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April, 2013

  1. A Shelter From the Storm

    April 26, 2013 by C.

    Love these storm shelters.

    Love these storm shelters.

     

     

     

    One day last week we had a very good chance for tornadic activities in our area and since the F5 that went through here about 2 years ago, I don’t fart around anymore or go stand in the yard trying to spot a funnel. We had a storm shelter installed in the backyard. Since the day it arrived I have been prepping it for the next tornado that comes through.

    I texted my weather guru friend Cindy that night and asked would she please call if the sirens were going off because chances are I would not hear them. I purchased a weather radio but it only seems to go off for freeze warnings and not during stormy weather. There is nothing like having a damn heart attack because a loud alarm goes off in your house to warn you to bring in your already dead plants.

    The cell phone woke me up around 1:30 am. I mumbled a greeting into the phone and heard Cindy’s voice on the other end.

    “I have called four times now, dumbass. Get in your storm shelter, the sirens are going off.”

    Click.

    I frantically grabbed a sweatshirt and the bag I kept packed by the back door. I ran outside into the middle of a downpour. Got to the cellar, opened the door and remembered I had promised the elderly couple across the street I would unlock our gate if they want to come join us in the shelter. I ran back inside the house, grabbed the gate key and ran across the yard dodging lightning bolts to unlock the gate, then ran back across the yard to jump in the cellar. I guess I can’t say run as I don’t do that…more like the trot like a rhino in heat. Needless to say, I was soaking wet.

    I got the door shut and couldn’t see much. My hands skimmed the walls until I found the battery-powered lights I hung on the walls and was happy to see they were still working. Flipped out one of the lawn chairs and started digging in the large storage bin that contained the crank radio. I sat back in my chair and looked around at the cement dungeon and was pretty proud of myself for making it as comfortable as I had and that it was all down here waiting for me to use. No running around the house digging deep in closets trying to find a flashlight…I was actually prepared…prepared for about the first 15 minutes.

    It didn’t take long for my hands to get very cold. Then the chill spread all over my body. The only blanket I had down there was sealed in cellophane and is basically like tin foil. You wrap a large piece of foil around your body and it keeps your heat in. I didn’t want to open it up and have to fold it back up small enough to fit into my storage container again. I was praying the old couple from across the street would show up and bring some hot cocoa and Snuggies for all. No such luck.

    I left a note on their front door the next morning…

    Old folks,

    We had a tornado siren going off last night. I was disappointed that you did not grab your canes, load up Oscar’s oxygen tank and run over to join me in the storm shelter. I will assume that the reason is you took your hearing aids out when you went to bed. If you don’t want your asses blown away, I suggest you leave them in from now on.

    Your kind and generous neighbor,

    Chanin

    P.S. I was almost electrocuted trying to unlock the gate for you all, so if you are not going to join me it would be nice to receive at least a text message so I don’t risk my life again for you unappreciative old farts.  And don’t use the excuse you can’t see to text because of your cataracts. They have surgery to fix that shit, so get it scheduled…not like you have anything better to do.

    Needless to say, lesson learned. I have bought a radio to keep in my bag so it is easily accessible and I have carried down several old blankets to keep me warm.

    If I can figure out a way to install a hot chocolate maker this roughing it during storms might not be so bad.


  2. Devil Driving my Dream Car

    April 21, 2013 by C.

    Hello beautiful!

    Hello beautiful!

     

     

    A Buick Enclave, also known as my dream car. In my world, spending over $40,000 on a car like this is not feasible. The only way I would ever own a car like this is if I were to win the Powerball. Until that happens I will continue driving a Kia.

    This is my favorite color for the Enclave. Every morning on my way to work I pass this car…my dream car. One morning I looked over trying to get a peek at the person driving my baby. This really was not a wise thing to do because I have started to dislike this woman.

    She is older…I would say late 50’s, dresses like an old lady in those gross polyester print shirts and has a ring on every finger (why do women do this???). But here is the real pisser. SHE SMOKES IN MY CAR! As you can see from the photo she does crack the window a bit to flip out her ashes and drop the butts when she is done. How considerate.

    I sometimes talk to my car as I am passing by…

    Me: Good morning beautiful!

    Car: Hey.

    Me: Why so sad?

    Car: She burnt a hole in my seat with her nasty cigarette this morning.

    Me: That’s it! I am going to smash her prune face into…

    Car: Calm down…I will live.

    Me: You should be with me. She doesn’t deserve you.

    Car: Chanin, you couldn’t afford me. I would just get repoed.

    Me: Ouch. The truth hurts. Well, I will figure something out to get you away from her. Until tomorrow my love…

    It really is torture passing this woman daily. I have considered taking other routes but I have to stop at Walgreens daily and going any other way would make me late for work. So I must suffer.

    It makes me wonder if there are any people driving past me every morning jealous of my awesome Kia Rondo.

    Probably not.

     

     


  3. A Few of My Favorite Things…

    April 14, 2013 by C.

    So wonderful

    So wonderful

     

     

    Occasionally I like to share a few things I am loving. Unlike Oprah, I get none of these things free and I do not get paid to say I love them. Not yet, anyways.

