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June, 2013

  1. Game of Thrones Got Me Fired

    June 27, 2013 by C.

    Love this show!

    Love this show!

     

     

     

     

     

    Recently I finished watching all three seasons of The Game of Thrones…within a week. You could say I was and still am addicted. Having watched so many episodes in such a short amount of time, I have been accidentally saying things to people as they would say them on the show. Considering the show is based during a time over 12,000 years ago, I sound like an idiot.

    The majority of the time it happens at work.

    During a meeting…

    “Pardon me, I must go make water…one too many cups of coffee today.”

    Questioning my boss when he tells me to do something…

    Boss: “Do it because I am your boss.”

    Me: “My Lord, any man who must say, I am the king, is no true king.”

    Needless to say, I don’t have a job anymore.

    At the doctor’s office…

    Dr.: “How are things going? Are you feeling ok?”

    Me: “I always take figs mid-afternoon. Helps move the bowels.”

    Dr.: “I see. Well, I would still like to run some tests.”

    Me: “Tests are like nipples on a breastplate…useless, good sir.”

    On dates…

    Me: “My lord, just so you know I am not wearing any small-clothes.”

    Date: “Small-clothes?”

    Me: “Sorry my lord, underwear.”

    At restaurants…

    Me: “Servant girl! Fetch me more mutton stew.”

    Server: “Stop calling me servant girl and I assume you mean you want another bowl of chili. Where the hell are you from anyways?”

    Jury duty…

    Judge: “Jury, will you read the verdict?”

    Me: “My lady, people often claim to hunger for the truth, but seldom like the taste when it’s served up.”

    Judge: “Wonderful, another Game of Thrones freak.”

    Last but not least, as the summer heats up and makes me extremely miserable I repeat to myself over and over, “Winter is coming.”

     

     

     

     

     


  2. Spam Attack

    June 21, 2013 by C.

    Make it stop!

    Make it stop!

     

     

     

    The amount of spam I receive is quite ridiculous. I wish I knew what I had bought or signed up for to cause this or maybe it just happens. Watching online porn is not really something I partake in, but I sure get all sorts of offers. If a stranger were to peek inside my spam box they would think I am a kinky hot mess. Some of this stuff I am not even sure what it means. Oh, and of course because I have such a weird name, they think I am a dude which tends to make things much worse. Here are a few examples:

    Um, hell no I am not ready for ration lines. I like to eat…if I have to wait in line 5 minutes at the McDonald’s drive-thru I get really pissed off. 

    Dear Survivalists,

    Do you hear it?

    The sound of 16 hooves galloping quickly towards us?

    The four horsemen of the food apocalypse are riding and nothing will be left in their wake, unless you prepare for it…

    How many times do I have to say it??? Don’t even think of messing with my food, people! My hands are lethal weapons and I will whip your ass and the four horsemen over a package of M&Ms…just try me.  

    There are a few that I actually click on to get more information. Like these…


    Are you looking for someone to come over just for s-e-x  ?
    Well you’re not alone.. Most females these days are down for this arrangement as well..Go Here To Find A Booty call to come over now!!!
    Ok, this one I called to lure a man over for sex but when he got here I made him scrape the popcorn off my ceilings. I am no dummy. 

    Enlarge your pole with wonder pills

    This one I called just to get some magic pills so I have more stamina to do things like clean out my closet and refrigerator. Would never want to waste a good amount of stamina on sex. 

     

     


  3. Apparently Chasing Kids with Chainsaw is Illegal

    June 14, 2013 by C.

    Lynn Herzog

    Lynn Herzog

     

     

     

     

    Lynn Marie Herzog, of Winfield, MO was arrested and charged with felony harassment last week. What’s her crime? No, not her nasty case of Rosacea…Lynn was chasing kids with a chainsaw while wearing a ski mask (I feel the mask was to hide her Rosacea so not to cause the children to have horrific nightmares).

    It is unknown why she took the chainsaw after the kids. The mother of one of the boys said she never felt like the kid’s lives were in danger as the chainsaw was not running (I am a little disappointed in you, Lynn).

    The mother, Patricia Manker, and another neighbor reported that the woman has been seen photographing and video- taping the kids in the neighborhood.  That part is more disturbing to me than her chasing them with a chainsaw.

