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‘as seen on TV’ Category

  1. Birthday Week From Hell

    August 11, 2012 by C.





    I turned 41 a week ago. It has been a crazy week but last night was the real kicker.

    My mom comes over with a package in her hand.

    “Ok, here is a belated birthday present I ordered for you. Sorry it is late, it just came today. Now, don’t get all offended,” she said.

    I slowly pull this granny workout dvd out of the brown paper shipping package. You must be shitting me.

    She must have seen the horrific expression on my face.

    “Listen, I know you cannot really exercise right now with your heel spur (long story short…it is sticking out, pressing on my Achilles and the only way to relieve the pain is to cut my Achilles and they saw off the spur…months of rehab…no thanks). Exercise is too painful for you right now but I don’t think this will cause you any pain,” she said.

    “Yea, the most pain I will have with this dvd is watching this 70-year-old grandma kick around her wrinkled varicose riddled legs only partially covered by her hideous hot pink leg warmers. Get me a knife. I will cut this damn bone spur out tonight,” I spewed.

    “You are so rude and ungrateful. I come over and bring you this gift trying to help you and you just complain about it. Now, you are going to do this whole work out every single day. No excuses!” she informs me.

    Wouldn’t it be funny if I couldn’t make it through the whole dvd and I passed out from exhaustion on the living room floor? Actually, that would be more sad than funny I suppose.

    Here is an actual quote from the back of the dvd:

    “Sit and Be Fit videos have brought the importance of exercise to the geriatric and less mobile population with significant benefit. I can strongly endorse these videos.” John A Fagan M.D. Geriatric Specialist 

    Between this lovely belated birthday gift and my injury at work this week, I am feeling like it might be time to put myself in an assisted living home or at the very least sign up for my AARP benefits.





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  2. I Am "Forever Lazy"

    November 5, 2011 by C.

    I was lying on my couch last week during my vacation. Most of my vacation time was used to catch up on my very full DVR. I would wake up around 10 am, move from the bed to the couch and flop for the day binging on taco flavored Doritos and Moon pies. Ah, this was the life. The morning marathon of “Three’s Company” was interrupted by a commercial for a product called, “Forever Lazy”. I slowly sat up and wiped the taco flavoring off my face. Could this be for real? It was too good to be true.
    “Forever Lazy” is basically an adult-size onesie. The “Snuggie” only wishes it were half this cool. The commercial showed the benefits of the onesie such as no need to turn the heat up in your house on those cold nights…just slip on your “Forever Lazy”. Your hands and feet are free so you can do things like read and get a pedicure. But the best part…they are made with front and back zippered hatches for “great escapes when duty calls”. OMG where is my damn cell phone????
    Sheila was very professional when I called. She told me they were offering “Forever Lazy” as a buy one get one free deal.
    “No! SHUT UP!” I squealed.
    “Yes, not only that but we are going to throw in two pair of matching Footies so your feet stay warm too,” Sheila gushed (she could tell I was the type of person that was going to order one of these for every single person I have ever known…big bonus for Sheila!).
    I debated between what two colors to get and after taking up ten minutes of Sheila’s time I decided on “Asleep on the Job Gray” and “Hanky Pinky Fuchsia”.
    “Sheila, I only have two days of vacation left. I need them STAT! Please overnight them to me,” I begged.
    “Ms. Bissinger, we are going to send you the two pair of lazies and footies for $29.95. I can rush ship them for another $75.” Will that be on your Mastercard or Visa?” she asked.
    “VISA Sheila, VISA! Now listen, are you going to get in trouble for giving me all of this product for only $29.95?? I don’t want to cause problems for you.”
    Sheila giggled and said, “No, Ms. Bissinger. Everyone that calls gets this deal.”
    Well, she just blew getting a tip. Witch.
    The next day was spent pacing in front of the door like a dog waiting to be let out to go chase the squirrel he had heard outside. A large truck braked in front of my house and hurled myself from the front step and ran to the UPS truck.
    “Gimme gimme gimme!” I screamed. I signed his magic box, threw it back at him and dashed in the house.
    There were no instructions with them. Do you keep your underwear on??? Nah, why else would there be the escape hatches.
    Ohhhhh I was so warm and comfy. I got very emotional. “God Bless you “Forever Lazy” company, snooty Sheila and UPS dude. God Bless you all!”
    I lived in these things for the rest of my vacation. Several trips to Wal-mart were made in my onesie (you will probably see me soon on that website “The People of Wal-mart…sorry Mom).
    Monday rolled around and it was time for me to go back to work. I was going to have to put on real clothes. I just couldn’t do it.
    *Cough cough cough* “Milty, this is Chanin and I have um, shingles *cough hack cough* and uh…tuberculosis and I won’t be able to make it into work today. Sorry!” Don’t you just love getting voicemail?
    Lord, this writing stuff has to pay off soon so I can work from home and spend my weeks, months and years in these things.
    Guess what you are all getting for Christmas this year?