December 21st, 2012 will be the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar. These end of the world scenarios seem to pop up from time to time and so far we have survived just fine. I would like to believe that the Mayans got really drunk one night and decided to screw with us all by ending the calendar on that date. But just in case, I have been preparing.
The past few months I have been studying survival manuals and learning as much as I can. I am not an outdoors type person so if this goes down and I wind up living in the woods I will be the whiniest bitch ever, but I will survive. Let me show you what I have been working on.
This is Tactical Bacon. I have 142 cases of this stuff. In a world without the finer things in life, I feel very comforted to know that I won’t run out of bacon.
But in case I do…
I have started raising worms in my backyard. They are an excellent source of protein and will do in case I run out of bacon. Tastes like dirt!
I can’t give all my secrets away as far as security but I will share one with you so you can have some shipped in overnight to your home.
This is bear repellent. It shoots up to 30 feet away and is much stronger than normal pepper spray. This stuff will make a full-grown grizzly your bitch so it has to be pretty potent. I wish I could find a volunteer to let me try it out just to make sure it will take down a human being but so far no takers.
One of my most prized prepping possessions is this Biolite camp stove.
Yes, I can make smores and fry up some opossum for dinner but the best part of this little stove is that the heat it generates is turned into electricity. It runs on no fuel, just needs a few twigs to get it going and you will be watching “Duck Dynasty” reruns in no time. Yea, that is what I thought. Who wants to be on team Chanin now, bitches???
Matan has trained me to be able to kill someone with just a lollipop stick. I am pretty sure his shirt translates to say, “Total Badass”.
Now it is always best to have other members on your team, mainly because I will need at least 10 hours of sleep every night in order to be able to function the next day without any caffeine so someone has to watch out for me while I am sleeping. I have recruited my neighbor, Martha. She is a retired school librarian and it looks like all those years of reading have paid off. She made that bat all on her own.
You just don’t mess with Martha. Seriously, she may look mild-mannered but you should see her swinging that bat at her ex-husband.
I have taken this entire week off to finish getting prepared for the end of the world on Friday. Why would anyone want to hang out at work on their last few days on earth? Certainly, not me. I have weapons to clean and MREs to organize.
Well, I hope to see you all on Saturday morning, but who knows what will happen. One thing I do know is if the shit hits the fan I am ready to survive and thrive.