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January, 2014

  1. Super Bowl Parties Not So Super

    January 30, 2014 by C.

    The big game

    The big game

     

    The Super Bowl is coming up on Sunday and I have already been invited to many parties. Will I attend these parties?

    Absolutely not.

    Most of you have figured out that I am horribly anti-social but that has nothing to do with it in this case. I am a football freak. To me, the beginning of football season is like Christmas, my birthday, a big income tax return and a brand new bag of Oreos all at the same time. I live for football. I take the game quite seriously and I have found in the past most party attendees do not even know what teams are playing in the game, let alone know the difference between a flea flicker and a play-action pass. Most are what I call, “football ignorant”.

    “George, why is that man screaming at the people on his team?? They look like they’re  all ready to go…what is he screaming about???” *read this in your best Fran Drescher The Nanny voice*

    “Well, honey he’s calling an audible.”

    “What’s an audible??? Oh, that reminds me, you need to make an appointment to get the Audi in the shop, the brakes are squealing again.”

    2 minutes later…

    “OH MY GOD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED???”

    “They returned a punt for a touchdown.”

    “A punk?? Why would they return a punk for a touchdown?? George, please go fix me another margarita. This game is so dull. I don’t know how you boys watch all this nonsense. You should have  just given me the credit card to go shopping today.”

    “George, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GIVE HER YOUR CREDIT CARD AND GET HER THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I REMOVE ALL OF HER HAIR EXTENSIONS AND SHOVE THEM UP HER ASS!!” I scream.

    It’s not always the ladies that are guilty.

    “Tim, what kind of dip is this? It’s amazing!”

    “Not sure David, my wife made it, go ask her.”

    “Gloria, I must have the recipe for this dip. It’s just so delicious. Could you write it down for me, please?”

    “David, could I email it to you tomorrow? The Broncos are in the red zone and I don’t want to miss anything.”

    “Red zone??? Is that some sort of code for  you have your period and you’re extra crabby???”

    I’m going to let Gloria take this one.

    “Get your ass out of my house before I stab you in your eyes with a tampon!”

    By staying at home, I will avoid all the talking over the commentators, all the yelling and all the football ignorants. I might have a couple of people over who completely understand the game and won’t ask me silly questions. My recliner, my 60-inch-tv and my comfy pants. I might even whip up a few snacks.

    I will be in football bliss as I watch the Denver Broncos beat the Seattle Seahawks by a field goal.

    Enjoy the game everyone (if you can) and be safe!


  2. A Hairy Tale

    January 22, 2014 by C.

    My jacked up foot.

    My jacked up foot.

     

     

     

     

    I have a couple of really bad bone spurs in my right foot. After waiting three months to get into my podiatrist, it was finally time to get a shot and relief from some of the pain.

    The nurse came in to get my blood pressure and weight, as she was leaving she asked me to remove my shoes and socks. I did so and climbed back into the chair. I sat twiddling my thumbs waiting for the doctor to come in. Looking down at my bare feet I noticed a giant black hair growing out of the middle of my left ankle, hanging down the length of my foot to my toes (ok, it wasn’t that long, but it was really long). I jumped out of the chair and scrambled to get my sock. It would at least cover it up and that foot is not the one that will be looked at by the doctor.

    The nurse comes back in because she forgot to ask if I needed a new pair of inserts for my shoes. She immediately notices my sock is back on.

    “Hon, you need to have both of your socks off for the exam.”

    “Please don’t make me take it off.”

    ”Sometimes he likes to look at both feet for a comparison…swelling etc. So, we really need it off.”

    In a whispery/mortified voice I say, “Look, I missed shaving a hair on my ankle. By the size of it, I have been missing it since I was 20. I will take my sock off, but please find me some scissors or something to cut it off.”

    She just cracked up and told me, “We have seen much worse I am sure” and walked out.

    Well, I am sure you haven’t seen hair on an ankle so long it could be turned into friendship bracelets for an entire 1st grade class, you witch.

    I took my sock back off.

    The doctor came in and of course didn’t notice my wild hair because he was too busy injecting my other foot with two giant needles. The nurse smirked at me as they left the room. Not sure if it was because my giant hair went undiscovered or because I was screaming for my mom like a little baby.

    I’m not sure how I missed that hair for all this time. Either I need more light in my shower stall or I need to wear my magnified reading glasses in the shower when I shave. Considering the length, maybe both are necessary.

