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  1. Aging Crazily

    October 3, 2016 by C.

     

    Hey, everybody!

    Hey, everybody!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    As I get older, I’m becoming more aware that I’ll be a lunatic when I hit my sixties. How do I know this as fact? Well, my Mom and all my friend’s mothers are complete whack jobs in their sixties and my generation has eaten far more processed foods, been a million times more stressed, slept less, and done many more drugs, so in actuality we will probably be even crazier than they are in around twenty years.

     

    Now, this should make me a more sympathetic person to the aging mothers in my life, but quite the opposite. I strive to make them even more insane and bewildered. Let me give you a great example…

     

    I have a friend who made the HUGE mistake of dragging along her sixty-something mother on a vacation to the beach. On the first day, they decide to tour a fort that was on an island they were going to hang out on for the day. It was a gorgeous day and the fort was on the way to the other side of the island where they would lounge all day long on the beach, swimming and collecting seashells with the kids. Sounds marvelous, right? Well, old Mom took a tumble down the stairs in the fort tower and broke her femur (she tells everyone she broke her “FEMA” and they stare at her wondering why this woman needed FEMA assistance and how in the world she broke them). An emergency Coast Guard rescue from the island, surgery to place a rod in her leg, an extended vacation in a hospital room nowhere near the beach, not to mention a blown budget and you have a really craptastic vacation spent with good old Mom. Yay!

     

    After a grueling car trip home with doped up Mom and two kids who were wishing they had been born into another family, my friend made it home in one piece. Her main goal was to just get her mom home and things would be so much easier. Wrong! Mom’s a widow with no one to look out for her so my friend and her children took shifts watching over her because she was on a walker and had to have someone follow her around on it. Not to mention, help give her baths, fix her food, do her laundry and various other household tasks, shop for her groceries, get more pain meds from the pharmacy, take her to follow-up doctor appointments and take her to physical therapy three days a week. That hospital stay seemed like a spa week at this rate.

     

    Here’s where I come in…

    Being such a kind and generous human being, and hearing that her Mom was having horrible hallucinations on a certain pain medication, I ran right over to bring dinner for them all just so I could witness and perhaps help out with this hallucination problem (aka make her feel like she’s crazier than she really is or at least join in on the fun).

     

    It didn’t take long. She opened up her box of food I had brought in and started chowing. About halfway through, she froze, staring off across the living room floor.

    “Do you see that rat sitting over there in the corner?” she whispered.

    This was the chance I had been waiting for!

    “Yes, yes, I see it! Where do you keep your broom, Gertrude (I have changed her name to protect her innocence)?” I shouted.

    Both of the kids immediately left the room covering the giggling noises coming from their mouths.

    “In the kitchen…there’s a cabinet to the left of the refrigerator. Please hurry…it’s sitting over there smiling at me,” she responded.

    “Nothing worse than a cocky rat. I’ll beat that smile right off his face!” I replied.

    I ran off to the kitchen and grabbed the broom. I took confident strides back into the living room, ready to smash me an invisible rat (I would like to admit at this point, had it been a real rat, I would have left the premises upon first sight). I stood in the corner and beat her carpet with that broom until she screamed, “You got him! You killed that rat! Thank you so much!”

    This was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I was someone’s hero for doing absolutely nothing. As I returned to my chair, my friend rolled her eyes at me and mouthed, “STOP IT.”

    I stayed a little longer and Gertrude looks at me and says, “Can you turn on the Foxfire?”

    “Um, pardon?”

    “I don’t know what I did with that thingie. Can you turn on the Foxfire for me? And Bessie, (my friend’s name has also been changed to protect her innocence), could you please bring me some Ibupropaline?”

    I look over at my friend who was cracking up and she hands me the remote to an Amazon Firestick and says, “Yeah, turn on the “Foxfire” for her while I go get her some

    “Ibupropaline”. I flipped on the TV and followed my friend into the other room. I had to ask…

    “Why’d she change the names? Is it the pain medication causing this?”

    “Oh no, she calls them that when she’s completely sober. Just something she started doing a couple of years ago.”

    Good grief. I might as well start making payments on my padded room at the old folks’ home. I’ll make sure to pick a place that has plenty of Ibupropaline because as my Mom says to me, “Growing old is painful and you, my dear, are too much of a wimp.” 

     

     

     


  2. Making Me Smile

    March 17, 2013 by C.

     

    I love this video. I think I have watched it every morning for the past week. What a way to start the day with a big fat grin on your face. I love how she puts down her purse so she can really bust out some moves for us. I also love the end where our little granny busts out the “f” word.

     

     


  3. Funny Video Friday

    March 1, 2013 by C.

