RSS Feed

March, 2014

  1. My Teeth Are Smithsonian Quality

    March 22, 2014 by C.

    Perfection!

    Perfection!

     

     

     

    I look forward to dental appointments.  The excitement leading up to those appointments is comparable to Christmas and a new season of Downton Abbey.  Many consider my excitement as highly unusual.  I post on Facebook, “Dentist appointment today, so excited!!!!” only to get more negative responses than Miley Cyrus got for her VMA performance.

    Going to the dentist is great for my self-esteem.  My dentist is in love with my teeth.

    “You have the most beautiful teeth,” she says.

    That is normal for every visit.  I know you are probably thinking that I must have teeth as perfect as Beyonce’s.  They are just perfect in structure.  You see, I am in my 40’s and have never had a cavity.  I have never had any work done in my mouth that would require a shot from the dentist except when my wisdom teeth were removed and that doesn’t count because I had to go to an oral surgeon for that.

    “Look, at your beautiful teeth.  It is as if they have never been used…they are museum quality,” she said on my last visit.

    Say what?  Museum quality?  My teeth should be in the freaking Smithsonian, bitches!

    “You still have your mamelons.  It is very rare for an adult your age to still have these.”  She runs her finger along the bumps on the ends of my teeth.

    “Most adults have ground these down just by eating, but most of yours are still intact.  Simply amazing.  You take such good care of your teeth, it is so obvious.”

    That is the thing.  I really have not.  My mother took more than the recommended daily dose of calcium when pregnant with me and that is how I explain all of this.  I only brush my teeth once a day and floss maybe once a month.  My teeth should be rotting out of my head due to the amount of sugar I consume and the lack of time I spend cleaning them.

    She gets so excited to see me though; I cannot break her heart and tell her I am a slacker when it comes to dental care.  I will be honest…I do not want to tell her because I do not get compliments very often.  The biggest compliment I have gotten in my life was when a woman told me I look a lot like KD Lang and really, can that be considered a compliment?  I think not.

    “I should use photos of your teeth for an advertisement of my dental practice.”

    I immediately start to consider how much money one can make as a mouth model and what my business cards would look like.  My slogan would be, “Where else you gonna find adult mamelons?  Just call me.”

    These cards would be a little weird in France as mamelons translates into the word, “nipple”.

    “Where else you gonna find adult nipples?  Just call me.”  How much do nipple models make??? I might be moving to France.

     


  2. Best Friends Forever

    March 6, 2014 by C.

    Scary bitches!

    Scary bitches!

     

     

     

    Since Monday was my bestie’s birthday, I decided to let her write a guest blog post. Here it is…

    The year was 1988; the place was the high school locker room.  Becky, my friend, asked if I ever noticed the girl who always changed by us and how she never took off her T-Shirt.  I must admit I didn’t, but the next gym class by god I would be looking into this weirdo that wore her sweaty shirt all day.  After another week we decided we would talk to this quiet weirdo and ask to join our gym dweeb club, this was the beginning of a life-long friendship between Chanin and Cindy.

    I knew our friendship was getting serious when she asked me over for dinner.  I debated on going wonder if it was all fancy and I would use the wrong fork or it was something weird that I didn’t like and I would be forced to eat it and smile and fake liking it. This was a stressful thing for a 16-year-old.  I showed up anyway and found out it was Chanin’s favorite meal….Bar-B-Q Bologna sandwiches. WHAT!!!!  Who eats that and where was the pot roast and potatoes???   And get this…we sat on the couch and watched TV while we ate, at that moment I decided I LOVED THIS FAMILY!!!

    Years later we took a trip to Nashville so I could meet the love of my life Randy Travis (I was only 18 give me a break).  We stayed with her dad and step-mother and got to drive the new Cadillac. We were told under NO circumstances were we to eat in that car, yeah right they obviously had never encountered hungry Cindy and it isn’t pretty.  We were tooling around in this pimping Caddy eating fries with the map out of Nashville, Chanin is driving when the tornado sirens sound and she starts screaming at me.

    Chanin:  WHERE ARE WE??? TELL ME HOW TO GET HOME

    ME: TELL ME WHAT STREET WE ARE ON

    Chanin:  HOW DO I KNOW, READ THE DAMN MAP, GOD YOU SUCK AT READING MAPS!!! WE ARE GONNA DIE!

    Me: (with a mouth full of fries) STOP YELLING AT ME!!!!

    This was the first of many near death experiences we had together and I blame Chanin for all of them.

    In the late 80’s when the Queen of Rock and Roll came to town…that’s right people, I am talking about Joan Jett.  We got our tickets and decided to dress like her with white face, black lipstick, eyeliner and all black clothing; we were rocking!!!  After the concert we were going for fries and spotted her bus, we followed it on the Interstate and got up next to it honking and waving like crazy girls with Chanin screaming “SHOW THEM YOUR BOOBS” over and over.  At this point in time I had no boobs so they wouldn’t have been too impressed.  The ungrateful son of a bitch bus driver ran us off the road!!!  I swore I saw my life flash before my eyes and I think I feel asleep!

