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August, 2013

  1. A Letter to Billy Ray Cyrus

    August 28, 2013 by C.

    Let's twerk it out!

    Let’s twerk it out!

     

     

     

     

    Dear Billy,

    I am sure your achy breaky heart is completely broken after watching your daughter’s performance at the VMA’s on Sunday night.

     

    Or maybe not, maybe you were really thrilled about her unique and creative use of the foam #1 finger. Those things have been used at thousands of sporting events over the years, but only your daughter was genius enough to think of using it as a giant sex toy. You must be so proud.

     

    Were you equally as thrilled when she rubbed her rump against the privates of a married man? The man who was kind enough to allow her to join him on stage and sing his hit song. Granted, Robin Thicke is a douche and was moving his hips as well (any decent man would have pushed her butt out of his way), but I am guessing he won’t be doing that again once his wife gets a hold of that 10 ft wave of hair on the top of his head.

     

    I noticed she had her head up someone’s ass (yes, not just her own). I know your family is a little different but I have never seen people greet each other in this manner. Dogs yes; people no. Thinking about giving it a try at the next family function to see what kind of reaction I get.

     

    Miley has made it very clear she isn’t interested in being a role model for kids. After that performance, I am pretty sure even Dina Lohan knows Miley is not suitable for that role. I might even go so far as to say Amanda Bynes might be a better choice.

     

    If her objective was to shock everyone, I think she achieved what she set out to do. It was pretty disgusting. My mouth has not hung open that wide, for that long, since I watched a documentary on a man who had sex with his horse (there is some crazy shit on Netflix, man).

     

    If even a third of America felt as dirty as I did after watching her, they too, took four showers after the performance and would like for you to pay their water bill and send some cash for all the gallons of Listerine it took to get the nasty taste out of their mouths. If there was a way to safely bleach my eyeballs and erase my memory, I would run right out and get that done.

     

    The saddest part is, as a woman, I am truly embarrassed for her. She has no self-respect or she would never have done those things. Billy, I blame you for this just as much as I blame her. As her father, I get the feeling you never told her “no” and you might have told her how great she is a few too many times when in fact, she’s occasionally just mediocre. Just because she makes more money than you is no excuse for you to shirk on your duty as her father.

     

    Your daughter is singing about “dancing with Molly” (did you notice MTV bleeped that out? She isn’t saying “Miley” like she claimed when the song first came out), prancing around in next to nothing with her tongue wagging like a rabid dog and mounting teddy bears.

     

    Even after the fact, she was bragging about how many tweets per minute were about her performance (if you are interested 306,000 tweets per minute). Not an ounce of regret or embarrassment. In her eyes, it seemed cool and edgy. In ours, it was awkward and uncomfortable to witness.

     

    Please step up and be a good father. Don’t sit by idly while she ruins herself and her career.  We’ll all be watching what happens in the next months and I really feel it is up to you. Your wife seemed very proud of Miley after the fact, displaying a big smile for the world to see. I can’t imagine having a mom that would approve of that sort of behavior. Once my own mother reads this blog post, she will call and yell at me for two hours about how many curse words I used in this post. See the difference?

     

    I hope so.

     

    Sincerely,

     

    Chanin Bissinger

     

     

     

     


  2. This Just Makes Me Smile

    August 25, 2013 by C.

    Soooooooooooooooo cute. Now I want a baby elephant!

     


  3. The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Almost Reported Me to PETA

    August 23, 2013 by C.

    Not near as cute as this spider!

    Not near as cute as this spider!

     

     

     

    My back has been out all week and it has made me so crabby. After a long day of hobbling around the office and at home, I was so ready to crawl into my bed and relax. To help with that, I had taken a muscle relaxer. The effects of the pill were starting to kick in as I started unmaking my bed.

    I walked over to the chest where I keep a few small pillows I like to prop my face up with and grabbed the one on top. I dropped the pillow on the bedspread and started to walk out of the room when I saw something move from the pillow to my comforter. Moving the pillow aside, I see a small spider.

    Now, I am not a fan of bugs, especially when they are crawling around on the bed I am about to sleep on. The first thought that popped into my head was the little nasty thing crawling in my ear and having babies while I slept (I had no proof it was pregnant , but with the luck I have had the last two weeks, I am sure it was).

    The only thing near me to kill her with was the little pillow.

    Evidently, pillows are not a great tool for killing bugs. She would just curl up into a ball when I whacked her then pop back up and start running.  I was getting more and more frustrated with each whack and whipped around looking for a shoe or anything just to get the job done. Nothing.

    So I tried hitting her harder with the pillow and for extra effect screaming, “Die spider, die!” hoping that in some way it would help.

    Pretty sure I heard the spider reply, “Listen you dumb bitch, hit me with a shoe like a normal person and stop torturing me! If I survive this I am calling PETA straight away.”