    A couple of videos have had me chuckling all week. Just had to share…

     

     

    The latest craze seems to be duets with screaming goats. This is one of the better ones…

     


  4. Janice, I Love You

    January 24, 2013 by C.

    I came across this one night on Pinterest and could not stop laughing. Yes, I am mean. I am Janice Jr. I am not sure if she is his aunt or what but she really is heartless and barely cares the kid is hanging on with just his double chin.

    Janice, if you are out there you are an inspiration.

    Janice, the bitch


  5. Nancy Drew Would Be Proud

    July 2, 2012 by C.

     

    A woman in Monticello, KY was Super-Glued to a toilet inside the local Wal-mart. She sat down and was unable to get up. She started screaming and banging on the stall until someone came to help her. She sat there for an hour.

     

    The paramedics were able to get the seat removed from the stool, but unable to get it removed from her bum. She was taken to the emergency room for further treatment.

    The police believe this was done on purpose and when the perpetrator is caught, he or she could face 2nd degree assault charges.

    Now, I have a theory on this. I am basically a detective having graduated from the Nancy Drew School of Detecting Shit and something is fishy about her story. I, too have had an unfortunate incident involving Super Glue and a body part. That stuff dries fast. You can’t tell me that someone put that on the seat and left it there until this fruitcake plopped down. It would have been dry, people. Plus, it smells horrible. She would have caught a whiff of those fumes in the produce section. If she did sit down in wet Super Glue, then why did she just sit in it? If my precious bottom had sat in something slimy, I would have vaulted over the stall from sheer terror of what disease I have just contracted.

    She is looking to collect some money from Wal-mart and live the easy life.  Granted, she won’t be sitting on her rear for the next few months, but a little suffering will be worth all the money she is going to receive.

    If by chance my theory might be wrong (yea, right) and this actually went down like they suspect…the woman is still to blame, because you just do not use the toilets at Wal-mart. EVER. I truly would rather pull up in the shoe section and crawl into my cart to squat over a dog food bowl. I would not be embarrassed in the least, because I know for a fact crazier things than that happen all the time at Wally World.

    Bottom line folks…people are nuts. Before you back that thing up, make sure you peek at the seat.

    *Buy your Peek at the Seat t-shirts at 1happypill.com very soon*

     

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  6. Million Dollar TV

    June 23, 2012 by C.

    Carter Oosterhouse= hot handyman

     

     

     

     

    Like most women, I watch my fair share of HGTV. A show that I look forward to each week is “Million Dollar Rooms” hosted by hottie Carter Oosterhouse. It airs on Tuesday  nights 7:30pm central. Aside from the eye-candy host, it completely amuses me to see what people are stupid enough to waste their money on.

    I try to put myself in their position. My bank account has millions of dollars in it just sitting around on shelves in the vault, so why not blow it on a rock-climbing wall in my house? Or heck, let’s just put a zoo in our backyard. The grand-kids will love it until the monkey mistakes their little fingers for miniature bananas.

    Indoor basketball and tennis courts, 50’s diners, massage rooms, disco rooms, massive aquariums, shooting range, movie theaters, bowling alleys and last but not least a $10 million dollar indoor pool room. With $10 million to spend on one room of my house, I am afraid I would put in a Papa John’s and Walgreens so I would never have to leave the house again.

    Every episode has me wondering what in the hell these people do for a living to afford all this useless stuff? Many of the homes were shown by real estate brokers and you don’t get to see the actual owner (I assume this is because they are horribly embarrassed by what they have wasted their money on and don’t want beaten up the next time they are shopping at Sam’s Club). They must have invented something awesome like the Boyfriend Pillow.

     

     

     

    I mean seriously…this is freaking awesome. Splash a little cologne on the shirt (not sure why he didn’t come wearing a pajama top, but I went ahead and made one for him myself) and  you really never need a man around except for killing rodents.

    Clearly I did not pass Home Economics class.

    Now, where was I? Oh yes, people spending their money on stupid shit. One episode had Barbi Benton sharing her tacky house off to the cameras. You remember Barbi…she was in Playboy back in the 70’s and is known for her “Hee Haw” appearances. This episode proves that all the money in the world cannot buy you an ounce of decorating taste. If you don’t believe me, let me show you what her front yard looks like.

    WTF??????????????????????

     

    While I don’t know these people and what they do with the rest of their money, it just seems they could find something better to do with it. Donate it, start a charity, see the world or just give it to me.


  7. Zombie Apocalypse Coming Soon

    May 30, 2012 by C.

    Have you seen the news lately? Zombies are popping out of the woodwork.

