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‘Birthdays suck!’ Category

  1. Birthday Week From Hell

    August 11, 2012 by C.





    I turned 41 a week ago. It has been a crazy week but last night was the real kicker.

    My mom comes over with a package in her hand.

    “Ok, here is a belated birthday present I ordered for you. Sorry it is late, it just came today. Now, don’t get all offended,” she said.

    I slowly pull this granny workout dvd out of the brown paper shipping package. You must be shitting me.

    She must have seen the horrific expression on my face.

    “Listen, I know you cannot really exercise right now with your heel spur (long story short…it is sticking out, pressing on my Achilles and the only way to relieve the pain is to cut my Achilles and they saw off the spur…months of rehab…no thanks). Exercise is too painful for you right now but I don’t think this will cause you any pain,” she said.

    “Yea, the most pain I will have with this dvd is watching this 70-year-old grandma kick around her wrinkled varicose riddled legs only partially covered by her hideous hot pink leg warmers. Get me a knife. I will cut this damn bone spur out tonight,” I spewed.

    “You are so rude and ungrateful. I come over and bring you this gift trying to help you and you just complain about it. Now, you are going to do this whole work out every single day. No excuses!” she informs me.

    Wouldn’t it be funny if I couldn’t make it through the whole dvd and I passed out from exhaustion on the living room floor? Actually, that would be more sad than funny I suppose.

    Here is an actual quote from the back of the dvd:

    “Sit and Be Fit videos have brought the importance of exercise to the geriatric and less mobile population with significant benefit. I can strongly endorse these videos.” John A Fagan M.D. Geriatric Specialist 

    Between this lovely belated birthday gift and my injury at work this week, I am feeling like it might be time to put myself in an assisted living home or at the very least sign up for my AARP benefits.





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  2. Join Me For My Birthday Celebration

    August 2, 2012 by C.



    Tomorrow I turn 41. Yippee, right? Bet you thought you were being invited to a kick ass party with a title like that. Sorry, Charlie! I am anti-social.

    After 40, there isn’t anything exciting about birthdays until you turn 50 and the only reason I would be happy about turning 50 is I am so much closer to menopause. God, I look forward to that day.

    So, since this is a rather boring birthday, I have decided to make something of it. I saw this idea somewhere…perform a random act of kindness for every year of your existence.

    I started making a list of things to do and I got to #12 and was so depressed about how old I am and how many more nice things I have to do, I had to go find myself a deep margarita. So if this whole post makes no sense at all you will know why.

    How do I say this without hurting my own feelings? I am typically not an overly friendly/nice kind of gal. I am not a morning person so I growl at most of my co-workers until around noon. Then I growl some more because I have forced myself to avoid that Rice Krispy treat in the vending machine all morning. I am usually semi-friendly between 4-5pm. So this nice thing will be a real stretch for me.

    As a present to me and to the world, I would like to invite you to help me out. Do something random and kind and post a comment below letting me know what you did. I will post every single thing I do in blog posts until we have hit 41 acts of kindness. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. You know, if you make it through the day without selling your child on Ebay that will count. I am not picky.

    Come on people, let’s go make the world a little brighter. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate a boring old birthday.



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