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‘40 here I come’ Category

  1. My Last Day Being In My 30’s

    August 3, 2011 by C.

    Well, this is it. My last day of being in my 30’s. I am expecting a loud gong to go off at midnight tonight to ring in 40 and when I wake up in the morning both of my knees will need to be replaced. I thought this morning if this is going to be the last day I feel young, I need to get a few things done before midnight. Here is how my day was spent:

    6:25am-alarm goes off. This will be the latest I will be able to sleep for the rest of my life. 4am here I come!

    7:20am-getting dressed for work. Had to put my thong on one last time. Starting tomorrow I will be buying Granny panties at Sears.

    7:45am- driving to work…I actually drove the speed limit! All those kids in their souped up Kia Rio’s passed me and flipped me off. I was going to memorize their plate numbers and turn them in for reckless driving but I couldn’t remember the numbers by the time I got to work.

    8:30am-Made appointment with plastic surgeon for boob job, lipo and face lift.

    10:20am-someone at work made me laugh so hard I was crying. Won’t be long now I will be laughing and peeing my pants. Might as well stock up on the Depends now.

    12:00pm- met with my financial advisor. He advised if I do not start saving $1200 per month from now until retirement I will wind up like one of the homeless folks that hang out at public libraries all day long. He also advised I might want to go ahead and pick up a shopping cart because chances are I will need it.

    1:30pm-Made appointment for mammogram. Nothing says you are getting older more than having your boobies crushed and mangled by an overly perky 20-something-year old woman.

    3:15pm-ordered a case of Ginko Biloba from It might come in handy one day so I can remember where I hid the half-eaten Snickers I found in the trash at the library. Them’s good eatin’s!

    5:00pm-Since my Ginko isn’t here yet, I am planning to have selective memory tomorrow and simply forget to go to work. Show back up in a couple of days. “What?? I swear when I left work it was Friday. I had a GREAT weekend, how about you guys?” Getting old might have a few benefits.

    6:00pm-watched the news. I haven’t watched the news since I was 10 and praying for snow days. Fell asleep before the weather. It is already happening people!

    6:30pm-went out for a Mexican dinner. I won’t be eating much Mexican anymore. The acid reflux will keep me up all night long and the beans will cause me to have gas. I think I am farting but something else slips out instead. Can you say Holy Guacamole??

    8:15pm-reading a book for the last time without glasses. Don’t worry…I already made my appointment with the optometrist a week ago.

    9:30pm-I am pooped, headed to bed. Good-bye my 30’s, I will miss you.