RSS Feed

‘Bugs’ Category

  1. AMEN!

    October 24, 2013 by C.

    Kill them all!!!

    Kill them all!!!

    God, I hate bugs.


  2. Mosquito Paradise

    September 13, 2013 by C.

    I would be so skinny!

    I would be so skinny!




    The number one reason I don’t go outside is because of bugs. I hate them. I can spray on repellent but it does quite the opposite. Bugs smell that stuff and they are like, “Damn girl, you smell good. Gotta get me a bite.”


    So imagine my horror when I see a mosquito flying around in my house. I took a few swats at it and it moved on. I went back to watching football.

    The next morning I get up and I am itchy. My right hand, elbow and knees have bites. Perfect.

    The next night I worked harder to find the rascal and squash him. I carried around an old fly swatter with me the whole night. He must have smelled the aroma of bug guts and stayed away because I never saw him. When I went to bed I put it on the floor right beside me and covered myself from head to toe with the comforter. The thought crossed my mind to spray myself with OFF but I really didn’t want to stink up my sheets.

    The next morning, more bites. The backs of my knees, thighs and more on my arms. I ran around the house screaming, ” You bastard!!!! I am gonna squash you tonight and have you for dinner!!!” I don’t know why I said it really…it just came out of my mouth. I guess this is what anger does to you…makes you say some of the dumbest things ever.

    No luck that night finding him. He heard me and was hiding, probably in my bed waiting to bite me on the ass. Is there anything worse than a mosquito bite on your ass or boob? You go around scratching it and look like a weirdo.

    The next morning I try to lock myself in the bathroom away from the mosquito. By this time I am covered in bites. Just then he flies by my head. I open up the bathroom door so I can get more light in there. He moved out into the bedroom with me and I watched him move around. I wait…and wait…then finally…SMACK! DEAD MOSQUITO! I ran around the house waving my bug gut hands in the air screaming, “I killed you, you mother-fer!!!!!” I am so glad my neighbor the drug smuggler was out of the country picking up another load. It came out of my mouth before I knew what was happening.

    That night I go to bed at peace finally, knowing I have demolished the critter and won’t wake up to a million more bites.

    Well guess what? I had more bites. Later that night, I had walked into the kitchen to get a drink and saw the biggest mosquito I have ever seen in my life sitting in my kitchen sink (he  must have had 10 gallons of my blood stored in his body). I grabbed a dish towel, snuck up on it and smashed it. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I went to bed feeling so great. No wonder I had so many bites, there were two of the little turds feeding on me, the only human in my house.

    This morning I woke up and more bites. I think I even have them on my head. Or maybe I have lice now. I wouldn’t doubt it at this rate. My morale has sunk to an all-time low and I was seriously considering moving out of my house. But as I moved to start my shower I see another mosquito lift off from the tub. I started backing slowly out of the bathroom…luring him into better light (apparently I have reached that age where glasses are needed full-time). He was stubborn and wanted to stay inside the damp and dark bathroom. So I started trash talking him.

    “I am going to kill you this morning. I am going to squish you between my hands and rub your guts on my face and do a victory dance. That’s right. I don’t even care if I am late for work. I will stay here in this house until you are dead.”

    It worked. He came right at me. And SMASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH went his guts all over my hands. I don’t think I have ever been this happy in all of my life. Seriously, if I had children, this day would be even better than the day they were born because let’s face it…children are like little mosquitoes that suck the life out of you instead of blood.

    I jumped up  on my bed and shouted, “If there are more of you mother-fers in this house I suggest you get your crap and be out by the time I get off work today! This house will be mosquito free. I don’t care if I have to bathe in repellent and sleep wrapped up in tin foil. I will continue fighting until you are all a squished bloody mess between my massive hammer hands.”

    I pray they are gone for good. I also pray that none of them carried the West Nile Virus.

    Why is my house suddenly the  mosquito Club Med? I really don’t know. The only thing I can think of is last Saturday a lady came to my house to pick up a dresser I have that I want refinished. The door was propped open until after she had loaded it and tied it down. I didn’t think it was all that long but apparently mosquitoes move faster than you think when they are looking at spending a week in paradise chomping on the Chanin buffet.

    Sometimes I think I should start seeing my shrink again.

  3. The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Almost Reported Me to PETA

    August 23, 2013 by C.

    Not near as cute as this spider!

    Not near as cute as this spider!




    My back has been out all week and it has made me so crabby. After a long day of hobbling around the office and at home, I was so ready to crawl into my bed and relax. To help with that, I had taken a muscle relaxer. The effects of the pill were starting to kick in as I started unmaking my bed.

