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‘Christmas’ Category

  1. My Letter to Santa

    December 24, 2013 by C.

    Read it, fat man!

    Read it, fat man!




    Dear Santa,

    I would have to say I have been extraordinarily awesome this year. I know, I know…you’re not impressed with my Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf. I get it…really I do. But here is the thing, Santa. It makes people happy and they laugh. I think that is a positive thing no matter what grossness the Elf is up to. Think about it old man…you know I am right about this.

    Now, back to me. I have been super awesome this year and I have a few things on my list I want you to consider dropping off tonight. Here we go…

    1.Henry Cavill. Yea, the new Superman. Don’t worry, I promise not to do bad things to him. I just want him to walk around my house without a shirt on and say in his accent, “Chanin, what can I do for you?” Wouldn’t that be nice? Then I will make him paint my house and clean out the garage.

    Hubba Hubba

    Hubba Hubba

    2. I would like Justin Timberlake and Sara Bareilles to play my birthday party. They would call me up on stage to sing with them and Sara would be like, “Wow, you can sing…you are going out on the road with me” and Justin would just be like, “Damn, girl!” and wink at me constantly.

    3. I need to write a bestseller so I can sit at home in my pajamas coming up with more stupid shit to write and make more money. So put the best book idea you can come up with in my stocking please.

    4. I need a cottage on the beach to write in. I am sure it would inspire all sorts of crazy shit for me to write about and in the winter, I can let my friend, Cindy stay there so I don’t have to listen to her bitch about the winter weather for months on end.

    This will do...

    This will do…

    5. I want a crossbow so I can defend myself against the zombies when they come. What’s that? No zombies? Ha, you are getting senile, Santa. The zombies are coming. Get me this and I guess I will defend your ass too.

    Aim for the head!

    Aim for the head!

    6. Please get me this VHS to DVD converter. I need to convert some of my favorite porn tapes to dvd.  Um, I mean my set of Time Life “Little House on the Prairie” tapes.



    7. I have been asking for this for years now. It cannot be that difficult. Just pay a bunch of kids in a 3rd world country to whip this up for you. I bet five of them could have it done in an hour and it wouldn’t cost you much more than $1. Make it happen, fat bastard. I need this!

    Oh how I love this...

    Oh how I love this…

    8. I need these zombie slippers to keep my feet warm. Plus, they are damn cool.

    So awesome!

    So awesome!


    Well, I think that’s it. Not much, I know. See how nice I am?????

    Oh, one more thing…please make sure all my readers and Facebook followers have a kick-ass Christmas! They are the reason I get up and take my happy pills each and every day.

    Peace out!






  2. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 23, 2012 by C.

    This will probably be the last Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf for the year. I will be spending the rest of my holidays near small children and I would hate to be the cause of years of therapy for them. Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas!

    I am never going back to the North Pole!

    I am never going back to the North Pole!

  3. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 20, 2012 by C.

    Jax, you are a pervert!

    Jax, you are a pervert!

  4. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 17, 2012 by C.

    What a bad elf!

    What a bad elf!

  5. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 13, 2012 by C.

    What a freak

    Special thanks to my cleavage model! She wishes to remain anonymous for some reason.

  6. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 10, 2012 by C.

    What a pretty boy!

  7. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 6, 2012 by C.

    Jax getting his drink on.




    The little bastard drained the bottle!


    Tune in for more Inappropriate  Elf on the Shelf every Monday and Thursday evening between now and Christmas.

  8. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 3, 2012 by C.

    Awwwwwwwwwww so cute it makes me want to barf!








    Since I live on Pinterest I have been bombarded with images of amazing Elf on the Shelf ideas. That little guy is just so cute and it made me want to get one. So I had one shipped to my home overnight so I could have some fun too.



    My idea of fun might be slightly different from most of the photos I have seen online. I don’t want cute photos of the elf. I want to put him in some bizarre situations/poses. So believe me, these will get worse before they get better.

    My niece and nephew were visiting and named the elf, “Josh”. Well that is too vanilla for my bad elf so I have re-named him,  Jax Luca. Yea, I am digging that name.

    So please take a seat and let me introduce you to Jax Luca, the bad ass Elf on the Shelf.

    Jax knows the importance of regular bowel movements.



    Isn’t he adorable??? Check in Thursday for another Jax photo.








  9. Tornado Blues

    December 28, 2011 by C.

    I have been a little down this holiday season. This happens to many people over the holidays due to family dysfunction, lack of a special someone, loss of a loved one or just sick of all the shopping/wrapping/shipping that goes on during this time of the year. But my melancholy mood is a little different.
    Living in Joplin, MO I know I have so much to be thankful for. My house wasn’t touched by the tornado, my work only had power loss for a few days and I personally did not know anyone that was killed by the storm. But my mind cannot stop thinking about those who were not so fortunate.
    I know that things can be replaced but I keep thinking about special Christmas ornaments their children might have made, a recipe from Grandma that cannot be recreated from memory and personal photos. Those are things that can never be replaced. Or maybe a loved one was killed by the storm. Maybe the house that many generations of family grew up in was destroyed. Many are spending their holidays in FEMA trailers, knowing in the back of their mind that this housing is only temporary and worrying about where they will go once the trailers are taken away. My biggest worry this holiday season was receiving the gifts on time that I had ordered online. It doesn’t hold a candle to what the tornado survivors are going through.
    Someone recently asked me how do I cope with living here now…it is so depressing and filled with large empty spaces that once were neighborhoods. I guess I don’t see it that way. I see that in seven months most of the businesses that were destroyed have re-built or moved into a new property. Houses are popping up in all those empty spaces…brand new houses that offer a family a new beginning. Progress is being made in leaps and bounds. Seven months ago when there was debris piled high on the sides of the streets, everything seemed so overwhelming. With most of that cleared off now it is like seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better…things will be back to normal sooner rather than later.
    A writing professor of mine said, “Always write what is on your heart.” When I sat down to write this evening it was not about the Joplin tornado but all the thoughts I had been having over the holidays kept jumping around in my mind so I knew that it should be put down on paper. I am not really sure what the point of all of it is other than to serve as a reminder of how many blessings I have…to try not to take simple things for granted and to have faith that things will only get better each and every day around here.
    “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” –Charlie Chaplin

  10. 10 Days of Things I Do Not Want For Christmas

    December 16, 2011 by C.

    Every year I seem to get something that just sucks for Christmas. So the next 10 days I will show a product a day that I do not want for Christmas in hopes of improving my chances of getting something decent. 

    #10: Nothing
    Really? How clever. People are actually making money selling this. Incredible. 

    The smart ass bastard that shows up with this gift for me will wind up with a fruitcake up his ass and a gallon of eggnog over his head. You have been warned.