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‘end of the world’ Category

  1. The End Is Near

    December 20, 2012 by C.

    December 21st, 2012 will be the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar. These end of the world scenarios seem to pop up from time to time and so far we have survived just fine. I would like to believe that the Mayans got really drunk one night and decided to screw with us all by ending the calendar on that date. But just in case, I have been preparing.

    The past few months I have been studying survival manuals and learning as much as I can. I am not an outdoors type person so if this goes down and I wind up living in the woods I will be the whiniest bitch ever, but I will survive. Let me show you what I have been working on.

    Who could survive without bacon??

    Who could survive without bacon??

    This is Tactical Bacon. I have 142 cases of this stuff. In a world without the finer things in life, I feel very comforted to know that I won’t run out of bacon.

    But in case I do…

    Yum yum

    Yum yum

    I have started raising worms in my backyard. They are an excellent source of protein and will do in case I run out of bacon. Tastes like dirt!

    I can’t give all my secrets away as far as security but I will share one with you so you can have some shipped in overnight to your home.

    I can't wait to use this stuff

    I can’t wait to use this stuff

    This is bear repellent. It shoots up to 30 feet away and is much stronger than normal pepper spray. This stuff will make a full-grown grizzly your bitch so it has to be pretty potent. I wish I could find a volunteer to let me try it out just to make sure it will take down a human being but so far no takers.

    One of my most prized prepping possessions is this Biolite camp stove.

    Living large in the woods

    Living large in the woods

    Yes, I can make smores and fry up some opossum for dinner but the best part of this little stove is that the heat it generates is turned into electricity. It runs on no fuel, just needs a few twigs to get it going and you will be watching “Duck Dynasty” reruns in no time. Yea, that is what I thought. Who wants to be on team Chanin now, bitches???

    I recently started some special training with Krav Maga expert, Matan Gavish. He is so pretty.

    Matan has trained me to be able to kill someone with just a lollipop stick. I am pretty sure his shirt translates to say, “Total Badass”.

    Now it is always best to have other members on your team, mainly because I will need at least 10 hours of sleep every night in order to be able to function the next day without any caffeine so someone has to watch out for me while I am sleeping. I have recruited my neighbor, Martha. She is a retired school librarian and it looks like all those years of reading have paid off. She made that bat all on her own.

    Such a great team player

    Such a great team player

    You just don’t mess with Martha. Seriously, she may look mild-mannered but you should see her swinging that bat at her ex-husband.

    I have taken this entire week off to finish getting prepared for the end of the world on Friday. Why would anyone want to hang out at work on their last few days on earth? Certainly, not me. I have weapons to clean and MREs to organize.

    Well, I hope to see you all on Saturday morning, but who knows what will happen. One thing I do know is if the shit hits the fan I am ready to survive and thrive.

     

     

     

     


  2. My Co-Workers Think I am Nuts

    October 11, 2012 by C.

     

    Just thought I would share this e-mail I got this week from my co-worker, Amy. Apparently, I talk a little too much about Doomsday Prepping at work because they are now shopping for bargains for me to add to my collection.

    I don’t think I am ready to invest in a gas mask just yet, but I do appreciate her sending it to me so I know where to shop when the time is right.

     

    From: Black, Amy
    Sent: Tuesday, October 09, 2012 4:11 PM
    To: Bissinger, Chanin
    Subject:

     

    109.

    Description: Tactical MO4 Toxic Mask Goggle with Fan System Desert, Airsoft Full Face Mask, 4 Generations Antivirus-Style Mask

    Tactical MO4 Toxic Mask Goggle with Fan System Desert,…(0015307)

    Description: http://www.meritline.com/skins/skin_9/images/stare.gifDescription: http://www.meritline.com/skins/skin_9/images/stare.gifDescription: http://www.meritline.com/skins/skin_9/images/stare.gifDescription: http://www.meritline.com/skins/skin_9/images/stare.gifDescription: http://www.meritline.com/skins/skin_9/images/stare.gif  (0 reviews)

     Today: $24.99

     Was:  $29.99

    Free Standard Shipping

    In Stock

     

     

    Thank You!

    Amy Black

    Description: Description: http://atcleasing/Unimark/Media%20Kit/Logo/UnimarkTruckTransport_emailSignature.png


  3. My New Bestest Show

    February 8, 2012 by C.

    As some of you know, I am a little paranoid and slightly crazy. I feel like the end of the world is near and I would like to be totally prepared for that. When the US is all screwed up because of earthquakes, flooding and animals falling from the sky and you can’t seem to make it across town to your local Starbucks for some coffee, I will have enough coffee stockpiled to last me for three years. Who’s crazy now bitches???
    If you would like to learn more about getting prepared for the end of the world, there is a great new show coming on tonight. A documentary type show featuring people just like me, except slightly more nuts. Tune in tonight to the National Geographic Channel at 8pm central and watch “Doomsday Preppers”. I am excited about this show because it will feature a man that has taught himself how to survive on garden weeds alone.
    I am hoping he needs a wife…sounds like my soul mate.

  4. Caught Up in The Rapture

    May 20, 2011 by C.

    Well, it looks like tomorrow will be the beginning of the end of the world as we know it, at least according to Harold Camping. Camping is the head of the Family Radio broadcasting network. He has conjured up some mathematical equation that is telling him Judgment Day is May 21st, 2011. Oh, beginning at 6pm. Approximately 3% of the world’s population will be beamed up to Heaven and everyone else will be left here dealing with 5 months of extreme natural disasters until October 21st 2011, when the world gets destroyed. Chances of me being sucked up…slim to none. So I have decided just in case this lunatic is correct, I am going to live it up on Saturday. Here is my schedule of activities:
    5:00am- No way I am sleeping late on the last day of normalcy. Out to my favorite breakfast place for chicken fried steak and eggs.
    6:00am-Stopping by the ATM machine to clear out all $235.22 in my checking account. Head to the casino.
    7:00am- Play 3 card poker like I have nothing to lose because well, I don’t. Head over to the sports book and lay down some $$$ on The Preakness. Write this down people. Trifecta : #1 Dialed In, #2 Animal Kingdom, #3 Mucho Macho Man. Throw down on a couple of long shots I feel good about…Sway Away at 15-1 and King Congie at 20-1. Hey, how cool would it be to go out a winner?
    Steal a super cool car on the parking lot to cruise around in in my final hours.
    Noon- Since it doesn’t look like things will be normal around dinner time I am going to have a lunch of my favorite things.
    Grilled out steak, mashed potatoes, a side of pizza and Cokes. Dessert…chocolate cream pie.
    1pm- Call all my friends and family and tell them I love them…you know…just in case.
    2pm- Go shopping and max out all my credit cards. I wonder how fast Best Buy can install a 75 inch TV and surround sound? That Xoom tablet is so mine.
    3pm- Go set all the animals free at the Humane Society.
    3:30pm-Try to convince a homeless man to kiss me in the rain. I have always wanted to be kissed in the rain and it is always raining here so chances are it is going to happen. I think a Big Mac for the homeless man just might seal the deal.
    4:00pm-Write my letter of resignation and e-mail into work. 
    4:15pm-Buy a bottle of Cristal and start drinking.
    4:30pm-sharpen my teeth to look like a vampire’s. Thinking that alone might get the looters and rapists away from me when all hell breaks loose.
    5:00pm-Roll in extra TV. It is on CNN, while I play Angry Birds on the big screen.  Open up all the blinds and doors to see if any of my neighbors are lucky enough to get sucked up.

    So everyone, make sure you have your best clothes, including undies on tomorrow just in case you get to meet JC himself.