    Let’s start with the face eating Zombie from Miami, Florida. A naked man, chewing on a homeless man’s face. When asked nicely to stop chewing on the man’s nose, Zombie turned around and growled at the cop, then went back to eating.The cop shot him, but our Zombie continued with his Sunday brunch. It took 6 shots to kill this guy. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a serious Zombie attack and it really freaks me out.

    Then this morning, I read another Zombie stabbed himself and as the police were trying to subdue him, he started throwing pieces of his intestines and skin at them. Here is the important piece of information…the police sprayed him with pepper spray before he started    the intestine toss and it did not phase him. Are you getting the picture, folks?

    Maybe this will help spell it out for you if you are a little slow…http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

    We’re screwed, bitches!

    However if you start preparing now, chances are you might survive at least 2-3 days. Look, the world is going to come to a bloody nasty end soon, so you might as well rack up those credit cards buying preparation supplies or just buy a bunch of shit you have wanted for a long time, because you truly won’t be around long enough to pay the bills.

    ***Note from the law office of French, Frye and Coke—She is joking. Our client will not be held accountable. Do not charge up your credit cards preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She is really dumb to believe all this crazy shit, but she pays us well.***

    I will keep this short and sweet as I am busy putting together my list of supplies to survive this mess. If you need a cheat sheet to get started with your purchases here is what I have on my list so far…

    Shotgun (duh)

    bullets for shotgun

    Monster truck (if you don’t shoot very well at least you can run over them)

    First aid kit

    Rations

    Many cases of Coke

    Some of these so you can wipe the Zombie goo from your eye protection. Of course, Elton John is already prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

     

     

     

     

    70 inch LED Flat screen (ok, that has nothing to do with Zombies…I just want one).

    Chainsaw

    Friends like these that you won’t feel bad about sacrificing to the Zombies…

    ***Do not sacrifice them until they have found you a nice hidey hole, killed a cow and butchered it all up into some nice T-bones and built you a fire. Then you can let the Zombies have them.***

    This is some serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The next story I read about someone chowing on another human or using their own blood as paint, I am grabbing my Bug Out Bag (bit.ly/MZcvXA) and heading for the hills.


  8. Harvard Baseball Rules

    May 10, 2012 by C.

    Let me come clean. This little song is growing on me. Carly Rae Jepsen is her name and “Call Me Maybe” is being played just about as much as Bieber these days. I saw this video and just had to share. It makes me laugh. These boys must spend way too much time on buses.

     


  9. Busted…Literally

    February 5, 2012 by C.

    Dolly Parton wishes she had boobies as large as mine

    Maureen Raymond, 49, was arrested last week for driving under the influence. Now, if I stopped right there it would seem like a normal every day thing but it gets so much better folks.

    Upon being pulled over for going 50 in a 35 mph zone, she tells police she cannot participate in the sobriety field tests because, “big breast you don’t balance well.”

    Hmmmmm…I bet they had never heard that excuse before.

    Raymond was slurring her speech and reeked of alcohol. The officers asked her if she had any injuries and she said she had, “big breasts and whiplash.” I am not sure how she got the whiplash considering she had not wrecked her car. Maybe it was an injury from earlier in the day when she attempted to get her bazookas wrangled into a bra.

    Police asked Raymond to walk in a straight line and instead of doing that she decided to “bust” a move and was dancing all over the place. The officers told her she needed to keep her hands down by her sides and she responded, “hell no, not with these”. She again stated she could not do the test with her “big boobies.”

    The police report also said that Raymond started to take off her clothes to show the officers her breasts but they stopped her. If she were 23 and had on her stripper outfit from Bare Assets, the gentlemen’s club down the street, it might have been a different story.

    I wonder if this will start other people claiming they have issues that prevent them from walking the line…say a huge beer belly or heavy balls. What’s not so good for the goose, just might work for the gander.

    The thing is, I have the same issues as Ms. Raymond. Instead of fighting them though, I have learned to embrace them. Here are a few things that I have found they are good for…

    If my plane goes down in a large body of water, no need to reach under my seat for the flotation device, these babies could float me to China and back.

    They come in very handy as a shelf. I often perch ink pens, remote controls and my car keys on them when my hands are full.

    It never fails when I am eating, something falls and stops there. The food usually stays there until I pick it off and throw it away or eat it. Turns out, breasts work great as food savers.

    Cleavage is great for holding things such as lollipops, so I can eat a lollipop while using my hands to drive my car. I love multi-tasking!

    I will be mailing Ms. Raymond a copy of these suggestions to the Martin County Sheriff’s office. Maybe next time she won’t do something so silly that gives all us big boobie women a bad name.