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A Letter to Billy Ray Cyrus

08/28/2013 by C.

Let's twerk it out!

Let’s twerk it out!





Dear Billy,

I am sure your achy breaky heart is completely broken after watching your daughter’s performance at the VMA’s on Sunday night.


Or maybe not, maybe you were really thrilled about her unique and creative use of the foam #1 finger. Those things have been used at thousands of sporting events over the years, but only your daughter was genius enough to think of using it as a giant sex toy. You must be so proud.


Were you equally as thrilled when she rubbed her rump against the privates of a married man? The man who was kind enough to allow her to join him on stage and sing his hit song. Granted, Robin Thicke is a douche and was moving his hips as well (any decent man would have pushed her butt out of his way), but I am guessing he won’t be doing that again once his wife gets a hold of that 10 ft wave of hair on the top of his head.


I noticed she had her head up someone’s ass (yes, not just her own). I know your family is a little different but I have never seen people greet each other in this manner. Dogs yes; people no. Thinking about giving it a try at the next family function to see what kind of reaction I get.


Miley has made it very clear she isn’t interested in being a role model for kids. After that performance, I am pretty sure even Dina Lohan knows Miley is not suitable for that role. I might even go so far as to say Amanda Bynes might be a better choice.


If her objective was to shock everyone, I think she achieved what she set out to do. It was pretty disgusting. My mouth has not hung open that wide, for that long, since I watched a documentary on a man who had sex with his horse (there is some crazy shit on Netflix, man).


If even a third of America felt as dirty as I did after watching her, they too, took four showers after the performance and would like for you to pay their water bill and send some cash for all the gallons of Listerine it took to get the nasty taste out of their mouths. If there was a way to safely bleach my eyeballs and erase my memory, I would run right out and get that done.


The saddest part is, as a woman, I am truly embarrassed for her. She has no self-respect or she would never have done those things. Billy, I blame you for this just as much as I blame her. As her father, I get the feeling you never told her “no” and you might have told her how great she is a few too many times when in fact, she’s occasionally just mediocre. Just because she makes more money than you is no excuse for you to shirk on your duty as her father.


Your daughter is singing about “dancing with Molly” (did you notice MTV bleeped that out? She isn’t saying “Miley” like she claimed when the song first came out), prancing around in next to nothing with her tongue wagging like a rabid dog and mounting teddy bears.


Even after the fact, she was bragging about how many tweets per minute were about her performance (if you are interested 306,000 tweets per minute). Not an ounce of regret or embarrassment. In her eyes, it seemed cool and edgy. In ours, it was awkward and uncomfortable to witness.


Please step up and be a good father. Don’t sit by idly while she ruins herself and her career.  We’ll all be watching what happens in the next months and I really feel it is up to you. Your wife seemed very proud of Miley after the fact, displaying a big smile for the world to see. I can’t imagine having a mom that would approve of that sort of behavior. Once my own mother reads this blog post, she will call and yell at me for two hours about how many curse words I used in this post. See the difference?


I hope so.




Chanin Bissinger





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