    I have many more stories, but those will have to keep for a later day.  Chanin and I have been through a lot in these 26 years, but one thing has remained the same; we still make each other laugh and we still piss each other off.  But I couldn’t image my life if I hadn’t met that gym class weirdo all those years ago!

     

     


  3. I Love the Oscars

    March 1, 2014 by C.

    Sunday night!!!

    Sunday night!!!

     

     

    Every year my mom and I have a mini Oscars party. It is a night of great food, lots of laughs and of course the competition. We each fill out a ballot and determine the winner, also known as the “movie genius” who will then get to rub in winning all year long to the loser. We have been doing this for so many years, I cannot even remember when we started making it an event.

    We pick eleven of the 24 categories…all the major ones. She likes to scream loudly when she gets one right and I just like to talk shit, “Oh, what’s that Mom?? You missed another one? You don’t know jack about movies, old lady!” I’m sure you’re all jealous you’ll be missing out on this.

    The food. This year we are changing it up big time. We have bought a tenderloin and will be cutting some nice steaks off of it. Baked potatoes, asparagus, hot rolls and bread pudding with ice cream sauce for dessert. Normally, we just do things like beans and cornbread, but we are going all out this year.

    I would love to share my picks with you, but my mother cannot be trusted not to come on here and cheat, but I will discuss all the nominated pictures and try not to give too much away.

    American Hustle– I really liked this movie but I don’t really understand all the Oscar hype for it. It was good, but not mind-blowing. I also don’t understand why everyone is all about Amy Adams’ performance. She was just ok. I actually thought Jennifer Lawrence stole the movie in the few moments she was in it. If Amy Adams wins Best Actress for this picture, the remote control will leave a dent in the TV screen, because I have a pretty good arm for a girl. I have a feeling Cate Blanchett will win it for her sweaty armpits and manic behavior in the Woody Allen film, “Blue Jasmine” anyways.

    *Meryl Streep, honey, the Best Actress Oscar should be yours. I am so sorry people hate you for being so good, but you are the best and people just need to freaking deal with it. Every award you are nominated for should be yours. Please drop the restraining order soon, thanks.*

    Her– This was nominated for Best Picture over “August: Osage County”??? WTF????

    Philomena– The little movie no one has heard of and that’s a shame. Based on a true story of a young Irish girl who gets pregnant and her parents dump her off at a Catholic home for unwed mothers (because I guess back in the day you didn’t get on a TV show for getting knocked up). She keeps her son for several years; until he is sold to an American couple and whisked across the ocean. Philomena starts the search for her adult son with a reporter helping her along the way. Dame Judy Dench is fantastic in this movie. Check it out the minute it hits DVD.

    Dallas Buyers Club–  Can’t say enough good things about this one. It was one I was dreading to watch, but was so glad I did. Jared Leto makes a beautiful woman and Matthew McConaughey gives the performance of his life (no, sorry ladies, his best performance wasn’t in “Magic Mike”).

    The Wolf of Wall Street– If you like crazy, funny movies you would love this one. I laughed most of the way through it. Leo is outstanding as usual. Not really sure why Jonah Hill is nominated other than the challenge of speaking with those horse teeth in his mouth.

    Captain Phillips–  From start to finish this one will have you on the edge of your seat. Tom Hanks is great as usual. This one is a must see.

    Gravity–  This movie is special. I like to call it “movie magic”. The special effects are amazing, it is a beautiful film and the acting was superb. I am very sorry if you missed seeing this movie in 3D, because it was truly spectacular.

    12 Years a Slave– I think the Best Picture battle will come down between this one and “Gravity”. This film, is an important film. It was extremely difficult to watch in certain scenes and it makes me feel so ashamed and sad to watch one race be so horrible to another. The ordeal this man went through (based on a true story) is just like one long continuous nightmare. I cannot even fathom being in the same situation and how I would react.

    I hope Lupita Nyong’o wins best supporting actress; she was so incredible in this movie and she wears the most gorgeous gowns to these award shows I have ever seen and she looks stunning in them. I can’t wait to see what she wears tomorrow night.

    Nebraska– What a touching story of a man and his son on a journey to cash in a sweepstakes letter, that the son knows will not produce any money. Bruce Dern and June Squibb are so believable as an elderly married couple, you will want to lock them up in an old folks home just to get away from the nagging and hearing the same things repeated a million times because poor Bruce is hard of hearing. I don’t want to ruin the end, but they couldn’t have ended it any better.

    Ellen DeGeneres will host the awards (our favorite has always been Billy Crystal) and she should be much better than last year’s host, Seth McFarlane. If you have a free four hours tomorrow night, you should watch or at the very least, rent some of these wonderful movies and prepare to be amazed.