RSS Feed

‘getting old sucks’ Category

  1. Aging Crazily

    October 3, 2016 by C.

     

    Hey, everybody!

    Hey, everybody!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    As I get older, I’m becoming more aware that I’ll be a lunatic when I hit my sixties. How do I know this as fact? Well, my Mom and all my friend’s mothers are complete whack jobs in their sixties and my generation has eaten far more processed foods, been a million times more stressed, slept less, and done many more drugs, so in actuality we will probably be even crazier than they are in around twenty years.

     

    Now, this should make me a more sympathetic person to the aging mothers in my life, but quite the opposite. I strive to make them even more insane and bewildered. Let me give you a great example…

     

    I have a friend who made the HUGE mistake of dragging along her sixty-something mother on a vacation to the beach. On the first day, they decide to tour a fort that was on an island they were going to hang out on for the day. It was a gorgeous day and the fort was on the way to the other side of the island where they would lounge all day long on the beach, swimming and collecting seashells with the kids. Sounds marvelous, right? Well, old Mom took a tumble down the stairs in the fort tower and broke her femur (she tells everyone she broke her “FEMA” and they stare at her wondering why this woman needed FEMA assistance and how in the world she broke them). An emergency Coast Guard rescue from the island, surgery to place a rod in her leg, an extended vacation in a hospital room nowhere near the beach, not to mention a blown budget and you have a really craptastic vacation spent with good old Mom. Yay!

     

    After a grueling car trip home with doped up Mom and two kids who were wishing they had been born into another family, my friend made it home in one piece. Her main goal was to just get her mom home and things would be so much easier. Wrong! Mom’s a widow with no one to look out for her so my friend and her children took shifts watching over her because she was on a walker and had to have someone follow her around on it. Not to mention, help give her baths, fix her food, do her laundry and various other household tasks, shop for her groceries, get more pain meds from the pharmacy, take her to follow-up doctor appointments and take her to physical therapy three days a week. That hospital stay seemed like a spa week at this rate.

     

    Here’s where I come in…

    Being such a kind and generous human being, and hearing that her Mom was having horrible hallucinations on a certain pain medication, I ran right over to bring dinner for them all just so I could witness and perhaps help out with this hallucination problem (aka make her feel like she’s crazier than she really is or at least join in on the fun).

     

    It didn’t take long. She opened up her box of food I had brought in and started chowing. About halfway through, she froze, staring off across the living room floor.

    “Do you see that rat sitting over there in the corner?” she whispered.

    This was the chance I had been waiting for!

    “Yes, yes, I see it! Where do you keep your broom, Gertrude (I have changed her name to protect her innocence)?” I shouted.

    Both of the kids immediately left the room covering the giggling noises coming from their mouths.

    “In the kitchen…there’s a cabinet to the left of the refrigerator. Please hurry…it’s sitting over there smiling at me,” she responded.

    “Nothing worse than a cocky rat. I’ll beat that smile right off his face!” I replied.

    I ran off to the kitchen and grabbed the broom. I took confident strides back into the living room, ready to smash me an invisible rat (I would like to admit at this point, had it been a real rat, I would have left the premises upon first sight). I stood in the corner and beat her carpet with that broom until she screamed, “You got him! You killed that rat! Thank you so much!”

    This was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I was someone’s hero for doing absolutely nothing. As I returned to my chair, my friend rolled her eyes at me and mouthed, “STOP IT.”

    I stayed a little longer and Gertrude looks at me and says, “Can you turn on the Foxfire?”

    “Um, pardon?”

    “I don’t know what I did with that thingie. Can you turn on the Foxfire for me? And Bessie, (my friend’s name has also been changed to protect her innocence), could you please bring me some Ibupropaline?”

    I look over at my friend who was cracking up and she hands me the remote to an Amazon Firestick and says, “Yeah, turn on the “Foxfire” for her while I go get her some

    “Ibupropaline”. I flipped on the TV and followed my friend into the other room. I had to ask…

    “Why’d she change the names? Is it the pain medication causing this?”

    “Oh no, she calls them that when she’s completely sober. Just something she started doing a couple of years ago.”

    Good grief. I might as well start making payments on my padded room at the old folks’ home. I’ll make sure to pick a place that has plenty of Ibupropaline because as my Mom says to me, “Growing old is painful and you, my dear, are too much of a wimp.” 

     

     

     


  2. Truths About Aging

    November 8, 2013 by C.

    aging

     

     

     

    When a person turns 40, their parents or the government should send them a pamphlet with warnings about the horrible things that come with aging. My parents would always say, “Oh, just wait until you get older” but never did they take me aside, grab my shoulders and scream at me, “when you get older you will be so freaking tired you would give up a month of cartoons for an hour-long nap!” That might have gotten my attention.

    So here I am to save the day. I will provide the young folks out there with some truth about aging.

     

    • I cannot remember shit. As in, where I shit last, where I left my car keys or where I hid the majority of the Christmas presents I have bought so far this year. Or I just forget I bought the person a gift and buy another one. By the time I discover this, it is too late to take it back.  I had another really funny example I thought of when I was in the shower, but I have already forgotten what it was. Seriously, this sucks.