     


  3. Principal Too Cool For School

    January 16, 2014 by C.

    I'm too sexy for this school...too sexy for this school

    I’m too sexy for this school…too sexy for this school

     

     

     

     

    Parenting is hard. I know that and I don’t even have kids. It’s something I had no desire to do…not because it’s hard, but because I would be the worst mom ever and wind up in prison for having my 4-year-old run my meth lab for me while I chilled on the couch in my pjs. *Note to my mother—I do not have a meth lab, this is a joke. Please do not call screaming at me*

    As a non-parent, I still vote to have my taxes raised whenever they have something on the ballot that has to do with education. My reasoning is simple. These precious little children will be running our government one of these days and I would prefer they be as educated as possible while doing that. Our school systems struggle enough as is and we have enough dumb asses in this world already.

    Here is a prime example.

    Marcella Sills is principal of PS 106 in Queens, NY. A challenging job, I am sure if someone were to take it seriously. Ms. Sills doesn’t. Her school has been nicknamed the “School of No” because they have no gym, no books, no art programs and parts of their facility smell like “animal urine”. When a teacher is absent the students are split up between all the teachers instead of calling in a sub. She rarely comes to work on time, wears fur coats, short skirts and drives a BMW. Instead of being taught, she has the teachers show the kids movies.

    It gets better. A school that is full of children from financially struggling families throws a ball each year for the 5th graders. Each child must contribute $110 in order to have a formal gown or tux rented (by Ms. Sills) to attend the event. What the hell is wrong with this woman???

    I guess my main question is how can this have gone on for so long? Ms. Sills has been in charge of this school for nine long years. She is constantly absent or late and truly doesn’t care about educating children.

    Thankfully, someone caught on and Ms. Sills is currently under investigation. The investigation started on Monday and it was said it was the first time she had shown up to work on time in years.

    Can you tell I am a little crabby about this? Someone should be monitoring schools at all times, not just wait until there is a problem like this that has gone on far too long. Where are the parents? When your kids don’t bring home books from school and you don’t see any progress being made shouldn’t you step up and do something? It could be they are too busy playing on their smart phones to notice much of anything.

    The world is turning to shit right before my eyes and though I can’t do much about it, I can write reminders like this one that a child’s education is very important and if you have a child you need to pay close attention to what is going on in the schools. I highly doubt this is the only case like this in our country. So sad, but true.


  4. I’m Having A Baby

    January 9, 2014 by C.

    Miracles do happen...

    Miracles do happen…

     

     

    This fake story got me thinking (Yes, it’s fake…Snopes says so). What if this were possible? If you could go to a 3D movie and become impregnated by one of the people in the film; which films/people would you choose?

    It didn’t take long for me to come up with a list and the reasons why.

    5. Thor-Chris Hemsworth is pretty. Boy or girl, my child would have gorgeous hair and hair is damn important.

    So pretty

    So pretty

    4. Gravity– Mr. George Clooney is probably the most wanted man in America. No woman can tame him. I don’t care about taming him;  I  would just like oodles of child support money and occasionally get to see him in person.

    Come here, I will give you a baby!

    Come here, I will give you a baby!

    3. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience– This was made back in 2009 when the boys were still wearing those virginity rings. Talk about Immaculate Conception! Again oodles of child support money. Wait, would this mean I’m having triplets??? Screw that shit.

    We're having a baby! Yea!

    We’re having a baby! Yea!

    2. A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas– No, I don’t want Harold or Kumar. I want Neil Patrick Harris! Our child would be so funny and could dance and sing and act and curse a ton (my gift I’m giving our child). It would be such an amazing kid. The whole back of my Kia would be full of those honor student stickers and the  family decals. Our family decal would look a little weird because NPH would be on a pedestal and our child would be in a top hat, doing a dance, while saying, “Hey bastard, get off our bumper!”

    I am Legend-ary!

    I am Legend-ary! Let’s have babies!

     

    1. Man of Steel– Duh. The most gorgeous man alive and he’s British. God, I love accents. I would make sure he bought us a house in England so the child would have an English accent as well. Graham Lesley George Felix Fitz-Lloyd Pippa Charles Cavill (the name I have picked out for my English son) and I would eat fish and chips all day and stalk the Royal Family whenever we had a chance.

    I will stare at you until you  are expecting our super baby.

    I will stare at you until you are expecting our super baby.

     

    This is one of those times when I’m glad the silly crap I make up can never come true.