January 1, 2012 by C.Another year has come and gone. Tonight we ring in 2012 with dancing, drinking and parties or if you are like me laying in your mismatched pjs, watching “The Notebook” and eating Oreos non-stop. To each their own right?I usually try to make a few resolutions each year. I can’t remember the last one I actually kept but a person has to set some goals or they will just stay flopped on their couch in their pjs, watching “The Notebook” and eating Oreos non-stop. Wait a minute…So here they are…my 2012 resolutions.I will get through another year without dumbing down to watch “The Jersey Shore,” “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” and “Teen Mom.”I resolve to never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.I resolve to not having my Christmas shopping done early this year because there is just no point of gift giving if the world is going to end on December 21st.I will be paid for something I write at least once this year even if only $1.00.I resolve to take up a new habit: Nose picking perhaps.I will make an attempt to go green this year. I will conserve water by wearing all my clothes twice before washing, taking a shower once a week and only flushing the #2 deposits.This year my name will not be published in the paper after getting a speeding ticket. If my name appears in the paper this year it will be for something cool like shoplifting “Twilight” shit from Wal-mart.I resolve to win the Powerball and run away to an island similar to Gilligan’s but with electricity, a personal chef and internet access.I resolve to watch “Gone With the Wind” for the 1sttime so everyone will stop freaking out that I have never seen it.This year I will have 100 followers of my blog even if I have to start making up fake e-mail accounts to do it.I resolve to write/read more and watch less TV.I will score a 200-point word playing “Words with Friends.”I wish all of you a Happy New Year! Stay safe out there!
November 11, 2011 by C.11/11/11 is tomorrow and there is so much speculation as to what it means or what will happen. There has even been a horror movie made about the date. I have done some research and I am pretty certain nothing will happen tomorrow except you will feel really cool when you write that date down on your paperwork.Some say that a portal will open up. A portal to where I am not sure. I am hoping it is a portal to Narnia or Smurf Village. How cool would that be?So many couples will be getting married tomorrow because they feel it will be a lucky date for them. Well, that isn’t true either. If you want some luck at your marriage you need a “2” or “4” in the date according to experts. Or marry a Kardashian, get divorced in 72 days and collect millions. That would be pretty lucky.This date won’t come up for another one hundred years so we really should do something to celebrate shouldn’t we? I am voting for drinking on the job as a suitable celebration tomorrow. I will be popping open the champagne bottle at exactly 11:11 am on 11/11/11. Maybe Milty (da boss) will join me or maybe he will suggest I get my drink on elsewhere like the unemployment line.“11” is a special number. Doreen Virtue’s book, “Angel Numbers” states that “11” is a master number. This translates into your thoughts being lined up with the universe and they create your reality. One more time…your thoughts create your reality. Can you imagine what kind of day it will be on Friday? Imagine your child thinking, “Hmmm, I think I will quit school today and live in my parent’s basement forever.” This, my friends could be dangerous.So tonight I will light some candles, burn some incense, pop in a Yanni cd and focus on what I want. All the websites are suggesting that you chant these things, write them down several times or meditate about them. I will write them down now and chant them tomorrow.Here we go…Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna…OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (I think this is how you chant while meditating and since I think it is it is).Universe, I am open to becoming skinny but being able to eat lots of ice cream and not gain a pound.OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUniverse, I need to date Adam Lambert. So make a few uh…changes so that he is interested in me.OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUniverse, I will have nose twitch powers like Samantha on “Bewitched” because cleaning house sucks and I would like to put a spell on Paula Deen to make her think she is my personal chef forever.OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Hare Krishna…Hare KrishnaUniverse, I want to write a book that is so successful I never have to go to an 8-5 job again. Money will never be an issue and the most stress I will have in my life is deciding which pool boy will come fan me while I lay out.Hopefully the universe will take care of all of that for me tomorrow. But just in case I think I will buy 11 Powerball tickets. It’s always good to have a backup plan.
November 3, 2011 by C.Well it is that time again…Daylight savings time. The good news is this time we get to “fall back” an hour. Springing forward is a bitch.I realized I didn’t know that much about this not so lovely occurrence that comes upon us twice a year so I thought I would do some research. Hopefully, I am not the only person in the world that thought God set this up to punish us for buying Starbucks in mass quantities and for paying attention to the Kardashians.The History:Ben Franklin came up with the idea for Daylight savings time back in 1784. Obviously, the whole key and lightening thing fried his brain up a bit too much.Ben never really got it going but George Vernon Hudson started the discussion up again in 1895. Ok, seriously didn’t these people have better things to do like inventing a car or TV?William Willett is mainly credited for starting Daylight savings time in 1905. He was an English builder that liked the extra hour of sunlight so he could get his drink on and fondle sheep (don’t quote me on that…just something I saw on TMZ). We officially started observing DST in 1918. Yipppeee!There are many pros and cons out there regarding DST. Some say we save energy due to less artificial light being used. It is said that it reduces road accidents and injuries and gives children more social time in the evenings. Social time? I guess if you count playing “Halo” on Xbox 360 with online buddy “StraightUpLazy” as social time that would be correct.I did find a few interesting statistics on the subject. Men are most likely to commit suicide during the first few weeks of DST than any other time. Also, serious heart attacks jump up 6-10% in the 1st three workdays of DST. Now, I am not a scientist but I know one so I feel qualified to share the reason the heart attack thing happens. Every single time we go through this there is one clock in your house that you miss setting with the correct time. You are getting ready for work and glance at that clock and think you are an hour late and WHAM…massive heart attack. DST is obviously very dangerous.If you are not a fan of DST you can always move. It is not observed in Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam and parts of Arizona. Is it really worth moving though? All the packing, taping boxes and losing precious belongings can be overwhelming. The last time I moved I could not find my FryDaddy for 6 months. I had to bake my fish sticks! Who does that???So, don’t forget to push those clocks back an hour this Sunday. You get a whole extra hour that day. What in the world will you do with all that extra time? I know I will spend mine watching reruns of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”.