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  1. Painkillers Are Lovely

    July 1, 2014 by C.

    I love bitch mints!

    I love bitch mints!

     

     

     

     

     

    I have had back problems for a week now. Today is the first day I have been able to stand up semi-straight.

     

    The past few days have been really bad so I have had some very thoughtful friends and family (aka drug dealers) dropping off pain meds since my Aleve just wasn’t cutting it.

     

    First up was my pillpusher mother, dropping off leftover Hydrocodone from her knee replacement surgery. I sat for two hours after swallowing it getting a little crabby because it wasn’t working and then it finally kicked in. I didn’t feel particularly tired, I just didn’t really give a shit about much. This was very evident in my text and email messages.

    “Hey, Tackett…my mom wants me to take a muscle relaxer on top of this soon. Will I die????????????????????”

    To another friend…”Taking drugs. If the mixture kills me, you can have my duplex. Just save this message and show it to my mom.”

    I get a text back to find out what dosage of Hydro I was given. I was on the phone with my mother when Tackett tries to call me. My phone has those auto text responses. I thought I pushed I was in a meeting (none of the others made any sense at all) but according to Tackett I pushed that I was at the movies.

    The very next text I got from her, “You are high or something. I am calling an ambulance. What movie are you in?”

    Me: “WHAT?????????????”

    Tackett: “What movie are you sitting in?”

    Me: “I don’t know what you are talking about. I am sitting at home!”

    Conversations like this went on for the rest of the night until I finally passed out.

    Then Friday night, another drug dealing friend brought over Percocet. I took one with dinner and within the hour I was dozing on and off. I finally put myself to bed around 11pm.

    I woke up the next day around 9am and was feeling much better. I got on the computer and started scheduling my Happy Pills posts. Within two hours, my head was on my desk and I woke up drooling. I shook it off and went to run some errands.

    Got back, sat in my recliner and started dozing off again. What the hell???? If this is anything like what will happen when I get old, I am NOT going to be a happy camper at the old folks home.

    After dinner, I thought I would try again to schedule my Happy Pills. Within the hour I was dozing off again. At 7:30 pm  I decided to stop fighting it and just lay down for an hour. And I woke up just before midnight. Awesome.

    I got out of bed and finished scheduling my page around 1:30am, then climbed back into bed and woke up around 7:30 the next morning. I think I might have finally gotten that Percocet out of my system. I am extremely relieved I did not take this on a night I had to go to the work the next day or I would have never made it.

    This experience has given me a great idea for my next vacation though. Take the daily limit of each pill every other day and sleep and write down the insane thoughts that pop into my head. I am certain by the end of the week I will be well-rested and have a best seller in my hands.

     

     

     

     

     


  2. Lipitor Love

    July 17, 2012 by C.

    Apparently very bad stuff.

     

     

    I am always looking to save a buck, especially on medications. Last week I got a nifty card in the mail that would allow me to fill my Lipitor prescription for just $4 a month. At the time I was paying $30. At my Doctor visit I asked him to write me a new script and I would go make an attempt to get this discount.

    So this evening I pull up at the drive-thru of a pharmacy only to be told I cannot get it for $4 because of my insurance, but they have recently knocked it down to $10 a month for my co-pay. Yipppeee!

    All of a sudden a booming voice comes on the intercom and says to me…

    “Miss, are you aware that you cannot even consider getting pregnant while taking this drug?”

    “Right, well sir, that isn’t a problem. Thanks for checking though,” I replied.

    “This is very serious ma’am (oh you did not just call me ma’am!). Your child could have birth defects if you’re impregnated while taking this drug,” he responded.

    I glance over at the car next to me praying they have not heard all of this. They must have been 100 and they did not approve of any of the conversation that was going down. You would have thought they heard me asking for a case of The Morning After Pill.

    Why couldn’t the guy just drop it? I mean my Doctor put me on it and we had this discussion already. Just fill the bottle up with some pills already…geez.

    “Let me put it to you this way…I have a better chance of being attacked by Zombies during the Apocalypse, than I have of getting impregnated any time soon. So please just fill the bottle up and shoot it out to me,” I replied.

    “Zombies are nothing to joke about. Have you not seen the news lately? The Apocalypse is coming and soon,” he said.

    Ladies and gentlemen, this just might be the man of my dreams. He has access to lots of pills and believes the Zombies are coming. What more can a girl ask for?

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  3. Best Product Promotion Ever

    May 6, 2012 by C.

    A prize in every box!

    Cindy Davidson of Salt Lake City, UT bought some discount tampons and pulled out a prize from one of the boxes.

    Tightly wound and taped up in the box of Boots brand tampons was some cocaine.

    After spending time trying to get the package open she called her sister to get her opinion.

    “I started getting nervous because I thought it might have been a terrorist attack,” she told KSL-TV. “I called my sister first and said I was going to call the manufacturer the next day and she told me to call the police.”

    Boy, those terrorists are getting smart. Waging a war on the women of America’s vaginas. If TSA starts making women pull out their tampons for inspection, I will either stop traveling or have a sex change.

    Don’t you just know some drug dealer in Vegas is completely pissed off? He is digging through mountains of tampons and can’t find his shit. I bet someone will get beheaded over this one.

    Personally, I think this was a genius way for the Boots company to sell some tampons. I bet after this story ran there was not a box of Boots left in the country. If this woman would have been smart she would have ran right back to that salvage and recovery store (what kind of dipshit buys tampons at a salvage store??) and bought every box they had left. Selling it would have paid for many a Mormon mission trip. At the very least she would have been able to afford to buy her tampons at Wal-mart like the rest of us.

    Tampax corporation needs to pay attention to this. Screw the Pearl! I want some coke with my tampons. Can you imagine how clean my damn house would be? I wouldn’t be near as angry nor would I gain my average five pounds per period, because I wouldn’t be sitting around stuffing boxes of Russell Stover candies, cupcakes and Taco flavored Doritos in my piehole all while watching re-runs of “House Hunters”, screaming at the TV, “You are gonna buy that one because your husband is a cheap-ass bastard!”

    If I could only come across some cannabis in my Midol bottle, this menstruation thing wouldn’t be near as difficult to deal with.