RSS Feed

‘fast food’ Category

  1. McDonald’s Double Drive-Thru: Hell On Earth

    May 2, 2017 by C.

    Hell on Earth


    This country’s been full of angry assholes for several years now. So what did McDonald’s do? Gave them a reason to lose their shit even more…the double drive-thru. So you can collect your heart attack in a bag 30 seconds faster than back in the days of the single line (just think of all the text messages you can send with those precious extra seconds).

    The person who came up with this idiotic idea should be in prison right now. I cannot tell you how many videos I’ve seen floating around on the internets where one car gets dissed and the driver gets out and beats the hell out of the person behind them or in front of them if said person jumped ahead of them in line. It’s just ridiculous. Just this past Sunday, a man was killed in a McDonald’s drive-thru located in Bedford, Indiana.

    According to witnesses, a car in the rear of the line honked. The lunatic up front got it in his crazy head that he was being honked at and it made him angry. He got out of his truck and walked back to what he thought was the guilty automobile, where he found Marine Veteran, Justin Lampkins and punched him in the face. Lampkins gets out of his truck to defend himself and was shot dead. This poor young man lost his life because of double drive-thru rage.

    The problem with the double drive-thru is no one knows the proper etiquette. I wish I could say I could help you out and show you the way so nothing like this ever happens to you, but I really have no clue. My understanding has always been the person who completes their order first, moves forward. But I’ve also read about people who think you need to wait at the entrance, blocking BOTH LANES until one of the lanes is free and then move forward to place an order. Um, no. I can promise you that’s not the way to do it and a good way to get attacked by the line of people stuck out in the road waiting to even pull into McDonald’s due to your lack of etiquette. I’m not gonna lie. I might even get out of my car and jump up and down on your hood for that one.

    Others say, just take turns no matter who ordered first. Well, that’s just stupid because someone else might get my McNuggets and I’ll lose my mind if I get home to find a damn Filet-O-Fish in the bag. LOSE. MY. MIND. Don’t even THINK about depriving me of my McNugget fix.

    My favorite scenario of the double drive-thru is when both of you pretty much finish ordering at the same time. Then it’s a stare down, car inching forward, motor revving, game of Who Gets to Pay First and get out of this hell-hole the soonest. I’ve personally been flipped off in this situation by my opponent and his whole family. Have you ever been flipped off by an entire family? It’s not pleasant, especially when you’re alone in the car and have no one to help you drive the car while you get out and spray their car down with the can of tire foam under your car seat. Although not all that dangerous, at least you won’t have to see their smirking faces or middle fingers anymore.

    The only advice I can offer when it comes to the double drive-thru is always, always, always, take the outer lane. It really does seem to move faster. If that doesn’t work, maybe just try being civil and remember that the food’s going to taste like crap no matter when you get it.



  2. A Hairy Ordeal

    August 19, 2014 by C.

    What a little shit!

    What a little shit!




    At age forty-three, I have been put into bifocals. As the doctor was telling me this, he saw the panic in my eyes and said to me, “Don’t think about this like it’s happening because you are getting old…just think about it like you have been really hard on your eyes and they are worn out and need some help.”

    Whatever, you young little shit.

    In my depression after finding this out, I decided I needed a cheeseburger, like a really greasy one and some fries and a milkshake too. *DO NOT JUDGE ME!*

    I got home with my heart attack in a sack and went to town. After a few bites, I thought I felt a hair in my mouth.

    GROSS,  I am never going there again. 

    I was feeling around in my mouth, but couldn’t feel it there anymore. I took the burger apart and saw nothing. Weird. I slapped it all back together and commenced with eating my depressed feelings.

    Son of a bitch! There’s that hair again!

    Again, I took the burger completely apart…I still didn’t see anything…I was feeling around in my mouth and I didn’t feel the hair anymore, but I was feeling extremely crazy.

    I took another bite. I felt the hair again. I just froze. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I slowly walked to the bathroom without chewing any further and leaned into the mirror.

    There growing out of my upper lip was a blonde hair that was so long it could reach just inside my mouth. I dropped my burger on the floor and started screaming from the shock of it all.

    How long has that been there???

    What a bunch of shitty friends I have for not telling me I have a wild hair growing out of my face!

    Bifocals and now this…I might as well go shopping for my funeral arrangements tomorrow. 

