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  1. Quitting Your Job To Breastfeed Your Boyfriend Is Totally Not Weird

    June 19, 2016 by C.

    Put the boobie down, man!

    Put the boobie down, man!

     

     

     

    Last week, I read about Jennifer Mulford, a woman from Georgia, who quit her job so she could stay home and breastfeed her boyfriend. Since Jennifer has not given birth recently, they are basically doing dry feedings every two hours in hopes that her milk will come in eventually.

    People reacted as expected. “What the f*%& is wrong with these people” was the general consensus. Rumors swirled that her body-builder boyfriend also liked to act like a baby while he participated in this activity. He quickly came forward to deny those allegations and to say that breast milk is excellent to use for building muscle.

    Jennifer shared during a radio interview that these feedings led to sex, “6 out of every 7 times”. Obviously, this is why I never get any action. I think I’ll head to Target tomorrow, pick up a nursing bra along with a random man from the parking lot.

    No, really I think this is pretty crazy. I needed a second opinion before heading out to Target. It just so happened I had an appointment with my shrink this week.

    Me: “Have you heard about the couple who are into breastfeeding? She’s quit her job just to let him do his thing every two hours. That’s crazy, right???

    Shrink: “Are you asking me in terms of is it crazy she has quit her job to do this or do I think this is some highly unusual sexual fetish?”

    Me: “Well, both.”

    Shrink: “There are far worse sexual fetishes out there. Actually, I would say this one is pretty mild in comparison. Her quitting her job, while not rational, does not make her crazy.”

    Me: “How can you not say this woman is a total whack job????”

    Shrink: “Chanin, we have talked about the use of that term in this office. We prefer to call them patients.”

    Me: “Ok, whatever. How about you tell me a fetish that you have seen and treated that is worse than this one?”

    Shrink: “I really shouldn’t divulge that kind of information.”

    Me: “Oh, stop being so professional. Spill it. You don’t have to mention any names…just the crazy crap they’re into.”

    Shrink: “No names. Ok, so I have treated someone with objectophilia.”

    Me: “Ha! That sounds pretty tame to me.”

    Shrink: “Do you know what it is?”

    Me: “Um, someone who objects to EVERYTHING all the time.”

    Shrink: “Not even close. This particular individual became aroused by and engaged in sexual activities with paper. Now, that is a more unusual fetish.”

    Me: “I’m feeling a little ill. Is it ok if I lie down on your couch?”

    Shrink: *laughing* “Of course. Another time I treated someone who had auto-haemofetishism.”

    Me: “What in the hell is that?”

    Shrink: “Being sexually aroused by blood. Your own.”

    Me: “Ok, look. I think we should cut this session short. Can you give me some money back or something for freaking me the hell out today?”

    Shrink: “Sorry, per our patient agreement, there are no refunds. Plus, I need the money to pay my therapist to help me deal with patients like you.”

    Me: “You’re so funny. If this career doesn’t work out for you, I suggest stand-up comedian. Thanks for making me ill. See you next week!”

     

    After thinking about heading to Target, I realized that just the thought of a man latching onto my bossom every two hours made me cringe. Obviously, this was not the way for me. But I might head to Office Depot and pick up a case of printer paper.

     

     

     

     


  2. Date Disaster

    August 10, 2014 by C.

    date

    I’m done.

     

     

    “I know it’s a little late, but would you like to meet me at Starbucks for a coffee or tea?” he asked.

    We had been talking via e-mails for a week and he had been asking me daily about meeting him somewhere in person.

    I suppose 8:30 pm is a little late when I have to be at work the next day, but surprisingly I wasn’t in my pjs yet. For once, I had on a decent looking shirt and I had just had my hair fluffed.

    “I would love to!” I responded.

    I met him inside, ordered my grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and sat down with him at a table. I have to be honest, after he ordered a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle, I almost bailed. I mean, what an obnoxious and annoying drink order…especially from a guy.

    Anywho, we decided to take a drive and since I have control issues, I drove. I had also had this really cool stereo installed in my car that I wanted to play with.

    So we drove around, switching out cds, talking and having a really great time. Other than that obnoxious drink order, I was really digging this guy. So many thoughts ran through my head as I drove through town…

    “Is it a requirement to wear a dress when you get married or are jean shorts ok?”

    “I hope he doesn’t expect my old uterus to poop out any kids for him.”

    “I hope he knows I am not putting out after one lousy Starbucks drink…what a tight-ass. I might want to reconsider this marriage.”

    Just a few blocks from dropping him off at his car, my cell phone rings through the stereo system via the bluetooth connection. I glanced at the screen and saw it was my mother. Then I glanced at the clock. Shit, it was 11 pm.

    I punched the receive call button and held my breath.

    “WHERE. ARE. YOU?” she asked.

    “Oh, just out driving around,” I replied.

    I looked over and he was staring out the window with a big grin on his face.

    Lovely.

    “It is after 11 at night and you have to work tomorrow! You haven’t even been at home tonight have you?”

