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‘crazy people’ Category

  1. Quitting Your Job To Breastfeed Your Boyfriend Is Totally Not Weird

    June 19, 2016 by C.

    Put the boobie down, man!

    Put the boobie down, man!

     

     

     

    Last week, I read about Jennifer Mulford, a woman from Georgia, who quit her job so she could stay home and breastfeed her boyfriend. Since Jennifer has not given birth recently, they are basically doing dry feedings every two hours in hopes that her milk will come in eventually.

    People reacted as expected. “What the f*%& is wrong with these people” was the general consensus. Rumors swirled that her body-builder boyfriend also liked to act like a baby while he participated in this activity. He quickly came forward to deny those allegations and to say that breast milk is excellent to use for building muscle.

    Jennifer shared during a radio interview that these feedings led to sex, “6 out of every 7 times”. Obviously, this is why I never get any action. I think I’ll head to Target tomorrow, pick up a nursing bra along with a random man from the parking lot.

    No, really I think this is pretty crazy. I needed a second opinion before heading out to Target. It just so happened I had an appointment with my shrink this week.

    Me: “Have you heard about the couple who are into breastfeeding? She’s quit her job just to let him do his thing every two hours. That’s crazy, right???

    Shrink: “Are you asking me in terms of is it crazy she has quit her job to do this or do I think this is some highly unusual sexual fetish?”

    Me: “Well, both.”

    Shrink: “There are far worse sexual fetishes out there. Actually, I would say this one is pretty mild in comparison. Her quitting her job, while not rational, does not make her crazy.”

    Me: “How can you not say this woman is a total whack job????”

    Shrink: “Chanin, we have talked about the use of that term in this office. We prefer to call them patients.”

    Me: “Ok, whatever. How about you tell me a fetish that you have seen and treated that is worse than this one?”

    Shrink: “I really shouldn’t divulge that kind of information.”

    Me: “Oh, stop being so professional. Spill it. You don’t have to mention any names…just the crazy crap they’re into.”

    Shrink: “No names. Ok, so I have treated someone with objectophilia.”

    Me: “Ha! That sounds pretty tame to me.”

    Shrink: “Do you know what it is?”

    Me: “Um, someone who objects to EVERYTHING all the time.”

    Shrink: “Not even close. This particular individual became aroused by and engaged in sexual activities with paper. Now, that is a more unusual fetish.”

    Me: “I’m feeling a little ill. Is it ok if I lie down on your couch?”

    Shrink: *laughing* “Of course. Another time I treated someone who had auto-haemofetishism.”

    Me: “What in the hell is that?”

    Shrink: “Being sexually aroused by blood. Your own.”

    Me: “Ok, look. I think we should cut this session short. Can you give me some money back or something for freaking me the hell out today?”

    Shrink: “Sorry, per our patient agreement, there are no refunds. Plus, I need the money to pay my therapist to help me deal with patients like you.”

    Me: “You’re so funny. If this career doesn’t work out for you, I suggest stand-up comedian. Thanks for making me ill. See you next week!”

     

    After thinking about heading to Target, I realized that just the thought of a man latching onto my bossom every two hours made me cringe. Obviously, this was not the way for me. But I might head to Office Depot and pick up a case of printer paper.

     

     

     

     


  2. Albany Mom Brings Her Milkshake to an Assembly

    February 21, 2013 by C.

    Hubba hubba

    Hubba hubba

     

     

    An elementary school in Albany, NY had some excitement last Friday. This hot mess, Aydrea Meaders, was attending the school assembly that morning and jumped up to join the kids in a dance routine. Cute, huh? I am sure it was until she threw down her coat and started stripping from the waist up in front of 200 small children.

    I would say that was the most those kids have paid attention to what’s going on in school the whole year.

    All the little boys were probably screaming, “Look! Boobies!!!!”

    School staff rushed the stage and tackled her until the authorities could arrive to make the arrest. She was charged with seven counts of Endangering the Welfare of a Child and one count of Public Lewdness. I am not sure where they came up with only seven counts when there were 200 children blinded for life, but whatever…must be new math or something.

    The most tragic part of this whole story is she is the parent of one of these children. Can you imagine how humiliating it would be? I mean, this isn’t your Mom telling an embarrassing story in front of your friends…this is Mom nakedness in front of your whole school. I suppose it would be different if she was at least hot, but as you can see, she isn’t hot and she shook it so hard her eyeballs are all crooked now.