    The very best part of this story is it took me an entire hour to find the damn hair again in order to pluck it out because my bifocals wouldn’t be ready for two weeks.

    Getting old really sucks.


  3. What Would You Give Up For Internet

    April 18, 2012 by C.

    Imagine a world with very limited Internet access. So limited that you would have to give up something to get the access you have now. What would you be willing to part with?

    A recent study by the Boston Consulting Group asked that question to people around the globe. It is pretty incredible what people said they would give up for their Internet. Here are some of the results from the U.S. people polled.

    21% would stop having sex. I thought about this long and hard…I think it would depend on a few things. Would I be giving up sex with someone like Bradley Cooper or would it be the normal sex I have which consists of bribing men out of the homeless shelter and into my car, all for the promise of a Papa John’s pizza and a pack Marlboros. That would make a huge difference.

    83% said they would stop eating fast food. Surely this cannot be accurate. I don’t think they explained the rules to the participants. You are giving up something FOREVER. We all know you will get a craving for some McNuggets and your Internet privileges will be revoked. Besides, what will you feed your children??

    77% would give up chocolate. Some people are just damn nuts. There are certain days of the month I would chop off a finger in exchange for a Snickers bar that I can dip into a hot fudge sundae while hooked to a feeding tube pumping in chocolate fondue while taking a bath in chocolate pudding. Don’t knock it until you try it.

    73% say they would stop drinking alcoholic beverages. I could give up the bottle for Internet access easy because mixing booze with all the crazy pills I am on results in a highly dangerous situation. Now ask me if I would give up my crazy pills…HELL NO!

    43% would give up exercising. Yea, no shit. If you are so addicted to sitting in front of your computer and pinning pictures of shit you will never ever have, you won’t have any problems whatsoever giving up a session with your personal trainer. Personally, if walking from my couch to the fridge and back doesn’t count as exercise I am not getting any anyways. Exercise be gone! Pinterest here I come!

    Last but not least…7% would stop taking showers/baths. I think these are the people that live in their parent’s basement and play World of Warcraft all day and all nightlong. Walking upstairs for a shower would take far too much energy and time away from the other Orcs (I shall never tell how I know what an Orc is).

    So here are the things I would give up for some Internet…



    My life-size stand-up of Adam Lambert (it would be sooooo hard to part with but how would I chat with all my Glambert sisters without internet access???).

    Sleep apnea machine

    My bad ass BB gun.

    I think that is about it. What would you give up for unlimited surfing??

  4. "Where’s The Beef?"

    October 29, 2011 by C.

    Getting food from fast food restaurants can be a frustrating experience. You can’t understand what they are saying over the speaker system. They repeat it back to you and it sounds as if you have ordered a side of beef, cheese curds and a back massage. As you pull away glancing in your bag you realize they have given you a “McRib” sandwich instead of the “Filet-O-Fish” you ordered.
    You were already running late getting back to work on your lunch hour so you just go with it. Three hours later the McRib is kicking you in your ribs and elsewhere. If you call to complain they always seem to question if you are telling the truth or not. They don’t stop to think for a minute, why would anyone waste two minutes of their life on a phone talking about a McRib sandwich?
    Yes, sometimes fast food dining is extremely frustrating but what else are we to do? God forbid we actually have to cook a meal for ourselves. Well, we can get revenge I suppose like a man in Albany, GA did.
    An angry Taco Bell customer called up the manager to complain about there not being enough meat in his XXL Chalupas (wasn’t there a report recently that Taco Bell doesn’t use real meat? Why would you want more fake meat? Besides the shell is the best part…geez). The manager explained she would love to fix the issue for him but they were closing. She said he then used racial slurs and told her he was going to “redecorate” the building.
    At 5am police discovered a small fire under the drive through window of the Taco Bell. Mr. Chalupa firebombed the restaurant in the middle of the night. The police recovered a plastic bottle that was melted and held a substance they believe to be gasoline (Is it just me or is this person completely stupid for making a Molotov cocktail using plastic?).
    The police are still on the lookout for this person because they were not able to identify him through the surveillance tapes due to poor quality. Unfortunately their police work was of poor quality as well. Why not just check the phone records and find the man that way? Do I have to do everything? Entertain millions, clean my house AND solve crimes. Ok, one out of three isn’t too bad.