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December, 2013

  1. My Letter to Santa

    December 24, 2013 by C.

    Read it, fat man!

    Read it, fat man!




    Dear Santa,

    I would have to say I have been extraordinarily awesome this year. I know, I know…you’re not impressed with my Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf. I get it…really I do. But here is the thing, Santa. It makes people happy and they laugh. I think that is a positive thing no matter what grossness the Elf is up to. Think about it old man…you know I am right about this.

    Now, back to me. I have been super awesome this year and I have a few things on my list I want you to consider dropping off tonight. Here we go…

    1.Henry Cavill. Yea, the new Superman. Don’t worry, I promise not to do bad things to him. I just want him to walk around my house without a shirt on and say in his accent, “Chanin, what can I do for you?” Wouldn’t that be nice? Then I will make him paint my house and clean out the garage.

    Hubba Hubba

    Hubba Hubba

    2. I would like Justin Timberlake and Sara Bareilles to play my birthday party. They would call me up on stage to sing with them and Sara would be like, “Wow, you can sing…you are going out on the road with me” and Justin would just be like, “Damn, girl!” and wink at me constantly.

    3. I need to write a bestseller so I can sit at home in my pajamas coming up with more stupid shit to write and make more money. So put the best book idea you can come up with in my stocking please.

    4. I need a cottage on the beach to write in. I am sure it would inspire all sorts of crazy shit for me to write about and in the winter, I can let my friend, Cindy stay there so I don’t have to listen to her bitch about the winter weather for months on end.

    This will do...

    This will do…

    5. I want a crossbow so I can defend myself against the zombies when they come. What’s that? No zombies? Ha, you are getting senile, Santa. The zombies are coming. Get me this and I guess I will defend your ass too.

    Aim for the head!

    Aim for the head!

    6. Please get me this VHS to DVD converter. I need to convert some of my favorite porn tapes to dvd.  Um, I mean my set of Time Life “Little House on the Prairie” tapes.



    7. I have been asking for this for years now. It cannot be that difficult. Just pay a bunch of kids in a 3rd world country to whip this up for you. I bet five of them could have it done in an hour and it wouldn’t cost you much more than $1. Make it happen, fat bastard. I need this!

    Oh how I love this...

    Oh how I love this…

    8. I need these zombie slippers to keep my feet warm. Plus, they are damn cool.

    So awesome!

    So awesome!


    Well, I think that’s it. Not much, I know. See how nice I am?????

    Oh, one more thing…please make sure all my readers and Facebook followers have a kick-ass Christmas! They are the reason I get up and take my happy pills each and every day.

    Peace out!






  2. Another Elf on the Shelf

    December 22, 2013 by C.

    Someone has a problem...

    Someone has a problem…

  3. Elves Update

    December 21, 2013 by C.

    I seem to always forget that some people read my blog, but don’t go to my Facebook fan page. So here are the elves you have missed out on…


    Oh my!

    Oh my! 50 Shades of Grey


    Got an angry phone call from my mother over this one..."People might think you are a pervert!"

    Got an angry phone call from my mother over this one…”People might think you are a pervert!”


    So very tired of this song...

    So very tired of this song…

    The bearded elf

    The bearded elf




  4. Elf Contest Entry

    December 18, 2013 by C.

    I think I will enter a contest with this one over at Baby Rabies. There are some good ones up this year…but this one is unique.


    And I'm lovin' it!

    And I’m lovin’ it!

  5. Friday the 13th Bad Luck

    December 13, 2013 by C.





    Normally, I don’t even notice an upcoming Friday the 13th. For some reason I noticed it on my work calendar Thursday and quietly thought to myself, “oh hell.”

    I was getting ready for work this morning and heard on the radio schools were starting to close because of freezing rain on the roads. Lovely.

    I had just stepped out of the shower and my cell phone was ringing like crazy. I grabbed the phone and it was my mom.

    “You need to stay home today, they say the roads are really icy and dangerous.”

    “Um, I can’t stay home. I need to get to work. I am sure it’ll be fine if I take the main roads.”

    “Is a job really worth risking your life over????????”

    Really???? I finally calmed her down. The ride to work was perfect…just some rain and I didn’t hit any slick spots. I was even nice and called to let her know I made it to work in one piece.

    I can just imagine calling into work saying, “I know I am 42-years-old, but my mom says I can’t come into work today because there might be some ice on the roads. Sorry!”

    I had been there a couple of hours and thought things should go smoothly for the rest of the day. Hahahahaha, I am such an idiot.

