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  1. McDonald’s Double Drive-Thru: Hell On Earth

    May 2, 2017 by C.

    Hell on Earth


    This country’s been full of angry assholes for several years now. So what did McDonald’s do? Gave them a reason to lose their shit even more…the double drive-thru. So you can collect your heart attack in a bag 30 seconds faster than back in the days of the single line (just think of all the text messages you can send with those precious extra seconds).

    The person who came up with this idiotic idea should be in prison right now. I cannot tell you how many videos I’ve seen floating around on the internets where one car gets dissed and the driver gets out and beats the hell out of the person behind them or in front of them if said person jumped ahead of them in line. It’s just ridiculous. Just this past Sunday, a man was killed in a McDonald’s drive-thru located in Bedford, Indiana.

    According to witnesses, a car in the rear of the line honked. The lunatic up front got it in his crazy head that he was being honked at and it made him angry. He got out of his truck and walked back to what he thought was the guilty automobile, where he found Marine Veteran, Justin Lampkins and punched him in the face. Lampkins gets out of his truck to defend himself and was shot dead. This poor young man lost his life because of double drive-thru rage.

    The problem with the double drive-thru is no one knows the proper etiquette. I wish I could say I could help you out and show you the way so nothing like this ever happens to you, but I really have no clue. My understanding has always been the person who completes their order first, moves forward. But I’ve also read about people who think you need to wait at the entrance, blocking BOTH LANES until one of the lanes is free and then move forward to place an order. Um, no. I can promise you that’s not the way to do it and a good way to get attacked by the line of people stuck out in the road waiting to even pull into McDonald’s due to your lack of etiquette. I’m not gonna lie. I might even get out of my car and jump up and down on your hood for that one.

    Others say, just take turns no matter who ordered first. Well, that’s just stupid because someone else might get my McNuggets and I’ll lose my mind if I get home to find a damn Filet-O-Fish in the bag. LOSE. MY. MIND. Don’t even THINK about depriving me of my McNugget fix.

    My favorite scenario of the double drive-thru is when both of you pretty much finish ordering at the same time. Then it’s a stare down, car inching forward, motor revving, game of Who Gets to Pay First and get out of this hell-hole the soonest. I’ve personally been flipped off in this situation by my opponent and his whole family. Have you ever been flipped off by an entire family? It’s not pleasant, especially when you’re alone in the car and have no one to help you drive the car while you get out and spray their car down with the can of tire foam under your car seat. Although not all that dangerous, at least you won’t have to see their smirking faces or middle fingers anymore.

    The only advice I can offer when it comes to the double drive-thru is always, always, always, take the outer lane. It really does seem to move faster. If that doesn’t work, maybe just try being civil and remember that the food’s going to taste like crap no matter when you get it.



  2. Shaving And Driving: The New Texting And Driving

    July 14, 2011 by C.

    This story is a year old but I had never seen it and it made me laugh for most of the day so I thought I would share.

    So let’s say you had just gotten a DUI, you are on probation, your car had been seized and you have no insurance or registration…oh and your driver’s license has been suspended. Would it seem like a good idea to get back in a car? I guess maybe if you really needed to get somewhere (emergency room, drug dealer or Adam Lambert concert). And would it seem like an even better idea to get in the car with a razor and trim up your nether regions while driving? Megan Barnes thought this was a great idea.

    She and her ex-husband got into a car to drive to her boyfriend’s house for a date. Yep, I said ex-husband. Wait, it gets better. The ex-husband was holding the steering wheel for Megan so she could use two hands to trim her hedge. Their car rear-ended another car going 45 mph. How this woman is not missing half of her vagina is beyond me. I can be standing perfectly still in a shower shaving my legs and have to tie on a tourniquet to stop the bleeding from one little nick. I can only imagine the damage done down below while shaving and crashing at 45 mph. Can you say steak tar-tar?

    The police show up and Megan tells them she was on her way to a date and “wanted to be ready for the visit.” After seeing a photo of Megan and her issue with black roots, I am thinking she might have been better off bleaching her hair while driving. Less dangerous and maybe two tone hair would be more of a turn off than the Garden of Eden growing down below. I mean really, are men that picky? I think not. I read a story the other day about a grandpa having his way with the family bulldog. They will stick it into pretty much any hole available.

    Come to think of it, I would like to blame this tragedy on men. We women go out of our way to make ourselves look attractive to you in every way imaginable (and some unimaginable). This little lady was so jazzed about having a date she was willing to risk driving when she was not supposed to and was cleaning up her hot pocket in a moving vehicle. How hard did her boyfriend work on getting ready for their date? At most he MIGHT have taken a bath and put on the pair of underwear that had the least amount of poop stains.

    The ex-husband. He is very much to blame. Could he not have suggested that maybe this was not the best idea in the world and perhaps they would be better off staying home? What kind of man holds the steering wheel while a woman shaves down there? Was he advising her on her work? “Honey, you missed a spot. Nope a little more to the left. You got it!”

    I cannot tell you how shocked I was when I saw these people were from Florida. Nothing weird ever happens down there.