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April, 2014

  1. I Am An Idiot Part 3,756

    April 19, 2014 by C.

    Looks awkward, but helps you get a deep and rested sleep.

    Looks awkward, but helps you get a deep and rested sleep.

     

     

     

     

     

    I was put on a sleep apnea machine about three years ago. In those three years, I have seen my doctor three times.  Once a year he reads the card I bring in from the machine and makes adjustments if necessary.

     

    Last week I had an appointment.  I cannot describe to you how much better this machine makes me feel, so typically I am in a great mood when I see him. Not a soul in the waiting room, it didn’t take long to be escorted to the back.

    He slowly opens the door and walks in.  Being over eager and happy to be there, I said “Hello Dr. Blake!”

    Dr. Blake looked at me as if I were on huge amounts of drugs.  Then he slowly smiled and said, “Hello”.  He asked me a few questions about how things were going with my machine and then wrote a prescription for two more years of parts for the machine.  As we walked out he said, “See you in two years.”

    I paid the woman my co-pay in cash and rushed to meet some friends for lunch.  It wasn’t until late that night, when I took the appointment card out of my pocket that I realized why he looked at me so funny.

    His name is Dr. Little.


  2. Daily Rituals of an Insane Woman

    April 10, 2014 by C.

    How lovely

    How lovely

     

     

     

    I read a book last week called, “How Artists Work: Daily Rituals” by Mason Currey. The book discusses the daily rituals of all sorts of artists, dancers, and writers.  The majority are subjects from long ago, like Mark Twain and Van Gogh, so their days were filled with coffee, cigarettes, and visitors.  Most got up very early in the morning, before the sun and began to write while the house was still quiet.  Many would work all night and take naps during the day.

    Here is an example of Beethoven’s day:

    “Beethoven rose at dawn and wasted little time getting down to work. His breakfast was coffee, which he prepared himself with great care-he determined sixty beans per cup, and he often counted them out one by one for a precise dose.  Then he sat at his desk until 2:00 or 3:00, taking the occasional break to walk outdoors, which aided his creativity.”

    You get the drift.  BORING.

    That got me thinking…I wonder what mine would read like 50 years from now.  Let’s just assume I go on to be a mega-comedy writer.  Tons of books sold, a few TV appearances and a few books turned into movies.  Here is how I think it would read…

    “Bissinger would wake around 10 each morning.  It took her an hour every morning to choke down all the supplements she felt she needed after watching many episodes of “The Dr. Oz Show”.  Then she would grab a giant Coke out of the fridge and eat a few Nutty Bars.

    Her first priority would be to check Facebook.  She spent way too much time on Facebook.  In fact, we calculated that she could have written 23 more bestsellers had she rarely visited the site.  She then would check her email accounts (10 of them), then Twitter and then her blog.  By this time, it was 2 pm and time for lunch.  Papa Johns delivered precisely at 2:15 pm every other day.  She thought cooking was such a waste of time.

    After her lunch, she would work for maybe 2 hours before playing Call of Duty, the video game, for anywhere from 2-4 hours straight.  From her biography, “Damn, I’m Awesome”; she shared that, “blowing people up with grenades really helps to inspire my creativity.”

    After video games, she would heat up leftover pizza for dinner and work at her desk until around midnight.  Then she would retire to her recliner and catch up on TV shows recorded on her dvr.  Her favorites were The Walking Dead, Girls, Modern Family, and Game of Thrones.

    Ms. Bissinger was very weird.  She rarely left her home.  Even more rarely did she have visitors.  She believed in Feng Shui and had many Oriental items around her home, such as Fu Dogs and lucky coins. She also loved to read so much her entire home became something of a Hoarders episodes with books piled from floor to ceiling.  Her favorite thing to do was to go sit out in her remodeled chicken coop and read.”

    Yea, that sounds pretty accurate.