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‘crime’ Category

  1. Apparently Chasing Kids with Chainsaw is Illegal

    June 14, 2013 by C.

    Lynn Herzog

    Lynn Herzog

     

     

     

     

    Lynn Marie Herzog, of Winfield, MO was arrested and charged with felony harassment last week. What’s her crime? No, not her nasty case of Rosacea…Lynn was chasing kids with a chainsaw while wearing a ski mask (I feel the mask was to hide her Rosacea so not to cause the children to have horrific nightmares).

    It is unknown why she took the chainsaw after the kids. The mother of one of the boys said she never felt like the kid’s lives were in danger as the chainsaw was not running (I am a little disappointed in you, Lynn).

    The mother, Patricia Manker, and another neighbor reported that the woman has been seen photographing and video- taping the kids in the neighborhood.  That part is more disturbing to me than her chasing them with a chainsaw.

    Recently, I had a similar situation. There were children from the neighborhood playing between my house and the next door neighbor’s (about 6 ft. between the two houses). I could hear a baseball whacking the vinyl siding and knew I should get up and go out to shut them down but I was in the middle of writing in my office and was just irritated. The window in my office overlooks this area of the yard. I turned my computer speakers around and pulled up Spotify to play chainsaw noises as loud as they could possibly play. I then quickly switched to screaming sounds. Then I hit pause and listened.

    “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, did you hear that???” one said.

    “What is going on in there?” asked another.

    “Let’s get out of here I am freaking out!” said another.

    And off they ran as fast as their little trespassing legs could carry them. I hope they come back again and throw their ball over my fence and I can laugh and laugh as they wet themselves from fear of having to ring my doorbell to retrieve it. Lynn Herzog and I are the same person…I just don’t own a chainsaw.

     


  2. Nancy Drew Would Be Proud

    July 2, 2012 by C.

     

    A woman in Monticello, KY was Super-Glued to a toilet inside the local Wal-mart. She sat down and was unable to get up. She started screaming and banging on the stall until someone came to help her. She sat there for an hour.

     

    The paramedics were able to get the seat removed from the stool, but unable to get it removed from her bum. She was taken to the emergency room for further treatment.

    The police believe this was done on purpose and when the perpetrator is caught, he or she could face 2nd degree assault charges.

    Now, I have a theory on this. I am basically a detective having graduated from the Nancy Drew School of Detecting Shit and something is fishy about her story. I, too have had an unfortunate incident involving Super Glue and a body part. That stuff dries fast. You can’t tell me that someone put that on the seat and left it there until this fruitcake plopped down. It would have been dry, people. Plus, it smells horrible. She would have caught a whiff of those fumes in the produce section. If she did sit down in wet Super Glue, then why did she just sit in it? If my precious bottom had sat in something slimy, I would have vaulted over the stall from sheer terror of what disease I have just contracted.

    She is looking to collect some money from Wal-mart and live the easy life.  Granted, she won’t be sitting on her rear for the next few months, but a little suffering will be worth all the money she is going to receive.

    If by chance my theory might be wrong (yea, right) and this actually went down like they suspect…the woman is still to blame, because you just do not use the toilets at Wal-mart. EVER. I truly would rather pull up in the shoe section and crawl into my cart to squat over a dog food bowl. I would not be embarrassed in the least, because I know for a fact crazier things than that happen all the time at Wally World.

    Bottom line folks…people are nuts. Before you back that thing up, make sure you peek at the seat.

    *Buy your Peek at the Seat t-shirts at 1happypill.com very soon*

     

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  3. Why I Am Still Scared of My Mother

    June 8, 2012 by C.

     

     

     I was raised in our family restaurant. One of these days, when I can sit down and focus on those years, I would bet I have enough stories to fill at least three books.  There was always something going on.

     This is one of my favorite stories. It is involves my mom and grandfather during one of their more insane moments.

     You would be surprised to know how often customers walk out without paying their bill. Occasionally, it would be someone who sincerely just forgot and those are easy to remedy fairly quickly.

    Unfortunately the majority of people are trying to get a free meal. We pretty much considered these people scum of the earth. I am not talking about a homeless person that is starving…we would always take care of those folks and not expect a dime. It is the people who come in and bring a group with them, order the biggest steaks on the menu and drink more than Lindsay Lohan could in a week.