    I went to use the restroom. As I pulled my underwear halfway up I heard a big ripping sound. Yep, my underwear. I paused for a moment trying to decide what to do. I pulled again and heard another rip. When all was said and done, the only thing keeping my underwear from falling to the ground was the leg band on my right leg. Wonderful. My first thought was to go commando. I quickly remembered only sluts  and Britney Spears do that.

    I pulled up my pants around them and went back to my desk. I could have gone home, but really who wants to drive all the way home in the middle of the day and not stay there at least long enough for a nap? To go home and change underwear seemed ridiculous. If I had shit my pants, yes. Going half commando, no. Gas is expensive these days.

    My natural MacGyver instincts kicked in. I hid a stapler under my shirt and headed back to the bathroom. I was relieved to see no one was in there. I can only imagine what a person would think hearing a stapler going off in the stall next to them. Pulling the broken waist band pieces together, I snapped in a couple of staples to hold them together. I could live with the giant hole running down my hip.

    This worked great until the points of the staples started scratching my skin. I was certain I had blood running down my leg from it. I looked around, put my tape dispenser under my shirt and went back to the bathroom.

    Once I covered the staples with tape, all was good. I made it through the rest of the day without further Friday the 13th incidents.

    When the hell is the next one? My MacGyvered underwear are proof positive that this shit is for real and I will be staying in bed for the next one.




  6. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 9, 2013 by C.

    I have finally come up with an elf schedule. Be here every Monday, Thursday and Saturday between now and Christmas for a new elf photo. Then starting December 21st, there will be a photo a day until Christmas. I really appreciate all the shares, likes, etc…this is so much fun to do for you all.

    He dribbled a little...says, Piss off, not Riss off!

    He dribbled a little…says, Piss off, not Riss off!

  7. Confessions from a 42-Year-Old Gamer

    December 8, 2013 by C.






    I have enjoyed playing video games since I was a little kid. Back in the day, I was all about my Atari and as the years went by, Nintendo and then Playstation. As a full-blown adult, I allowed myself to purchase a PS3 AND a XBox 360. They were mainly used for parties I would have occasionally (there’s no party like an American Idol karaoke party, people) and for my niece and nephew to play with when they visit. I couldn’t sit more than an hour and play by myself. Until now…

    Two co-workers and I have discovered online gaming. Our game is Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3. We are full-blown crazies, having ordered the headsets so we can talk to each other while playing. My gamer name is “HeartyPrincess” (I would like to say I would have NEVER picked that name for myself…the stupid computer did and they want $10 to allow me to change it). I hate my name but it was quickly changed by my buddies to something far more appropriate for me…”Farty Princess”.

    You might wonder why we need to speak to each other as we play. Well, we coordinate mainly.

    “Farty, you take the right corner and we will be over here in the opposite corner. Fire at will!!!” JimyJ will say to me.

    “Jimy, watch out for “YoMama1″, bastard has a shield! Emptied a clip on him and he still killed me!” I screamed last night.

    Solidrude is normally a very quiet man in real life, but goes insane when blown up by a helicopter. “Damn it, Jimy, get your grenade launcher and go blow his ass up!”

    We also discuss things like which ice cream bar is best. After a long discussion it was agreed the Snickers ice cream bar wins narrowly against the Magnum bars. Important stuff, people.

    My gaming skills are not good at all, but I am good at sitting and snipping people. I will sit in a corner the whole time and shoot people as they run around a corner. I am somehow not coordinated enough to run and shoot accurately. When I have played that way, the most damage I do is shooting off a couple of their toes or possibly giving them a flesh wound, as they unload their clip on my head. That doesn’t make for a very fun time.

    I have gone from not being able to sit and play for more than an hour to playing at least five to six hours at a time. I get mad when I have to take a bathroom break. If I could pee in a cup, that would be awesome (I think that might be what my teammates are doing…they very rarely leave the game for anything). It is nothing for me to go to bed at midnight to be up at six to go to work. I have somehow turned into a thirteen-year-old boy. I am not proud of this…just the facts.

    As I am writing this, my phone is blowing up with text messages.

    “Get online! Let’s play!!!!” sent from Jimy.

    “I am writing at the moment, maybe later,” I reply.

    “Nooooooooooo! Come on, I’m getting slaughtered!” he replies.


    No man left behind…I’ve got to go save him. The life of a Staff Sergeant is never dull, my friends.






  8. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 6, 2013 by C.

    Well, look what I came home to. Damn elf shit in my shoe!




  9. Get Ready for Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 3, 2013 by C.

    Man, I love doing this crap. I hope you enjoy the photos I will be working on this Christmas. My super bad elf, Jax, is ready to entertain you. I am about a week out from getting the ball really rolling but until then…


    Jax likes to annoy Kanye and Kim!

    Jax likes to annoy Kanye and Kim!