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August, 2014

  1. A Hairy Ordeal

    August 19, 2014 by C.

    What a little shit!

    What a little shit!

     

     

     

    At age forty-three, I have been put into bifocals. As the doctor was telling me this, he saw the panic in my eyes and said to me, “Don’t think about this like it’s happening because you are getting old…just think about it like you have been really hard on your eyes and they are worn out and need some help.”

    Whatever, you young little shit.

    In my depression after finding this out, I decided I needed a cheeseburger, like a really greasy one and some fries and a milkshake too. *DO NOT JUDGE ME!*

    I got home with my heart attack in a sack and went to town. After a few bites, I thought I felt a hair in my mouth.

    GROSS,  I am never going there again. 

    I was feeling around in my mouth, but couldn’t feel it there anymore. I took the burger apart and saw nothing. Weird. I slapped it all back together and commenced with eating my depressed feelings.

    Son of a bitch! There’s that hair again!

    Again, I took the burger completely apart…I still didn’t see anything…I was feeling around in my mouth and I didn’t feel the hair anymore, but I was feeling extremely crazy.

    I took another bite. I felt the hair again. I just froze. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I slowly walked to the bathroom without chewing any further and leaned into the mirror.

    There growing out of my upper lip was a blonde hair that was so long it could reach just inside my mouth. I dropped my burger on the floor and started screaming from the shock of it all.

    How long has that been there???

    What a bunch of shitty friends I have for not telling me I have a wild hair growing out of my face!

    Bifocals and now this…I might as well go shopping for my funeral arrangements tomorrow. 

    The very best part of this story is it took me an entire hour to find the damn hair again in order to pluck it out because my bifocals wouldn’t be ready for two weeks.

    Getting old really sucks.

     


  2. Date Disaster

    August 10, 2014 by C.

    date

    I’m done.

     

     

    “I know it’s a little late, but would you like to meet me at Starbucks for a coffee or tea?” he asked.

    We had been talking via e-mails for a week and he had been asking me daily about meeting him somewhere in person.

    I suppose 8:30 pm is a little late when I have to be at work the next day, but surprisingly I wasn’t in my pjs yet. For once, I had on a decent looking shirt and I had just had my hair fluffed.

    “I would love to!” I responded.

    I met him inside, ordered my grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and sat down with him at a table. I have to be honest, after he ordered a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle, I almost bailed. I mean, what an obnoxious and annoying drink order…especially from a guy.

    Anywho, we decided to take a drive and since I have control issues, I drove. I had also had this really cool stereo installed in my car that I wanted to play with.

    So we drove around, switching out cds, talking and having a really great time. Other than that obnoxious drink order, I was really digging this guy. So many thoughts ran through my head as I drove through town…

    “Is it a requirement to wear a dress when you get married or are jean shorts ok?”

    “I hope he doesn’t expect my old uterus to poop out any kids for him.”

    “I hope he knows I am not putting out after one lousy Starbucks drink…what a tight-ass. I might want to reconsider this marriage.”

    Just a few blocks from dropping him off at his car, my cell phone rings through the stereo system via the bluetooth connection. I glanced at the screen and saw it was my mother. Then I glanced at the clock. Shit, it was 11 pm.

    I punched the receive call button and held my breath.

    “WHERE. ARE. YOU?” she asked.

    “Oh, just out driving around,” I replied.

    I looked over and he was staring out the window with a big grin on his face.

    Lovely.

    “It is after 11 at night and you have to work tomorrow! You haven’t even been at home tonight have you?”

    Please God. I beg of you. Just softly crash my car and have him whack his head on the dash just enough to cause some memory loss. All he will remember of this evening was that I look really good in pink and have excellent taste in music.

    “Yes, mom I was home between 7 and 8:30 tonight.”

    “Well, you are up to something. You normally tell me where you’re going. We will have a discussion about this tomorrow. Now, when you get home lock your door so Lurch doesn’t get in bed with you tonight. Good-bye.”

    The minute I hit the red disconnect button, he died laughing.

    He managed to choke out between belly laughs, “How old are you and who is Lurch???????”

    Yes, it’s true. I am a 43-year-old single woman and my mother just ruined the last shot I had at securing myself a husband.

    Does anyone have a cheap rocking chair I can buy to prepare for my days as an old maid???

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  3. Taser Twins

    August 3, 2014 by C.

    ZAP!

    ZAP!

     

     

     

    My mom has gotten increasingly nervous about Lurch across the street. It seems to be about the only thing she talks about anymore.

    “Lurch was standing on his front porch when I got home from the grocery store today. I think he saw me leave this morning and went and stood there until I got back so he can get a good look. He is so weird. I am scared one of these days he is going to kill us both.”

     

    Every day when I get home I get some sort of phone call from her with the updates of what Lurch has been up to all day long and how scared she is of him. I guess she hasn’t realized it is just as creepy that she watches him all day long.

    Lurch’s mom called her the other day saying that Lurch noticed we hadn’t left the house in three days (we were gone on our vacation) and he started to come over to investigate but she stopped him. Mom tells her that we were on vacation (in Tennessee?????) and that she really isn’t much of a social neighbor hoping Mama Lurch would get the hint.

    I hate to see my mom so worried about this dude. She found out he is on disability from Mama Lurch so he has nothing better to do than to sit and stare at our house and download porn (that last part was according to my mom). So this morning I saw a deal on buy one taser, get the other free.

    “Mom, I got us matching pink tasers!”

    “For what?”

    “Well, just keep it at home and if Lurch shows up you can taser his ass.”

    “I am going to sleep with it right by my bed every night!”

    She clearly got excited.

    “Wait, how do you know they work?”

    “I don’t know…I guess you just have faith that they will shock the shit out of someone…”

    “What can we try it out on?”

    “Um, nothing?”

    “That’s no fun. I want to know if it works or not.”

    I have this fear she is going to sneak into my house in the middle of the night and try hers out on me. She scares me more than Lurch ever did. This just might be the worst idea I have ever had.