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‘DUI’ Category

  1. Busted…Literally

    February 5, 2012 by C.

    Dolly Parton wishes she had boobies as large as mine

    Maureen Raymond, 49, was arrested last week for driving under the influence. Now, if I stopped right there it would seem like a normal every day thing but it gets so much better folks.

    Upon being pulled over for going 50 in a 35 mph zone, she tells police she cannot participate in the sobriety field tests because, “big breast you don’t balance well.”

    Hmmmmm…I bet they had never heard that excuse before.

    Raymond was slurring her speech and reeked of alcohol. The officers asked her if she had any injuries and she said she had, “big breasts and whiplash.” I am not sure how she got the whiplash considering she had not wrecked her car. Maybe it was an injury from earlier in the day when she attempted to get her bazookas wrangled into a bra.

    Police asked Raymond to walk in a straight line and instead of doing that she decided to “bust” a move and was dancing all over the place. The officers told her she needed to keep her hands down by her sides and she responded, “hell no, not with these”. She again stated she could not do the test with her “big boobies.”

    The police report also said that Raymond started to take off her clothes to show the officers her breasts but they stopped her. If she were 23 and had on her stripper outfit from Bare Assets, the gentlemen’s club down the street, it might have been a different story.

    I wonder if this will start other people claiming they have issues that prevent them from walking the line…say a huge beer belly or heavy balls. What’s not so good for the goose, just might work for the gander.

    The thing is, I have the same issues as Ms. Raymond. Instead of fighting them though, I have learned to embrace them. Here are a few things that I have found they are good for…

    If my plane goes down in a large body of water, no need to reach under my seat for the flotation device, these babies could float me to China and back.

    They come in very handy as a shelf. I often perch ink pens, remote controls and my car keys on them when my hands are full.

    It never fails when I am eating, something falls and stops there. The food usually stays there until I pick it off and throw it away or eat it. Turns out, breasts work great as food savers.

    Cleavage is great for holding things such as lollipops, so I can eat a lollipop while using my hands to drive my car. I love multi-tasking!

    I will be mailing Ms. Raymond a copy of these suggestions to the Martin County Sheriff’s office. Maybe next time she won’t do something so silly that gives all us big boobie women a bad name.