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‘death’ Category

  1. Zombie Apocalypse Coming Soon

    May 30, 2012 by C.

    Have you seen the news lately? Zombies are popping out of the woodwork.

    Let’s start with the face eating Zombie from Miami, Florida. A naked man, chewing on a homeless man’s face. When asked nicely to stop chewing on the man’s nose, Zombie turned around and growled at the cop, then went back to eating.The cop shot him, but our Zombie continued with his Sunday brunch. It took 6 shots to kill this guy. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a serious Zombie attack and it really freaks me out.

    Then this morning, I read another Zombie stabbed himself and as the police were trying to subdue him, he started throwing pieces of his intestines and skin at them. Here is the important piece of information…the police sprayed him with pepper spray before he started    the intestine toss and it did not phase him. Are you getting the picture, folks?

    Maybe this will help spell it out for you if you are a little slow…http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

    We’re screwed, bitches!

    However if you start preparing now, chances are you might survive at least 2-3 days. Look, the world is going to come to a bloody nasty end soon, so you might as well rack up those credit cards buying preparation supplies or just buy a bunch of shit you have wanted for a long time, because you truly won’t be around long enough to pay the bills.

    ***Note from the law office of French, Frye and Coke—She is joking. Our client will not be held accountable. Do not charge up your credit cards preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She is really dumb to believe all this crazy shit, but she pays us well.***

    I will keep this short and sweet as I am busy putting together my list of supplies to survive this mess. If you need a cheat sheet to get started with your purchases here is what I have on my list so far…

    Shotgun (duh)

    bullets for shotgun

    Monster truck (if you don’t shoot very well at least you can run over them)

    First aid kit

    Rations

    Many cases of Coke

    Some of these so you can wipe the Zombie goo from your eye protection. Of course, Elton John is already prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

     

     

     

     

    70 inch LED Flat screen (ok, that has nothing to do with Zombies…I just want one).

    Chainsaw

    Friends like these that you won’t feel bad about sacrificing to the Zombies…

    ***Do not sacrifice them until they have found you a nice hidey hole, killed a cow and butchered it all up into some nice T-bones and built you a fire. Then you can let the Zombies have them.***

    This is some serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The next story I read about someone chowing on another human or using their own blood as paint, I am grabbing my Bug Out Bag (bit.ly/MZcvXA) and heading for the hills.


  2. Airline Travel: Not for the Faint of Heart

    January 21, 2012 by C.


    Last Friday, British Airways flight 206 traveling from Miami, FL to London accidentally announced over the speaker system that the plane was about to crash into the ocean. Apparently, they have this message pre-recorded (WHY?) and it just happened to play.

    A British Airways spokesperson told the newspaper: “The cabin crew canceled the announcement immediately and sought to reassure customers that the flight was operating normally. We apologize to customers for causing them undue concern.”

    Can you imagine waking from a deep sleep to hear this? It would be a miracle if I did not shit my pants immediately followed up by my heart exploding with a massive heart attack. If neither of those things occurred I think my first thought would be getting to a drink cart a.s.a.p. I have heard of people surviving car crashes that they shouldn’t have just because they were so drunk. I would have 5 mini-bottles shoved in my mouth with 5 more lined up for the next round.

    After I was good and buzzed, I would wander around the plane asking if anyone would like to join the “Mile High Club” with me. I do not have one ounce of wild in my body, but at that point why not go out with a bang…literally.

    You know there are always people on the plane that are so out of it they didn’t hear the announcement. I wonder if the crew went around gently shaking them, “Sir, excuse me sir…I just thought you would like to know we are all about to die. Pretzels?”

    I imagine the airline is going to have a few lawsuits brought against them for this one, if nothing else to reimburse for new pants and underwear for all the passengers. With this and the cruise ship disaster, I am just not sure I want to put my life in the hands of lunatics. All my future vacations will be road trips for sure.

  3. Life is a Bitch Then You Die, Live and Die Again

    June 25, 2011 by C.

    Fagliyu Mukametzyanova, 49, had died of an apparent heart attack. She collapsed in her home with chest pains and was pronounced dead by doctors in Russia.


    Later in the day, they held the funeral for Fagliyu. Apparently, the Russians aren’t into embalming. The mourners were passing by her coffin when she suddenly woke up, realized what was going on and started screaming. 


    She lived approximately 12 more minutes and then died again from the shock of being in a coffin with people praying over her soul. 


    Her husband is a bit crabby and wants the doctors that pronounced her dead to do some explaining.  “She wasn’t dead when they said she was and they could have saved her.” Poor guy. 


    At times I have thought it would be cool to get to watch your own funeral. Being able to see just who really misses you and the ones that cannot wait to pilfer through your belongings to sell them on Ebay. After reading about poor Fagliyu I think I may have changed my mind. Can you imagine waking up and realizing what was going on?? I would be really scared but then start to realize…hey I am alive! And then die again. What a downer from my miraculous resurrection. 


    I would imagine the doctors in that town were busy that evening with other heart failures. Those mourners probably thought she was some sort of zombie coming to drag them all into the grave. I know for sure I would have hit the doors and not stopped running until I made it safely to Finland.