    Getting very tired by this point, an idea came to mind. I used the pillow to scoot the spider to the edge of the bed and I sat on her. Then I wiggled my butt around to make sure she was squished. When your back is out the very last thing you want to do is move your pelvis around and of course I was afraid she was poisonous and would get one good bite into my butt before she died, but I did it anyways. So not only, was the comforter stained with spider gunk, so were my shorts. But hey, it worked.

    I ran to the bathroom to check for bite marks even though I didn’t feel anything back there. I was very relieved to see my rear was clear of fang holes. I couldn’t even imagine the poor doctor’s face when they wheeled me in with a spider bite for him to work on. One look at my big butt and he might decide on early retirement. Thankfully, all of that was avoided.

    I think I will call the exterminator this week. This was way too much excitement for this old lady.

     

     


  4. Getting My Game On!

    August 18, 2013 by C.

    Game on, beyotches!

    Game on, beyotches!

     

     

     

     

    I had read bits and pieces of this diet book, but recently went back to it and read a little more. Then came the brilliant idea of doing this with my co-workers. I am a horribly competitive person…if there was any diet in the world that would work for me, it would have to be this one.

    After approaching some of them and coming up with a worthy prize for the winning team, we drew names. Team Flabby had four members including myself, versus Team Tubby with their four members. We were to start the following Monday.

    This diet has a bunch of rules. Every meal must have food from an approved list that consist of a carb, a protein and a healthy fat. Green veggies are unlimited. Fruits count as carbs. You must drink three liters of water per day (which we quickly changed to two liters per day so we wouldn’t spend the whole day in the bathroom). An easy one for me is getting seven hours or more of sleep. When you do each of these things you get points. Each person has a score sheet they are in charge of keeping and turning in once a week.

    The first day, Team Tubby fired one of their members because he ordered a pizza for lunch. It was exciting to see everyone taking it so seriously. Since you do an average score of your members, the teams don’t have to be even, so we continued.

    After the first week two more people dropped out. I lost 2.8 lbs the first week and was pretty happy with that. The diet does take some serious meal planning, but it is certainly manageable.

    But here is the best part of all of this…the five of us that are left are helping each other. We have become like one big team rooting for each other. We share recipe ideas and encourage each other to keep filling up our water glasses. It is pretty amazing that as a group after the first week we lost a total of 19 pounds.

    Considering it only takes 21 days to form a new habit and we are in this competition for four weeks, I am hopeful that this will stick and become a way of life for me. I’m not going to lie, I sure do miss sugar. But it is getting easier every single day. Pretty soon, I bet my ice cream cravings will go away. Yea, right.

     

     

     

     


  5. I Am One Sick Puppy (Drugs are Awesome)

    August 16, 2013 by C.

    Yucky

    Yucky

     

     

     

     

     

    I have been sick for a week. Tuesday morning I was able to get into my doctor to find out what was wrong.

    “Bronchitis,” he said.

    I stopped to get the inhaler, cough syrup and antibiotics he prescribed me.

    The pharmacist said it would be $60 so I paid, took the bag and went on my way. I get home and open it up. The only thing in the bag was the cough syrup. I wanted to cry. Their office is clear across town and I had zero energy to get back out. Thankfully, my mom went to get them for me. So, $130 later I was all set. I took the first dose of everything and went to bed.

    Now, I know he told me the cough syrup was a narcotic but that really means nothing to me. After one teaspoon, I slept for 7 hours. I wish I could say it was without interruption, but I heard my bedroom door swing open (I had one hangar on the back of the door knob). It rattled, stopped and then rattled again like the door was closing. I opened up my eyes and looked. No one was there. Later I asked my mom and she said it wasn’t her. I guess I was either hallucinating or I have a ghost.

    The next night I took another dose and was awakened to someone shooting a machine gun over my right shoulder. It seemed so real, I was screaming my head off. I drifted right back to sleep. Later that morning I woke up with my alarm clock wrapped up in my hand like a baseball. I glanced down at it…8:05 am. Um, I was supposed to be at work 5 minutes earlier. Crap!

    Then last night I had dreams I was on Dancing with the Stars and I won but Tom Bergeron said something that pissed me off and I smashed the mirror ball trophy over his head and walked out. I woke up again with my hand wrapped around the alarm clock, but this time it was only 7:15 am so I was able to make it to work on-time…barely.

    I am not sure what is in this cough syrup, but it is sure making my nights more interesting. Hopefully, it will have me sleepwalking through some great adventures that I will remember later and turn into a best-selling novel or at the very least a Lifetime movie. Drugs are awesome!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  6. A Few of My Favorite Things…Summer Edition

    August 9, 2013 by C.

    Amazing in concert!

    Amazing live show!

     

     

    It is time for the Summer Edition of a few of my favorite things. Kinda like Oprah, but I don’t get paid anything to like this stuff.

    1st up, Ed Sheeran. I am obsessed with him and his music. Even more so after seeing him open for Taylor Swift this past weekend. Check out his cd +.

