stripping from the waist up in front of 200 small children.

    I would say that was the most those kids have paid attention to what’s going on in school the whole year.

    All the little boys were probably screaming, “Look! Boobies!!!!”

    School staff rushed the stage and tackled her until the authorities could arrive to make the arrest. She was charged with seven counts of Endangering the Welfare of a Child and one count of Public Lewdness. I am not sure where they came up with only seven counts when there were 200 children blinded for life, but whatever…must be new math or something.

    The most tragic part of this whole story is she is the parent of one of these children. Can you imagine how humiliating it would be? I mean, this isn’t your Mom telling an embarrassing story in front of your friends…this is Mom nakedness in front of your whole school. I suppose it would be different if she was at least hot, but as you can see, she isn’t hot and she shook it so hard her eyeballs are all crooked now.

    The child’s classmates will forever be asking him,” Dude, remember when your Mom stripped at our assembly?” The lunch ladies will give him extra tater tots because they feel sorry for him. Teachers will chuckle in his face as he turns in homework assignments. The janitor will ask, “Hey, will your Mom come strip at my buddy’s poker night?” Poor kid.

    The next assembly this school year is “Spring Has Sprung” featuring Todd Phillips as the dancing tulip. Hopefully, Aydrea won’t be “sprung” from jail to join Todd on stage for that one.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  3. Freak Show

    February 17, 2013 by C.

    I just want to say I am so mad at all of you that encouraged me to try to get on the show, “My Strange Addiction” after the producers approached me to appear on the show with my ketchup addiction.  *click the link to read all about my problem in case you missed it*

    Last night I just happened to have a few episodes of the new season on the DVR so I thought I would watch. The first episode was so disgusting I deleted it right after the preview. A woman who licks her cats. Seriously, gives her damn cats a bath WITH HER TONGUE ! I was gagging thinking about it so I had to move on to the next episode.

    The next episode is of Mark and his blow up pool float addiction. Yea, you heard me. He is making out with a blow up whale and is totally in love with a blow up dragon. He talks to them, people. My eyeballs were popping out of my head watching this fruitcake in action. I wanted to stop watching it but I couldn’t. I am not sure what that says about me exactly but I am sure it’s not a good thing.

    So, I am sharing a small part of Mark’s episode so you all can see what you almost got me into. They would have had me making out and God only knows what else, with a Heinz ketchup bottle on national television.

    Y’all are on my shit list for real. Just watch this lunatic in action. When you see him with a pool toy, imagine me with my ketchup bottle.


  4. Grammys with a Granny

    February 14, 2013 by C.

    And the Grammy goes to...

    And the Grammy goes to…

     

     

     

    I love watching the Grammy Awards. Music is one of my most favorite things in the world and nothing gives me more pleasure than to watch all of these incredible musicians dress up and come out to jam. Bruno Mars with Sting was one of my favorite performances of the night. Overall, I think it was one of the better Grammy shows I have seen in years.

    The evening after the show I stopped by my Mom’s house. We had a little chat about the Grammy Awards.

    Mom: I really enjoyed the Grammys last night. There were several groups I had never heard of but I really like them now.

    Me: Like whom?

    Mom: Well, Munford and Sons…they were really good. That lead singer, Munford, I guess…he looks a lot like Tim Tebow. Oh, and the group that got rained on…what is their name?

    Me: Fun. Mom, it’s Mumford and Sons.

    Mom: Oh,ok. There is one more…I just can’t think of their name.

    Me: What did they look like? Or hum the song, I will help you figure it out.

    Mom: It was something like, “Hey ho!” The lead singer had his microphone pointed up high and when he had his mouth open he looked like he was ready to catch a grape in his mouth. It was weird, but I liked their song.

    Holy crap, she is right!

    Holy crap, she is right!

    Me: They are The Lumineers.

    Mom: That’s right…I knew their name started with an L. Is that a song about soliciting a prostitute? I would hate to tell people I like that song if that’s what it’s about.

    Me: Wow, it’s getting late. I better head home.

    I can’t wait to report on all her comments after our annual Academy Awards party. Of course, if she reads this and gets crabby (like she normally does when I blog about the things she says) I might have to watch it alone.

     

     


  5. Juan Bad Chimichanga

    February 11, 2013 by C.

    When I was in Springfield last month, a couple of Mexican restaurants were highly recommended to me. The first place was not very busy at all. As we headed toward the front door, Mom whispered loudly, “Did you hear that??” I said no and went on inside. We were seated at a table near the front door and Mom leans towards me and says, “Did you not hear that poor animal out back?”

    “Mom, what are you talking about?”

    “I heard an animal whimper like it was being hurt and it came from the back door of this restaurant. I think they are serving dog meat.”

    Of course she orders a beef and bean enchilada plate, took one bite of the beef and wouldn’t eat any more of it claiming it was dog meat. “I can tell you this for sure…it was not beef.”

    A week later we tried another Mexican establishment. We probably should have left when we saw the waiters that would be taking care of us.

    WTH??

    WTH??

    The restaurant was filled with a very odd smell. I thought it was possibly a little body odor coming from these guys.

