I would have to say I have been extraordinarily awesome this year. I know, I know…you’re not impressed with my Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf. I get it…really I do. But here is the thing, Santa. It makes people happy and they laugh. I think that is a positive thing no matter what grossness the Elf is up to. Think about it old man…you know I am right about this.
Now, back to me. I have been super awesome this year and I have a few things on my list I want you to consider dropping off tonight. Here we go…
1.Henry Cavill. Yea, the new Superman. Don’t worry, I promise not to do bad things to him. I just want him to walk around my house without a shirt on and say in his accent, “Chanin, what can I do for you?” Wouldn’t that be nice? Then I will make him paint my house and clean out the garage.
2. I would like Justin Timberlake and Sara Bareilles to play my birthday party. They would call me up on stage to sing with them and Sara would be like, “Wow, you can sing…you are going out on the road with me” and Justin would just be like, “Damn, girl!” and wink at me constantly.
3. I need to write a bestseller so I can sit at home in my pajamas coming up with more stupid shit to write and make more money. So put the best book idea you can come up with in my stocking please.
4. I need a cottage on the beach to write in. I am sure it would inspire all sorts of crazy shit for me to write about and in the winter, I can let my friend, Cindy stay there so I don’t have to listen to her bitch about the winter weather for months on end.
5. I want a crossbow so I can defend myself against the zombies when they come. What’s that? No zombies? Ha, you are getting senile, Santa. The zombies are coming. Get me this and I guess I will defend your ass too.
6. Please get me this VHS to DVD converter. I need to convert some of my favorite
porn tapes to dvd. Um, I mean my set of Time Life “Little House on the Prairie” tapes.
7. I have been asking for this for years now. It cannot be that difficult. Just pay a bunch of kids in a 3rd world country to whip this up for you. I bet five of them could have it done in an hour and it wouldn’t cost you much more than $1. Make it happen, fat bastard. I need this!
8. I need these zombie slippers to keep my feet warm. Plus, they are damn cool.
Well, I think that’s it. Not much, I know. See how nice I am?????
Oh, one more thing…please make sure all my readers and Facebook followers have a kick-ass Christmas! They are the reason I get up and take my happy pills each and every day.