     

    • All of sudden you won’t be able to see. It is kind of scary. One day I was looking at some tiny print that I normally would have had no issues reading. I just could not get my eyes to focus on it enough to read it. I was staring at it so intensely, trying to will my eyes to see the print. They did not cooperate. I bought a pair of magnifying glasses the next day and discovered that I had grown a monobrow.

     

    • Your body starts to hurt all over. Knees, feet, back and things you never knew could hurt…like your thumbs. One day you will attempt to do something that you have done every day your whole life and that simple movement (like getting up off the toilet) will cause a shocking, horrific pain you will never forget and just might turn into a nagging injury that never completely goes away. It would be more understandable if you had done something crazy like try to jump your kid’s skateboard over your car, not something so simple. It won’t take long until you are making those grunting noises your grandparents made when getting up from the sofa.

     

    • Hair issues. The men start to lose it and the women start to grow lots of it in places they shouldn’t. Let me give you a personal example. I have two “wild hairs” that have suddenly shown up this year. One grows out of my forearm. It is blonde and I didn’t notice it until it was 6 inches long and curling up like a Susie-Q. I have plucked it out, only to have it grow right back. The second hair grows out of my eyebrow. It too, is blonde and an inch longer than all my other dark-colored eyebrows so it really becomes noticeable if I don’t catch it quickly.  I imagine in ten years my eyebrows will look like this…
    Those could help me fly I bet!

    Those could help me fly I bet!

    • You begin to lose your mojo. If you are single, you have lost your flirting skills and what if it worked? You would have to eventually take all your clothes off and have sex with that person. My legs now resemble a road atlas with all the winding red spider vein highways and interstate blue varicosities. I won’t even mention cellulite or fat rolls. Then there is the act itself. Who has the energy? Totally not worth it. I would rather spend my time pinning crap I will never do to my Pinterest boards. Besides, it will just cause me to throw my back out again. I don’t have time to deal with a bad back when my foot is killing me with all the bone spurs I have grown. If only I could grow tomatoes this well.

     

    So, that is it…your guide to growing older. Moral of this story is to do lots of physically fun stuff while you are young because soon the most physical activity you can handle is going to your numerous doctor appointments.


  3. Toilet Injuries Are Serious

    August 8, 2012 by C.

    Dismounts can be tricky.

     

     

    As if I needed anything to make me feel older and more rotten about myself…I injured myself yesterday getting off the toilet at work.

    I know, you are probably thinking I slipped in some leakage or something.

    I wish.

    Someone had taken my handicap stall and I was forced to use the petite ass/anorexic stall. So I am hunched over in the fetal position trying to relieve myself quickly and get the heck out of there. I was also keeping an eye out to identify the thief that had confiscated my stall (oh yes, I know who you are and you will be punished). The mean person left the bathroom and I went to stand up. A horrific pain shot up from the inside of my ankle up the back of my calf and resided behind my knee for the rest of the day and evening. I was limping. I was uncomfortable. I really should have gone home right away(so I could get a few things caught up on my DVR), but I am such a trooper I suffered silently at my desk. Well, mainly my silence was caused by pure embarrassment.

    “Why are you walking around like that, Chanin?” someone would ask (probably the toilet stealer).

    “Uh, I umm…oh, I am wearing new shoes and they have caused a giant bone spur to grow today on the bottom of this foot,” I would reply all red in the face.

    Best just to keep quiet about this incident until time to blog about it.

    The pain was worse sitting down at my desk. It was a horrible numbness right behind my knee. So numb it was almost unbearably uncomfortable and painful, if that makes any sense at all.

    At home that evening, I popped a handful of Advil, got into my hyperbaric chamber and elevated my leg above my heart. I woke up this morning feeling dandy. No pain at all. So glad I bought that chamber at Terrell Owen’s garage sale last month.

    I still don’t know what I did to myself, but I am just relieved it has stopped hurting. I will chalk it up to getting a year older and those damn new shoes.

    Enhanced by Zemanta

  4. A Letter to a Much Younger Me

    June 3, 2012 by C.

    Stop letting your mother dress you like that!

     

     

     

    Listen up young Chanin,

    You are now 40 and looking back there are so many things you could have done better, not done at all or saved yourself from worrying so much. You are such a serious kid. Far too scared of your parents for your own good (learn to deal with this…Mom is still pretty scary…this won’t get better).

    It is ok to not behave so perfectly all the time. This is the best time of your life. Let me repeat that, this is really truly the best time of your life. You have no bills to pay, no responsibilities, no back problems, acid reflux from hell and running is fun for you, not like now when you only run if Hannibal Lecter is chasing you.

    So my dear, here are a few tips to help you out in the future.