    Lovely music

    Lovely music

     

    While on the subject of music, let’s chat about one of my all-time faves. Ms. Sara Bareilles has a new cd out called “The Blessed Unrest”. She is so great and this album seems a little more pop to me than her normal stuff but I LOVE it. Of course, my most favorite is the saddest song on the album called, “Manhattan”. I could listen to it 100 times in a row and not get tired of it. I wrote a version of it  myself after hearing it.

    “You can have Manhattan

    cause it costs too much to live there

    the litter and the muggers

    the blizzards from hell”

    Her version might be a little better than mine, but whatever.

    Yum yum, don't touch my bag or I will cut you!

    Yum yum, don’t touch my bag or I will cut you!

     

     

     

     

    Next up we have my favorite new snack…Chex Muddy Buddies…the peanut butter and chocolate flavor. This crap should be outlawed. I can eat a whole bag in one sitting, then grab a straw to suck up all the crumbles in the bottom of the bag. I call it Chanin Crack.

     

     

     

     

    My kind of show.

    My kind of show.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Besides, Orange is the New Black, my other favorite show is Naked and Afraid. You get naked, and they plop you out in the middle of nowhere to survive for 21 days. Each person gets a tool of choice and go off into the wilderness with their new naked friend. I think my tool of choice would have to be sunglasses to shade my eyes from the bright white ass of my partner. Then I am sure after a day of eating grub worms, I would just roll up into a big ball and cry until they extract me. But watching other people suffer from lack of nourishment and bacteria ridden water=classic TV. Oh, they are casting for season 2 if any of you are interested.

    Wonderful book

    Wonderful book

     

     

     

    A few months ago, I joined something called Netgalley.com. Basically, if you have a website they will send you books to read for free(you have to write a review of the book you read); most of them before they even come out to the public (they are sent via an e-reader only). The very first book I chose to read was “The House at the End of Hope Street”.

    I just fell in love with this book. When I read this book, I really wanted the house to exist so I could visit. It is a book that takes you away and makes you feel good reading it. Those are hard to come by these days.

     

     

    Honorable mention…the HBO show “Hard Knocks”. Anything that can give me an inside peek at the best sport in the world (NFL football) is more than ok by me. Love this show every season no matter what team they follow around.

    Well, that is it. In just a few months, I will have the Fall Favorite Things post to share.

     

     

     

     


  7. I Want to go to Prison

    August 1, 2013 by C.

    Love these ladies!

    Love these ladies!

     

     

    Last weekend I binge watched “Orange is the New Black” on Netflix. This show is so addictive, I barely moved off the couch at all on Sunday. Thank God for Papa John’s delivery.

     

    The story is of Piper Chapman, a normal girl that made a mistake once and was named in a trial as part of a plea deal,  so she was sent off to prison to serve 15 months. It is based on a true story of Piper Kerman and was written as a book first (I will be adding it to my Barnes and Noble Wish List).

    The show is smart, funny and seriously entertaining. Each actress plays her character so well…it is an excellent ensemble cast of talented women. The men of the cast are pretty great too.

    Since finishing the show, I cannot help but think I really want to go to prison. Here are the reasons…

    1. It would be so boring, that working out would seem like fun and I would be ripped in no time.
    2. I could catch up on all the books I have ever wanted to read but hadn’t had the time to get around to. In prison, I would have nothing but time.
    3. Free health insurance. It wouldn’t be the best care in the world, but it would be free.
    4. No bills at all. No rent, no car payment and you are provided some really nice scrub outfits that I am all about…especially since they are comfy.
    5. Time to actually work on writing a book.
    6. From what I hear, the food is so disgusting; I would be skinny within 6 months.

     

    The only thing keeping me away from committing a crime and heading off to prison is the fact they do not have internet access. I would want to update Facebook with my smartphone to let everyone know how much fun I was having in prison.

    Lukika getting their heads right, yo!

    Lukika getting their heads right, yo!

     

     

    Chanin Bissinger:

    Check it out! MTV is here filming “Scared Straight”. Lukika gonna bitch slap a few of these twerps. But I think her roots will scare them enough they will never want to be locked up for any time at all. Can you say nasty ass hair? Peace out!

     

    So touching

    So touching

     

     

    Shanice yelled at me and said, “quick take a picture to prove I don’t kill EVERYTHING I come in contact with. Maybe they look at my shit on Facebook and I will get out early for good behavior, cause I could have smashed the shit out of this butterfly.”

     

    I am so intrigued with prison lately, I was searching out a prison pen-pal today. I e-mailed a friend and told her what I was doing.

    “What in the hell is wrong with you?” she asked.

    “I feel bad for them. I am sure it would suck that your only friends are prisoners. Maybe I could change someone’s life,” I replied.

    “You are such an idiot. They will get all sorts of information out of you, not to mention your address and come rob you or kill you when they get out. God, why are we friends?” she asked.

    Maybe I should re-think the whole pen-pal thing or at least only talk to the ones that have life sentences with no chance of parole.