    They were sly. One would go to the bathroom, then the second person. Finally the last person would get up and sneak out at our busiest moments. It was these people that we would chase after. Chasing after “walkers” was one of my favorite things about working in our restaurant.

    A waitress would run back to the kitchen and scream, “Walkers! We have walkers going out the back!”

    Everyone and I mean everyone would ensue pursuit out the back door. But the day this particular incident happened, my mom and grandfather were the first two to discover this guy had walked and he was running. My mom takes off after him with my grandfather in hot pursuit. The man hits the back door and is in a full on sprint. They know they will never ever catch him and that just won’t do. So my grandfather screams, “Shoot him! Just shoot his ass!”

    To which my mother replies, “I’ve got the gun!”

    We didn’t even keep a gun on the property. The man dropped to his knees, putting his hands behind his head and started whimpering, “Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! Please don’t shoot me, lady!”

    By this time the entire staff has surrounded him on the parking lot and he sees they don’t have a gun. To say the man was a little angry is a huge understatement.

    During his barrage of profanities, my mother lost her temper and slapped the man in the face. Hard.

    “Oh lady, you are gonna pay for that. I am going to have the police arrest you when they get here.”

    “Really? How many witnesses do you think we have here that will back up your story? Hmmm…I don’t see any. I seriously doubt they will believe such a thing from a man who just stole from a restaurant.”

    The police arrived and the man tried to have them haul my mom off too, but of course they didn’t listen to him. As my mom and grandpa were walking back into the restaurant, my grandpa looked at my mom and said, “You know, this is supposed to be fun. I think you might be taking this a little too seriously. Try to relax and have more fun with the next one.”


  4. Zombie Apocalypse Coming Soon

    May 30, 2012 by C.

    Have you seen the news lately? Zombies are popping out of the woodwork.

    Let’s start with the face eating Zombie from Miami, Florida. A naked man, chewing on a homeless man’s face. When asked nicely to stop chewing on the man’s nose, Zombie turned around and growled at the cop, then went back to eating.The cop shot him, but our Zombie continued with his Sunday brunch. It took 6 shots to kill this guy. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a serious Zombie attack and it really freaks me out.

    Then this morning, I read another Zombie stabbed himself and as the police were trying to subdue him, he started throwing pieces of his intestines and skin at them. Here is the important piece of information…the police sprayed him with pepper spray before he started    the intestine toss and it did not phase him. Are you getting the picture, folks?

    Maybe this will help spell it out for you if you are a little slow…http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

    We’re screwed, bitches!

    However if you start preparing now, chances are you might survive at least 2-3 days. Look, the world is going to come to a bloody nasty end soon, so you might as well rack up those credit cards buying preparation supplies or just buy a bunch of shit you have wanted for a long time, because you truly won’t be around long enough to pay the bills.

    ***Note from the law office of French, Frye and Coke—She is joking. Our client will not be held accountable. Do not charge up your credit cards preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She is really dumb to believe all this crazy shit, but she pays us well.***

    I will keep this short and sweet as I am busy putting together my list of supplies to survive this mess. If you need a cheat sheet to get started with your purchases here is what I have on my list so far…

    Shotgun (duh)

    bullets for shotgun

    Monster truck (if you don’t shoot very well at least you can run over them)

    First aid kit

    Rations

    Many cases of Coke

    Some of these so you can wipe the Zombie goo from your eye protection. Of course, Elton John is already prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

     

     

     

     

    70 inch LED Flat screen (ok, that has nothing to do with Zombies…I just want one).

    Chainsaw

    Friends like these that you won’t feel bad about sacrificing to the Zombies…

    ***Do not sacrifice them until they have found you a nice hidey hole, killed a cow and butchered it all up into some nice T-bones and built you a fire. Then you can let the Zombies have them.***

    This is some serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The next story I read about someone chowing on another human or using their own blood as paint, I am grabbing my Bug Out Bag (bit.ly/MZcvXA) and heading for the hills.


  5. Modern Day Sybil

    February 20, 2012 by C.

