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‘crazy crime’ Category

  1. Apparently Chasing Kids with Chainsaw is Illegal

    June 14, 2013 by C.

    Lynn Herzog

    Lynn Herzog

     

     

     

     

    Lynn Marie Herzog, of Winfield, MO was arrested and charged with felony harassment last week. What’s her crime? No, not her nasty case of Rosacea…Lynn was chasing kids with a chainsaw while wearing a ski mask (I feel the mask was to hide her Rosacea so not to cause the children to have horrific nightmares).

    It is unknown why she took the chainsaw after the kids. The mother of one of the boys said she never felt like the kid’s lives were in danger as the chainsaw was not running (I am a little disappointed in you, Lynn).

    The mother, Patricia Manker, and another neighbor reported that the woman has been seen photographing and video- taping the kids in the neighborhood.  That part is more disturbing to me than her chasing them with a chainsaw.

    Recently, I had a similar situation. There were children from the neighborhood playing between my house and the next door neighbor’s (about 6 ft. between the two houses). I could hear a baseball whacking the vinyl siding and knew I should get up and go out to shut them down but I was in the middle of writing in my office and was just irritated. The window in my office overlooks this area of the yard. I turned my computer speakers around and pulled up Spotify to play chainsaw noises as loud as they could possibly play. I then quickly switched to screaming sounds. Then I hit pause and listened.

    “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, did you hear that???” one said.

    “What is going on in there?” asked another.

    “Let’s get out of here I am freaking out!” said another.

    And off they ran as fast as their little trespassing legs could carry them. I hope they come back again and throw their ball over my fence and I can laugh and laugh as they wet themselves from fear of having to ring my doorbell to retrieve it. Lynn Herzog and I are the same person…I just don’t own a chainsaw.

     


  2. Nancy Drew Would Be Proud

    July 2, 2012 by C.

     

    A woman in Monticello, KY was Super-Glued to a toilet inside the local Wal-mart. She sat down and was unable to get up. She started screaming and banging on the stall until someone came to help her. She sat there for an hour.

     

    The paramedics were able to get the seat removed from the stool, but unable to get it removed from her bum. She was taken to the emergency room for further treatment.

    The police believe this was done on purpose and when the perpetrator is caught, he or she could face 2nd degree assault charges.

    Now, I have a theory on this. I am basically a detective having graduated from the Nancy Drew School of Detecting Shit and something is fishy about her story. I, too have had an unfortunate incident involving Super Glue and a body part. That stuff dries fast. You can’t tell me that someone put that on the seat and left it there until this fruitcake plopped down. It would have been dry, people. Plus, it smells horrible. She would have caught a whiff of those fumes in the produce section. If she did sit down in wet Super Glue, then why did she just sit in it? If my precious bottom had sat in something slimy, I would have vaulted over the stall from sheer terror of what disease I have just contracted.

    She is looking to collect some money from Wal-mart and live the easy life.  Granted, she won’t be sitting on her rear for the next few months, but a little suffering will be worth all the money she is going to receive.

    If by chance my theory might be wrong (yea, right) and this actually went down like they suspect…the woman is still to blame, because you just do not use the toilets at Wal-mart. EVER. I truly would rather pull up in the shoe section and crawl into my cart to squat over a dog food bowl. I would not be embarrassed in the least, because I know for a fact crazier things than that happen all the time at Wally World.

    Bottom line folks…people are nuts. Before you back that thing up, make sure you peek at the seat.

    *Buy your Peek at the Seat t-shirts at 1happypill.com very soon*

     

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  3. Busted…Literally

    February 5, 2012 by C.

    Dolly Parton wishes she had boobies as large as mine

    Maureen Raymond, 49, was arrested last week for driving under the influence. Now, if I stopped right there it would seem like a normal every day thing but it gets so much better folks.

    Upon being pulled over for going 50 in a 35 mph zone, she tells police she cannot participate in the sobriety field tests because, “big breast you don’t balance well.”

    Hmmmmm…I bet they had never heard that excuse before.

    Raymond was slurring her speech and reeked of alcohol. The officers asked her if she had any injuries and she said she had, “big breasts and whiplash.” I am not sure how she got the whiplash considering she had not wrecked her car. Maybe it was an injury from earlier in the day when she attempted to get her bazookas wrangled into a bra.

    Police asked Raymond to walk in a straight line and instead of doing that she decided to “bust” a move and was dancing all over the place. The officers told her she needed to keep her hands down by her sides and she responded, “hell no, not with these”. She again stated she could not do the test with her “big boobies.”

    The police report also said that Raymond started to take off her clothes to show the officers her breasts but they stopped her. If she were 23 and had on her stripper outfit from Bare Assets, the gentlemen’s club down the street, it might have been a different story.

    I wonder if this will start other people claiming they have issues that prevent them from walking the line…say a huge beer belly or heavy balls. What’s not so good for the goose, just might work for the gander.

    The thing is, I have the same issues as Ms. Raymond. Instead of fighting them though, I have learned to embrace them. Here are a few things that I have found they are good for…

    If my plane goes down in a large body of water, no need to reach under my seat for the flotation device, these babies could float me to China and back.

    They come in very handy as a shelf. I often perch ink pens, remote controls and my car keys on them when my hands are full.

    It never fails when I am eating, something falls and stops there. The food usually stays there until I pick it off and throw it away or eat it. Turns out, breasts work great as food savers.

    Cleavage is great for holding things such as lollipops, so I can eat a lollipop while using my hands to drive my car. I love multi-tasking!

    I will be mailing Ms. Raymond a copy of these suggestions to the Martin County Sheriff’s office. Maybe next time she won’t do something so silly that gives all us big boobie women a bad name.