    Recently, I had a similar situation. There were children from the neighborhood playing between my house and the next door neighbor’s (about 6 ft. between the two houses). I could hear a baseball whacking the vinyl siding and knew I should get up and go out to shut them down but I was in the middle of writing in my office and was just irritated. The window in my office overlooks this area of the yard. I turned my computer speakers around and pulled up Spotify to play chainsaw noises as loud as they could possibly play. I then quickly switched to screaming sounds. Then I hit pause and listened.

    “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, did you hear that???” one said.

    “What is going on in there?” asked another.

    “Let’s get out of here I am freaking out!” said another.

    And off they ran as fast as their little trespassing legs could carry them. I hope they come back again and throw their ball over my fence and I can laugh and laugh as they wet themselves from fear of having to ring my doorbell to retrieve it. Lynn Herzog and I are the same person…I just don’t own a chainsaw.

     


  4. Never Leaving Home Again

    June 7, 2013 by C.

    Love it!

    Love it!

     

     

     

     

     

    I never want to leave my house again. Ever.

    Typically, I have always been a home body but it has gotten much worse lately with a few new additions to my home. Family and friends tend to think I am a tightwad because I buy things used or at Black Friday sales, but I really am not tight at all. I just like trying to get better deals on things so I have more money to spread around on other things I want.

    Until a few months ago, all the furniture in my house was used. Most of it was bought at auctions, garage sales or on Craigslist. The last time I had a new set of living room furniture was when I was a 20-year-old buying my first house. I used that set until it completely wore out and replaced it with 2 non-matching loveseats bought at an auction. One day it just hit me. I am 41-years-old, I will never have children and it is highly unlikely I will ever get married. I am on my own and mostly just have myself to depend on. It was time to get my crap together and act like an adult instead of a poor college student.

    After a few months of purchases and some work, I have a home I am now proud of and extremely happy in. Who knew what a difference some furniture could make? All brand new by the way.

    But there is one purchase made in the past few weeks that has really done me in. I bought a Smart 3D television. I have turned my dining room into a den and this new TV is in there. Honestly, I had never seen a 3D TV in action before but have been to plenty of 3D movies. I knew it was cool but really wasn’t sure what to expect from a TV. Every TV I buy from now on will be smart and have 3D. This is the best thing ever. I hate NASCAR but I watched a special that was in 3D with a buddy and we were screaming at the top of our lungs when a tire went flying off a car and shot straight for our heads.  It was simply, spectacular.

    So between being able to push a button and watch all the Netflix and Amazon content I want on a big screen, pulling up HBO on Demand and the 3D programming, I am never leaving again other than going to work. If you want me to attend a function…party, concert or family holiday, I will have to be paid. Celebrities charge people to show up at clubs and restaurants all the time and so shall I. So if you need me somewhere, text me what you will pay and I will get with my agent, Mr. Vizio. But don’t get your hopes up.

     


  5. Study Reveals Plants Can Talk

    June 1, 2013 by C.

    I cannot imagine raising this many.

    I cannot imagine raising this many.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    A new study out states plants can communicate with each other via underground fungi. The plants warn each other about incoming insect attacks. Researchers are very excited about this because they think farms could put this to use by planting a sacrificial plant kept further away from the other crops, if it were attacked the plant would then warn the other plants, giving them more time to prepare.

    All these scientists had to do was ask me. I have known this for several months now. Since I have not raised any children and have no animals to care for, I decided I would raise houseplants. I am sure you think this doesn’t compare to the responsibility of children but you are so wrong.

    The plants have to be watered and fed. If you do either just a little too much, they die. I don’t think you have the same issue with children. As far as I know, children don’t die immediately after eating or drinking too much. Raising plants is a tough, dangerous job but someone has to do it.

    My plants warn each other about me all the time.

    Shamrock: Here she comes again with the food. It tastes like shit and she just fed me 3 days ago. WTH, Aloe?

    Aloe: I know, I feel your pain. I am barely hanging on here. Last week she gave me her version of a pep talk. “Aloe, you cannot die on me! How is it going to look if I let a stupid houseplant die??? Perk up already!”

    Ivy: Oh that’s nothing. Last week she told me houseplants like me are a dime a dozen at Wal-mart and she has no issues throwing me out in the middle of a busy street.

    Bamboo: If I hear about her feng shui shit one more time I am going to kill myself! She has me sitting next to foo dogs now. I don’t know what a foo dog is but they are freaking scary.

    I am sure children have much better attitudes than these unappreciative and spoiled plants of mine. They are very fortunate my feng shui master says I need them more than they need me or they would be put up for adoption or possibly traded in for a nice, quiet Buddha statue.