RSS Feed

March, 2013

  1. Homeless Relations

    March 26, 2013 by C.

    Going to have to Google midget porn today. I had no idea!

    Going to Google midget porn today. I had no idea!

     

     

     

    I seem to have the worst luck with homeless people. They are drawn to me. I am not sure why other than maybe they think I look like a person who would keep candy bars and $20 bills on me at all times.

    A few years ago, I was sitting at a McDonald’s drive-thru with my windows down a bit because it was a beautiful fall day and the fresh air felt nice. I was in a daze thinking about the french fries I was about to devour when a homeless man suddenly appeared at my passenger door. I hit the door lock button as quickly as I could but totally forgot about the window being down. He stuck his head in the window, looks at me and says,” I haven’t had sex since 1986.”

    I am completely in shock as you can imagine and cannot move the car forward or backward because of where I am in the drive-thru. I muttered something like, “Sorry, can’t help you with that” and he slowly backed his head out of the window. Just then the car in front of me moved up and I pulled forward. I looked in the rear view mirror and he was walking across the parking lot like he had somewhere to be.

    Hopefully, I won’t look back at that moment twenty years from now asking myself, “What if I had done the homeless guy? Would I be happier?” Right now I feel pretty good about the decision though.

    Then just yesterday I had another experience. I ran into Walgreens for a few items and had reserved a couple of movies from the Redbox in front of their store. I got my items and headed out to the box. There was a woman standing right next to the Redbox in a dirty maroon hoodie drinking a Dr. Pepper. I stepped by her to get to the box and she says, “The dreams concur.”

    She proceeds to keep talking but after that it was more like a conversation so I thought she possibly was wearing a bluetooth and talking to someone on a cell phone.  But she turns just enough so I can see out of the corner of my eye that she has nothing on either ear.

    Can this stupid Redbox move any slower??

    Then she says,” Yep…yep I got me some Ruffles and a Dr. Pepper. Yep. So good. Need to talk to this lady about my previous life and her previous life. We were related.”

    Um, I think she means me.

    The last movie pops out and I haul ass to get into my car before I am subjected to the previous lives exploration with the crazy woman in front of Walgreens.

    I am sure she was going to tell me I borrowed $18,000 from her in my past life and she was there to collect or she possibly just wanted to tell me she hadn’t had sex since 1986. Either way, I wasn’t going to stick around to find out.

     


  2. Making Me Smile

    March 17, 2013 by C.

     

    I love this video. I think I have watched it every morning for the past week. What a way to start the day with a big fat grin on your face. I love how she puts down her purse so she can really bust out some moves for us. I also love the end where our little granny busts out the “f” word.

     

     


  3. Mysterious Neighbor

    March 14, 2013 by C.

    Sweet ride

    Sweet ride

     

     

    I have a neighbor that I rarely see. He has lived next door for six months now. Once a month for a couple of days I see his convertible BMW parked in the driveway and then he is gone again. Usually a few hours after he arrives an older Nissan Sentra pulls up in front of his house and a hot blonde gets out and goes in.

    Took a pic on my way out the door after getting kicked out

    Took a pic on my way out the door after getting kicked out

     

     

     

     

    This is her. I followed her to her Yoga class one day. I snapped the photo as they were kicking me out the door. Apparently, yoga folks frown upon gas issues some people may have when attempting to do an Upward Facing Dog pose. Go figure.

    Mystery man

    Mystery man

     

    Meet Jeremy Renner. My mysterious neighbor looks just like him. Seriously. The one time I was able to get a peek at this guy, he was sitting out on the front steps in his pjs one Sunday morning playing with his cell phone. I so wanted to walk up and interrogate him.

    “Do you work for the CIA? Are you Jeremy Renner’s twin brother? Maybe you are a terrorist. Do you watch Homeland? I love that damn show. Do you know Claire Danes? Is she bi-polar in real life? For the love of God, please put me in handcuffs!”

    I thought twice about this and went on in the house without even acknowledging his presence (I bet that drove him nuts).

    He was home this past weekend. Same drill. Blonde bimbo shows up. They rarely leave the house. I tried peeping in the windows but never saw them. In 6 months the man has never even taken his trash to the curb. Does he not have trash? How is this possible? I want to get in his house so badly and snoop around. Would that really be illegal if I suspect he is up to no good? I would call that community service.

    It will be another month before he is in town again. I am going to do my best to find out more info on mystery man. Please be saving up your money…I might need one of you to bail me out of jail soon.


  4. Eavesdropping at the Salon

    March 9, 2013 by C.

    Gettin' glam

    Gettin’ glam

     

     

    A few nights ago, I had an appointment to get my hair all fluffed up. The salon was busy that evening and full of women chatting away. One conversation in particular caught my attention…

    Woman in chair next to me: “Well, I need to get home and figure out what I am doing for dinner. Jim is out-of-town, so it’s just me.”

    Her hair stylist:” Oh, I love when my husband is out-of-town. I can eat whatever I want…no pressure to fix anything. It is funny before I married my husband he would have cereal at night for dinner, now he expects full meals.”

    Woman in chair next to me: “ I know…I love when my husband is gone too…I can eat what I want, watch what I want on tv, go to bed when I want, read in bed for as long as I want, I don’t get pestered for sex (massive giggles from every woman in the salon)…so much more relaxing with him gone. Like tonight I will probably just boil some eggs and have a salad. He would never eat anything like that for dinner.”

    Her hair stylist: “Sometimes I get so tired of trying to figure out what to feed him so I just come home and say we are having sandwiches for dinner tonight. I will go fix my sandwich and flop down on the couch and he just stares at me like I have set the house on fire. So I say, “What?” He actually says, “Well, aren’t you going to fix one for me?”

    I look up at my hairdresser and say, “I am so damn glad I never got married.”

    She looks down at me and says, “ And I am so glad my divorce was finalized in February.”

     

     

     

     


  5. Funny Video Friday

    March 1, 2013 by C.

    A couple of videos have had me chuckling all week. Just had to share…

     

     

    The latest craze seems to be duets with screaming goats. This is one of the better ones…