     

    • Save your money. When you turn 40, there will be a report that comes out that says all the money you have paid into Social Security will be gone by the time you turn 60. You will need every extra penny you can find. In this case, it is ok for you to steal change from Dad’s dresser. He won’t miss it and you will need it someday.
    • Invest in Apple stock. I know you have no clue what this is, but all that money you saved should be used to buy as much stock as possible in this company. Trust me.
    • You picked a great football team to worship. The Pittsburgh Steelers won’t ever let you down (well except for the 80’s and half of the 90’s, but at least you didn’t pick the Detroit Lions to root for).
    • When your parents divorce (Oops, sorry kid. Don’t worry though, it means you get double Christmas and birthday presents and you won’t have to listen to anymore fighting) strap your Star Wars figures to your chest like a bomb and fill a backpack up with the vehicles and Death Star. Don’t rely on one of the parents to pack these for you because they will disappear forever. These will be worth so much money when you are older and worth the effort.
    • Don’t complain about working all those hours at the family restaurant. The work you do will instill an amazing work ethic in you that most people do not have these days. It will make every single job you have after that seem like a walk in the park. It is very difficult to work with family, but you will find when you are older those days at the restaurant are some of your very best memories.
    • Love yourself. Don’t care so much what other people think of you. You are actually pretty cool.
    • You cannot change people. Stop wasting your time trying to fix other people. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want fixed.
    • Stop trying to kill your little sister (feeding her poisonous flower stems and tossing her out of a go-cart at high rates of speed). You will need each other to get through some tough times in the future. She will stop acting like a big dork…don’t worry.
    • You will make a decision to not have children. This is the best choice you possibly have ever made. You would be in prison right now. Prison is very similar to being sent to your room as punishment except they never let you out and there are no Star Wars figures to play with to make the time go by faster. Avoid prison.
    • Don’t complain about your braces. You did not have to pay for them and having nice teeth will be very important one day.
    • Stick with the guitar lessons. Yes, I know he wanted to train you to play classical music and your fingers were bleeding from all the practice you did, but people who play guitar get lots of action and travel the world doing something fun.
    • Set goals for yourself. Otherwise, you are going to muddle through your first 35 years with no clue what you want and no idea where you are going.
    • Friends are very important. Don’t blow them off when some hot mess comes calling. Hot messes are just that. Friends are forever yours if you treat them right.

    Last but not least, Chanin. Be grateful for everything in your life each and every day. You are a blessed young lady and you will have lots of cool experiences (don’t poop your britches but you will go to the Grammy Awards). If you are a grateful, positive person, people will always want to be around you.

    You can be whatever you want to be. There are no limits in this life with the right attitude. All you have to do is believe in yourself.

    With much love,

    The older and wiser Chanin


  5. My Last Day Being In My 30’s

    August 3, 2011 by C.

    Well, this is it. My last day of being in my 30’s. I am expecting a loud gong to go off at midnight tonight to ring in 40 and when I wake up in the morning both of my knees will need to be replaced. I thought this morning if this is going to be the last day I feel young, I need to get a few things done before midnight. Here is how my day was spent:

    6:25am-alarm goes off. This will be the latest I will be able to sleep for the rest of my life. 4am here I come!

    7:20am-getting dressed for work. Had to put my thong on one last time. Starting tomorrow I will be buying Granny panties at Sears.

    7:45am- driving to work…I actually drove the speed limit! All those kids in their souped up Kia Rio’s passed me and flipped me off. I was going to memorize their plate numbers and turn them in for reckless driving but I couldn’t remember the numbers by the time I got to work.

    8:30am-Made appointment with plastic surgeon for boob job, lipo and face lift.

    10:20am-someone at work made me laugh so hard I was crying. Won’t be long now I will be laughing and peeing my pants. Might as well stock up on the Depends now.

    12:00pm- met with my financial advisor. He advised if I do not start saving $1200 per month from now until retirement I will wind up like one of the homeless folks that hang out at public libraries all day long. He also advised I might want to go ahead and pick up a shopping cart because chances are I will need it.

    1:30pm-Made appointment for mammogram. Nothing says you are getting older more than having your boobies crushed and mangled by an overly perky 20-something-year old woman.

    3:15pm-ordered a case of Ginko Biloba from Drugstore.com. It might come in handy one day so I can remember where I hid the half-eaten Snickers I found in the trash at the library. Them’s good eatin’s!

    5:00pm-Since my Ginko isn’t here yet, I am planning to have selective memory tomorrow and simply forget to go to work. Show back up in a couple of days. “What?? I swear when I left work it was Friday. I had a GREAT weekend, how about you guys?” Getting old might have a few benefits.

    6:00pm-watched the news. I haven’t watched the news since I was 10 and praying for snow days. Fell asleep before the weather. It is already happening people!

    6:30pm-went out for a Mexican dinner. I won’t be eating much Mexican anymore. The acid reflux will keep me up all night long and the beans will cause me to have gas. I think I am farting but something else slips out instead. Can you say Holy Guacamole??

    8:15pm-reading a book for the last time without glasses. Don’t worry…I already made my appointment with the optometrist a week ago.

    9:30pm-I am pooped, headed to bed. Good-bye my 30’s, I will miss you.