    Please God. I beg of you. Just softly crash my car and have him whack his head on the dash just enough to cause some memory loss. All he will remember of this evening was that I look really good in pink and have excellent taste in music.

    “Yes, mom I was home between 7 and 8:30 tonight.”

    “Well, you are up to something. You normally tell me where you’re going. We will have a discussion about this tomorrow. Now, when you get home lock your door so Lurch doesn’t get in bed with you tonight. Good-bye.”

    The minute I hit the red disconnect button, he died laughing.

    He managed to choke out between belly laughs, “How old are you and who is Lurch???????”

    Yes, it’s true. I am a 43-year-old single woman and my mother just ruined the last shot I had at securing myself a husband.

    Does anyone have a cheap rocking chair I can buy to prepare for my days as an old maid???

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  3. Will You Marry Us?

    June 17, 2011 by C.

    Handsome Paul is looking for a bride. He has tried every which way to lure in a wife and has had no success. Paul is getting older (38) and really needs to find a wife and live happily ever after.

    He has started a blog http://www.handsomepaul.blogspot.com/ which is really funny and horribly honest. After reading through his blog I think I have come up with a few reasons why he has not had much luck thus far.

    1. Paul is pretty much bald. Chicks like hair or they like completely bald, not this half-ass bald head crap. Either shave it all off and shine it up or check into Hair Club for Men.

    2. He admits at 38 years of age he has NEVER had a girlfriend. It is far too difficult to deal with a man that has not been trained by a woman. We need to know at least a couple of women have whipped you into shape just a bit. Examples are: you know that you cannot leave the seat up on the toilet, taking out the trash is your job and you tell us we look nice in whatever we have on when we ask for your opinion.
    Starting from scratch is just too much work. At my age, crashing into a toilet with no seat is extremely dangerous and could lead to a broken hip or cracked pelvis.

    3. He doesn’t make enough money. Paul’s blog states that if you get him a date with someone that becomes his wife, he will donate half of a years salary to your favorite charity. The estimate for half of his salary is $10,000-20,000. Just trying to be realistic here…I do not wish to marry someone that makes $20,000 a year. I would like to eat something a little better than cat food when I retire. Not to mention a refrigerator box in Florida is not my idea of living the good life during my golden years. I think most women would agree with me here even though I might sound like a greedy bitch.

    4. This is where Paul lives…

    Where do I start with this? There are very few women that would approve of living like this. Seriously dude, plug in that TV, turn on HGTV and get this place woman ready. No woman in her right mind wants to pick up after your sloppy ass. 
    5. Women that are not hookers do not dig Weiner like photos. 
    6. #37 on his list is he does not need Viagra. “Even as I approach the age of 40, I’m still afraid to wear sweatpants because of how easily I get aroused.” Oh Paul, you should never have mentioned this. This means if your future wife happens to run the vacuum bra-less you will mount her like the hairy poodle you are. Us giving the girls a few hours out of their trap to clean house is not an invitation. Keep it tucked in your sweatpants. Please remember, marriage=no sex. Ever. Oh and whining just makes us want it even less so pick your lip up and soldier on. 

    I think that pretty much covers it. I won’t go into how Paul could share makeup with you or loves hamsters. I really do want this man to find a wife. 

    Here is where you come in. I need one of you to step up…take one for the team and marry Handsome Paul. That $10,000 could really help out some tornado victims in Joplin. So get with it! Paul has an e-mail address listed so you can e-mail him with all your endearing qualities. Actually, I think just being female means you are qualified so no need to try to impress him. I expect a wedding invitation. 

  4. Man Keeps Pet Alligator To Impress the Ladies

    May 17, 2011 by C.

    An Illinois man was charged for possession of a dangerous animal. Dewayne Yarborough, 43, said he kept an alligator in his house to serve as a “chick magnet.”

    This poor gator was kept in a fish tank and fed only 10 live mice a month in order to keep him from growing.

    Now, I am envisioning Dewayne to look a little like Dwight Shrute from “The Office”. He has probably been married and divorced and at this point pretty desperate.

    I am not sure what chick this would attract exactly. Maybe a chick that thought there was a chance the gator might eventually be made into shoes or a purse. It would certainly take a special woman to have a sleepover with Dewayne. I envision the lady having dreams of Brad Pitt sucking on her toes, only to wake up and find it was a gator sucking on her toes and he sucked a couple right off.

    Guys, this does not impress chicks. Here are a few other things that you should keep to yourself if you are wanting to impress a lady friend…

    Your collection of softball bats.

    Your Dungeons and Dragons chess set.

    The locks of your mother’s hair you keep in the medicine cabinet.

    Your beer sign collection.

    Voodoo doll used on ex-wife.

    That weird rash around your belly button.

    You get the idea. It truly is not hard to impress us. Hold open a door or two, have a job and tell us we are pretty. Or if all those things haven’t worked for you then invest in a pet rattlesnake. Chicks love snakes way more that gators.