    First up is this wonderful memory foam pillow I bought a few days ago for $30 at Sam’s Club. I do not like being hot when I sleep…especially around my head. This pillow is extremely comfortable and also cools your head. I really didn’t think it would work to be honest, but the minute I laid my cheek on this pillow it was cold. Love it.

     

    As much as it pains me to say this, I love the new Justin Timberlake cd.

    Let's dance!

    Let’s dance!

     

     

    Sometimes I think JT is super full of himself and it really annoys me. I fought long and hard to avoid this cd but I failed miserably. Chances are I could win some money with a video of myself dancing around the house to “Suit and Tie”.

     

     

     

    "Will you accept my hose?"

    “Will you accept my hose?”

     

     

    I hate the Bachelor and Bachelorette. Dumbest shows ever. Why do women watch these?

    This show makes fun of those shows. On this season, Mark is the bachelor and he is a firefighter. The women chasing after him include a homeless woman, a blind woman, a pregnant woman and a woman who refuses to wear pants.

    The show is on Monday nights on E! television. It is the most entertaining 30 minutes you will have all week.

    I wish this place didn't exist.

    I wish this place didn’t exist.

     

     

    I hate this website and by hate I mean I love it so much I hate it. If you like to decorate your home at all you will love this site.

    Some things are very expensive (they sell furniture) and some are quite affordable. The only negative about this place is it takes FOREVER to get your items.

    This month they are offering free shipping. You can check them out here…

    https://www.jossandmain.com/

    This book is so wonderful.

    This book is so wonderful.

     

    This is a young adult novel. Having heard so much about it, I had to read it. I cried like a big baby. I cried so much and was so upset I wasn’t sure I would be able to go to work the next day. Seriously.

    The book is about two teenagers with cancer that meet in a cancer support group and fall in love. It will be made into a movie with Shailene Woodley (The Descendents) playing “Hazel”. I cannot wait to see who will play “Augustus”.

    You really should read this book. It is hard to explain but it is well worth the crying and depression you will suffer from for a week after reading it.

     

    Brant Dallas deserves to be on Ellen after his expressive dance to LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It”.

    This chubba bubba is a cutie!

     

    Last but certainly not least. Trisha Yearwood is known for her singing and being married to Garth Brooks. She should be known for her cooking. As a matter of fact, she should win the Nobel Peace Prize for this dip that I LOVE so much. I want to warn you it is horribly addictive. If I don’t get this at least once a month everyone around me pays for my crabbiness.

    Here's to Saint Trisha Yearwood!

    Here’s to Saint Trisha Yearwood!

     

    It doesn’t look like much but it is one of the best dips I have ever had in my whole life. God Bless you, Trisha Yearwood!

    If you would like to make it here is the link to the recipe.

     

    http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/trisha-yearwood/charleston-cheese-dip-recipe/index.html

     

    That’s it for now. I gotta run and get my pie plate of dip out of the oven.


  4. Martha Stewart is Overrated

    April 2, 2013 by C.

    Totally jazzed up my front door.

    Totally jazzed up my front door.

     

     

     

    As I have shared in the past, I love Pinterest. I really feel it is life-changing and one of the best things ever invented. If I did not have to work, I would probably spend days upon days pinning things to my boards without even sleeping or showering.

    I haven’t been writing as much lately because I have been involved in several projects around the house that I found on Pinterest. One of them was this cute wreath made of nuts. It’s a Martha Stewart creation. I was out to prove if Martha can do it, so can Chanin.

    Once everything was gathered, I whipped this up in no time at all and practically raced to hang it on my front door. I had visions of random people stopping by begging me to make one for them and I charge them $100 for my labor and would soon be able to quit my full-time job and just sit at home making nut wreaths, watching Ellen and eating Doritos. Almost as good as hitting the Powerball.

    This wreath lasted two days. The squirrels in the neighborhood apparently thought I had made them a giant treat. I could hear animal chitter chatter outside but didn’t think much of it. When translated it went something like this:

    Leader squirrel: “Everyone, gather around. This lunatic has made us a giant treat! Run as fast as you can and let everyone know to meet here in an hour. I think she may be trying to make up for shooting at us whenever we got near her stupid bird feeder in the backyard.”

    Squirrel Men Folk: “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Those nuts will be ours in no time!”

    Squirrel Women Folk: “I bet the wreath was a lame Martha Stewart idea.”

    Within a few hours of hanging my wreath, I thought I was under attack by wild birds. Every so often I would hear a very loud WHAP against the front door. I would look out the peep-hole and see nothing. The noises were so insane I was scared to open the door to look. There is no other way to look at my porch from inside the house so I really had no other choice but to call 911.

    The cops arrive and have a grin from ear to ear on their faces. It was then I noticed that half of the nuts on my wreath were missing.

    Bad cop: “Ma’am we turned the corner and saw an army of squirrels attacking your front door. Maybe you should not have a wreath made of nuts hanging out here. But it looks like we cracked the case.”

    They look at each other and just die laughing. I just stared at them.

    Good cop: “Get it?? Cracked?? Like cracking nuts??”

    Yes, I got it.

    I mumbled,” Thanks officers” and slowly shut the front door as they turned to walk away.

    Bad cop: “Everyone thinks they are Martha Stewart these days…what a lame idea.”