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‘Crazy mom’ Category

  1. Why I Am Still Scared of My Mother

    June 8, 2012 by C.

     

     

     I was raised in our family restaurant. One of these days, when I can sit down and focus on those years, I would bet I have enough stories to fill at least three books.  There was always something going on.

     This is one of my favorite stories. It is involves my mom and grandfather during one of their more insane moments.

     You would be surprised to know how often customers walk out without paying their bill. Occasionally, it would be someone who sincerely just forgot and those are easy to remedy fairly quickly.

    Unfortunately the majority of people are trying to get a free meal. We pretty much considered these people scum of the earth. I am not talking about a homeless person that is starving…we would always take care of those folks and not expect a dime. It is the people who come in and bring a group with them, order the biggest steaks on the menu and drink more than Lindsay Lohan could in a week.

    They were sly. One would go to the bathroom, then the second person. Finally the last person would get up and sneak out at our busiest moments. It was these people that we would chase after. Chasing after “walkers” was one of my favorite things about working in our restaurant.

    A waitress would run back to the kitchen and scream, “Walkers! We have walkers going out the back!”

    Everyone and I mean everyone would ensue pursuit out the back door. But the day this particular incident happened, my mom and grandfather were the first two to discover this guy had walked and he was running. My mom takes off after him with my grandfather in hot pursuit. The man hits the back door and is in a full on sprint. They know they will never ever catch him and that just won’t do. So my grandfather screams, “Shoot him! Just shoot his ass!”

    To which my mother replies, “I’ve got the gun!”

    We didn’t even keep a gun on the property. The man dropped to his knees, putting his hands behind his head and started whimpering, “Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! Please don’t shoot me, lady!”

    By this time the entire staff has surrounded him on the parking lot and he sees they don’t have a gun. To say the man was a little angry is a huge understatement.

    During his barrage of profanities, my mother lost her temper and slapped the man in the face. Hard.

    “Oh lady, you are gonna pay for that. I am going to have the police arrest you when they get here.”

    “Really? How many witnesses do you think we have here that will back up your story? Hmmm…I don’t see any. I seriously doubt they will believe such a thing from a man who just stole from a restaurant.”

    The police arrived and the man tried to have them haul my mom off too, but of course they didn’t listen to him. As my mom and grandpa were walking back into the restaurant, my grandpa looked at my mom and said, “You know, this is supposed to be fun. I think you might be taking this a little too seriously. Try to relax and have more fun with the next one.”


  2. The Home Shopping Network and Blueberry Cheese

    November 18, 2011 by C.

    My mom has been stuck in a hospital or at home since October 12th. No driving, no walks…just stuck. She had knee replacement surgery and a complication has set her back a little longer than she had expected. A big day for her is being driven to a doctor’s appointment and then a trip through McDonald’s drive-thru for a strawberry milkshake. This happens once every 2-3 weeks.
    Now, if you or I were stuck at home we would probably play on Facebook or watch Netflix movies all day long but she doesn’t even own a computer (“I don’t want to get a virus or have one of those hacker people steal my identity”). So she watches TV and especially loves The Home Shopping Network.
    I came home Tuesday and picked up her mail. I had not checked it since Saturday. When I opened the box it was full of catalogs and two keys for the larger package boxes on the end. I took the keys and opened them up to see they were completely full! It took me three trips to get her mail into my car. I took it in to her later that night and dumped it beside her recliner. She said she had been shopping for Christmas gifts since she cannot get out. That is understandable and keeps me out of the stores doing it for her, so more power to her.
    A little later she called me and asked me how long it had been since I had checked her mail. I said Saturday was the last time I went out to get it. Here is how the conversation went from there…
    “Well, obviously you are trying to poison me,” she said.
    “Excuse me? What are you talking about?” I asked.
    “There was a package of blueberry cheddar cheese (I am sorry but that sounds nasty) and liverwurst in one of those packages. I am going to die of food poisoning when I eat them. You should have brought them in right away. It was 70 degrees yesterday!” she said.
    I said slowly, “Mom, if there was a chance the food would go bad during transport it would have been packed in dry ice or something and over-nighted…not shipped to you via the post office.”
    “Whatever. You are trying to poison me. I was really excited about my liverwurst too. Do you know how hard it is to get good liverwurst now? The tornado destroyed the only grocery store in town that carried it,” she said.
    Yep, that is what I miss most since the tornado wiped out a third of our town…the liverwurst grocery store.
    Again, I tried to assure her that if it was something that would spoil that quickly it would have been shipped FedEx or UPS overnight on dry ice.
    She just kept arguing. I was laughing so hard I was crying. When I could finally speak again I recommended she call the company to see if in fact she would die after eating what they shipped her and also to tell them they should have packed it in dry ice or something. But of course, she would hear none of this. It was MY fault for leaving it in the mailbox for two days. Whatever.
    So last night, I go to check on her and a large package was dropped on her front porch. She asked me to drag it in and set it in front of her chair. It was a giant purse from of course, the Home Shopping Network. I just shook my head and started to leave.
    “Wait! I want to show you the outfit I got to go with the purse,” she said.
    I grabbed her remote control and quickly child blocked all the shopping networks I could find. She can barely get the satellite turned on so I knew she would never figure out how to unlock them. I gave her the remote back and went home. I keep waiting for a phone call from her in a panic because she cannot find the HSN channel anymore.
    “I am sure one of those hackers broke into my satellite and stole it from me!” she would say. “Probably out charging up all my credit cards as we speak.”
    Please Lord, when I am her age, allow me to understand technology a little better and know that blueberries don’t belong in cheese.