    23-year-old Timothy Beer of Leechburg, Pennsylvania turned himself into police on Tuesday for the robbery of China King Restaurant. Mr. Beer claims to have multiple personalities and one of them robbed this restaurant.

    The robbery occurred last Sunday. Beer read about it in the paper a few days later and suddenly remembered what had happened. He told police he went to the restaurant and ordered food. He got angry because he thought the person waiting on him was continuing to speak Chinese. The next thing he remembered was playing video games at his cousin’s house.

    Let’s give credit where credit is due. Mr. Beer is an extremely honest man to turn himself in like that. Not very smart, but what do you expect with Beer for a last name.

    I have a few personalities myself and they have gotten me in some trouble over the years. Luckily, we have never done something so severe to be put behind bars…at least not yet.

    Without further ado, here are my peeps:

    Bertha Lou Bissinger- Bertha likes to eat. She has been banned from every pizza and Chinese buffet in town. Often, when I return to being myself my face is covered in Cheeto dust and hot fudge.

    Ramona J. Stanley- She is essentially trailer trash. Caked on make-up, puffy hair with bangs and tube tops. She drinks frequently and has been know to pick fights. The shrink asked her what the “J” stood for in her name to which she replied, “Jawbreaker, what the f&$% else would it stand for?? Jane??”

    Blue Ivy Carter- She lives her life as Jay-z and Beyonce’s baby girl. She waves around a microphone rattle and demands a little Cristal in her bottle every night.

    Dale Jr.-Gets my name listed in the newspapers with all the speeding tickets he gets. Wears lots of flannel and chews tobacco.

    Haden Ranger Randolph- 14-year-old boy. Plays video games non-stop, eats pizza and drinks Red Bull. Came to once with a broken arm from a skateboard trick he attempted involving my car and a piece of plywood. He is not smart.

    I hope to develop a personality that is some sort of genius and can figure out a way for me to pick winning lottery tickets. Until then, I will just pray that I don’t go bankrupt from Bertha’s pizza deliveries and the hospital bills from hanging with Haden.


  6. There Are Benefits To Being A Fatty

    July 24, 2011 by C.

    Work it! 

    These lovely ladies in their pretty skirts stole around $400 of champagne from a liquor store by placing the bottles underneath their skirts. I can only assume they had the bottles in a death grip between their thunder thighs. 


    Do I have to even say this happened in Florida? There are some seriously whacked out people down in that state. I get most of my stories from the lunatics in Florida. Thank you Floridians! 


    This was not the first time this store was hit by the skirt bandits. It happened once before in October.


    Paul Mouts,owner of DPF Liquors said, “It’s very frustrating. It’s the second time, and I want them caught.”


    The women have been identified but the police cannot seem to track them down. 


    I knew there had to be benefits to being a fatty other than keeping me super warm in the winter and getting me out of climbing the rope to the roof in gym class. 


    I had to test this out for myself. Off to Wal-mart I went. I decided on a bottle of Seagram’s Calypso Colada in the refrigerated section of the liquor department. Do not judge. It is hotter than a stolen tamale outside. 


    I hiked up my skirt and shoved the bottle in mouth end first. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh man that felt good. I headed off to the front door. I was distracted by my thoughts of “how much time will I do if I am caught trying to steal one wine cooler? I hope the food has gotten better since the water and cracker days…I would hate to lose lots of weight and become someones bitch on the prison yard.”


    A child ran out in front of me, I had to stop suddenly and that is when I felt the shift. The bottle was making its way down my thighs. I froze. I had caught it just above my knees. I was almost to the front door. Surely I could make it out with the bottle in this position. I am waddling down the aisle like a palsied penguin. 


    I was so focused on the front door I did not see the elderly man headed my way in a motorized cart. The senile bastard ran over my toe causing me to scream and my thighs to release the bottle. 


    “Oh my God, my water just broke!” *Never thought looking like a pregnant person full time would ever pay off*


    As I ran out the front door I heard someone say, “Why is her water blue and why does it smell tropical?” A woman responds with, “Never mind that. Why does it have glass in it?” 


    Crime just does not pay. Even if you have an abundance of fat rolls to hide the loot.