    The child’s classmates will forever be asking him,” Dude, remember when your Mom stripped at our assembly?” The lunch ladies will give him extra tater tots because they feel sorry for him. Teachers will chuckle in his face as he turns in homework assignments. The janitor will ask, “Hey, will your Mom come strip at my buddy’s poker night?” Poor kid.

    The next assembly this school year is “Spring Has Sprung” featuring Todd Phillips as the dancing tulip. Hopefully, Aydrea won’t be “sprung” from jail to join Todd on stage for that one.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  3. Worst Proposal Ever

    September 8, 2012 by C.

    Let’s drink to my shitty proposal!

     

    Alexey Bykov of Russia wanted to know if his girl really loved him. Bykov hired professionals to stage a car crash in which he dies. He went all out…make-up artists, stuntmen and a film director. He wanted this to look like the real deal when his girlfriend showed up on the scene.

    He told her to meet him at this location at a certain time and when she arrived she saw him lying on the ground covered in blood.

    “When I arrived there were mangled cars everywhere, ambulances, smoke and carnage…a paramedic told me he was dead and I just broke down in tears,” Irena said.

    Bykov sees she is crying over him, stands up and proposes to the woman.

    Alexey wanted her to realize how “life would have no meaning” without him, according to The Sun.

    What a douchebag.

    This woman actually said yes. Personally if it were me, I would have kicked him in the groin and walked away.

    This marriage is doomed. I would hate to see what he wants to do to celebrate their anniversary. Set up a guy to see if she cheats on him is my guess. Good times.

    There must be a shortage of decent guys in Russia. This explains why so many Russian women sign up to be mail-order brides. It really can’t be much worse than this no matter where they are shipped off to.

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  4. Someone Actually Wants to Marry Paris Hilton

    July 9, 2012 by C.

    Paris Hilton rocks my world. Seriously.

     

     

    Fredrick Denney, 61, barricaded himself in a Hampton Inn this past Saturday threatening to shoot at the police. Belmont, NC had never seen such excitement. The SWAT team came out, the entire 2nd floor shut down and negotiations began.

    Money? A getaway car? No, Mr. Denney wanted a pizza and to marry Paris Hilton. He was finally pepper-sprayed and taken to a hospital for mental evaluation.

    I don’t think there is any question he is nuts. Why in the world would he want to marry Paris Hilton? I can see wanting a pizza. Stand-offs are hard work, people.

    Obviously, Paris did not consent to the marriage. Mainly because Fredrick was staying at a Hampton Inn, a white trash hotel compared to a Hilton.

    So it didn’t work out for him with Paris. I would bet the Octomom would marry him in a heartbeat.

     

     

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  5. Zombie Apocalypse Coming Soon

    May 30, 2012 by C.

    Have you seen the news lately? Zombies are popping out of the woodwork.

    Let’s start with the face eating Zombie from Miami, Florida. A naked man, chewing on a homeless man’s face. When asked nicely to stop chewing on the man’s nose, Zombie turned around and growled at the cop, then went back to eating.The cop shot him, but our Zombie continued with his Sunday brunch. It took 6 shots to kill this guy. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a serious Zombie attack and it really freaks me out.

    Then this morning, I read another Zombie stabbed himself and as the police were trying to subdue him, he started throwing pieces of his intestines and skin at them. Here is the important piece of information…the police sprayed him with pepper spray before he started    the intestine toss and it did not phase him. Are you getting the picture, folks?

    Maybe this will help spell it out for you if you are a little slow…http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

    We’re screwed, bitches!

    However if you start preparing now, chances are you might survive at least 2-3 days. Look, the world is going to come to a bloody nasty end soon, so you might as well rack up those credit cards buying preparation supplies or just buy a bunch of shit you have wanted for a long time, because you truly won’t be around long enough to pay the bills.

    ***Note from the law office of French, Frye and Coke—She is joking. Our client will not be held accountable. Do not charge up your credit cards preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She is really dumb to believe all this crazy shit, but she pays us well.***

    I will keep this short and sweet as I am busy putting together my list of supplies to survive this mess. If you need a cheat sheet to get started with your purchases here is what I have on my list so far…

    Shotgun (duh)

    bullets for shotgun

    Monster truck (if you don’t shoot very well at least you can run over them)

    First aid kit

    Rations

    Many cases of Coke

    Some of these so you can wipe the Zombie goo from your eye protection. Of course, Elton John is already prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

     

     

     

     

    70 inch LED Flat screen (ok, that has nothing to do with Zombies…I just want one).