    I walked over to the chest where I keep a few small pillows I like to prop my face up with and grabbed the one on top. I dropped the pillow on the bedspread and started to walk out of the room when I saw something move from the pillow to my comforter. Moving the pillow aside, I see a small spider.

    Now, I am not a fan of bugs, especially when they are crawling around on the bed I am about to sleep on. The first thought that popped into my head was the little nasty thing crawling in my ear and having babies while I slept (I had no proof it was pregnant , but with the luck I have had the last two weeks, I am sure it was).

    The only thing near me to kill her with was the little pillow.

    Evidently, pillows are not a great tool for killing bugs. She would just curl up into a ball when I whacked her then pop back up and start running.  I was getting more and more frustrated with each whack and whipped around looking for a shoe or anything just to get the job done. Nothing.

    So I tried hitting her harder with the pillow and for extra effect screaming, “Die spider, die!” hoping that in some way it would help.

    Pretty sure I heard the spider reply, “Listen you dumb bitch, hit me with a shoe like a normal person and stop torturing me! If I survive this I am calling PETA straight away.”

    Getting very tired by this point, an idea came to mind. I used the pillow to scoot the spider to the edge of the bed and I sat on her. Then I wiggled my butt around to make sure she was squished. When your back is out the very last thing you want to do is move your pelvis around and of course I was afraid she was poisonous and would get one good bite into my butt before she died, but I did it anyways. So not only, was the comforter stained with spider gunk, so were my shorts. But hey, it worked.

    I ran to the bathroom to check for bite marks even though I didn’t feel anything back there. I was very relieved to see my rear was clear of fang holes. I couldn’t even imagine the poor doctor’s face when they wheeled me in with a spider bite for him to work on. One look at my big butt and he might decide on early retirement. Thankfully, all of that was avoided.

    I think I will call the exterminator this week. This was way too much excitement for this old lady.



  4. I Hate Critters

    September 26, 2012 by C.

    It looked like this only scarier



    I am an inside kinda gal. I do not like to go outdoors for anything. I have never been camping because going to the bathroom without a toilet, being eaten alive by mosquitoes and sleeping on the ground is not my idea of a fun weekend. I am weird like that I guess.

    A few weeks ago, I went out for ice cream. The drive-thru was a bug magnet with all their lights. I kept my windows up until the very last minute. As I was placing my order a giant grasshopper flew into my car and landed on my leg. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and flailing around like a lunatic. The Bieber-wanna-be working the window could not stop laughing. If I had thought my fat, ice cream eating ass would fit through my sunroof I would have crawled out of the top of the car to get away from it. This tragedy has weened my desire for ice cream though. Just not worth bug trauma.

    Last night the outside came in the house and scared me to death. I was sitting at my computer typing away and I heard something. Now, I only had a tiny lamp on in my bedroom and could not see very well but from first glance I thought it was a mouse jumping against the wall (yes, I know this makes no sense but at the time it really did). I don’t do mice. As I stood on top of my desk throwing paperclips at it, I noticed that it wasn’t really big enough nor moving quickly enough to be a mouse so I hopped down and decided to put on my big girl panties and go see what it was.

    I got a little closer and thought it was a grasshopper or a cricket. Of course it has me trapped on the side of the room without an exit (although the thought did cross my mind to throw the tv through the bedroom window and jump) so I had to figure out a way to deal with it other than leaving the room and calling a friend to come get it out of the house.

    With shoe in hand and goosebumps from head to toe, I approached the critter. I got pretty close and the bastard flew at me! This thing had giant wings. It looked like a mutant fly. I was swinging that shoe around like a child trying to crack open a piñata. When I opened my eyes, it was crawling under my bed. Oh lovely.

    I could not sleep last night. I kept imagining the critter crawling into my ear and laying eggs and my brain would be overrun by baby critters and I would have cravings to eat grass and to jump against walls. I tossed and turned all night long. I finally got up and stuffed toilet paper in my ears. I knew my eyes, mouth and nose were protected because I was wearing my sleep apnea mask (this was the very first time I was happy about wearing it to bed) and my Diva sleep mask. I felt a little better after that and got around three hours of sleep.

    The critter has not yet been found so I imagine it will be another rough night for me. I won’t be able to rest until it has been disposed of. It is probably a little dangerous to be sleeping with a meat cleaver and ninja stars but I want to be fully prepared for the next visit from the critter. One of us has got to go and it won’t be me.