    The chef came out to welcome us to the restaurant. I am not sure which made me more nervous, the knife or her showing me her legs. I got the feeling she had lots of bitches when she was in prison.

    Nice legs

    Nice legs

    The waiters stood in a corner and whispered, pointing at me. Looking back, I think they put some sort of hex on me for all of the times they had to refill the chips and salsa.

    “Hector, she eat too much. What is that old curse that makes someone so sick they never eat again?”

    “Oh, I got it. Abracadabra…Alejandro…Taco Hell…twits and shits. Thinner you will be!”

    And that is just what happened. I was so sick after barely touching my food that night. I dropped 5 lbs in 2 days. I managed to get to work the next morning and created a huge mess.

    The bathroom at work after I had an "episode".

    The bathroom at work after I had an “episode”.

    Here is what I had to eat the entire week after dining at this place:

    1 banana

    2 cups of orange Jell-O

    2 cups of chicken broth

    2 scrambled eggs (towards the end of the week)

    a piece of dry toast

    After being home for a week I am finally starting to get my appetite back. But you won’t find me in a Mexican restaurant anytime soon, unless of course Juan Direction is performing in the bar. Pedro is soooooooooooo cute!

    That's Pedro on the sax

    That’s Pedro on the sax

     

     

     

     


  6. The Avis A-holes

    February 7, 2013 by C.

    Whatever

    Whatever

     

     

     

    I am back home after my month of adventures in cold and snowy Springfield, OH.

    Of course, my trip home could not be uneventful now, could it? It is me we are talking about. Good or bad, shit always happens to me that happens to no one else on earth. This was one of those circumstances.

    I got off work a little after 5 pm that Friday and was headed to the hotel to start packing for the drive home Saturday morning. I received a text from my weather guru friend Cindy, warning me of a snowstorm that I would run into somewhere around Indianapolis, IN on Saturday. Uh oh.

    After a quick discussion with Mom, it was decided we would leave that night. Bags flying, throwing dirty clothes at each other, we quickly packed up. I grabbed two of the carts for luggage to roll out to the car and we headed out the front door.

    The backseat was loaded with all the things we might need during our trip and we had saved the luggage and other baggage to put in the trunk. I pushed the button on the remote to pop the trunk. Nothing. I tried the lever by the driver’s seat. Again, nothing. Last resort, I tried the old-fashioned way and put the key in the trunk keyhole. It would turn, but the trunk would not open. Everything was tried to get the trunk open and it would not budge. So I had seen an Avis location behind the hotel in a shopping center. I drove over as quickly as I could to see if I could switch out cars or maybe someone there could get it open. They had already closed for the night.

    We had already checked out of our room, our luggage piled high in the middle of the lobby. I realized the trunk was frozen shut but I really had no idea how to fix that. Mr. Genius wanders into the lobby to suggest we go across the street to Target, buy a hairdryer and a very long extension cord and heat up the trunk until it pops. Did he ever volunteer to go out and take a look? Maybe see if his boy muscles could pop it open? Oh, hell no. Sure as shit ladies, chivalry is dead.

    I called Avis. The way I looked at it was if they would bring me gas for being stupid enough to run their car out of fuel, surely they would come open this trunk. I explained the whole story of a snowstorm coming, having checked out of the hotel and needing to leave town as soon as possible.

    Avis Asshole: “How did this happen?”

    Me: “God is trying to punish me for something.”

    Avis Asshole: “I am serious. How did this happen?”

    Me: “I have no idea. It is freaking cold here and it snows a bunch…my guess is that is somehow related to the trunk being frozen shut.”

    Avis Asshole: “Well, we don’t provide roadside assistance for frozen trunks.”

    Me: “But if I were to run the car out of fuel, you would send someone? That makes a lot of sense. I guess I will go run the car out of gas and then give you a call so someone can bring me gas and open the damn trunk.”

    Avis Asshole: “What do you want me to do?”

    Me: “Send someone to open this trunk or give me a different car to drive home. Pretty simple.”

    I have him on speaker phone in the lobby. Every once in a while my mom would jump in and say things like, “Well the next time her company rents her a car for a month she won’t be using Avis, you jackass.” I really don’t understand why he didn’t want to help us.

    He told me I could drive 25 miles to the airport in Dayton, Ohio and have them try to open the trunk. If they could not open it they would give me a different rental car to take home. I really didn’t want to do all that driving…such a waste of time. I just wanted to get out of there. I told Avis Asshole we were going to try one more time to get it open and if it didn’t work, I would drive to the airport.

    My bright idea was for Brittany (the desk clerk at Fairfield Inn) to pour hot water all over the trunk while I tried to pop it. She did and with the two of us pushing like hell it finally popped. I tossed the luggage in the trunk, we gave Brittany big hugs and took off.

    We made it back to Missouri without running into the snowstorm. I returned the car to Avis without saying a word about the incident. What do I get for keeping my mouth shut?

    Avis Asshole #2: “I guess I will have to get this in quickly for an oil change since you put so many miles on it.”

    Well, I guess I should have changed the oil while I was popping the trunk. My bad!