    Chainsaw

    Friends like these that you won’t feel bad about sacrificing to the Zombies…

    ***Do not sacrifice them until they have found you a nice hidey hole, killed a cow and butchered it all up into some nice T-bones and built you a fire. Then you can let the Zombies have them.***

    This is some serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The next story I read about someone chowing on another human or using their own blood as paint, I am grabbing my Bug Out Bag (bit.ly/MZcvXA) and heading for the hills.


  6. Let Your Freak Fly

    February 11, 2012 by C.

    Can you say fruitcake???

    Most days I mentally abuse myself about my position in life at age 40.

    “Don’t make enough money.”

    “Going nowhere fast.”

    “Don’t own a house like normal people my age.”

    “I drive a Kia.”

    “No kids for me. At this age, my eggs must be like dried up raisins.”

    Blah blah blah. You get the picture. For the next few months, I will get a break from all that. Why?? Well, because the best show ever is starting a new season and watching these people makes me feel like I have my shit more together than Gwyneth Paltrow.

    *Gwynnie, if you are reading this…I simply ADORE you. I started putting my eye cream in the fridge just like you said to do in your blog. I still have nasty bags under my eyes, but it gives me the chance to eat a couple of chocolate eclairs while I am in there digging for that jar of eye cream. Call me!*

    “My Strange Addiction” starts this Sunday, on TLC at 9pm central. This season is going to be a doozie. The very first episode will feature Nathaniel. My boy Nate loves taking his car out for dates and um…well he…oh boy…he gets busy with his car and I don’t mean a running errands kind of busy. 27-years-old and has been dating “Chase” for 5 years now.

    Nathan, you are a freaky man. I am 10 steps closer to Gwynnie level.

    On the same episode, we will meet a woman addicted to snorting baby powder and has been doing so for 10 years (I bet she smells really good though). I am feeling so damn good about myself right now.

    Also this season you will get to see a woman addicted to eating cat food. She will have several cans of the wet stuff and about 900 cat treats a day. Most people (especially me) really fear having to eat cat food one day when our retirement runs out, so I am hoping to learn how to embrace a “Friskies” fix. Probably not as good as “Fancy Feast” but I won’t be able to afford that shit.

    A moth ball sniffer, a woman addicted to her size 38KKK boobies, even while they are causing her health issues, a woman that eats tape, another woman that drinks 5 bottles of nail polish a day (I bet her insides are so pretty and she pees rainbow colors).

    So, please join me in watching the freak fest on Sunday night. Everyone needs to be reminded of just how normal they are occasionally.


  7. My New Bestest Show

    February 8, 2012 by C.

    As some of you know, I am a little paranoid and slightly crazy. I feel like the end of the world is near and I would like to be totally prepared for that. When the US is all screwed up because of earthquakes, flooding and animals falling from the sky and you can’t seem to make it across town to your local Starbucks for some coffee, I will have enough coffee stockpiled to last me for three years. Who’s crazy now bitches???
    If you would like to learn more about getting prepared for the end of the world, there is a great new show coming on tonight. A documentary type show featuring people just like me, except slightly more nuts. Tune in tonight to the National Geographic Channel at 8pm central and watch “Doomsday Preppers”. I am excited about this show because it will feature a man that has taught himself how to survive on garden weeds alone.
    I am hoping he needs a wife…sounds like my soul mate.

  8. Playing Video Games Could Result In A Beat Down

    October 1, 2011 by C.

    Mark Bradford, 46, of Plymouth, England lost it when his character from “Call of Duty: Black Ops” was gunned down by a 13-year-old kid. The two were playing online and chatting through headsets. The teen also called Bradford a name after killing him off. Well, boo-hoo.

    This father of three raced across town to the kid’s house (this is why you don’t tell people you meet on-line where you live) and started choking him with both hands around the neck. The teen’s mother came to his rescue. He suffered a few scratches but other than that was fine.

    “It wasn’t malice. I just grabbed him. I’ve seen him since and apologized. The injuries weren’t that bad but I do regret it,” Bradford told the court Thursday.

    A sentencing is planned for October 24th.